The blood-stained floors

Hi everyone, this is my first short-story that I've posted on YWS. Please read it and please suggest many changes to help change it for the better. It is my first story I've posted here so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!

~~~~~~~~~~~



He crawled out of his bed, waking to the dim flame that flickered in the dark room. His legs ached and stomach sore as if he had been walking long distances, yet he had been asleep for 129 days. What had he been doing whilst he dreamt? He rubbed his eyes once, and then memories filled his empty mind-

A girl, a love. Her arms around him and her words, ‘I love you, I care for you, I will never let you go.’ He felt the same way. A meadow flooded with light and a picnic rug of the lush green grass was where he was when he looked around.

Where was she?
He would never let her go…
He rubbed his eyes again, now he was back in the dark room with the dim flame that flicked in the crisp air of night. Then he looked down, to the cold concrete floor…stained with blood.

He followed the blood-stained path out of the room; the flame followed becoming brighter with each step. The hallway was covered with old rotting doors and cobwebs hung loosely of the ceiling. Then-

A girl, his love. She walked down the hallway and into a room…
There she sat, on the couch, infront of the warm fire.
The warmth felt good on bare skin, it was life-giving.
He sat there, next to her, and looked deeply into her deep, brown eyes that reflected the fire – life-giving and warm.

He would never let her go…

He opened his eyes again, and found himself standing infront of the warm fire, which was slowly dying. The flame that followed him lit the room up, giving it warmth, warmth that reminded him of her. Surprisingly, the room didn’t feel lonely, but it felt like something – or someone was dying, losing warmth, losing life. He walked around the room and-

-there she was.

The blood-stained floor led to her. He body lay there, still and motionless. He dropped to his knees, crying. Each tear filled with sadness and a single question: who did this?

The blood-stained floor didn’t stop at her lifeless body. The stains circled round to form another blood-stained path parallel to the previous. He started walking along it, hoping to find who had done this. The flame followed.

He ended up back in the neglected corridor-
No, it could be-

He ran quickly through the hall to the other end. To the dark room in which he began. The flame behind him followed him into the room, lighting it up.

Now he could see.
The second path of blood stains led…

…to his bed. What had he been doing whilst he slept?

Then-

A spell, a curse, a force.
A knife in his hand.
The hallway. Then the couch.

The force had possessed his body. Then with a knife in his hand, he turned his head…

…to her.


He rubbed his eyes, which were now shedding tears of grave sorrow and sadness. His heart felt stone-cold as he lay in his bed. He closed his eyes, knowing his dreams were going to return as nightmares.

Why had he killed her?

He lay in bed as sadness and sorrow settled inside him. He lay there, quiet and still, as tears of hatred for himself rolled down his cold face.

The flame floated above him, filling the room with familiar warmth, he felt he was undeserving of. Ten words echoed from the flame…

…I love you and I will never let you go.

Hey there!

Wow, I really really like this! I wasn't expecting the twist at all and it worked very well. I love the idea of following a trail of blood and the flashbacks as well. Okay, so I like this story a lot and so I'm gonna try and give it a thorough review. I hope it doesn't come across as overly critical because I'm really just trying to help you build on the strengths here.

yet he had been asleep for 129 days.

It looks better in stories if you write numbers out. Also, 129 days is a very long time, and also strangely precise. If he's been asleep, how does he know how much time has passed? It might be more realistic if you said something more vague, that still shows he's been asleep for months.

Then he looked down, to the cold concrete floor…stained with blood.

I don't think you really need an ellipsis here. It might create suspence much better if you described more what the blood on the floor looked like, and how the main character felt. It'll help the reader engage more if you describe his reaction - disgust? Fear? Curiosity? Putting a pause in doesn't add much.

There she sat, on the couch, infront of the warm fire.
The warmth felt good on bare skin, it was life-giving.
He sat there, next to her, and looked deeply into her deep, brown eyes that reflected the fire – life-giving and warm.

You have a tendancy to repeat the same adjectives. There's 'warm', 'warmth' and 'warm' again all within this short paragraph, and you also have 'life-giving' twice. A thesaurus can be a very handy tool in these situations.

He opened his eyes again, and found himself standing infront of the warm fire, which was slowly dying. The flame that followed him lit the room up, giving it warmth, warmth that reminded him of her. Surprisingly, the room didn’t feel lonely, but it felt like something – or someone was dying, losing warmth, losing life. He walked around the room and-

-there she was.

This paragraph could be more concise, I think. I put 'warm' and 'dying' in blue, and as you can see you used them both quite a bit. Repetition can be a good thing sometimes but I don't think you need to reuse these two words so much here. Also, it seems like in the story you're making a contrast between a feeling of warmth in the flashbacks and cold now he's woken up (which I really like, by the way! ), yet you have a lot of warmth in this paragraph even though it isn't a flashback. The dying fire does feel appropriate, but I think it would be more fitting if you used antonyms of warm here - cool, chill, that kind of thing. Just a suggestion, but it would give more variety and perhaps make it more eerie.

He rubbed his eyes, which were now shedding tears of grave sorrow and sadness.

sadness and sorrow

Same adjectives in quick succession here. Also, sadness and sorrow mean pretty much the same thing, so you don't really need both. Perhaps look for other words than express more what he's feeling.

Overall, nitpicks aside, this was a great read. It was very original and I was genuinly quite shocked when the trail led to the main character's bed. However, you have this brilliant idea and I think you could make so much more of it. There are just a couple of things I think could be improved generally:

Helping the reader to emphasize with the main character - I want to really feel the guy's pain. He's just discovered that some mysterious force made him murder the woman he's in love with. You've got a pretty tragic storyline set up here, but the description of the man's feelings is limited to 'tears of sorrow'. It's a good start but it's a little cliche and I'm sure you could go deeper. Where does he feel the grief - in his heart? In his gut? Does it ache, does it burn, does his head throb? What exactly about her does he miss about her most? Make it personal; make it true. I'm not saying it should be one of those self-indulgent angst-filled rambles that go on for paragraps but I do think some more description is needed, enough so that reader feel it along with the character.

Describing key events better - So, he follows a trail of blood, his curiosity and desperation increasing, and eventually it leads him to the corpse of the woman he loves. This is a genuinly chilling moment, but you only spend a couple of sentences describing what she looks like. You could make the scene so much more ghoulish if there was more description of what the body looked like. Besides, I'm curious to know what this woman he was so crazy about looked like! This is linked to my other suggestion: if you describe the crucial scenes more it'll make the pain and shock of the loss stronger.

There's so much mystery in this with the long period of sleep sleep, the flashbacks and the memory of the forces that made him kill her. Are you going to write more of this? Either way, I can't wait to see more from you, especially if you keep putting out stories like this!

PM me if you have any questions or would like to discuss any of this or anything.

Welcome to YWS. I won't be your first reviewer, but your second.

I: Nitpicking.

His legs ached and his stomach was sore

I'm afraid you forgot some words here, buddy! Without them, this sentence doesn't make much sense and seems a little conjucted. You don't have to keep them in, as I've already thought of plenty other ways to change this sentence into making sense, but for the time being; I think this fits well.

129 days

.

Just a little pointer; numbers are usually spelt out. So instead of 129 you should've placed one hundred and twenty-nine. No offence, I did the same mistake to. It just lets reader know that you're spending time in constructing your chapter to florish as best as possible. Having numbers, to me, just seems sloppy.

The warmth felt good on his bare skin, it was life-giving.

Another missing word. Just a small alteration and the sentence makes more sense. I could also reccomend, if you want to give the sentence more flavour; The warmth felt good on the bare skin he left showing out from under his ragged shirt. You can place an similie in place of ragged.

that reflected the fire – life-giving and warm. He would never let her go…

Sounds a little repetitivie. If you read the lower part it starts to repeat itself. This only makes me frustrated as a reader and I think other people also feel this way. To me, I say just eliminate the whole thing. Just discard it and let the fishes get it. The story sounds better without the useless filler.

II: Plot Structure.

I'll start with what I like.

The suspense was great. I was all like; what?? At most parts and the ending was just so dark, it was creepy but entertaining that I was more! That what really drew me to this story, I kept on wondering what was happening and why, concluding the events in my head. You kept it open, though not to open to make me strat drooling all over my keyboard in confusion.

Now for the problems.

You repeated yourself, frequently. I know I have mentioned this but it is a big thing. You must read over your writing to see where exactly you're doing this. It is a very annyoing thing to read and can sometimes throw the reader that they put the book down immediately.

Another problem would be the jumping. I was confused through some of it. One second the character was here the other he was in whoop whoop land! This, again, is another serious problem. I was tempted to just leave this because I was so confused (though not at drooling point). Again, you should try and add length to it the jumpy parts.

there she was.

The blood-stained floor led to her. He body lay there, still and motionless. He dropped to his knees, crying. Each tear filled with sadness and a single question: who did this?

The blood-stained floor didn’t stop at her lifeless body. The stains circled round to form another blood-stained path parallel to the previous. He started walking along it, hoping to find who had done this. The flame followed.

He ended up back in the neglected corridor-
No, it could be-

He ran quickly through the hall to the other end. To the dark room in which he began. The flame behind him followed him into the room, lighting it up.

Now he could see.
The second path of blood stains led…

…to his bed. What had he been doing whilst he slept?

Then-

This part was really trippy. My opinion is that you go through and fix it. Add length so that reads motionly. I have this same problem to, and I know that it isn't easy. But heck, you've got to do it! It's for the readers...

III: Overall.

A great story with great potential. If you polish up the jaggered edges, this story can really shine! I don't want to sound in anyway insulting through the review so I do don't take it heart please!

Hey RedLeaf!

This is my first review of any of your work and before I begin, I would like to warn you that I am a harsh reviewed most of the times *evil laugh*

This story was...how can I say this...OMG! It was amazing! It was by far one of the best short stories I have ever read! But then again, I haven't read that many short stories but it was still one of the best ones! It flowed excellently. Fantastic structure and excellent choice of words. But you did make a fare few careless mistakes which must be attended to immediately.

1.

...cobwebs hung loosely of the ceiling replace of with off

2.

...129 days replace 129 with one hundred and twenty-nine

3.

...the cold concrete floor…stained with blood this sentence doesn't quite make sense

4.

There she sat, on the couch, infront of the warm fire get rid of the commas and infront is two words

5.

...and looked deeply into her deep, brown eyes... using deep within three words of each other doesn't sound good; use a thesaurus

I wont list all of them cause there are quite a few. Just go through the story again to make sure that it is all right. I loved the ending but for some reason I think it would end better if some how he killed himself. Just a suggestion.

Fantastic story. Keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C. join now!

Hello there, RedLeaf!

I'm here to you-know-it. :3

First of all, I thank you for the reviews and I think you deserve to be reviewed back. :3

Repetition:

This has been beat to death already but all I just want to say is that Thesaurus and Dictionary are your two best friends, my dear. It's because I have seen a lot of repeated words and to say that they are sometimes never fun to read. Though I'm not saying that they are annoying but it might completely threw off your readers when you mention the same words all over again (twice or thrice) in a paragraph. Plus, when you explore fresh words, it would widened up your vocabulary skills. So, explore and experiment on new words.

Know the ingredients of your dish:

Okay, do not think of this literally rather metaphorically. What I mean about this is that know your main character. As far as I can see, I couldn't relate much to him or for short, I don't know him. Let us know more about your character as the story goes one and on. Don't do limitations however don't go beyond too. Put in some personality to him and allow the London bridge to connect your character's thoughts to your reader's mind. Let us feel scared if your character feels that too. And emotions are really necessary into your story. It's too unrealistic if you haven't placed in some sentiments, because your story would probably look too plain. And in my on point of view, it is the emotional characteristic of your main character that draws your reader closely throughout the story. And speaking of descriptions, I think you should put in some sugar and spice too. Do not only limit yourself with visual depictions but also with the smell, sound and other things, because it would increase the realism or the actuality of your story. And Show don't tell. :3

All in all:

Kicking aside those negative comments or whatsoever, I thank you for the good read. Although there are just some awkward phrasing and repeated words, this definitely has potential. I like the concept of the story, you know, about a man who has been like possessed and killed his lover, something like that. It's really interesting but I'm just confused of how and why he's was kind of possessed; why did it happen to him? I'm just curious. Anyway, I know you have much more up to your sleeve than what you have offered right here. So hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri