The Song

This is one of the short stories i have written a couple of years ago. It's shorter than the first one and i hope it's better! Review away and don't be merciful!!!





The song.


I looked outside the tainted window. Droplets of rain came crashing on it. Thunder and lightning dominated the night. Hope, happiness and love. What are these words? I have already forgotten them. The grim and hopeless surroundings seemed to suit my mood. As I lifted my frail body from the rickety wooden chair, I looked outside through the window for the second time.

All that I saw are trees and grass swaying roughly in the wind. They were obviously being commanded by the storm winds. I felt exactly like those trees and grass. My life was being carried away by grief and sadness. No matter what I do, I am still wasting away.

…………….
“Three years ago…”


“Albert, your father just passed away this morning,” said mother calmly.

I just arrived back home and I was bombed with this horrible news? Wow, talk about bad timing. What happened? Tell me something!

All this while, my father was my pillar of strength and love. He was strong and healthy. He seemed he would live forever. All those abs and muscles gave him a macho look and was unstoppable in arm wrestling. Hundreds of times I challenged him. None I won.

“He died in a car crash. A lorry smashed into his car while he was driving back from work. He passed away immediately,” mother told as if she is reading my mind. “At least he felt nothing in the end and died peacefully.”

I thought I would cry but it did not come. Why? I did not know.

The following months were difficult on me. I started to skip school and got left behind in my studies. I began anti-socializing and all my old friends seemed very distant. My weight dropped drastically and soon I was a walking corpse. Nightmares attacked me every time I sleep. Eternal darkness and monsters were constantly destroying my sleep. I tried to stay awake, to prevent the nightmares from occurring again for the thousandth time. Black rings appeared under my blood shot eyes. Still, tears did not come.

…………..

Every night, I lie alone on my bed with my face on a blue pillow. I have tried to suffocate myself many times before .Somehow I could not finish the job. Something or someone inside me prevented me from doing it. Why can’t I do it? Tears? None still.



Mother tried to help me after a few months. She cried and suffered too but she got over it. Well, it was a different story for me. Therapist after therapist I went, counselor after counselor I visited, doctor after doctor I met. Nothing worked. All that I know was that infinite evil was controlling me. Mom even tried to talk to me but I refused profusingly. Soon negative and evil thoughts bombarded my mind. I wanted to kill other people, fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. I wanted to force them to feel the misery that I felt. I tried to fight it but the desire was too great. My spiritual shield broke. I started to plan the murder.

…………….

How long ago was father’s death? No idea. All those memories were lost. Total evil has consumed me just like cancer. I am going to kill someone. I wanted the person to feel what I felt when Father passed away. I do not care who but I will murder someone. Tonight will be the night. Will I feel guilty after the murder? Maybe. But guiltiness is for weak and cowardly people. I tried to push away those thoughts. I lust for blood and fear of others. I have changed into a monster. Even now I did not shed tears for Father’s death.

I continued to stare at the window. There are no signs of the storm stopping. Looks like I am getting wet later. No matter, I can still pull off the kill. As I turned to return to the wooden chair, I saw my old and dusty guitar lying against the wall. Before Father died, I was passionate in playing it but now it seemed so childish. I remembered that Father supported me in playing the guitar and paid quite a sum for my music classes. All those time and money are now wasted as the guitar was gathering dust for a long time.

As I sat on the chair, a thought came to mind. I wonder if I can still play. I grabbed the guitar from the corner and tried to blow off the blanket of dust. The strings are still intact and tuned. The colour of the surface have faded away but still in good condition. I started to play a few simple songs that came to mind randomly. Then, I remembered Father’s favorite song. I have forgotten the name but I think I can play the rhythm. I fumbled a bit but it was still okay.

I was surprised when the beautiful song soothed my mind. As I played, I felt… Err… What was that feeling again? Happiness? Perhaps. It does not matter because it filled my heart with warmth. I remembered the memories when I played this rhythm for Father. When he was down in the drains and felt despair, he would ask me to play it. The fast and catchy tune really was addicting for Father. His broad smile and jolly face came to my mind.

Happy memories with Father came washing back, my first fishing trip, my first swim in the pool and much more. I smiled at all those good times. The urge to kill others was far gone. The song ended but its tune was still ringing in mind. Then, I did something that was extremely important in my whole entire life. I cried.

I have read your work in an emphatic way. I was paying atention to the feelings the work inspire, and it has no shortage of them. It gave me goosebums and thats all i want from a literary work when i seek feelings.
Good job i liked it.

First thing I noticed? You change tense repeatedly. In chronological order, you have:

I looked outside

I have already forgotten

I looked outside

Every night, I lie alone

I wanted the person

I do not care

I continued to stare

There are no signs

As I turned

I wonder if I can

I was surprised

It does not matter

it filled my heart

And I'm well aware that I missed several other instances.
Make a conscious decision to use one or the other and remember that you're doing a written story that will last much longer than you may want it to. If you just start telling a story as if you were telling it colloquially to a friend, then you're more likely to slip into "So I say to her, 'Where you going?' and she said, 'Home!' and I said, 'Well, golly' and she says, 'Bye!'" and just change tense every other phrase. Because that's what we do when we're speaking...but this isn't throwaway, forgettable speech, so we get to analyze everything you do.

So! You seem to have done a better job of getting rid of distracting details. This time around, I'm going to focus more on your wording and storytelling.

I looked outside the tainted window. Droplets of rain came crashing on it....As I lifted my frail body from the rickety wooden chair, I looked outside through the window for the second time.

The "I looked through the window for the second time" is an obvious, forced attempt to bring attention back to the act of looking out the window, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. So what you essentially have is, "I looked outside. Everything outside was sad like me. I looked outside again." Sounds a little weird, eh?

The dialogue. Okay. I don't know if you've ever lost anyone, but I don't feel sadness from the mother at all. She informs the narrator of his father's death like she was the doctor that pronounced him dead...aloof and professional.

Wow, talk about bad timing. What happened? Tell me something!

Is the narrator speaking this? Also, "Wow, talk about bad timing" isn't exactly your typical reaction to your father's death.

All this while, my father was my pillar of strength and love. He was strong and healthy. He seemed he would live forever. All those abs and muscles gave him a macho look and was unstoppable in arm wrestling. Hundreds of times I challenged him. None I won.

This is rather superficial. Think about a time you lost some one or something (animal or whatever). Not necessarily to death, but lost in such a way that it's at least near-impossible to get back. A girlfriend/boyfriend, a friend, a childhood, a memory, anything.
For the sake of example, let's say girlfriend. If you're mourning the loss of her, are the most heart wrenching thoughts of her, "She was my guiding light. And she had such a hot body."? The first part just sounds like a trite eulogy. Recycled words that you'd find in a Hallmark card. Safe words that you can speak out loud to people. "Pillar of strength and love." It's so shallow. And the second part is just...well, shallow in a different sense.
I don't know about you, but people tend to remember the little, personal things. The little things that meant so much. You got at it with the part where he couldn't win at arm wrestling. But because it was an extension of "He was macho," it comes off as weak. So, little things. Like a crooked smile. A nickname. A little quirk that was his and his only.
When you lose a loved family member, you don't lose something that could be said about half the people you see walking down the street. You lose the personal interactions, the unique relationship between the two of you.

I thought I would cry but it did not come. Why? I did not know.

Brevity is an important factor for injecting your words with power. If you have fewer words to work with, then you're more likely to make each one count. The section quoted above has too many words and lacks power. Perhaps try:
"I thought I should cry, but I couldn't."
"Should" indicates that he knows what's proper. "But I couldn't" is more powerful than "but it did not come" because it is more personal, it's about his own shortcomings and failure to live up to his duty as the son. Saying "but it did not come" makes it impersonal, as if 'the act of crying' was expected to do something, instead of the narrator himself. "Why? I did not know" is totally unnecessary. At the very least, shorten it to "Why?" If the narrator is asking himself a question that goes unanswered, then obviously he doesn't know...and it allows the reader to linger on the question that has no answer, rather than the "I did not know."

I started to skip school and got left behind in my studies. I began anti-socializing and all my old friends seemed very distant.

An issue of telling, instead of showing us. You told us that "my old friends seemed very distant," but that's it. We get nothing out of it. It's so much better to give us a scenario or an event or something to see/feel/touch/taste. But instead, you've just given us the result.
Consider, for example, the difference between,
"The tsunami flooded thousands of homes, destroying more than property, but also memories. All the things we knew as children were carried out with the twenty-foot wave that smashed in our windows, surged into our rooms, and ransacked every crevice. The things we had forgotten--old diaries, a note from a fifth-grade crush, the last photo of Dad before he went away--drifted out into the city and baked in the sun, exposed for all the world to see."
and
"The tidal wave destroyed the city."
One of them has emotion--longing, sadness, and being lost and alone. The other one is something you'd hear on the evening news.
Get it?
So instead of just giving us, "I began anti-socializing and all my old friends seemed very distant"...consider what else you might give us to show the narrator's physical and mental and emotional decline.

I refused profusingly

"Profusely."
Plus, just lose the "profusely." "Mom tried to get me help, but I refused" is good enough. Once you start freely using adverbs (or, even, heaven forbid, useless adverbs), your words are getting in the way of the story.

Soon negative and evil thoughts bombarded my mind. I wanted to kill other people, fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. I wanted to force them to feel the misery that I felt. I tried to fight it but the desire was too great.

In the span of 40 words, your character has become murderous. You might want to give us more time to digest this. More time for the narrator to change. More time to have us feel his change.

I wanted to force them to feel the misery that I felt. I tried to fight it but the desire was too great. My spiritual shield broke. I started to plan the murder.

…………….

How long ago was father’s death? No idea. All those memories were lost. Total evil has consumed me just like cancer. I am going to kill someone. I wanted the person to feel what I felt when Father passed away. I do not care who but I will murder someone.

You just repeated yourself. "I wanted someone else to feel my pain. I tried to fight it, but I had to. I am going to kill someone. I wanted someone to feel my pain. I do not care, I will murder someone."

How long ago was father’s death? No idea.

Oo! I know! 3 years!
It's not necessary, but if you want to form a strong connection between the first-person narrator and the reader, we should probably be on the same page, as far as knowledge and feeling goes. So, for us to blatantly know that it's been 3 years and him to be totally lost...well, it's just a little weird.

Looks like I am getting wet later. No matter, I can still pull off the kill.

Umm...well, he's so certain that it's happening tonight, as if he knows who his victim is...but there's no mention whatsoever. Perhaps it would be telling of the character if he told us about his intended victim? Intended method? Anything?

I started to play a few simple songs that came to mind randomly.

Another example of a useless, tossed-in-there adverb. Lose the "randomly."

The fast and catchy tune really was addicting for Father. His broad smile and jolly face came to my mind.

Happy memories with Father came washing back, my first fishing trip, my first swim in the pool and much more.

That's the extent of the happy picture of his father? A broad smile and jolly face. Fishing and swimming.

The urge to kill others was far gone.

Kind of a silly statement.

Then, I did something that was extremely important in my whole entire life. I cried.

Ugh, lose the "Then I did something that was extremely important in my whole entire life." It reads like the opening statement of a third-grade writing prompt. You'll probably need something after the "tune was still ringing in mind", but you can definitely just end it with

"I cried."

Because it was so important throughout the story, it can stand on its own at the end. Don't take away from the importance of it by calling it "extremely important in my whole entire life." Think of it like when someone introduces a guest speaker, and say, "The man who needs no introductions!" Because introductions just cheapen it. Like fireworks and mascots and a parade...right before proposing to someone. If proposing is that important, it should be able to stand on its own, you don't need to buy fireworks, mascots, and parades or any sort of introduction...It just makes the whole romantic part...cheap.

So them's my suggestions.

Thanks alot. I will try to to improve. I wrote this 3 years ago so I was just getting started to write but then I lost the motivation to write. SO, now I'm trying to get a hang of this and may take awhile for me to start writing the good stuff^^

Considering you wrote this a while ago, it's pretty good. I like the whole image of it, so well done. I did like it, so keep up the good work. It needs something, though... I just don't know what... Maybe you could figger it out.

I like this mostly because it is filled with complicated emotions. Sorrow, rage, confusion, and relief. I don't know what to say about the writing. Considering that it was written a long time ago, it is excellent. I mean, it was really great overall, but I felt I got stuck on some parts. Though I think you did a really good job on portraying all those prominent feelings. Great job and keep writing.

How do,

Hope, happiness and love. What are these words? I have already forgotten them

feels a bit teen emo in my opinion,

All that I saw are trees and grass swaying roughly in the wind.

mixed tense

look and was unstoppable in arm wrestling.

should be he was

None I won

this rhymes, which is bad given the tone, and it isn't really grammatically correct any way, maybe i didn't win any, not one

As I played, I felt… Err… What was that feeling again? Happiness? Perhaps.

wow, do I hate that Err in the middle. I mean I really hate that err, really, really cheesy.

Ok, the round up. It was alright. You have quite a stilted way of writing, quite formal and oddly structured. But I quite like it, sometimes it goes to far "none I won" or that "Err" dunno if i mentioned that err, it's just I wasn't so keen, did i mention that? However with some control it could be a good style and places like this are really good for that because reviewers much less lazy than me will point out every time it's wrong or goes to far. I just pick ones i really notice or dislike, "err" maybe
Thing is even though I like the way you write I didn't really believe the story, I like the motif and message of crying. It is important to cry and let emotions and I really like the guitar and music curing him. I connected to me and it was just the right sentimental turn. But I just didn't believe the whole killing someone bit of the story, I don't think the character seemed enough of a nutter to kill someone. I know you know your character better than me, but what i just read didn't seem like a killer. I did like the way you wrote about trying to suffocate himself, that was one of the times i really liked the way you wrote.
Also you change tenses. A lot. But i can forgive that I do it all the time myself.
PM me with any questions
Quibbons

Thanks alot for the review!! Do you have any suggestions to improve the story?
P.s. i always mixed up my tenses...^^