Nikita Bearder

This is all true! and there will be more soon when we have more moments to write about!
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"I have just had an idea!" The four of us turned towards her. Looking at her and expecting another stupid comment.
"Maybe Jeremy Kyle is Jesus right now!" Laughter was the only thing that followed. She sat there lost in her own thought which she thought was genius and we all pressumed was idiotic.
"But when I sit and think. I just think about the world and I thought the other day right, that you know bee's in the summer can they catch like hayfever or something 'coz they're always on florwers and stuff yeh!" Laugh upon laugh upon laugh.
"Miss senior come here please!" The teacher walked across the study room and lent against the wooden computer desk.
"Miss, can bee's like catch hayfever and stuff?" She shook her head and walked off mumbling to herself.
"Do you know Elton John and stuff, why is he called he sir Elton. Why aren't we all called sir or madame?" Nikita said with a serious undertone in her voice. We all laughed. The bell rung and we all began to leave, still laughing.

I thought this story was interesting. Your main charcter seems like a nonconformist which reminds me of the book Stargirl. Throught the intire piece I was a little bit confused because the story had no clear begining and started right in the middle of a conversation between the main charcter and her friends.
Hopefully this helps you.Have a great day. Fiction

Hello there

She sat there lost in her own thought which she thought(why not try another word here, like 'presumed'.) was genius and we all pressumed was idiotic.

But when I sit and think. I just think about the world and I thought the other day right, that you know bee's in the summer can they catch like hayfever or something 'coz they're always on florwers and stuff yeh!"(I don't really get this whole part. Try re-punctuating it.)

The bell rung and we all began to leave, still laughing.

I hope I helped a little. Your writing needs a lot of work in terms of punctuating.
Keep writing.

retrodisco666 wrote:This is all true! and there will be more soon when we have more moments to write about!
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"I have just had an idea!" The four of us turned towards her, Looking at her and expecting another stupid comment.

"Maybe Jeremy Kyle is Jesus right now!" Laughter was the only thing that followed. She sat there lost in her own thoughts, which she thought was genius and we all pressumed was idiotic. assuming they were genius while we knew better/ we knew they weren't.

"But when I sit and think. I just think about the world and I thought the other day, right," she said excitedly, "that you know bee's bees in the summer can they must catch like hayfever or something 'coz they're always on florwers flowers and stuff yeh!" Laugh upon laugh upon laugh followed this too.

"Miss Senior come here please!" The teacher walked across the study room and leant against the wooden computer desk.

"Miss, can bee's like bees catch hayfever and stuff?" She shook her head and walked off mumbling to herself.

"Do you know Elton John and stuff," she was saying, "why is he called he Sir Elton? Why aren't we all called Sir or Madame?" Nikita said this with a serious undertone in her voice. We all laughed. The bell rung and we all began to leave, still laughing.

Well it looks like you wrote this in a great rush. There are multiple grammatical mistakes, and I appreciate that here in the UK people speak in odd ways, especially us teens, but all the use of coz and yeah and stuff are really off-putting. You didn't separate some sentences well, and you structured others quite badly. And lastly, I don't quite get what you mean by this is a true story. Do you mean that somebody you know said things this stupid?

Tiger

Alright, so, this seems totally and completely random. I think it's meant to be funny, but I didn't get it. It's because you just threw everything at the reader, with grammar mistakes, not enough detail or description. You need more, way more, of everything. Emotion and details.
I think this could get better if you edited and expanded.
~WickedWonder

I regret to inform you...but this has no place here. This writing, at best, would only find its place on a facebook page or on a livejournal. This is a forum for short stories, not inconsequential rambling by people we don't know and don't care about.

there will be more soon when we have more moments to write about!

I really hope not.

Glancing through your portfolio, it's obvious you know what a story is. So maybe this was a total experimentation? Maybe you posted on the wrong forum?

If you want to make Nikita into the main character of a story, give her a story to live in. Construct a setting, who the heck is the narrator, and SLOW DOWN. Right now, faces are appearing out of the darkness, held up by strings, and spouting nonsense and terrible grammar.