Two halves of a mother

I'm five years old. Actually I'm almost six, I'm five years and ten months. I still go to kindergarten, but next year I'm going to go to school. Then I'm going to learn how to read and write, though I do know a few letters already. Then I won't have to ask my mom to read me bed time stories anymore, I'll be able to read them all by myself. My mom doesn't like reading me bed time stories. At least the half of my mom that is always there in the evening. That sounds weird, huh... Well, I have two moms, but not like you think, it's just that my mom has two sides, one mom that laughs and tells stories and one mom that cries.

Mom works at the bakery in town. We live in a really small town. I know that it's small because mom took me to see grandma last summer and grandma and grandpa live in a big city. There were so many cars and the houses were so big, I almost couldn't see where the top was.
Every morning, my mom walks me to kindergarten, and she tells me stories on the way. It's not very far, only one story long, sometimes she even has to stop in the middle, just when it gets really exciting. But it's not too bad, because when she picks me up again, during her lunch break, she always tells the rest of the story or a new one. We don't go home, we go to the bakery where mom works, because I can't stay alone in our apartment. She's always so happy and funny when she works. She stands at the register and smiles a lot and talks to the people who come in the shop to buy some donuts or just coffee. She knows all the people that come into the shop because she's worked there for a long time. She talks to them, asks about their children and pets and when they have a problem they often ask her what she thinks. Mom always helps people. I think she should be a doctor or a teacher because she always knows what to do.
There is a lot for me to do at the bakery, it's not boring at all. I have my own little corner, because I'm there every day. I brought some books and crayons and my favorite marbles. When there aren't any people at the bakery and my mom has time for me she reads a story with me. My favorite book is Grimm's fairy tales. Sometimes my friend Benjamin comes with his mom and then we can play with our marbles while our moms talk. I almost always beat Benjamin at marbles, but he always beats me when we play Uno.
When my mom is finished with work we walk home. It's not far, not even far enough for one story. That's when my mom just shows me stuff. One time she showed me a really big and pretty snail that was crawling along the edge of the road. And another time she showed me a wild carrot. You can really eat it, but it doesn't look like it. My mom really knows a lot.
When we get home mom cooks dinner and I watch TV. After dinner I have to get into my pajamas and wash my face and brush my teeth. I even have to brush my hair, but I don't really know why.

Then, it's almost always the same.

I ask my mom to read me a bed time story.
She says she's tired. Or she says, not tonight.

At first I asked again and again, but she wouldn't, no matter how long I asked. Then she would get a bit mad and send me to bed. Now I just ask because I always ask.

I go to bed and sleep.

One time I couldn't sleep. I was still really thirsty and I got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. When you go from my room to the kitchen you have to go by the living room. That's when I saw mom, sitting there. I almost didn't recognize her. She was so tiny. She sat in a corner of the couch and had her arms around her knees. She was really quiet. I almost didn't see the tears that made her cheeks all wet. I went into the room very quietly. She didn't see me. I don't think she saw anything. You know how sometimes you just stare and don't even think? Mom always says I'm growing when I do that. I don't believe that. I tried to stare like that for a whole afternoon, and afterwards I was still as tall as before.

I touched her hand and she looked up, looking surprised.
She asked me why I was still up.
I told her that I couldn't sleep. I asked her why she cried.

“Oh baby,” she said, “I don't know.”

I didn't understand that, but mom told me that maybe one day I would know why, but that she didn't want that to happen. I didn't understand that either.
She brought me to bed and kissed me good night and tucked me in real tight. She probably didn't want me to get up again.

The next morning she was my other mom again. On the way to kindergarten she told me a really great story about a dragon and a village that trapped the dragon with candy. It was the same as usual.


Most of the time I'm really happy with my mom. And she's happy too. She laughs and asks Mr. Miller about his cat Sally. She tells me stories and listens when I explain how I just had to push David into the muddy puddle.

Only when I can't sleep and I see my mom sitting in the living room crying, I'm sad.
Then I get a glass of water, go back to bed, and cry too.

This is really a great post. I truly felt the sadness of the mother, and the desperation of the little boy. It is a great story, short, and very bittersweet. Wonderful,

Wow... I really, and I mean really, love this! A almost perfect short story! So tender and sweet and it also makes you kind of stop to think about your life. Amazing!

I only had a couple problems, which really aren't that big of a deal. First, is the age of the child. I think the voice telling the story was FAR more mature then a actual five year old. He could just be a really smart kid but he was playing games, like Uno and Marbles. Which, almost all five year olds I have known, didn't have the maturity or the attention span to learn the rules to those games and play them. Like I said you could argue that he is smart. But, he was playing the games with a friend of his that I assumed was the same age. I don't know. Doesn't really matter.

Anyways.

That's why I saw mom, sitting there.

I'm thinking you meant to say: That's WHEN I saw mom, sitting there.

Last thing:
WHY WAS THE MOTHER CRYING!! PLEASE TELL ME!!

And you were worried that your stuff was no good...

I agree that you could use some work on the five-year-old voice, but in some spots I think you capture it perfectly. Here are words I think a five-year-old absolutely would not use (because they probably don't know them): burgundy, lumbering, winced. Maybe cowered, also, but that word didn't stand out to me as much as the others, so it's probably okay. And when you say "and slays like five dragons," that's out of character. I feel like a five-year-old wouldn't use the word "like" in that capacity.

Now I will quote all the parts I thought were perfectly five-year-old:

I'm five years old. Actually I'm almost six, I'm five years and ten months. I still go to kindergarten, but next year I'm going to go to school.

We live in a really small town. I know that it's small because mom took me to see grandma last summer and grandma and grandpa live in a big city.

This is just awesome - I think this is exactly how a child would know something is small, because someone else has one exactly the same, only bigger.

I think she should be a doctor or a teacher because she always knows what to do.

Again, the simple reasoning here is exactly what I think a child would think.

I almost always beat Benjamin at marbles, but he always beats me when we play uno.

Uno should be capitalized, but that's it.

And another time she showed me a wild carrot. You can really eat it, but it doesn't look like it. My mom really knows a lot.

I even have to brush my hair, but I don't really know why.

Then, it's almost always the same.

She didn't see me. I don't think she saw anything. You know how sometimes you just stare and don't even think? Mom always says I'm growing when I do that. I don't believe that. I tried to stare like that for a whole afternoon, and afterwards I was still as tall as before.

I love this part.

Only when I can't sleep and I see my mom sitting in the living room crying, I'm sad.

Then I get a glass of water, go back to bed, and cry too.

This is beautiful in a heart-wrenching sort of way.

Overall, I think the only thing you need to work on is voice. Going off of the parts I quoted above, which in my opinion are the parts where you managed to perfectly capture the voice of a five-year-old, work on a second draft in which you make the whole thing sound more like this. Only less rambly - of course a five-year-old is sometimes going to get off-topic, like in the staring part that I love, but you're going to have to balance moments like that with on-topic parts (like the cowering scene) so that we can actually follow it. But that I think won't be a problem, because you did it very well in this draft.

Oh, and I liked that he said he was almost six, because of course when you're that young you always say "five and a half," "almost six," etc, because you're always looking to the next age...



Good job, except that I wasn't able to make this bleed enough for my own pleasure. Curse you for writing such a good story!

~Blue

Thanks so much for the reviews!

I'll work on the things you mentioned and post a second draft. Soon. I hope.

@Amnien: I have three nephews, two of them already older than five, they both were great at Uno when they were five, the older one started playing it (and being good at it) when he was about three (I know, that's extreme), so I guess I just thought that was normal. Any suggestions on appropriate games for that age?

Hey!

This review isn't going to be very constructive, but I just couldn't read the story and not comment. I thought your piece was brilliant, if sad. Honestly, it pulled at my heartstrings just thinking of the little boy crying himself to sleep just like his mum. I really want to know why his mum cries but I understand that it can't be in the story, seeing as the story is being told by the boy.

It was also realistic, something I can imagine actually happening to someone, somewhere.

I agree that, at times, the MC doesn't sound like a five year old, but you've already agreed to fix that, so I'll leave it at that.

I only noticed on thing -

pajama and wash my face and

'Pajama' should be plural.

That's it though - your grammar and structure was spot on

You didn't actually describe many emotions in the piece, but the emotions came across from the way the little boy described his mum. How he looked up to her and was worried when he saw her crying.

Great job on this!

Thanks for the read

xDudettex

This was really amazing! I absolutely love it! And you ended it at the perfect place, not to mention that it wasn't to short and it wasn't to long. It was perfect! I'm sorry, but I don't really have a critique for you. Haha. Just wanted to tell you how much I love it.

As for the uno, I'm nearly fifteen and I have a seven year old sister, and she knew how to play uno when she was little to so I don't really know what to tell you. Haha. She acts older than she is because she has three teenage sister. Sorry I'm not any help with that. Haha.

But anyway, at first, I thought that the title doesn't really make sense, but as I read it seemed to fit perfectly, not to mention that it draws the reader in better than a title like two sides of a mother would. So I give you props for that.

This is a great piece, and it has earned me following you!

Well, I was wrong. I asked my baby sister, who is six, if she knew how to play UNO. Next thing I know we are 4 games in and she is beating me three to one. So. I think that's fine.

So I changed the few mistakes I had... I also took out a few of the "big words". I'm not sure how much better it is now.
Is it still too mature? Help me a bit by pointing out the parts that would need the most work.

Thanks!

Hey Lemikita. ^^

I saw that you've recently edited this, so I thought I'd drop by and leave you a review. I'd like to say that I really like the title of this, Lemi. It's what made me click on this post and read it. Plus, this story seems to be right up my street, so that's another plus. If you have any questions or anything after my review, don't hesitate to leave a comment on my wall or send me a PM.

The first thing I'd like to suggest is seriously minor, and it's more of a matter of opinion really. Anyway, what I'd suggest for you to do is instead of saying 'Mom', say 'Mommy'. I think it would suit the narrator's voice more and show off the fact that he's young. Obviously, that's really picky and you might not agree with it, but if this was my story, I'd have the narrator call his Mom, Mommy. It would make the voice more believable, I think, but hey, it's up to you.

Overall, I really like this, Lemi. It is definitely the kind of thing I like to read. I love a bitter-sweet story and I think you've created a lovely one here. Your grammar was really great, so I applaud you for that. With good grammar, this story flowed nicely and I didn't get confused at what was going on for one second. I'm also very fond of your MC. He's sweet and naive, which makes him likeable for me.

My first critique would probably have to be what everyone else has asked. Why is the mom crying? I understand that you don't want to tell us because your narrator simply doesn't know, but let me suggest something to you. Why don't you let us readers know what's wrong, but not allow your narrator to know. I know it sounds like a hard thing to do, but I'm confident that you can do it.

Okay, obviously, I don't know why the mom cries, so I can't give you the best example in the world. Nonetheless, I'll try. Let's say that the mom's problem is that she doesn't have much money for her or her child. What you could do is maybe have your narrator telling us how sometimes when he's at the baker with his mom, he asks if she can give him a big cake in secret without paying. She says no because by giving the cake away for free, she loses money. Obviously though, the narrator wouldn't know that because of his naivety. Then you could have your narrator describing how he asks his mom to buy him real books with stories in them when they're in a shop one day, then the mom picks up a book and looks at the back of it where the numbers are (The price, but our narrator doesn't know that), and puts it back down. She then says that her stories are better.

I know I'm not making much sense here, but I hope you're at least beginning to see what I mean. The examples above aren't the best ones, and I don't even know if that's why the mom cries, but do you see what I mean? You could hint at what the mom's problem is, but at the same time, leave the narrator oblivious to the whole thing. It's not the easiest thing to do, but I do think that you'll be able to do it. I'm so sorry I'm not making much sense... Also, if you want, I think that you could make this a bit longer. That way, you can give us more hints to as of why the mom is crying at night as well as enhance your narrator's voice, which happens to be my next critique.

The only other negative I have for you isn't too big of a deal. I agree with the other's when they said that, at times, your narrator can sound a bit too mature for his age. By the look of it, you've edited the story since the first reviews, and I think that the voice has improved. I do think that you can take it further though. Here's an example of a sentence where he sounds a bit too old:

You know how sometimes you just stare and don't even think?

To me, this sounds too much of a philosophical thing for a little kid to say. I think it stood out to me as well because the sentences that surrounded it sounded young and naive, but this didn't at all really. There weren't any real huge problems with the narrator's voice, but there were some random sentences here and there that didn't seem to suit the narrator's voice as well as they could have. Overall, it causes the problem of not making your narrator's voice completely believable.

I feel like the most arrogant person in existence for doing this, but here's a short story of mine where the beginning is written in the point of view of a young child. Obviously, it's not perfect - far from it, but I think I've done an okay job at making the narrator's voice believable. Here's the link: viewtopic.php?t=71810 It may, or may not, be able to help you. I thought I'd show it to you just to show you how someone else might portray a young child's voice.

Negatives aside, I really did like this. With some extra editing, I seriously think it could be absolutely wonderful. I adore these kinds of stories, and I wasn't disappointed with yours. Far from it. Basically, overall, this was great. If you decide to make it longer or anything, please let me know; I'd love to read it.

Oh, and welcome to YWS! I just noticed that you're pretty new here. I hope you're finding the site helpful so far. If you have any questions about anything, just let me know.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins