[September Contest] The Third Man

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‘The Third Man’

Author's Note: Your story is about a man at the top of your head licking lollipops. (815 Words)

I’m told – now and again – that the majority of you folks don’t have a third man like me. I don’t know if that makes me different, ‘cause I never liked being different; different gets you bullied; different makes you stand out.
My third man ain’t like other people’s third man either. Mine is just an inch high, just ‘bout the same size in width too, and likes to lick lollipops. I told my third man the lollies was makin’ him sick, but he didn’t listen to me. He never listens to me; just stays up there lickin’ his lollipops and now and ‘gain he feels the need to tell me some kind’a advice – as if he had already lived and knew everythin’ there was to know. Pfft, I always tell ‘im, How would you know? You just got an education in lickin’ lollipops so don’t tell me that y’know what I should do. You don’t know nothin’!
But like I said: he never listens to me. The third man and I – which my Gramps told me is the right way to word it, rather than me n’ the third man – walked into our local chippy the other day; down on Merkin’s Street. Not many people were ‘round that day, which is odd in my town ‘cause Merkin’s Street is usually busy around November time. People are always runnin’ around eager to get the presents long before Christmas – bunch’a crack pots, Gramps had told me on several occasions. Anyway, I’m drifting. My English teacher says it ain’t good to drift when you’re writing a tale ‘cause you end up losin’ the reader’s interest. I have this skill to get ‘em back into the read though; ‘tis a secret that my teacher told me one day. What you do is you write an onomatopoeic word like this: BANG! Apparently it is a crafty technique that makes the ‘skimmin’ readers pay some damn attention’ my Gramps told me when I asked why my teacher told me to do it. Gramps always knows things, he’s like an IQ bank – unlike the third man, who is just silly. So damn silly.
So I was in the chippy – the third man and I – when I walk up to the counter and run into my friend from school. Her name is Jessie. Jessie’s the only one, other than Gramps, who believes that I got this third man. Jessie says she likes lollipops too, but I don’t like it when she says that, ‘cause it makes me feel like she prefers that idiot over me. I like Jessie; she’s kind n’ sweet and my mother told me I should build a good friend-bond with her – Mum had passed away too, which kind’a made the memory stick in my head more. When we had ordered fish and chips, Jessie asked me, “Have you named your third man yet?”
The question threw me back, ‘cause when she asked, the third man dropped his lollipop on my head and startled me. I didn’t like it when he did that, but I knew when he did he was finally payin’ some attention. Names had always made me wonder though – I mean, what is a good name? Some people are named after Greek sayings, but I think this is silly. Greek sayings are usually made up and that means names are made up too. I prefer facts. Facts have less questions, facts can be proved. Then again, my third man was silly. Real silly. Maybe a Greek saying-name was perfect for the lollipop licking idiot. I didn’t know many Greek names, but there was an advert for a movie recently, called “Alexander”. I haven’t seen that movie. It’s rated 12, and I’m only 10. I could watch it in two years, but I think I would’ve forgotten it by then.
“Alexander,” I replied to Jessie, hoping to impress her with my imagination.
“Hello Alexander,” she smiled and patted me on the head gently. “Enjoy your lollipop! I’ll see you tomorrow, Sean. Okay?”
I couldn’t reply by the time she’d skipped off into her Mum’s car and began waving while it drove away. I was in a state o’ silence. It don’t happen to me much, but when it does, it kind’a feels good. I like silence – not too much though. Then I realised. Alexander had gone. Jessie had patted him away. Suddenly I felt sad, but then it came to me; I’m free now and so is Alexander.
The third man and I was no more. I was Sean again – and that, that made me smile.
Last edited by BenFranks on Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:59 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hey Ben, Jai here :)

I have this skill to get ‘em back into the read though; ‘tis a secret that my teacher told me one day: BANG! Apparently it is a crafty technique that makes the ‘skimmin’ readers pay some damn attention’ my Gramps told me when I asked why my teacher told me to do it. Gramps always knows, he’s like an IQ bank – unlike the third man, he’s just silly. So damn silly.

Not quite sure what you were trying to say here. I think you were trying to tie using "bang" as the technique, but it didn't click for me. Also, are you saying his grandpa is silly, or the third man?

So I was in the Chippy – the third man and I – when I walk up to the counter and run into my friend from school.

The first time you talked about the chippy, you had it non-capitalized.

Some people are named after Greek sayings, but I think this is silly.

