Apple a Day

Let me just start off by saying I've never written anything but scripts except for the YWS Olympics and something when I was like 5, so this is probably terrible, but I don't really care since I was forced to write it anyway, so feel free to bash it all you like.

They met at the age of 23 in a bar downtown. Jillian and Daniel. She was a fitness instructor who owned her own gym, and he was a budding medical student. You could say it was 'love at first sight.' They married early, feeling that they were meant to be. They moved in together at a small apartment in the suburbs.

Life was good. A year later, he was officially ready to become a MD. His supervisor, Jack, let him in on specific rules that only doctors are allowed to know. They were all pretty basic at first. Until the last one. Jack said, "You know that old saying, 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away?'" Daniel responded, "Yeah, sure." "Do you ever wonder why they say that, Daniel?" This confused him. What did any of this have to do with medical rules? "...To get kids to eat healthy?"

"No, my friend, no. We who become doctors go through some kind of strange process the night we are indicted. Some reports of this developments date back to 3400 BC, on hieroglyphics. Now, nobody knows why it happens, but we know it changes us in certain ways. Helps us be calm in medical emergencies, but, the strangest report is being adversive to apples." "Apples?" "Yes. We can stand to be around them, but we begin to go through ill effects, seizure-like symptoms, vomiting, et cetera, when we're around people who eat them every day. Like the saying." Daniel chuckles. "You're screwing with me, right?" Daniel was certain it was just a light-hearted joke, but Jack kept a serious face. "Trust me," said Jack, "Tonight you're going to feel like dying."

And Daniel did. He threw up multiple times throughout the night, ran a high fever, was constantly aching and in pain. He finally fell asleep in front of the toliet at around 3 AM. However, when he woke up in the morning, he felt great, instilled with a new confidence and outlook on life. He came out of the shower, and hurriedly ate his breakfast, realizing that he was late. Jillian was unsure about his condition and asked, "Do you feel all right, honey? I mean, after last night... are you sure you should go to work?" Daniel responded happily, "I feel great, Jillian. Honestly. I'll see you tonight!" As Daniel was about to walk out the door, he suddenly noticed something odd about the room. He asked Jillian, "Honey, did you do something to this room?" She told him, "No, why?" He took another quick look around. "I don't know, something just feels--" And then he saw it. A bag of apples from the market. "Honey, when did you get these?" She responded, "This morning. Apples are great for you, you know!" He stared blankly at the bag. Under his breath, he said, "How often do you eat these?" She responded back, "Oh, you know. Every day." His eyes widenened. "Sometimes Twice!" He felt like shriveling up and dying. He could feel the energy being drained from him. Sickly, he said, "I have to go."

He sped into his parking spot in front of the hospital, and ran into the building, looking for Jack. After searching for a while, he finds Jack working with a student. He grabs him and takes him into an empty room, slamming the door behind them. Jack, confused, asks, "What is going on, Daniel?" Daniel, panting, responds, "My wife... she eats apples. Every day... like you said." Jack steps back, shocked by this. "Are you certain it's every day?" Jack shouts, "She told me, point-blank! I asked her!" Jack runs his fingers through his hair, flustered. He quietly says, "I'm sorry, Daniel." Confused, he responds, "Why?" There is a pause. "You have to get rid of her. We can't allow such vermin to walk the Earth." Daniel, appalled by this idea, asks, "What, you mean kill her?" "I'm sorry. It's the only way. You either leave her forever... or you get rid of her. Or you'll die." Tears begin to swell up in Daniel's eyes as he accepts the truth that has been laid before him.

Later, in the middle of the night, Daniel unlocks the door and walks in. He walks towards their bedroom, pulling out a kitchen knife from the sink. He approaches the bed slowly, and holds the knife up in the air. Jillian wakes up and sleepily says, "Honey, is that you? You're home late, was there an emergency or something?" Daniel trembles and exhales deeply, silently sobbing. She looks up and sees the knife hanging above her and screams.

Um...

Cute little folktale kind of thing. Until the murdering happens. Then it just kind of spirals into a weird darkness.

Your presentation is just fine. And the only thing I have to tell you about mechanics is that you need to break dialog up into different paragraphs to make it readable and follow traditional rules. And that "adversive" should be "aversive" and actually "averse" sounds better there. And you change tenses a lot. "He sped into the parking lot" "Tears begin to swell up" (well up, by the way). Please for the love of God, use one tense. And make it the past tense. If the reason to use the present tense is compelling enough, you would have remembered to use the present tense throughout, right?

So I'll just discuss theme with you.

He really accepts murder far too easily. I can't really imagine him wanting to murder someone just because he's spontaneously vomiting overnight. Maybe if he had to live with it for years. But one night? That's a big step.

And the entire feel of the story is not dark. It's more quirky and, pardon me, elementary. And when I say elementary, I don't necessarily mean the words, but the pacing and explanation. It's very "here" then "there" then "a year later" and the facts are all vague and muddled (at age 23, he's probably graduating from undergrad college, getting a degree in, I don't know, Women's Studies or something. THEN, you go to medical school for 5-9 years, and get your MD when you're 30. I know, because I attempted that route).

So that's the inherent problem. You start out as a quirky, elementary, this-happened-then-this-happened kind of folktale. But then it dissolves quickly into brutal, first-degree murder. It really needs to be one or the other. Otherwise, treating it as ho-hum and direct cause-and-effect makes it sound like a teenage, immature fantasy about murder.

So there's the major problem with the piece. Theme and style. It's a big thing to wrestle. But it's a major moving force in how your story is received. You need to let us know how we should read your story and then stick with it.

Hiya Clarky! Luxy here. Okay, I'm assuming that this was meant to be funny and that the person before me didn't get that. I thought that the storyline was amusing! My biggest thing with this was that when you started another person talking, you didn't start a new paragraph. That just makes it a hassle to read. Also, don't forget to keep everything in the correct tense. It doesn't really matter which one you do it in, its up to you.

This story made me laugh. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it though. I think with some more tuning it could be pretty good. I'll have to check out some of your scripts too. I don't think I'd be much help reviewing them, but I'd love to look at them!
Luxe

I don't usually like to bump stories to reply to other comments and such, but I thought it was important enough to say.

I understand there is humor, which is where the quirky, elementary part comes in. Right up until Jack says, "Kill her", there is that lightness to it. But murder can only be so humorous. Really. I know you kids are young and flippant, but it's just...y'know...a bit out there. I might be going too far in making this comparison, but would the story have ended humorously if, instead of murdering her, he tortured her and forced her to never eat apples again? Even comedy has to fit into the appropriate context.

My sentiment is a bit difficult to convey, but I'm sure you can figure it out if you think about it.

This i a hilarious story, it’s kind of cynical in a way but impossible to take this seriously, it’s got bad word chose but it’s great, its written in a way that sounds like your telling me a story. It’s kind of a mind bender, to think things that we think mean one thing and you take these things and make them into something ridicules. This does not show literal talent ( you could be great in both areas but this story is only good for a laugh and story), but you’re an amazing story teller. The ending was kind of un expected i do think you should consider changing the ending for a ridicules cure. Hay you can do what you won’t, that’s the freedom of writing, but keep in mind what i said, and your story’s great, could use tweaking but it’s funny.