Funeral (2)

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Hey there! This is the second and last part to my story, Funeral. I've tried my hardest at trying to get my punctuation with dialogue right. I don't know if i have or not. I find it all a tad confusing. Please, tell me what you think. :)

“Lidia,” Caitlyn cried my name and wiped her nose not so lady-likely on her sleeve. “My brother loved you. He loved you more than anything in the world, so much he would have killed for you. You two were the cutest couple, absolute soul mates. I loved you like a sister the first time we met and I knew you would be a great welcome to the family. You pulled Tyler out of his black hole and out of the misery my parent’s death had left him in. You were truly his life safer. I’m sorry he was taken from you. I’m sorry you had to witness it and feel it too.” By the end of her heart-felt speech we were both a blubbering mess. I didn’t care at all what people saw and did not see. I cried great big heaving sobs and wiped my own nose on my sleeve.
“I’m sorry,” Caitlyn whispered and stumbled her way towards me. I stood up just in time for her body to make impact with mine. We stood in each others arms while we cried all of our pain together.
“I’m sorry too.” I said between gasps.
And just like that my thoughts exploded in my mind. The scene that I never wanted to repeat again came tumbling in like an avalanche.

“No! I’ll drive.” Tyler lunged at me. He grabbed my keys in one sweep and sprinted across the car park of the mall and straight to the driver’s side of the car. I sighed and followed him while trying to avoid the huge pot holes which had been filled with water from the rain. So really they were like mini swimming pools.
“I am perfectly capable of driving myself, you know.” I pouted when I finally made it into the warmth of the car. Tyler already had his music blaring from my stereo so I had to raise my voice to be heard over the thunderous noise.
“I know you are.” Tyler grinned and the car started to life with a growl.
“Then why won’t you let me drive?” I sulked and stared out the window and watched as we came out of the closed in area and onto the open road of the highway.
“Because,” his voice was utterly sweet and caring, “You look tired, you can sleep while I take care of everything.”
“I live, like, five minutes away.” I sighed, “and you basically said I look horrible.”
“Did not. You couldn’t look horrible even if you tried.” he grinned and took my hand in his. I melted into his touch and couldn’t keep up the act of being mad at him. He slowed down at a red light and then turned to stare at me. The red of the traffic light fell onto his face and made the blue of his eyes disappear some - which I didn’t like.
“I love you.” he smirked and gave me his lopsided grin. My heart fluttered and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. But I rolled my eyes and tried to act like I didn’t care either way.
“Don’t go all lovey-dovey on me. We’ve only stopped at an intersection.”
He shrugged, smirking at me, and then looked back just as the light changed to green. We had almost made it across the short piece of road. I could see my house at the end of the street. All lit up like a Christmas tree, inviting us in for warmth and hot chocolates. I could already taste the sweet deliciousness of my mums home made milos .I licked my lips in anticipation. There was a screech and a light so bright it hurt my eyes. My head flicked towards Tyler. His eyes were wide and full of fear as the light got brighter and brighter and took away the rest of my vision. Something hit the side of the car with a huge thud. We were sent spiralling around and around in circles. I had lost all sense of which way was up and down, left or right. A darkness was overpowering the light but I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave Tyler. He wasn’t there with me I could tell. I knew he was dead because it felt like half of me had died too. But there was still a smidgen of hope that I couldn’t suppress.
“Tyler.” I whispered, “I love you.”
And then the light flicked away and took my soul mate with it.


Standing straight was a mission when you were sobbing as hysterically as I was. The priest escorted Caitlyn and I out of the church, leaving a few stunned and sympathetic faces left behind.
“We can wait.” The priest told us in his calm voice and then turned to go back inside. I sat down on the ground and pulled my legs up to my chest. Caitlyn’s arms fell around my shoulders and I could feel her body shaking in synchronization with mine.
“It should have been me.” I gasped and held my stomach to try and keep myself from falling apart. Caitlyn lent back with a look of shock on her face. She had the same blue eyes as Tyler which made me have another attack of sobbing.
“Don’t say that,” she cried.
“It’s true though. I should have driven that night not Tyler.” I couldn’t get rid of the overwhelming guilt the threatened to crush me.
“So Tyler could be sitting here having this conversation?” she asked, “That’s not what he would want. He would have rather his life been taken than risk hurting yours.”
“But I am hurting.” I said letting all the pain and heart break enter my voice.
“I know you are.” Caitlyn spoke around a sob, “So am I.”
I nodded because I couldn’t talk. She pulled me back into her arms and we sat there sobbing together - for hours it seemed - but couldn’t be more than just a few minutes.