You say "silly" a lot in this story.

It’s rated 12, and I’m only 10.

? I've never seen a movie with the rating 12. I've seen PG13+ (Parental Guidance Recommended), and M/MA15+ (Mature Audiences), but I have never seen a 12 years above only rating.

I am so confused. Maybe I missed the whole story here, but who was the third man? Why would a pat on the head get rid of him? I sincerely thought that Sean had, literally, a man on his head. I have no idea what to think about this story.

Perhaps you can explain to me the concept behind it, because I'm absolutely lost.

:/ Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.




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Well, this was definitely interesting. Quite original... I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, but I'm pretty sure I like it. I'm not going to nit-pick, because with your style, it seems that all the mistakes are intentional. So, on to the overall.

Overall: This was an interesting character piece, but I felt like you rambled too much. I know you're doing that intentionally for one of the paragraphs, but, like your character says, it just slows down the story and looses my interest. I'd rather hear more about Jessie, or how this guy got the Third Man, and what he says to him. We don't need a whole paragraph of rambles because by that point we already got your style of it. You could use the extra words to prolong the discussion with Jessie, because that seemed way too short.

On the plus side, your style was very good. It felt like he was a Southern in America, and everything about that story seemed to match that. Usually that style pisses me off, but because this was shorter, it worked well. However, I agree with seeminglyendless on the rating system. It's a small thing, and maybe where you like their are movies rated 12+.

And while I can't say I loved your story, it definitely entertained me till the end. This is probably a story where you either like it or not, but I thought it was good. The prompt you had was seemed way too strange to make a story out of, but you did it pretty well. I'd just like to see a little more plot and a little less rambling.
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Have any of you two read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night time"? It's about an autistic child who tries to write a murder mystery novel. From this, I was inspired to write from the view of a mentally challenged child as he tries to get around in life. It's a new style, I'm glad you liked the originality.

About the rating: I live in Britain and we have: U, PG, 12, 15 and 18. Sorry if that confused you, but I wasn't writing from an American perspective.

The repetition of "silly": I was kind of hoping it would back up that idea of the mentally challenged young child. Someone with a certain extent of vocabulary, you know?

Other than that, thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to edit it right now.




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Hi! Here to review as requested. :)

I'm probably just being daft, but why is Alexander called the third man? Wouldn't he only be a second man, unless there's another man on his head? I realize I'm probably being stupid and the answer's really obvious, but I was wondering about that.

Most of the time when people make it obvious that their character has an accent, they're trying too hard and it sounds forced and I hate it. But here, I think it worked. I could hear him talk. This doesn't really seem overdone, and it didn't annoy the heck out of me, like writing like this usually does. Which brings me to my next point.

I don't mind the repetition of "silly." In fact, I like it. That, my friend, is called a speech pattern. I use words like "fricken" and "peanut butter" a lot. He uses "silly." It's something that ties his character in, connecting all the words, and with someone who relies so heavily on his Gramps for info on how things work, he obviously is going to have a word he uses frequently.

I didn't get that he was autistic, though. I guess I imagined him as like four, until you told me his age, but by then it didn't quite set it, 'cause it ended so soon. I'd suggest hinting more to the fact that he's mentally challenged. How do people around him treat him? Do they patronize him, and does he get that they are? Do kids tease him, call him stupid? I don't have much experience with things like this, but by adding how he's perceived by the world -- or how he perceives how the world perceives him -- we get more insight on who he is, and it's easier to realize he's autistic. Also, it makes the whole thing about a third man that much more believable.

I was Sean again – and that, that made me smile.


I know I'm being picky, but I liked how this was before, with it just italicized. The underline seems like you're trying too hard to put emphasis on it -- like when people use two to a billion exclamation marks -- and it seems amateurish.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Thank you ultraviolet. I can see why it wasn't obvious he was autistic - it was merely the perspective from someone autistic that influenced the style. I guess I only wanted to hint to it. if I was to make this longer, I'd definitely talk about how people are around him, because I think that's important.

The only reason I called him the "Third" man is because when people in Britain talk about someone's perspective outside of the topic they say "third party" so I kind of intertwined the two. It wasn't obvious so don't worry, just simply a case of me thinking it sounded better. ;)

Thanks again,
Ben




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I found this adorable. It has this sweet innocence to it, and a very nostalgic but clear look through a child's eyes. No real critique, unfortunately, but I really enjoyed this :D
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you say that they're fragile just like china cups




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Hey there, Ben. :)

I'm sorry, times 100, that I didn't get to this sooner, let alone on time for the contest. I logged onto YWS and altogether, I had seven review requests... I did try getting them all done, but I epically failed. Enough excuses from me, I'll just get onto your review already!

I don’t know if that makes me different, ‘cause I never liked being different; different gets you bullied; different makes you stand out.

I'm not 100% sure on this, but I don't think you need the comma before 'cause. 'Cause is just a slang version of because, so I don't think you need that comma.

My third man ain’t like other people’s third man either. Mine is just an inch high, just ‘bout the same size in width too, and likes to lick lollipops. I told my third man the lollies was makin’ him sick, but he didn’t listen to me. He never listens to me; just stays up there lickin’ his lollipops and now and ‘gain, he feels the need to tell me some kind’a advice – as if he had already lived and knew everythin’ there was to know. Pfft, I always tell ‘im, How would you know? You just got an education in lickin’ lollipops so don’t tell me that y’know what I should do. You don’t know nothin’!

I really like the accent of the MC. Good ol' English. ;)

The third man and I – which my Gramps told me is the right way to word it, rather than me n’ the third man – walked into our local chippy the other day, down on Merkin’s Street.


People are always runnin’ around, eager to get the presents long before Christmas – bunch’a crack pots, Gramps had told me on several occasions.


Jessie says she likes lollipops too, but I don’t like it when she says that, ‘cause it makes me feel like she prefers that idiot over me.

Again, I don't think you need this comma.

The question threw me back, ‘cause when she asked, the third man dropped his lollipop on my head and startled me.

And again... ;)

I didn’t like it when he did that, but I knew when he did, he was finally payin’ some attention.


It’s rated 12, and I’m only 10. I could watch it in two years, but I think I would’ve forgotten it by then.

He sounded like such a little kid then, which is good, by the way.

“Hello Alexander,” she smiled and patted me on the head gently. “Enjoy your lollipop! I’ll see you tomorrow, Sean. Okay?”

I love that name. xD


Overall

N'awww... I loved this! :D It was really quirky and weird, which is probably why I was so fond of it. What I really thought you did well was make it clear the the MC was a young child. I even knew that he was clearly a kid before you mentioned him being 10, which shows that you wrote the voice of the story very effectively. One of the aspects that made it clear that Sean was young was the fact that he repeated and used words like silly. The only issue with that is that I didn't really find that he came across as autistic; just young. I'm not sure how autism works, but I think that if you made him older, that might actually make it more clear. For example, you could make him thirteen or something. That doesn't bother me too much though, if I'm honest because I thought that the voice of your poem overall made up for it. I thought that you handled the line the generator gave you very well because it really did help you write a very interesting little story. Those story generators work a treat, don't they? Also, I got the third man thing. I know how you English think... :lol:

The only critique I really have for you is the ending. When it ended, I kind of thought, What? Has it ended already? What I'm basically saying is that I thought that it ended kind of suddenly. I'd like to know what happened to Sean after the lollipop licking guy left his head. Did he feel lonely after a while? Did he not miss him at all? Don't get me wrong, I really like the sentence you ended this on, it's just that I found that the ending as a whole was a bit sudden and I think you could have maybe even made the story longer. Compared to the beginning and middle, I found that the ending was a bit less detailed. What you could actually do to make this longer is maybe show us some signs that Sean is, in fact, autistic. Like ultraviolet said, you could describe other poeple's reactions to him. Another thing you could do is maybe get Sean thinking or talking about 'his pills' or something. I'm pretty sure that children with autism do take medication, so that could be a good way of showing that Sean has some kind of mental problem. It could also make the story longer and hopefully make the ending longer somehow.

Other than that, there's nothing I can find to critique... One thing I adore about this is the Englishness of it. I could just imagine a little cockney kid speaking about some guy licking a lollipop on top of his head. I kind of feel that I 'get this' the most out of the previous reviewers because I'm British. I understand the third man thing, the accent, the 12+ (Who needs R rated films when you have 18?) ;), the Chippy, and the other details like that. I can understand why some people might be confused, but I grasped it pretty well, I think. Also, sorry if it wasn't supposed to be a cockney accent... I epically suck when it comes to figuring out accents, especially all of the English ones...

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Thanks for taking the time to review it in depth Skins, I appreciate it. :)



My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
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