[September Contest] It's What I Do

Spoiler

Your story is about a doctor at a deli turning into a penguin.

How could I have known when I let her lead me to the back room of the deli -- to show me a surprise, she had said -- that never again would I be called into the hospital at ungodly hours of the morning, that never again would I spend my Friday nights with my beautiful little niece, never again would I talk on the phone or ride a bike or eat a pizza or tell someone -- anyone -- that I loved them.

But as soon as I walked into the room, I knew. I knew that something was up, if nothing else.

I heard the door close, and a click told me it was locked. I looked behind me to see Belle sliding the key into her back pocket. An almost maniacal smile was on her face, so much unlike the ones she usually wore. A siren went off in my head, warning me. But about what?

She lifted her hand and appeared to be writing something mid air, using her pointer finger as a pen. Immediately, as though yanked on by invisible chains, my limbs jerked out, making an X. I tried to struggle, but the only thing I could move was my head, and even so I couldn’t talk, only breathe.

My windpipe constricted, letting only minimal air in at once. Without the oxygen, my circulation slowed. My toes and fingertips started to tingle, then grew numb. My breaths turned to short spurts as I desperately tried to compensate for the deprivation.

Belle wrote more words with her finger, and soon I could feel my clothes rip off, and I saw them fly to the side, apparently unaffected by the invisible shackles, until my peripheral vision couldn’t locate them.

How-- Who-- What-- Why…?

More words, and soon I was dressed again; the clothes, as though alive, floated over to me, going through the invisible chains, and slid onto my body. As they waltzed over, I could see what I was to wear; a tuxedo, a top hat, and tap shoes, all black.

Why… I tried to think of more words… Why… None came to me. My mind pounded, trying to figure out something, anything. My brain synapses were firing too much stimuli, overloading my senses, removing my ability to process the situation. Just why…

On nothing, Belle scribbled feverishly, mesmerized in her work. She seemed mad, insane.

As the effects of whatever the frick was happening took place, everything seemed to grow, except my new clothes; they shrank. They pinched and tugged, as though squeezing me to death. I was in the grip of a cobra; I was miles under the sea; I was being choked by a killer. No, it was none of those. It was worse. The pressure was incomparable. My vision was littered with bright dots of colored light. All the rest of the world was black.

Then, the pressure eased. I could breathe again. My vision cleared. But it wasn’t normal.

Everything was distorted. Fuzzy. Too large, too disproportional. I felt like I was at a fun house, where the walls were lined with trick mirrors. What could have been seconds, minutes, or hours passed, but my vision didn’t reorient.

Belle, almost eagerly, said, “Listen up. You’re only going to have normal brain activity for a little longer, and I love the wide-eyed look you people have when I explain things, so you better not ruin this for me.

“First, you may be wondering how this is even possible. You see, your teensy little brain can only classify what I do as magic. It's a very complicated process, so let me dumb it down for you. As long as someone consistently takes in certain foods, I can change them—even into an entirely different species."

She winked at me and patted my head. Like she predicted, my eyes grew wide, and a croak escaped my strange-feeling throat.

"Second, I'm sure you'll want to know, why you? There are so many people out there, why would I pick you to mess around with? Simple; you were the first -- well, the first since Lenny -- to take to the diet. It's really your own fault you have a taste for salami, French dressing, and pickles on rye.

"Now, you're probably thinking, 'How could anyone be so cruel?' And that brings me to my third point."

She sighed longingly and looked off to the side, as though thinking on things past.

"Ryan, it's very boring living the life of a commoner. I don't know how you do it. So I create friends for myself, people who I can show my true nature to."

Boredom. No, she didn't do it for revenge. Not out of anger, fury, sadness, desperation, nor need or necessity. She hadn't done it because she hadn't a choice. She was doing something to me out of sheer boredom.

She looked back at me.

"But don't worry; once I'm done with you, I'll send you off to some nice little penguin reserve in the Arctic. Or maybe it's the Antarctic that penguins live."

She shrugged.

Penguin reserve? What the…

She rummaged around her bag and withdrew a hand-held mirror. She angled it towards me, allowing me to see what she had done.

She seemed to speak, but all words became muddled, incomprehensible. My sight became skewed, shaded all wrong. Soon, I couldn’t think. All thoughts become cut off, incoherent, a blurb of words randomly jumbled together.

The last human thought I had was a three-word sentence.

I’m a penguin.

Woah. You actually took the story-maker seriously. I mean, given that particular sentence, I would have made him turn into a penguin metaphorically, Y'no?

Anyways, it has a wacky air to it, which was good, considering the end. But you gotta admit, aside from having a little wacky humor, the whole thing seems pointless. Not only that, but it raises numerous questions I didn't need to ask. Why does she want a penguin? How did she do that? What happens next?
These questions pique my interest, and are probably positive points for the story, but with all the wackiness going on, I (th reader) just want something stable to hold on to, some concrete and logical answers amidst all the weirdness.

It has a flair all its own for being so weird, so that's all right.
Kudos!

Hi Violet! Pink here, as requested

So, first of all, I'd like to say you did a fairly good job, considering what the crazy plot generator gave you. I like how you didn't make it all random and put just a whole bunch of fun into this, you actually tried to make it into a story. Although, I do agree with Jenthura about the whole questions. I found myself asking why she made penguins and what was up with her food diet program or whatever lol. For the beginning, I think you still need to jazz it up by putting in an attention grabber or something because it's a bit boring. Man walks into a shop and eats a sandwich, whoo! See what I mean? The only part that that really caught my attention is when she asked him to go back and started getting all funky and stuff with her fingers, but other than that I would try to make this a little more interesting. Considering all that, I still think you did a pretty good job I apologize if this review wasn't as helpful, lol. I can't exactly find anything else that needs to be pointed out, though.
Keep it up!

~Shear

Heya Ultraviolet

I am here to review as requested! I'm hoping to give you a half decent review because I've been lazy recently so I haven't been giving the best reviews possible. Basically, I need to get off my lazy butt. I'm glad to see you entering the September contest. There's something about contests that makes me excited... They make me feel like a child on a sugar rush. As you know, I'll start off with any nit-picks that I have for you.

A bell chimed as I walked through the door of Subs-’R-Us -- such a horribly tacky name for such a taste bud-awing sandwich shop. Like every Saturday afternoon, Belle was manning the counter. At the sound of my entry, she looked up and the corners of her mouth lifted, showing off her pearly white teeth.

Normally I'd be nowhere near as touchy about this, but I would have liked to have seen a more powerful opening paragraph. With short stories especially, I find that a really strong opening is vital. Don't get me wrong, this beginning has nothing wrong with it. It's just not all that exciting. I know for a fact that you're good at humorous writing because I've read plenty of funny pieces by you. What I'd actually like to see here is maybe something comical at the beginning. This isn't something you have to do, but I think it would be something to consider, especially because this is a contest. You do want to PWN everyone else, don't you?

Salami, bacon bits, cheddar cheese, black olives, red peppers, mayo, french dressing, and pickle juice on rye, toasted 'till/until the crust was a nice solid black.

That was the thing about Belle. When she asked how I was, she seemed genuinely interested, not like she was just making small talk.

Once again, I apologise for the weird touchiness. There was something about the first sentence here that I wasn't too keen on. I think that it was the use of the word thing. The word thing is never really a good thing (<--- irony ) in a piece of writing. Even if you're talking about something minor, using the word thing gives the impression of vagueness. You hardly need to do anything about this though. Simply change the sentence to something like That was what I liked about Belle. Touchiness PWNS!

“I hear the chicken pox is making a run at the middle school; that’s important.” Belle was always trying to make everyone else feel good about themselves.

“Oh, yeah,” I said with mock arrogance. “That’s me, saving the world, one itchy kid at a time.”

“Hey, it’s what I do.” That was always her answer. “But if you’re done, would you mind checking something out in the back? There’s something I want to show you.”

The way she twinkled her eyes, which were always so sparkly, how could I say no?

Touchiness kicking in again... This sentence seemed to be phrased a bit awkwardly to me. As a whole, it didn't really make absolute, complete sense the way you wrote it. I just think that you should edit this a bit to make it a bit smoother and easier to read.

“Sure.”

If I was in that position, I would have asked what Belle wanted to show me, even if it was in a jokey kind of way. Knowing me, I actually would have made a joke about her taking me away and brutally murdering me in the back alley. I would understand, for obvious reasons, why you might not want to actually write that. Do you get what I'm saying though? I think that you should at least crack a joke about what Belle wanted to show him or something. Haha, I'm so picky. It's fun...

I heard the door close, and a click told me it was locked.

Dun. Dun. Duuuun.

Belle wrote more words with her finger, and soon, my clothes started to fly away; off came my jacket and shirt, my pants, my shoes and socks, and my hat.

You don't need the first comma here.

The only thing that stayed was my boxers, and that was probably more for her sake than mine.

haha, she's a pedo.

More words, and soon I was dressed again, though this time in a tuxedo, top hat, and tap shoes, all black. The only thing I wore that wasn't dark was a white button down shirt under the jacket.

You don't need the first comma in this sentence either.

This couldn’t possibly be the Belle I was walking to not minutes before.

They pinched and tugged, as though squeezing me to death. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt.

Don't need the first comma here either. The reason I pointed out these two sentences was because I thought they kind of contradicted themselves. You said that the clothes felt as though they were squeezing you to death, yet it didn't hurt. It gave off a bit of a mixed message. If you say that something was squeezing/pulling/hurting/tugging/beating/whatever you to death, it's another way of basically saying that something was really hurting you. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Sorry if I'm confusing you...

Soon, the room looked the size of a soccer field, and Belle grew to the size of a giant.

You don't need the comma I highlighted in red.

My vocal chords worked again, but when I tried to speak, all that came out was a squawk.

You'll never guess what...? You don't need the first comma here either. I can see a pattern shaping with your misuse of commas. I'll have to mention that in a bit more detail later on.

“First, you may be wondering, why you? There are so many people out there, why would I choose you? Simple. You were the first to take to the diet. You see, the smartest and healthiest penguins eat a strict diet of but one thing; the usual.”

Haha, I like this!

She winked at me. Like she predicted, my eyes grew wide, and a croak escaped my strange penguin throat.

Unneeded comma!

“Second, you’re probably wondering how this is possible. Well, all I’m going to say is, hey, it’s what I do.”

You don't need the highlighted comma here either, although this is a different kind of comma error. More of a typo really, I think.

I was a penguin.

WOOP!


Overall

I apologise for me giving you some seriously touchy nit-picks, but what can you do, eh? It's not that I'm all moody or anything, I just thought I'd be extra observant so that I an help give you a good chance with the contest. You've already got some nice reviews so I'll try not to repeat what's already been said unless I believe it's completely necessary. As a whole, I very much liked this, Ultraviolet. It was certainly original. I really adored what you did with the line you were given; you used it effectively and gave your own twist to it. Like usual, there were parts of this that were a good laugh to read. My favourite part was definitely when Ryan was getting turned into the penguin. I loved how you made it funny, yet still managed to portray the fact that he was clearly terrified. When it comes to your grammar, as I'm sure you're aware, I did notice quite a few misused commas. I noticed you often used them with the conjunctions, for example, the words and and but. Except for that though, I couldn't find any other real grammatical mistakes. Your spelling was really great, plsu I liked how you varied your vocabulary, keeping your story interesting to read.

Now, onto the critiques. My first critique is actually kind of what's already been said. Taking the entire story into consideration, the content wasn't all that exciting. A doctor goes into a sandwich, buys a dodgy sandwich, gets taken into a dark room and turned into a penguin. Notice how the ending of what I just said is far from exciting, but the beginning sounds pretty dull. That's basically what I'm trying to say. I found the beginning of this story kind of uneventful and bland, but by the end, I thought that the content was great. It took a while for the exciting part to really kick in. I will confess that I merely skimmed through the first few paragraphs of this because they weren't the most eventful things in the world. If you'd started the story off with a kick-ass, weird or unusual opening paragraph, I think that you could have kept my full attention long enough for me not to get bored because you would have kept me thinking and wondering about the opening. What I'd suggest is for you to maybe hint at what's going to happen at the very begin. You could do that by simply mentioning a penguin somehow. How you'd do that exactly... well, that's up to you.

Another thing that I'd like to mention is about the poor doctor getting turned into a penguin. Don't get me wrong, I love turning people into penguins and everything, but why exactly did Belle want to turn Ryan into a penguin? Was it because she was simply a complete mentalist? Did she have a strange fetish for penguins? I'd also like to know how Belle had the powers to do so. Was she some kind of witch or something? I know that you gave her that little Hey, it's what I do saying, but I'd like to know why it's what she does. I apologise for being awkward.... I would like for you to explain the whole penguin transformation thing a bit more. Clear some things up.

I got the impression that Ryan was the first person Belle had turned into the penguin because she mentioned him being the first one to try the diet. If that is in fact true, how come Belle knew exactly what she was doing? Even if she'd researched it or something, God knows how she would have done that, but still, how did she look so confident and sure of what she was doing? Actually, thinking back, she also mentioned that she loved seeing the wide eyed look she got off the penguins. Oh, therefore, I guess he's not the first. I'm kind of confused now. Belle said that Ryan was the first to try the diet, but if that was true, how come she's done it plenty of times before? Or is it that Ryan was the first to try the diet since the last penguin she made...?

Finally! My last comment. Guess what... it's about grammar. WOOP. Nah, it's not that serious at all really. It's about the commas that I noticed you misusing. What I noticed was that at the beginning of almost every and or but, you included a comma. Remember, just because there's an and or a but there, it doesn't mean there has to be a comma there too. You use a came before a conjunction when you're connecting two independent clauses. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you here... I suck at commas. Taking that into account, I can't 100% guarantee that when I did correct your commas, all my corrections were right. Sorry about that... What can I say? I'm no expert. To be perfectly honest, when it comes to commas, there are an awful lot of rules. I've noticed that people use comma's differently, no matter what the technical rules are. Some people say one thing is right, while others completely disagree. Grammar is certainly a confusing thing to work with. Here's a site I found that could give you better advice on comma usage

Phew... Sorry my review dragged on a bit. *cough* a bit... I was clearly having a sugar rush moment. To sum it up, revise some of those commas, clear a few things up concerning the penguin transformation, and possibly make the beginning of this story a little more entertaining. I think that if you edit this up a bit, you could stand a good chance in this contest, I really do. Take into consideration what us reviewers have and sill say, then edit this up a bit.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I like this. ^^ You did a good job adding at least a little seriousness into your rather random topic. XD

Some specific things:

"The way she twinkled her eyes, which were always so sparkly, how could I say no?" Sounds a little awkward. I think it's that 'which were always so sparkly' that's doing it. Maybe try rephrasing it, something like this?
"The way her eyes - those sparkly, sparkly eyes - twinkled, how could I say no?" Okay, that doesn't sound right either... It's also the 'twinkled'. You can't twinkle your eyes; it's your eyes that twinkle.

"As the effects of what could only be dark magic took place..." Yes, of course, it could ONLY be dark magic.
If I were in his position, I wouldn't be thinking, "Oh, yes, this is obviously dark magic going on." I'd be thinking, "What in the world is going on?! How is this possibly happen? I want my mommy!"
Basically, that thought sounds a little too logical for the situation.

I agree with a lot of what Jenthura said, in that, this doesn't make much sense.
Yes, you were given a pretty random theme, and yes you only had 1,000 words to tell the story in. You couldn't give us a whole lot of information about who Belle was or how she started turning people into penguins.
But you used like ten words listing sandwich toppings, and then went on about kids with chicken pox (PFT. Penguin Pox! XD) for another few sentences. Good for character development, maybe, as witty banter... But it just meant you had less room to elaborate on what was going on in the part of the story where the real meat happens.

I'd like a little more information on what's making Belle do this...

And... What does the diet have to do with anything? Why would eating it mean they could turn into a penguin? Does it make them more receptive to the magic involved? It can't be because penguins like that kind of sandwich because penguins... They eat fish, right? Or krill? Whatever?

Not salami, bacon bits, cheddar cheese, black olives, red peppers, mayo, french dressing, and pickle juice on rye, toasted till the crust was a nice solid black (The more I look at it, the more I think that big long list needs to be trimmed down. It's kind of overwhelming...).

All in all, not bad, but I think you focus a little too much on the beginning. We don't need to hear about how Belle makes people feel better about themselves (before turning them into penguins), we need to hear WHY sweet, kind Belle would do such a thing at all.

Thanks for the reviews guys! They're great. I'm going to completely rewrite the beginning, and definitely put more of the right details into it. (I wrote this at like midnight, so my mind was kind of whacked out... if that helps my long beginning.) Anyways, thanks.

Hey UltraViolet Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers who will be reviewing your work, as requested. You received a whole heap of fantastic reviews already, and I didn't read over them, so lets hope I'm not repeating anything already mentioned (though in all likelihood, I am).

On to the review:

A bell chimed as I walked through the door of Subs-’R-Us -- such a horribly tacky name for such a taste bud-awing sandwich shop.

Small thing, but be careful of repetition.

I took the final bite of my sandwich, savoring the unusual texture.

Woah, did the main character just hoover up the sandwich? That was an unusually short time to eat what I imagine to be a huge sub.

How Belle always put in the right amount of everything, how she always toasted it to perfection, turning the edges to ash without burning any other part, how she even came up with it, was beyond me.

I think this would sound better as, "It was beyond me how Belle always put in the right amount of everything; how she always toasted it to perfection, turning the edges to ash without burning any other part; how she even came up with the unique recipe. The whole process seemed just as delicate as the procedures I preformed when I was in theatre."

The way she twinkled her eyes, which were always so sparkly, how could I say no?

Again, I think the first part would sound better at the beginning, "How could I say no to the way she twinkled her sparkly eyes at me?"

She dashed around the corner and took my arm, half-dragging me from my seat.

Assuming no one else is on duty, and Belle is not the owner of the deli, I think that abandoning your post is against regulations. Also, I don't know if I'm right or not, but I believe all stores have to have more than one person working there at all times. Like, you'd be hard-pressed to find a store anywhere with only one employee. I know at Subway and Red Rooster a manager must be on site at all times and accompanied with a cashier/kitchen hand.

Belle wrote more words with her finger, and soon my clothes started to fly away; off came my jacket and shirt, my pants, my shoes and socks, and my hat. The only thing that stayed was my boxers, and that was probably more for her sake than mine. My clothes seemed unaffected by the invisible shackles.

You're describing everything that happens to the main character in terms of what is actually occurring, but where are his emotions? Doesn't he feel afraid? Isn't he amazed by the revelation that magic is real and can be used to do awful things?

More words, and soon I was dressed again, though this time in a tuxedo, top hat, and tap shoes, all black. The only thing not dark that I wore was a white button down shirt under the jacket.

How does he know these things? Did he look down and the pieces of clothing magically appeared in their proper order? Did they "grow" on his skin?

As the effects of what could only be dark magic took place, everything seemed to grow, except my new clothes; they shrank. They pinched and tugged, as though squeezing me to death. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt.

lol, I think you'd get more of a reaction from the readers if you describe the pain of the event. You'd also inject a lot of the lacking emotion into the story, as it desperately needs it.

Soon, the room looked the size of a soccer field, and Belle grew to the size of a giant. She leaned over and held a portable mirror to my face. No, it wasn’t a mirror. It was a picture of a penguin. A penguin that moved its head every time I moved mine…

I don't like this, because humans are innately aware of their body within space. It's an unconscious thing, but we subconsciously register where all our body parts are in relation to each other and the objects around us. We feel, but don't actively register, the chair we sit on, the table where our arms rest, the mouse under our hand, and the head on our shoulders. If your body suddenly shrunk, if it suddenly changed, your mind would be going haywire. Your senses would have jumped into overload. You would be perceiving this lack of height, this lack of space, your missing body parts would harbour a phantom itch and your brain would be trying to get used to this new body.

tl;dr, not realizing you have been turned into a penguin is not a realistic thing (disregarding the fact that being able to be turned into a penguin is not a realistic thing in itself )

My vocal chords worked again, but when I tried to speak all that came out was squawk. I squawked again, louder, then again and again.

Do penguins have vocal chords? Do penguins squawk?

“Second, you’re probably wondering how this is possible. Well, all I’m going to say is, Hey, it’s what I do.”

I like how you tie the beginning in with this

I think the ending was a tad disappointing as it just cut off with no explanation of what happened to the main character in the end.

Other than the gripes above, I enjoyed this story. It was very entertaining and I'm amazed you managed to create a coherent story with what the story generator spat out at you

Hope my review was somewhat helpful

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers! All for one, and one for all! Ye-ah!

Hey, so, I have the revised version up. What d'you guys think?

Wow, this was a huge change. It was definitely more descriptive and it has very much improved.

The only thing I could find on my first run through was this:

It's really your own fault you have a taste for salami, french French dressing, and pickled pickle(s?) on rye.

I don't want my review to be this short, however, so I'll quickly read through the story again and point out anything I think needs pointing out

Boredom. No, she didn't do it for revenge. Not out of anger, fury, sadness, desperation, nor need or necessity. She hadn't done it because she hadn't a choice. She destroyed my life out of sheer boredom.

I'm not quite sure if this should be the beginning. It sounds like something that would sound better somewhere towards the end while she was explaining why she was doing it.

She lifted her hand and appeared to be writing something mid air, using her pointer finger as a pen. Immediately my limbs jerked out, as though yanked on by invisible chains. My body made , my limbs jerked out, making an X. I tried to struggle, but the only thing I could move was my head, and even so I couldn’t talk, only breathe.

My throat constricted, letting only minimal air in at once. My breaths turned to short spurts as I desperately tried to soak up much needed oxygen.

I think this would be an opportune moment to tie in the doctor side of this character. You could replace throat with windpipe. You could mention that your blood needed to be oxygenated.

Why… I tried to think of more words… Why… None came to me. My mind pounded, trying to figure out something, anything. Trying to process the situation, but it couldn’t. I couldn’t. Just why…

This is another change to include more details of his profession. If you did a little research, you could study the process the brain undergoes to transfer information. "My synapses were firing, sending individual electrical pulses to parts of my brain, overloading my senses, removing my ability to discern what was happening to me."

She put a portable mirror in front of my face.

lol, you could say something like, "She rummaged around in her purse and withdrew a hand-held mirror." It would make more sense and is more believable.

I don't know if I like this version more, solely because I liked the beginning of the original version. I don't know why the two versions can't be joined - the beginning of the first one (up to the mention of going to the back of the deli) + this = win.

It's 1:36am in the morning, so if the above comment wasn't very helpful, I'm sorry I did enjoy reading this though. It was almost entirely brand new material and I congratulate on writing someone so different and yet the same.

- Jai

Thanks for the review. The reason I didn't combine them was because that would have gone way over my word limit. But thanks for the thoughts on the doctor thing. I'll see what I can do.

*EDIT* I edited it. Just so ya know.

Something about your story... I'm not quite sure what it is, but something about it made me feel... disinterested. I couldn't really raise a care for the poor man being turned into a penguin, or bring myself to particularly boo at the woman who turned him into one. It was just a bit of text for me.

The plot is fairly simple, but it doesn't exactly need to go into depth. A woman uses food based magic to turn a man into a penguin. I don't really know what to say. The woman is described as manic when using magic, but suddenly when done she seems completely normal, even friendly. The man himself seems only a little bit worried, but maybe that was because he was being choked and couldn't show much other emotion. Even when turned into a penguin you seem to avoid describing his facial expressions other then a widening of eyes.

As soon as the witch's (I presume she's a witch) monologue begins the story is practically over. The interesting part is over, now we're just explaining the who, what and why's. If you read the spoiler at the top, then you're not holding your breath for the big reveal and overall I just didn't feel like this story went anywhere. The transformation which had so much potential was skirted over to make the dramatic reveal more dramatic, only to reveal it in an almost anti-climatic way of just bluntly saying it in ordinary conversation.

Sorry to say it, but I just didn't find this story particularly interesting.

Why hello thar! It's Azrael at your service reviewing as one of the Four Musketeers. Now, let's go!

How could I have known when I let her lead me to the back room of the deli -- to show me a surprise, she had said -- that never again would I be called into the hospital at ungodly hours of the morning, that never again would I spend my Friday nights with my beautiful little niece, never again would I talk on the phone or ride a bike or eat a pizza or tell someone -- anyone -- that I loved them.

Did you notice this is one sentence? I think it might be a tad too long... Also when you use hyphens you generally only ever need one to cut a sentence up a little - like that - and then close it off when one only as well. Or you could just, you know, use commas instead.

I heard the door close, and a click told me it was locked.

Was that an immediate click, or did the person lock it afterwards?

Immediately, as though yanked on by invisible chains, my limbs jerked out, making an X.

Limb? Or do you mean arms, legs or both? Please make sure you explain, because I can't really see this in my head.

My windpipe constricted, letting only minimal air in at once. Without the oxygen, my circulation slowed.

I think you're use to writing in third person. You see, this would work entire part here would make more sense if you were to replace "my" with "he" and "his". If you realise you can actually do that while writing in first-person you're not doing it entirely right. This should be explained through feelings, not explanations.

I was in the grip of a cobra; I was miles under the sea; I was being choked by a killer.

Lovely. I loved these descriptions.

I’m a penguin.

And that made my day.


Overall:
Wow. This literally blew my mind. I loved it. I don't have much to point out except what I've already said. You have an awesomely creative side and this was amazingly fun to read. Your characters were built up nicely and I loved your last line. However, your spoiler... well, spoiled it for me. Maybe you should put it down the bottom as an explanation to what you've written instead of before. Nice story, no grammar errors or typos so I like it a lot.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.