Deathly reflection

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Hi everyone :) I couldn't sleep last night and this absurd idea just popped into my head for a story. I just had to write it. It's a bit odd, but tell me what you think all the same. Please check my grammer for me, becuase I only just whipped it up earlier.
(I'm trying to channel a 40's 50's vibe. please tell me if i'm sucsessful)

Well here it is:


Deathly reflection


Esme perched the cigarette nimbly between her scarlet lips, inhaled deeply, and slowly, deliberately, she exhaled, a thin curl of smoke floating off into the air, vanishing.
She was sat, cross-legged, upon the pearl-encrusted, delicately crafted mahogany chair of her dressing room. Esme bend forward, stubbed her cigar, and let the crippled wrap of tobacco fall from her prettily manicured fingernails into a glass tray.
Dressed in a silken white gown, which clung perfectly to her hourglass figure, Esme plucked a thick brush from the bag containing her make-up, and swept bronzer across her elegant collarbones. Eventually satisfied with the tint of her complexion, Esme meticulously removed the rollers clenched into her light blonde hair, admiring the soft sausage curls as they fell to her shoulders.
Esme then slicked a second layer of deep, rich scarlet over her lips, and slipped a pair of dainty diamond earrings, gleaming, into her neat ears. With a ponderously steady hand, she slithered glossy black liner across both silky, porcelain eyelids.
With her polished, manicured thumb, she pumped a spray of sweet perfume onto her slim wrist. She then clasped around her neck a lovely pendant set with miniscule amethysts and emeralds, and gazed down at the delicate chain of poised stones, which were radiating magnificence.
Esme fixated her sharp, amber eyes intently upon her own exquisite reflection, meticulously searched the mirror for any minor flaw in her appearance, and then, relatively contented, she reached to the floor and grasped a thick wad of paper, bound only with a single, forlorn staple.
The Lines of the script were fluttering anxiously around her brain, their multitude and varied content perplexing even Esme, the luminous Hollywood starlet of the moment. This major new production had Esme play undoubtedly her most challenging role to date: the chic Italian beauty Francesca Christiana, the latest creation of director and genius extraordinaire Herman-Jonah Theodore.
Her head ached painfully. Esme discarded the script, to the floor with a flick of her wrist, and gently, soothingly, she massaged her temples, her fingers rotating constantly for a few, brief minutes. She closed her eyes, escaped into a trance-like state, and, mesmerised by the invisible beauty of meditation, Esme found her mind drifting from the world of consciousness, her body fluctuating into a light sleep. It was the sleep she desperately needed, the sleep she had been deprived off for the sake of rehearsal. She began to snore gently.
Esme did not hear the assistant director clap his hands rather quietly, unenthusiastically, call, ‘places, everyone; places!’
Esme did not hear the bustling of feet as the cast hurriedly dropped their finger sandwiches and custard creams and assumed their positions on set.
Esme did not hear the director, from his chair, register his cast to check that none were missing, then, a second later, ask, bemused, ‘where’s our lead girl: where’s Esme Fox?’
Esme did not hear the chilling snap of the Luger being prepared to fire, poised just above her hairline.
In the moment that followed, Esme woke innocently from her light slumber, apparently without the motivation of any disturbance. She blinked, opened her eyes, and expected everything to be normal; expected to flourish on set, to be the pride and joy of America. Sadly, it was far too late for Esme.
Bang.
Last edited by AmeliaCogin on Sat Mar 19, 2011 5:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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First off, I like this piece. Since you asked for a grammar check, I'll do a nitpick (including nitpicks on things other than grammar because I can't resist), but then I'll get to the more reviewy stuff afterwards.
Esme perched the cigarette nimbly between her scarlet lips, inhaled deeply, and slowly, deliberately, she exhaled, a thin curl of smoke floating off into the air, vanishing. You may want to change "thin curl" to something more substantial, from the description you give before it seems like it would be a thicker exhale.
She was sat, cross-legged, upon the pearl-encrusted, delicately crafted mahogany chair of her dressing room. Esme bent forward, stubbed her cigarette, and let the crippled Odd adjective. Not necessarily wrong if it's a creative choice, but if not you could replace it. wrap of tobacco fall from her prettily manicured fingernails into a glass tray.
Dressed in a silken white gown, which clung perfectly to her hourglass figure, Esme plucked a thick brush from the bag containing her make-up, and swept bronzer across her elegant collarbones. Eventually satisfied with the tint of her complexion, Esme meticulously removed the rollers clenched into her light blonde hair, admiring the soft sausage curls as they fell to her shoulders.
Esme Try using "She" in place of "Esme" here. then slicked a second layer of deep, rich scarlet over her lips, and slipped a pair of dainty diamond earrings, gleaming, into her neat ears. Slipping earrings into ears seems strange. With a ponderously I don't think ponderously is the word you're looking for. steady hand, she slithered glossy black liner across both silky, porcelain eyelids.
With her polished, manicured thumb, she pumped a spray of sweet perfume onto her slim wrist. She then clasped around her neck a lovely pendant set with miniscule amethysts and emeralds, and gazed down at the delicate chain of poised stones, which were radiating magnificence.
Esme fixated her sharp, amber eyes intently upon her own exquisite reflection, meticulously searched the mirror for any minor flaw in her appearance, and then, relatively contented, she reached to the floor and grasped a thick wad of paper, bound only with a single, forlorn staple.
The lines of the script were fluttering anxiously around her brain, their multitude and varied content perplexing even Esme, the luminous Hollywood starlet of the moment. This major new production had Esme play undoubtedly her most challenging role to date: the chic Italian beauty Francesca Christiana, the latest creation of director and genius extraordinaire Herman-Jonah Theodore.
Her head ached painfully. Esme discarded the script, to the floor with a flick of her wrist, and gently, soothingly, she massaged her temples, her fingers rotating constantly for a few, brief minutes. She closed her eyes, escaped into a trance-like state, and, mesmerised by the invisible beauty of meditation, Esme found her mind drifting from the world of consciousness, her body fluctuating into a light sleep. It was the sleep she desperately needed, the sleep she had been deprived of for the sake of rehearsal. She began to snore gently.
Esme did not hear the assistant director clap his hands rather quietly, unenthusiastically, call, ‘places, everyone; places!’
Esme did not hear the bustling of feet as the cast hurriedly dropped their dainty finger sandwiches and custard creams and assumed their positions on set.
Esme did not hear the director, from his chair, register his cast to check that none were missing, then, a second later, ask, bemused, ‘where’s our lead girl: where’s Esme Fox?’
Esme did not hear the chilling snap of the Luger being prepared to fire, poised just above her hairline.
In the moment that followed, Esme woke innocently from her light slumber, apparently without the motivation of any disturbance. She blinked, opened her eyes, and expected everything to be normal; expected to flourish on set, to be the pride and joy of America. Sadly, it was far too late for Esme.
Bang.


Overall, I think this piece is nice, it's oddly charming. It does use a bit too much purple prose (i.e. unnecessary adjectives and flowery overly elaborate writing), though, especially with words like "single, forlorn staple." As a stylistic choice it's nice, but you could tone it back a bit for a more powerful effect.

As for the feel, you did evocate the times-gone-by sensation that you were going for, but as I said it would ring more true and less cheesy if you toned it back a bit.

The ending, also, comes up quite fast. it feels a bit like two stories sewn together. Not that there's necessarily any way to avoid this considering the plot, but the odd seam is there nonetheless.

Especially for the quick way you pounded it out, though, I like the idealistic and dark feels to it. It was fun to read, and certainly not bad. Just try toning down the vocabulary a bit.

~Aet
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
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it's all gun be k




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Hi, thanks for your thoughts. I think being descriptive is one of my strongpoints but I agree I did overdo it a little in this piece. As I said, It was a bit of an odd idea. I've definately written better stories. I only just put it together this morning, so I expected it needed a little tweeking. Thanks for taking the time to read it and 'nitpick'.




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Haha I am not very descriptive in my mind and yet I say you went a little overboard with them! But oh well it was still awesome and I can't wait to read more soon!!! Keep up the good work!!! I shall keep watch over your works so I can review more when you post them!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
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