** * **
When Caitlyn and I finally ventured back inside - after it felt like I had cried all of my tears - everyone was just quietly chatting to one another. Silence fell across the room when people realised we were back. My shoes squeaked loudly as I walked back to my seat in the front row. For once I really didn’t care at all if everyone was staring at me, I didn’t care about anything. I felt like I had just given up.
“I’d like to say something.” I told the priest whose face melted into utter shock. He rearranged his expression rather quickly though.
“Are you sure?” Caitlyn whispered to me, wiping a way a tear that had lingered on her face.
“Positive. I need to say goodbye.” I said feeling rather strong. Caitlyn nodded and let go of my clammy hand and sat down. I walked woodenly up to the stand. The room was dead silent as everyone waited patiently for what I would have to say.
“You don’t have to speak,” the priest told me when I was close enough. His brown eyes were gentle and understanding.
“You’re wrong,” I said gently. “I do have to.”
I turned and looked out at the sea full of expecting faces. I recognized a few people from school - their eyes were still swimming with tears. A few of Tyler’s ex-girlfriends were there crying on each others shoulders. In the back of the room hiding away in the corner were Tyler’s best mates. They all had on sunglasses but that didn’t hide the fact that I could see tears streaking their faces. Every one of them all looked at me expectantly. I turned my head from them so they weren’t the focus of my attention and looked at the remembrance picture of Tyler. I could remember the way he used to smell - the way he used to remind me of home and safety. I remember he used to look at me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. I remember his laugh, his smile and his patronizing smirk. I loved everything about him right down to his mole on his left foot. That wouldn’t change just because he wasn’t here physically anymore. Half of the people in this room would soon forget. Maybe not in a couple of weeks or maybe not even years from now, but eventually they would. His best friends would grow up and have new experiences and soon Tyler would just be a shadow in the distance. His ex-girlfriends would get new boyfriends and be too overwhelmed by lust to worry about him anymore. Sure he might cross their minds every once in awhile and they might feel the sadness of a passing wound, but he would be forgotten enough for them not to hurt any longer. Apart from the people that truly and deeply loved him. They would always remember, no matter how much time passes or how many huge and exciting experiences they would encounter without him.
“I will remember.” I promised and walked up to Tyler’s photo and sealed that promise with a kiss.
:D




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Hi! Pink here :)


“I’m sorry too.” I said between gasps.

Comma after too, not period. Remember if you use 'I said' you need a comma. They need to be connected. I'm not really good at explaining that but hopefully you understand what I'm getting at.
"I'm sorry too," I gasped.
"No, just leave." He turned around and left out the door while muttering to himself, "So ungrateful."

And then the light flicked away and took my soul mate with it.

Aww, so sad! I got chills reading the accident part too :(

So, overall I did love the next installment of this. I can honestly say you improved greatly from the last chapter. Most of your commas and punctuations were correct, so yay! I felt bad for the MC and for Tyler and I could feel their connection. Now, one thing I did notice was that you use words like 'grinned', 'smiled' and etc. Try to use more body language as well, they're sometimes even more powerful than just saying his grinned or he smiled.
"The corners of his lips curved into a mischievous smile"
See? Well, that's about all, keep writing!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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This is really good. It's so sad, even more so than the first part in my opinion, and I had a realy clear image in my head.

“Lidia,” Caitlyn cried my name and wiped her nose not so lady-likely on her sleeve.Try putting this differently. It doesn't sound quite right. maybe 'Caitlin cried my name, wiping her nose on her sleeve in a not very lady-like manner' “My brother loved you. He loved you more than anything in the world, so much he would have killed for you. You two were the cutest couple, absolute soul mates. I loved you like a sister the first time we met and I knew you would be a great welcome to the familyNot sure about this. Maybe try 'I knew you would be a great addition to the family' It makes more sense.. You pulled Tyler out of his black hole and out of the misery my parent’s death had left him in. You were truly 'Truly were'?his life safer. I’m sorry he was taken from you. I’m sorry you had to witness it 'Witness that'and feel it too.” By the end of her heart-felt speech we were both a blubbering mess. I didn’t care at all what people saw and did not see. I cried great big heaving sobs and wiped my own nose on my sleeve.
“I’m sorry,” Caitlyn whispered and stumbled her way towards me. I stood up just in time for her body to make impact with mine. We stood in each others arms while we cried all of our pain together.
“I’m sorry too.” like PinkShearwater said, this needs to be a comma.I said between gasps.
And just like that my thoughts exploded in my mind. The scene that I never wanted to repeat again came tumbling in like an avalanche.

“No! I’ll drive.” Maybe get rid of the exclamation mark. It makes him sound too urgent and, as I already knew this was the scene in which he would die, I thought the emergency was already hapening. It wasa bit confusing.Tyler lunged at me. He grabbed my keys in one sweep and sprinted across the car park of the mall and straight to the driver’s side of the car. I sighed and followed him while trying to avoid the huge pot holes which had been filled with water from the rain. So really Get rid of the 'So really'. It doesn't sound good. Just say ''They were like miny swimming pools.'they were like mini swimming pools.
“I am perfectly capable of driving myself, you know.” I pouted when I finally made it into the warmth of the car. Tyler already had his music blaring from my stereo so I had to raise my voice to be heard over the thunderous noise.
“I know you are.” Tyler grinned and the car started to life with a growl.
“Then why won’t you let me drive?” I sulked and stared out the window and watched as we came out of the closed in area and onto the open road of the highway.
“Because,” his voice was utterly sweet and caring, “You look tired, you can sleep while I take care of everything.”
“I live, like, five minutes away.” I sighed, “and you basically said I look horrible.”
“Did not. You couldn’t look horrible even if you tried.” he grinned and took my hand in his. I melted into his touch and couldn’t keep up the act of being mad at him.I like this bit. It's really romantic. He slowed down at a red light and then turned to stare at me. The red of the traffic light fell onto his face and made the blue of his eyes disappear some - which I didn’t like.
No sure about this. It kind of ruins the romance of the moment. Describe how gorgeous his face looked, rather than how freaky it looked in the weird light, as this will give the reader an idea of how Lydia felt for Tyler, and give his death more impact.“I love you.” he smirked and gave me his lopsided grin. My heart fluttered and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. But I rolled my eyes and tried to act like I didn’t care either way.
“Don’t go all lovey-dovey on me. We’ve only stopped at an intersection.”
He shrugged, smirking at me, and then looked back just as the light changed to green. We had almost made it across the short piece of road. I could see my house at the end of the street.Comma not full stop All lit up like a Christmas tree, inviting us in for warmth and hot chocolates. I could already taste the sweet deliciousness of my mums home made milos Try saying 'and' instead of a this full stop, you have quite a lot of short sentences in here already. By the way, what are Milos? I presume they're some kind of hot chocolate thing. I don't know where you're from but I've never heard of these in England. .I licked my lips in anticipation. There was a screech and a light so bright it hurt my eyes. My head flicked towards Tyler. His eyes were wide and full of fear as the light got brighter and brighter and took away the rest of my vision. Something hit the side of the car with a huge thud. We were sent spiralling around and around in circles. I had lost all sense of which way was up and down, left or right. A darkness was overpowering the light but I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave Tyler. He wasn’t there with me I could tell. 'Even though I could tell he wasn't with me' Just a thought.I knew he was dead because it felt like half of me had died too. But there was still a smidgen of hope that I couldn’t suppress. 'A flicker of hope' sounds better. More poetic.
“Tyler.” I whispered, “I love you.”
And then the light flicked away and took my soul mate with it.


Standing straight was a mission when you were sobbing as hysterically as I was. The priest escorted Caitlyn and I out of the church, leaving a few stunned and sympathetic faces left behind.
“We can wait.” The priest told us in his calm voice and then turned to go back inside. I sat down on the ground and pulled my legs up to my chest. Caitlyn’s arms fell around my shoulders and I could feel her body shaking in synchronization with mine.
“It should have been me.” I gasped and held my stomach to try and keep myself from falling apart. Caitlyn lent back with a look of shock on her face. She had the same blue eyes as Tyler which made me have another attack of sobbing.
“Don’t say that,” she cried.
“It’s true though. I should have driven that night not Tyler.” I couldn’t get rid of the overwhelming guilt the threatened to crush me.
“So Tyler could be sitting here having this conversation?” she asked, “That’s not what he would want. He would have rather his life been taken than risk hurting yours.”
“But I am hurting.” I said letting all the pain and heart break enter my voice.
“I know you are.” Caitlyn spoke around a sob, “So am I.”
I nodded because I couldn’t talk. She pulled me back into her arms and we sat there sobbing together - for hours it seemed - but itcouldn’t behave been more than just a few minutes.

** * **
When Caitlyn and I finally ventured back inside - after it felt like I had cried all of my tears 'Cried myself dry' maybe. Sounds more poetic again- everyone was just quietly chatting to one another. Silence fell across the room when people realised we were back. My shoes squeaked loudly as I walked back to my seat in the front row. For once I really didn’t care at all if everyone was staring at me, I didn’t care about anything. I felt like I had just given up.
“I’d like to say something.” I told the priest whose face melted into utter shock. He rearranged his expression rather quickly though.
Good imagery“Are you sure?” Caitlyn whispered to me, wiping a way a tear that had lingered on her face.
“Positive. I need to say goodbye.” I said feeling rather strong. Caitlyn nodded and let go of my clammy hand and sat down. I walked woodenly up to the stand. The room was dead silent as everyone waited patiently for what I would have to say.
“You don’t have to speak,” the priest told me when I was close enough. His brown eyes were gentle and understanding.
“You’re wrong,” I said gently. “I do have to.”
this is nice. It's emotional.I turned and looked out at the sea full of expecting faces. I recognized a few people from school - their eyes were still swimming with tears. A few of Tyler’s ex-girlfriends were there crying on each others shoulders. In the back of the room hiding away in the corner were Tyler’s best mates. They all had on sunglasses but that didn’t hide the fact that I could see tears streaking their faces. Every one of them all looked at me expectantly. I turned my head from them so they weren’t the focus of my attention and looked at the remembrance picture of Tyler. I could remember the way he used to smell - the way he used to remind me of home and safety. I remember he used to look at me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. I remember his laugh, his smile and his patronizing smirk. I loved everything about him right down to his 'the mole on his left foot' might work better. This sounds kind of awkward at the moment with the two 'his'esmole on his left foot. That wouldn’t change just because he wasn’t here physically anymore. Half of the people in this room would soon forget. Maybe not in a couple of weeks or maybe not even years from now, but eventually they would. His best friends would grow up and have new experiences and soon Tyler would just be a shadow in the distanceGreat description.. His ex-girlfriends would get new boyfriends and be too overwhelmed by lust to worry about him anymore.also very good Surecomma he might cross their minds every once in awhile and they might feel the sadness of a passing woundThis is a really nice metaphore. I'm not sure it completely makes sense, but it sounds really good., but he would be forgotten enough for them not to hurt any longer. Apart from the people that truly and deeply loved him. They would always remember, no matter how much time passes or how many huge and exciting experiences they would encounter without him.
“I will remember.” I promised and walked up to Tyler’s photo and sealed that promise with a kiss.WOW. Just wow. I love this ending. Don't change a thing about it. It's really sweet and sad. I was expecting her to make some huge speech that said basically exactly the same thing as Caitlyn did, but she didn't. "I will remember." Those three words say so much more than a speech ever could.[/quote]

Sorry. Really. I feel guilty now, because I said it wasreally good and then completely tore it apart. I still love it. Feel free to completely ignore my advice and to do the same to my work. Hope this is useful. Sorry it's so long.
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

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Hi, Born!

I liked this piece very much; more, I think, than the first part because I now have some back story. Lidia is fleshed out, and her character is easier to identify with. I like that you added the sister in some more, and that the brother gets screen time.

I guess my suggestion for this piece is to make the brother's character a bit more complicated. He can't have been perfect all the time, right? Maybe he was grumpy in the morning, or had a weakness for listening to Taylor Swift. Maybe he hadn't always been a great substitute parent, or hogged the bathroom as he sang along to the radio. When the characters reveal their relationship with him, perhaps some details about his personality could be added. I think that might make him more important to the readers. ;)

Overall, great piece. I love how you worked with more character development and with emotion.

Keep writing!

--Glim
"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."
~Winnie the Pooh



There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou