Acceptance

This is an assignment for school, it has to be exactly 100 words including the title. I did this really quickly, just and idea my grammar and basically everything needs help


She closes her eyes, but one can’t say she did it herself. The machines she’s wired to scream her departure.

“Time of death, ten-oh-seven pm,” says the white coated man.

A young boy sitting in the pale waiting room is picked up by the drone of the heart monitor and carried to his mothers side.

The wrinkles running along her face aren’t just from the cancer, he likes to think that he caused some of them too.

The boy of 9 years looks at the doctor, aged 49, and says “She’s not sore anymore.”

This was sweet and simple. Short and to the point. The title of your work is very befitting of what you wrote here. Something about reading this was just so endearing, and I absolutely can't get enough of pieces like that. I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for this. You can actually make something more out of it. Such beautiful writing.. Good job!

Phoenix lands for a review

The machines she’s wired to scream her departure.

This sounds awkard. I see where you are going with this, but the sentence structure is a bit off and I had to read it two times to understand that you are talking about the sound the machine makes when someone goes flatline.

“Time of death, ten-oh-seven pm,” says the white coated man.

It is always best to have times as numbers. I'm not sure if that is how you would spell 10:05 out.

The boy of 9 years looks at the doctor, aged 49, and says “She’s not sore anymore."

Put the age of the boy with the first mention of him. I also do not really see a point of saying the doctors age.

Overall: The whole thing is a bit vague. If it had to be 100 word then I see why, and it works as it is. Like the other reviewer said; it's short and simple. I also think that if expanded it could have even more impact. Not much expansion, just a little more detail here and there to get the heart of the piece across more. It is really well written though. The vague quality does work in its favor, but I think it can be equally powerful if expanded.

Phoenix bursts into flames

Even if it is short, it really expresses a lot.
I love the way it slowly builds up tensions , and in the end

“She’s not sore anymore.”

.
You really created atmosphere well , and the emotions are just overwhelming.
You should try and continue this. It has potential.

Rob out.

Hey there! Sporks dropping by to review.

The machines she’s wired to scream her departure.

This is awkward. Maybe change up the wording?

ten-oh-seven pm,

Generally, times are best as numbers.

The boy of 9 years

This would work better as "The nine year old boy" same number of words. Also, ages should be spelled out if under 100.

aged 49,

Why is the doctor's age relevant?

Other than that, this is nice. Short and concise. I love micro-fiction like this. :] Good job!

mothers - mother's
spell out the 9 and 49. though the doc's age should be cut.

I really liked this. Simple, powerful, nice little meta piece.
I usually don't like pieces that are this short as they never give you a real chance to connect with the characters or learn their story but you gave just enough life to each individual action and character that it felt real.
Especially loved the final line.
Well done