Hero

Shivers violently rippled through my entire body. I trembled with agonizing fear. Sweat rolled off my nose, and steam rose up from the cold, concrete floor.

I was not quite sure where I was. It seemed it be some type of basement. Brown boxes were stacked all around me. The smell of mold and dust permeated my nostrils.

I tried to stand up, but my legs collapsed under the burden of my weight. The restraints on my wrist tore into my flesh when I tumbled back on to the floor. Blood flowed down my fingers. I was immobilized on the fridge ground.

Quiet sobs escaped my lips; silent tears emanated from my swollen eyes.

Footsteps pounded overhead. Smoke wafted through the vent that was in view. The scream of sirens brought me back to. I must have fainted. Rescuer's shouts relieved my thoughts of perishing. I was saved from a horrid fate. A flash of yellow came into my vision.

He couldn't see me! I tried to call out, but my fragile voice would not come to me when I needed it most. I started kicking. My foot hit the edge of the closest box, and it tumbled over.

My hero finally caught sight of me!!

Someone please comment!!!!

Especially the more I end up writing in a short story, I like to space it out, so the feel of the story is kind of choppy, which leaves my reader hooked and at the edge of their seat, which is what I think you were trying to accomplish here.
I feel I need to butcher this, sorry haha.


[quote]Shivers violently rippled through my entire body.
I love how you started with this sentence. Keep it.

Sweat rolled off my nose, and steam rose up from the cold, concrete floor.
Another keeper, good description.

I was not quite sure where I was. It seemed to be some type of basement. Brown boxes were stacked all around.
Why were you not sure? Were you knocked out, and then you woke up? Also, I don't like you description of the room in the last two sentences here. I'm not sure what you were imagining, I would say something like "Surrounding me in this basement-like room were brown boxes, their edges worn by the floor and the corners of the walls."

The smell of mold and dust penetrated my nostrils.
I tried to stand up, but the my legs collapsed under the burden of my weight. Blood flowed down my fingers. The restraints on my wrist tore into my flesh when I tumbled back on to the floor.
Very nice.

The scream of sirens brought me back to.
I'm assuming you didn't finish this sentence.

Very nice job, and I really hope to see more of this story. Really, you should make it longer so you can develop your character, because right now I don't know a thing about her, namely how she got to where she was.
Good work!
-Alex

I keep it kinda of vague on her where-abouts, because I want my readers to be able to think for themselves on how she got there and why she is there. It kind of gives them the prevelege to add there own thoughts into it.
And that one sentence, "The scream of sirens brought me back to" ..... you know how when people pass out or faint, they wake about up they say they came to or were brought back to. I seems to be an incomplete sentence, but that is why after that I put "I must have fainted".

But thank you for your suggestions. I always take them into consideration.

jujubean05,

Okay... Um... This is very confusing and seems kind of stiff. For the most part you did well with using description, but the text was very rigid to read. It's also extremely short. There were a few grammar errors, as well. I'll see what I can do to help.

jujubean05 wrote:Shivers violently rippled throughout my entire body., as I trembled with agonizing fear. Here you're gonna wanna skip down a line. Sweat rolled off my nose, and steam rose up from the cold, concrete floor. I was not quite sure where I was. It seemed it to be some type of basement. Brown boxes were stacked all around me. The smell of mold and dust permeated my nostrils. Skip down another line. I tried to stand up, but the my legs collapsed under the burden of my weight. Blood flowed down my fingers. The restraints on my wrist tore into my flesh when I tumbled back on to the floor. The restraints on my wrist tore into my flesh when I tumbled back onto the floor. I felt hot blood beginning to flow down my freezing fingers. I was immobilized on the fridge ground. Quiet sobs escaped my lips. and sSilent tears emanated from my swollen eyes. Footsteps pounded over head overhead. and sSmoke wafted through the vent that was in my view. Skip again. The scream of sirens brought me back to. I must have fainted. Rescuer's shouts relieved my thoughts of perishing. The sound of rescuers' shouts relieved me from thinking of perishing. I was saved from a horrid fate. SKIP! Suddenly aA flash of yellow came into my vision. He couldn't see me.! I tried to call out, but my fragile voice would not come to me when I needed it most. I started kicking, and hit the box closest to me., pushing it out of the way. SKIP! My hero finally caught sight of me.

Um... Take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Ultimately, it's your story and you should portray it as you wish. These are just my ideas to help you along.

Hope I helped!

~ Moonlight

I changed the format and changed some words and sentences! Hope you like it!!!

It's still a bit stiff in some places, but it's getting there. Keep at it!

(And also, remember that my opinion really doesn't matter much. It's what you think of your own work that's important. ^_^)

Thanks

What does everyone else think about this short short story??

What does everyone else think about this short short story??

Do you guys like the format or no?

This story grabbed me! I want to know how she got there, and who put her there! This short short story needs to be lengthened a bit I think! Haha. Please continue this, It's very good and although I agree with what other users have corrected you on, I personally wouldn't change most of the things you have written
Keep on trying!

Thank you! I have really been considering adding more. I've been a little discouraged here lately about writing and I've been super busy. This week is spring break though so maybe just maybe I'll be able to do some add ons and new entries! Keep an eye out please. Thanks so much!