I'll Buy My Own Roses

Joann sighed. She had been gifted with the thankless task of mopping up the slush of what seemed to be the entire world. Her steely grey hair hung in tendrils down her sweaty neck. Her blue eyes were unusually dull, compared to their usual brightness and intelligence. ‘80s music played from the overhead stereo. The doorbell tinkled, and Joann turned to find a teenage girl storming through in the foulest of tempers Joann had ever seen. She sighed, leaned the mop against the nearest counter, and returned to her place behind the till. The girl seemed to know exactly what she was looking for. She stormed straight to the back of the store, snatched up a cluster of poppies and daffodils and marched straight back to the counter. Joann rang her up and said,

“That’ll be $5.30.” The girl threw the exact change on the counter. As Joann organized it in the till, she heard the girl mutter as she stormed out,

“Cheap freaking boyfriends. I’ll buy my own damn flowers…” Joann couldn’t help but smile. Now that’s a story I’d like to hear, she thought. She was so happy those days were long over.

I like the way she stormed in and then said what she said, I can't say it or type it. I really liked the beginning of it when you said the part about the world. I can't quote it, though. I would like to hear that girls story, too. Are you going to make a sequel? Perhaps you should, I will read and review it if you do.

Hey!
This made me smile
It's really well written too and there's no nonsense in there that doesn't need to be in there.
Well done

Hey, I liked this because it was different with the perfect amount of sarcasm. There's a few sentences however that may need some slight changes.

Angela wrote:She had been gifted with the thankless task of mopping up the slush of what seemed to be the entire world.

I don't know if it was just me, but I didn't know if the character was literally mopping until she was leaning agianst the mop. I thought maybe she was just dealing with a lot of drama.

Angela wrote: The doorbell tinkled, and Joann turned to find a teenage girl storming through in the foulest of tempers Joann had ever seen.

Tinkled? Nice word choice, but doesn't exactly flow with this sentence. Also, 'the foulest of tempers' doesn't exactly seem the right wording. With this type of peice I would think it would be simplier like 'obviously pissed off' or something like that. Just a suggestion.

The last few sentences really made the piece and explained what was going on. I laughed out loud at what the girl said.
Keep up the good work! This was a really well written. Love the title.
-aimlesswanderer

Hey Angela!

I'm going to take a look at this for you

She had been gifted with the thankless task of mopping up the slush of what seemed to be the entire world.

This sentence doesn't seem to flow right. I think it's the end part. It would read better if you just said something about how she was mopping the floor. Try something like -

'She had been gifted with the thankless task of mopping up the slush from the tiled shop floor.'

Her blue eyes were unusually dull, compared to their usual brightness

The use of 'usual' twice in this sentence is repetitive. Try replacing one with another word. E.g -

'Her blue eyes were unusually dull, compared to their normal brightness'

‘80s music

'80's' should be written as 'Eighties'

The doorbell tinkled

I agree with the reviewer above that 'tinkled' doesn't really fit the scene. Maybe use 'sounded' or 'clanged'

Joann turned to find a teenage girl storming through in the foulest of tempers Joann had ever seen.

Apart from the fact that she's storming around, how else does Joann know that this girl is in a foul mood? Maybe decribe the look on her face. You don't have to go into loads of detail, but you could always say how she was scowling or something. E.g -

'Joann turned to find a teenage girl storming through in the foulest of tempers Joann had ever seen. The girl was scowling, her eyes narrowed at the contents of the store.'

She stormed straight to the

You already used 'stormed' to describe how the girl walked into the shop. Try another word like 'stomped'



So I think this was a good piece. It's not really a short story but more of a short scene. I enjoyed reading it though

I hope this review helps. Keep writing!

xDudettex

Thanks very much to you all! I really enjoyed writing this scene, and I'm happy you had fun reading it.

Hi, this was short and sweet, quite charming too. A few of the sentences need to be rewritten just to make the piece flow a little bit more smoothly. Thanks! great work!

Hi, this was short and sweet, quite charming too. A few of the sentences need to be rewritten just to make the piece flow a little bit more smoothly. Thanks! great work!

Hi, this was short and sweet, quite charming too. A few of the sentences need to be rewritten just to make the piece flow a little bit more smoothly. Thanks! great work!

Hi, this was short and sweet, quite charming too. A few of the sentences need to be rewritten just to make the piece flow a little bit more smoothly. Thanks! great work!