Never Like Pink

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I met her on the jungle gym. She was standing on the bridge wearing a blue dress with white polka dots—so was I. With the few words that were passed between us, we became best friends. She was different form everyone else; somehow, though only in grade one, she possessed a philosophical nature in her.

I was a wild child that came from a broken family, and she was able to calm me down. She wasn't exactly selfless, but very close to it. I, on the other, was rather selfish, but aren't most children like that when they're six years old?
We used our recesses to play imaginary games, most of them involving some aspects of chivalry, like princesses in great peril, saved by that knight in shining armour, followed by a beautiful wedding. Our class mates used to laugh at us, because we played those strange games. That mattered nothing to us. We didn't want to be like them. We made a promise to never like pink. Pink represented all the shallowness of girls. We didn't want to be "girly-girls". We shunned the very thought of it. Instead, it was agreed that our favourite should be blue, a tranquil colour, full of depth and meaning.

As time went by, we grew very close to each other, and hoped that we could become sisters. We thought that if we wished hard enough, it would happen one day. We already fought like sisters. I was a very jealous girl, and things could bother me easily. She had temper and was prone to crying fits. I thought it quite funny to watch her madly jump up and down, and burst into tears. Of course, she never told on me; the arguments were always forgotten.
Problems at home always plagued me; she was my only confidant. I trusted her with all my secrets, and she never let me down. I didn't have a happy life, and had many schemes about running away or similar rash ideas. She listened closely, sometimes scheming right along with me.

In grade four, she had a strong liking for William Shakespeare. It added to the imaginary games we still played. We often tried acting out Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet. Other tragic stories were done, one of her favourites being the opera Carmen.

During the summer before grade five, she met a girl in her gymnastics class. When school started she was put into a gifted class, along with the girl she met. They became best friends. She said to me "People change; we can't always have the same best friends our whole life; we need to move on." It wasn't at all out of her character to say something like that, but it hurt nevertheless. The fact is that she never changed. You might not believe me but it's true. To change means to go on a different road leading in a different direction—I did that, suddenly wanting to fit in with the other kids in my class—she just kept getting farther on the same road that she was on all along. That’s not bad thing; actually, I think it takes a lot of strength to stick to your own ways without wandering about or being forced into a different course.

We were still friends, but it was never the same. Maybe if I wasn't so caught up in being like everyone else it would have been different. In grade six I moved to another school almost on the other side of the country. I haven’t seen her since.
I think that a lot of who I am is because of her. Without her I would've been just a mindless, shallow, self-centred teenager. There's more to life than endless gossip about who's dating who, and breaking into your parents liquor cabinet when they’re not home and throwing a party. I like classical music, Jane Austen, and many other things that are considered to be "un-cool", but I'm totally fine with that. I'm thankful that I had such a good friend.
Last edited by JoyceSparrows on Sun Feb 20, 2011 5:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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love it! And btw classical music is totally cool XD
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The concept of this is good, and I like the characters, but you broke one of those fundamental writing rules; don't tell, show. This story is almost completely telling; there is very little showing. It makes the work feel more like an essay than fiction - a major problem! My suggestion is to rewrite the story so that we see one or more concrete moments between the narrator and the girl, so that both are fleshed out as characters in their own right. Show me the girl's philosophical world view and the narrator's selfishness through their actions. This will not only make your story more interesting, it will give the reader more emotion and make them care more about the characters.




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Hey,
I love young voices that tell the story. Even though this wasn't technically, but I still liked it.
I hate to disagree, but I'm a fan of stories like this. I mean really, this story was more about expressing yourself and your characters thoughts than actually trying to entertain the reader. It's to make us think of that best friend in second grade and sigh because we've been there. To "show" this story would be to ruin something about it. You could, I suppose break away for a paragraph to go more in depth, but I don't think it's necassary.

I met her on the play-structure.
Junglegym or playground sounds less awkward.

most of them involving some aspects of chivalry, like Princesses in great peril, saved by that knight in shining armour,
Princess shouldn't be captitalized.

Our class mates used to laugh at us
Classmates is one word.

I didn't have a happy life, and had many schemes about running away, or similar rash ideas.
No comma before or.

In grade four, she had a strong liking for William Shakespeare.
The for real Shakespeare? Or a modern version? It doesn't really matter, but Shakespeare is hard.

In grade five she had a new best friend.
I think something should have happened. It's a bit abrupt. Drama or something.

"People change, we can't always have the same best friends our whole life
Period or semicolong where that comma is, or you have a run-on.

The fact is that she herself, never changed.
I don't like the herself. We know you mean. You don't need the comma.

You might not believe me but it's true.
When you have two complete sentences joined by a conjunction, you have to have comma before the conjunction.

I think it takes a lot of strength to stick to your own ways without wandering about or forced into a different course.
I think you need being before forced.

Maybe if I wasn't so caught up in being like everyone else it would have been different.
Comma before it.

I was like that for two years, but in for one of them (grade six) I moved to another school
This sentence doesn't make much sense. The in for is throwing me off. Just say grade six instead of one of them.

I never saw her since.
I would say, just for a better flow, "I haven't seen her since."

Jane Austen, and many other things that are considered to be "un-cool", but I'm totally fine with that.
Jane Austen is uncool? What? :wink:

Great story. Many people can connect with losing a best friend, or at least, I can. That's just nitpicks, but you have a great center.
If you need a review, just tell me.
Megsug
Test




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I really liked that. Especially the way you described what "changing" actually means. This kind of things keep happening, you know. BFF's seldom last forever. I myself lost a friend who changed my life and changed my ways. Though she never realized, she showed me the meaning of life. We still talk an laugh like before, but things are not the same anymore. I really liked your write-up as I could totally link with it. Very well-written. Keep writing. Good luck. :-)
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This reads less like a short story and more like an essay with a prompt. Like you were in school and you were told to "Write about a person, place, or event that changed your life when you were young. Describe why this person, place, or event changed your life and how it affects you today."

You know? Kind of boring. Dry and sterile.

The quickest way to mix it up would be to use fewer facts-from-ten-years-later and more storytelling techniques. Dialogue. Actions. Emotions. Dilemmas. Everything that you see in any good movie. Sure, you've told a story, but you didn't tell it in an engaging way. You told it like you would tell someone at a cocktail party forty years later: "I once had a friend who changed my world view. Now I'm better."

Just glossing over days, months, years at a time isn't very interesting.
In grade four, she had a strong liking for William Shakespeare. It added to the imaginary games we still played. We often tried acting out Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet. Other tragic stories were done, one of her favourites being the opera Carmen.

You've summed up the entire year with three sentences. An entire year in a paragraph.
she met a girl in her gymnastics class. When school started she was put into a gifted class, along with the girl she met. They became best friends.

You've summed up the entire downfall of your 4-year relationship in a few short words. Doesn't your deep, meaningful, life-changing friendship merit more than that? These sentences undid everything that came before it, and all we get is "she made a new best friend."
Put us in your shoes and give us the moment-to-moment goings-on and the words you said to each other. Give us specific instances. Describe in detail the first time you met. Describe in detail when you first knew your friendship was going downhill. Describe in detail the encounter where she said, "People change." Describe in detail how the narrator feels afterwards and how she rises above it.

But don't tell us straight out. Show us. Lead us by the hand through the story as if we're walking the same ground, breathing the same air, and feeling the same emotions.



maybe the backs are the stories we made along the way
— soundofmind