The Dead Day (PART 2)

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 11804
Reviews 132
Hey everyone! I know it's been quite awhile since I've brought you another edition to The Day Trilogy. This is the second part which has been gathering dust in my virtual file on my laptop. I do hope you enjoy this. I know I didn't but that's basically the reason why I'm submitting it. For help and ideas. Please review with thoughts, comments, suggestion etc. Love it, loath it, live it, burn it.



THE DEAD DAY

I like the sun. It comes with it its warm, loving arms like its powerful yet healing rays. I really like the sun. It is the defender of the day; the energy of the world, the light to darkness. I am in my bed right now, watching its beauty light up my world. As I stare out my bedroom window, I see the brightly coloured leaves fall from there perch in the trees as the gentle autumn winds begin to blow. As they fall, my room is illuminated with a blinding yet comforting light; the light is so bright, that it makes me see all the colours of the rainbow as they stream into my room. While I try to seek refuge from the blinding light, I notice two tall beings standing outside; they seem to be the source of the light. At first glance I thought them to be It, so I grabbed the nearest object and hurl it right at the window-it ricochets of the glass and lands at my feet. The window opens by its own accord and the two beings stream in. As I stare at them with my hands over my eyes, I realize that the light is beginning to fade. I move my hands away from my face and set my eyes upon the beings’ eyes. They are so different to It’s eyes. Pure gold! I can hear their voices whispering in my head. I’m all confused.

Hello, we are the Day. We have travelled from the depths of the universe searching for the one who fought the Night.
Their voices seem to have a calming affect. I answer back through my thoughts, ‘What do you mean “the one who fought the Night”?’
More than a year ago, when the sun was sound asleep, the Night crept out and took you to its world. There, you fought him with nothing but a harmless torch, and with it, you banished him from his own land. But, in doing so, you have released it upon YOURS! He has been searching for the one who defeated him, seeking revenge and will stop at nothing to banish him from his world.
‘What must I do to protect myself?’ the boy asked with curiosity.
Let us tell you a tale; a tale that has lasted for as long as the universe…When time had begun and everything was coming full circle, both Night and Day were in harmony. But soon planets had begun to form and the battle of Day and Night had begun. We built suns and they built nothing-the perfect weapons. Soon all light had drowned out the darkness, but we couldn’t destroy Night. It feed on the fear of others and on that fear it has thrived. However, the Night is beginning to grow powerful. The Night is striking against us. The days of the Night have begun. Just look outside, the sun is beginning to sink earlier and earlier. One day, there will be either no Night or no Day. We, the Day, are preparing for war. There is nothing you can do but, we will protect you, great warrior.
Once they had finished their tale, they disappeared. I was frightened so I ran. I ran so far I went to the only place I felt to be safe-my park. There I sat in the shade of an old oak. I felt very cold and alone. I stared up at the few leaves that remained on the branches and I saw two red, piercing eyes staring at me. It had found me.

After so many long days and nights, I had finally found the boy! I reached down with my long, skeleton-like fingers. He was paralyzed with fear. I could see the whites of his eyes now. So close now…that LIGHT! THAT BURNING LIGHT! I have felt that before! THEY are here!

I felt that I was in a trance. Everything was blurred. All I could see was the distinct darkness of It and the brightness of Them. They fought with all their might; the Night with his claws and the Day with their swords of light. I could see It’s eyes burning like I’ve never seen before. It gave me a sharp pain in my own eyes. They then charged at each other and with a loud bang, they were gone. I sat there with a bewildered expression on my face. The sun began to sink below the surface of the horizon. There I sat and waited for Them to come back, but none did return.

I was on the way back home; all that went through my head was the events that occurred today. I new I had to do something. As I was walking down the street I heard something I had never heard before-silence. Total and utter silence. The sun had nearly set to end this day and all I could hear was the sound of my own breath. I looked down the street and there, standing before me, wielding a sword of light, was It.
"As I lay down on my bed, I look up at the sky, the stars and the moon, and I think to myself: Where the hell is the ceiling?" Unknown

"The fun is in the chase, never in the capture" Agatha Christie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Hello there :)

Interesting story you have here. I'll first outline the problem areas.
I love the first paragraph, you describe things well and you have great use o imagery. The only problem I had with ot is that towards the end, you seemed to be repeating the same feeling about the sun.

Hello, we are the Day. We have travelled from the depths of the universe searching for the one who fought the Night.
I really do not get why you don't quote this, all through out the story you did not quote the voices.

I think that you have great writing skills and a lot of potential, just try not to dwell on the same topic or idea too long because it becomes annoying and boring after a while. Make what you write about precise and move on.

Otherwise, this is a great plot you have here, you should most definitely continue this.

Good job
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15394
Reviews 1464
Hey Coter, June here,

I like the sun. It comes with it its warm, loving arms like its powerful yet healing rays. I really like the sun. It is the defender of the day; the energy of the world, the light to darkness. I am in my bed right now, watching its beauty light up my world. As I stare out my bedroom window, I see the brightly coloured leaves fall from there perch in the trees as the gentle autumn winds begin to blow. As they fall, my room is illuminated with a blinding yet comforting light; the light is so bright, that it makes me see all the colours of the rainbow as they stream into my room. While I try to seek refuge from the blinding light, I notice two tall beings standing outside; they seem to be the source of the light.


When I started reading this, I liked it. However, I feel that you went on too long about the sun and that was overkill in lots of ways. I think you should stop before you tell us that the narrator is in his bed -- because that's kind of a boring detail which leads us to more fluff about the sun. ;)

In my opinion, you drone a bit about the details. I think that once you establish a detail and the characteristics of such that you don't have to repeat it or keep talking about it, or if you do, use synonyms. Reading this story gave me a lot of words like sun, being, light, and they all got boring fast.

I also think that you need to pace this better. In the places of this story where it should be moderately fast to fast, you go slow with a lot of description, lingering on the parts that don't need time. And on the story parts where we want to have more detail, you skim through it too quickly, and I don't like it.

Also, I don't like the usage of caps in a story -- most of the time caps are designated to show a title, or in some cases, to exclaim, but I think an exclamation point does that well.

The ending felt anti climatic. I thought it would be more to it, but I got the feeling of a dog whose hunting days are over -- as in, this story is missing something that makes it complete, and makes it what it is. I think it's the description of action, or what would make this come alive.

Read aloud, revise; repeat. ;)

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



“I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you.”
— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince