[September contest] Snowballs

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It wasn’t beautiful snow. It was muddy, engraved by the heavy souls of winter boots.
Damaged.
In the centre: a crack in the earth, narrow and profound. Ice glistened on the surface – inviting, yet treacherous. He wondered where all the ducks had gone. Maybe hiding. Maybe stuck underneath.

He knelt down, forming a small, frozen ball. His rough hands were cracked; gloveless.
For a second, he stayed where he was, observing the world from a dog’s perspective. Boots, rushing wherever they pleased. Little kids, heavily kitted with winter gear. One smiled at him, and he returned the gift.

“Ollie!” a voice called.
He jumped up, patting some more snow on his slowly melting ball. His sister was waving at him; her stripy gloves matched the many colours of the people around them.
He stood across from her, motionless.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, her smile dying. She walked over to him, dropping her snowball. She put a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”
He looked down at the snowball in his hands.
“I’ve forgotten how, Rebecca,” he said. He looked back up. Tears began to well in her eyes. She looked away, hiding it. Hiding her frustration.

Ollie shrugged. Big sister, always worried.
When she’d learnt he was going to the army, she’d thrown a fit. Her only family left. It was even worse when she found out about that one gun shot that had almost killed him. He was in hospital, unconscious, at the time. But, according to neighbours, her scream could be heard for miles.

Now, he tapped her on the shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“No, it’s not your fault,” she replied, abruptly turning back. She wiped her arm across her eyes, forcing a smile. “It’s like this.” She pushed the half melted snowball out of his hands, bending down to make him another. The old snow slopped to the ground. Quickly, she placed the new snowball in very centre of his palm. He instinctively closed his fingers around it.
“Good!” Rebecca smiled. “Now, throw.” She acted out an underarm throw.
He watched carefully. He had he been away from home, from fun, from life; for too long. Images of war-driven places - naked; sore - had invaded his mind, pushing out all the light-weight images of civilisation.
Now having a snowball fight was close to impossible.

He closed his eyes. He could do this. Hesitantly, he opened them again. They were met by his sister’s deep brown inquisitive stare. Slowly, he nodded. She nodded back, eyes heavy with encouragement.
He aimed and threw, letting go of the snowball at the last moment. It flew for a few seconds, before plonking down to gravity.

Images of steely grenades filled his mind.

“You did it!” Rebecca screeched, pulling him into a tight embrace. He squeezed his eyes shut. Willing away the explosions, the screams, that had found their way into his head.
There was only one way to get rid of them.

Ollie pulled himself out of his sister’s arms, forcing his shaking hands to do what needed to be done.
He gathered the snowball in his hands, making it big, bigger; huge. Above him, Rebecca smiled proudly.

He jumped up, lifting his arm, letting go. It landed right on her cheek. She flinched, laughed. Bent down to make a new one. It caught his arm.

For the first time in three years, he smiled with his eyes.

Childhood memories rushed back, kissed him - as a million little snowballs began to fly between them.


Spoiler
This was my prompt: Your story is about a soldier at the Panama Canal snow ball fighting.
Last edited by Lilicia on Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Wow, this was a really good story. Pretty amazing that you did this with a wacky short story generator.

Overall: I really liked the style of the piece. Very descriptive, very show-not-telly (that is totally a word BTW). It matched the somber mood of the piece well, and I got sucked in to your characters. I feel like you've got the emotion of a soldier very well also. Really, there's very little to nit-pick with this piece, so awesome job.

Nit-Picks:

But, according to neighbours, her scream could be heard for miles.

I laughed at this line. Don't know if that was what you wanted, but it just seemed silly that you could hear a scream that far away.

Childhood memories rushed back; kissed him - as a million little grenades began to fly between them.

The last line could be better. For one, the semi-colon disrupts the flow of the sentence and makes it awkward. Maybe try something like "Childhood memories rushed back, kissing him -" or something.
Also, I'm not sure about the part "as a million little grenades began to fly between them." I know you're comparing grenades to snowballs, but it doesn't seem like a good way to end it. It seems like they are trying to kill each other, not have a simple snowball fight. If you just swapped the word grenade with snowball or something.

So yeah, I really have no big complaints. This was a great piece, and you should feel proud of it.

EDIT: For the September contest, I think you have to put the brackets BEFORE your title. I don't know if you'll get disqualified for putting them after, but Nate seemed pretty strict about it. So it'd be "[September Contest] Snowballs"
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Hey, I'm Jai :)

Little kids, heavily kitted with winter gear. One smiled at him. He returned the gift.

Hmm, all your sentences are really short and really descriptive. The second part is nothing to be worried about normally, but when you have a large amount of short burst sentences with a lot of descriptive words, the paragraphs become too choppy. It's nice to have some variation of length.

“I’ve forgotten how, Rebecca,” he said. He looked back up. Tears began to well in her eyes. She looked away, hiding it. Hiding her frustration.

Wow, just the emotion and the gaps/silences in this particular paragraph is so strong it's almost heart-breaking. That simple spoken sentence speaks more than anything else he could have said.

Ollie shrugged. Big sister, always worried.

For some reason, I don't think this fits with the tone of the story.

When she’d learnt he was going to the army, she’d thrown a fit. Her only family left. It was even worse when she found out about that one gun shot that had almost killed him. He was in hospital, unconscious, at the time. But, according to neighbours, her scream could be heard for miles.

Now having a snowball fight was close to impossible.

Have you seen Dear John? I watched it last night, terribly slow movie, but it had a lot of feeling and sentimental moments. I'm trying to imagine what Ollie has gone through, what he has learnt that has completely erased all his happy childhood memories.

Slowly, he nodded. She nodded back, eyes spewing out encouragement.

lol, perhaps "spewing" isn't the best word to use here. The visuals I conjured were not pretty :P

He aimed and threw, letting go of the snowball at the last moment. It flew for a few seconds, before plonking down due to gravity.


Images of steely grenades filled his mind.

Gosh this story is subtle and yet completely in the reader's face. I wrote a soldier story too, but I think yours holds far more emotion.

I thought the ending was too simple, he overcame his military training too quickly. But then again, there was a word limit, so I suppose you had to stick to it.

I really enjoyed this story and the feelings that it forced from me. Thank you for the very moving read.

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian