Falling Slowly

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Other
Points 32184
Reviews 153
(For Kyll's contest. Plot? What plot?)

---

Alan used to do this weird thing with turtles, where he’d scoop them up from the pond, his fingers cupped around the tiny shells and water streaming down in the spaces between his fingers. He’d take them up the hill, into the house and up the stairs to the terrace, and raise his hands towards the sky, the evening sun threading its lazy fingers through his hair and painting the yellow and green shells in shades of red and orange.

What are you doing, Chris used to ask, and he’d startle and turn his head, like a child caught somewhere he shouldn’t have been. He’d go quiet, and gently set the turtle down on the parapet. I’m showing them the sky.

Oh, Chris said then. Oh, she said, and did not understand. They’d sit there and watch the turtle walk on the thin band between ground and sky, and when night came Alan would sigh and flee back to his room, eyes lowered and feet silent.

Chris would shake her head. I wish you’d talk to me, she’d call to him, and then sigh and take the turtle away from the edge and into her hand, down the stairs and back to the pond.

Turtles don’t have wings, she murmured one night, to the leaves that rustle in the dark and to the turtle that raised its little head to her.

I wish he’d listen, she said, and the next day she watched through the windows as he stood under pouring rain, head tilted back, hands empty and hanging at his side.

I wish she’d stop staring, he thought as the water streamed over his face.

Alan always wants too much, and Alan always wants the impossible.

I want to be a turtle, he thought on that cold, rainy spring morning, and on that night there was no one on the balcony and two voices skimming over the trembling waters; three, if one counted the rain.

Alan did.

*

I cheated on my husband, Chris declares distractedly one day as she strolls into the house, backpack slung over one shoulder and hands tucked in her pockets. Again. Mind if I crash for a day or two?

Of course not. Alan doesn’t ask. He knows how she is when she gets that look on her face, the one that’s so blank that it must be a mask, too perfect and whole to be anything real. But maybe that’s the cynicism talking. Alan doesn’t really believe in purity and perfection.

Sometimes he wishes he did.

So he says nothing, just goes back to his hopeless attempts at cooking, and is only too glad to leave it to Chris when she grows tired of watching him fumble and takes over the kitchen.

He winces a bit at the way she decapitates the tomatoes, but holds his tongue.

He’s an idiot, Chris finally says.

The husband?

Yeah. Well, okay, the other was a flake too. Handsome, but a flake.

Alan says, Okay. He’s leaning back against the counter, looking at her like he doesn’t know how to handle this.

Chris talks first, like she often does. It’s a bit of everything and a lot of nothing. She says she’s bored, she says all the guys in her life are idiots, present company notwithstanding, that she can’t stand her husband’s weird habits, the way he can write with both hands at the same time (what’s this got to do with anything, Alan wonders, but does not say), the way she’s tired of the rain but doesn’t want there be sun or how the neighbor’s dog’s been barking all night.

When she trails off the food’s ready and her voice’s shaky, but there’s no tears here. Alan’s kind of glad, because tears make him real uncomfortable, and Chris’ glad because she’s always hated crying.

That night there are clouds spread across the stars. From the terrace there’s nothing to be seen but blue, spinning dark and heavy into the horizon. Chris watches the sky, and wonders where the turtles have gone.

*


Chris, she’s got hands like sunshine and a voice like a storm at night. Alan thinks this, in the quiet moments that creep on him at three thirty in the morning when she’s asleep and he’s just waiting for something, anything, to happen.

Alan doesn’t speak much, Chris thinks, or rather, he doesn’t say much. She bumps against him now, hair still wet from her shower, and peers over his shoulder to look at what he’s doing.

What’re you doing, she asks, and he shrugs. Nothing. Doodling.

Alan does that a lot; says he’s not doing anything important, when really Chris would give the world just to be able to do half as much as he does. He says she’s weird when she tells him that, and goes back to drawing crazy animals on the margins of his notebooks. It’s nothing, he says, because no one but her ever gets to see them.

What about me, she asks, and smiles. Don’t I count?

He shakes his head, no. It’s not the same, he says. With you it’s different.

That’s kind of sweet, she thinks, and tells him so. He scowls at her, then returns to his scribbling. I take it back, Chris laughs, and leans her head against his shoulder. If this is nothing, she says as she runs a finger over a bird’s open wing, a wolf’s dark muzzle, a tortoise’s shell, and smudges the messy shading, then what’s something?

I’m not good enough. But you—you can sing, he tells her, like that’s got anything to do with what she’s talking about. She laughs again, shakes her head and sends water droplets flying all over his face. A few land on the horse he’s sketching, and they sink through the paper, dapple the pencil-gray of its coat, the crisscross of its lines.

He tenses up against her when she wraps her arm around his shoulders, and she relents. Sometimes it’s better just to leave him alone, and Chris knows not to push too far.

I’m going for a run, she tells him, and he nods, suddenly fascinated by the new ripples on the paper. Okay, he says. Okay.

*


Outside the old, cracked pavement shimmers from the heat and the parked cars glare bright and painful to her eyes. Alan hates this kind of weather, but Chris only breathes in the smell of burned rubber and dry leaves. With her eyes closed it feels like there’s nothing but the sun on her face and the beat of her pulse in her ears, and when she starts running the sound of her feet on concrete is a song that holds all of the world together; a song she keeps for herself and holds close, because it is always a promise of more.

And because Chris never lets go of anything, not even dreams, when the ground steals away from under her feet she doesn’t slow down; for a moment she is suspended in mid-air, her heart in her throat and her eyes full of sky.

Then she is falling, the ground rising to meet her; as she rolls down the hill she laughs, through the hair in her face and the scrapes on her shins, and only waves at all the people who stop and stare.

There’s nothing she needs to worry about right now, nothing but the play of tendons and ligaments and blood like clockwork, like well-oiled machinery.

Turtles can’t fly, she thinks, but I can.

*


Alan’s kind of afraid of the sky. He’s a bit in love with it too, which doesn’t help.

Chris know about this, or at least about this second reason. You’re an idiot, she tells him on that day she finds him with water running through his fingers and with grief tumbling down from his mouth. Not a word, not a whisper, but Alan’s never been a good actor. Chris thinks that Alan in love is a dangerous, dangerous thing indeed, and mostly she wants to keep him safe and she also kind of wants to keep him for herself.

I’m back, she calls out as she kicks the door open. You better still be here, Alan.

There’s a shuffling sound, bleary eyes peeking out from the corner. Where else would I be?

Dunno. You have this bad habit of disappearing on me.

He snarls, and she smiles, because he’s adorable like this, annoyed and sleepy and all. Do not. And did you really have to destroy the door?

She grins. Yeah, I did.

Alan’s kind of afraid of the sky, and he’s a bit afraid for Chris. She belongs there, he thinks—in the sky.

She can sing.

*


That night the skies are clear and the wind twirls at her ankles like the water used to.

Looking at the sky again, huh, Alan asks, and Chris says Yeah.

Yeah, looking at the sky. C’mere. Stay with me.

He lingers in the doorway, a silhouette cut out of shadows and rain. Chris’ standing on the parapet, her arms spread and her eyes wide.

You don’t have wings, he says, quietly.

Neither did your turtles, and yet—

You’re no turtle, he says.

Neither are you.

----
Spoiler
Insert is Alan. Obviously, Chris is the opposite.
Last edited by Jagged on Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:40 am, edited 3 times in total.
Lumi: they stand no chance against the JAG SAFETY BLANKET




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 2232
Reviews 40
I have to say this is very well-written! I enjoyed it. I think my only gripe is that you didn't use quotation marks around dialogue. I realize that may be a stylistic choice, but you have to learn the rules before you're allowed to break them, am I right? :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8168
Reviews 111
I actually liked the lack of speech marks. I thought it worked well, because the characters didn't say much to each other and the story seemed to be more about what they didn't say to each other. It gave it a distant kind of feel. Sorry I can't think of any criticism, but, um, I loved it, and the characters were really well drawn, and the thing with the turtles was sweet, in a odd, quirky kind of way.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7061
Reviews 277
Yo Jagg

So, we already discussed the fact that I find the story way too unfocused for my liking. First and foremost develop drive. Let's see what we can add to that, to formulate a proper review.

To start with, the flow of the piece is very nice. Your sentence structure is appropriately varied and you create a beautiful picture of emotion.

Oh yeah, just a quick point, the verb "startle" means is causative. If someone startles, they frighten someone else, they don't get startled.

Also not getting the point of the turtles here. Surely bunny rabbits work too. A bit more hints perhaps? The whole piece reads like a metaphor, but one so inaccessible that I don't even feel like trying to understand it. I just see some characters here who are really weird, and that's all that kept me reading. I'd like to find a little more to the story. Substance is something that would really make your story a whole lot better for me.

I'd also advise a little more dynamic to the story. You want to ensure that it moves forward. It needs to progress. Word tricks can only take you so far. If you want to see us truly connect with your beautiful character sketches you need to show them evolve as people. I see far too much stasis in your story, and would like to see it flow more.

You're an awesome writer and I don't think I can provide much more in a review than this. Hope it helped.
Have a great one!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Jag, Steeeeeeeeella here!

I. NITPICKS

They’d sit there and watch the turtle walk on the thin band between ground and sky,


So... He did this all more than once? And everytime they did exactly the same thing and have exactly the same conversation and the turtle never fell off the parapet or made a bid for escape? Just something to think about concerning phrasing.

Turtles don’t have wings, she murmured one night,


Nobody said they did have wings.

Alan always wants too much, and Alan always wants the impossible.


In general, you're switching tense an awful lot. Choose one and stick to it.

and on that night there was no one on the balcony


that night, rather than on that night?

Alright.

II. DEVELOPMENT

This is a pretty piece and you've got some nice imagery, but I know that it was a characterisation contest and so the characters are, of course, the most important bit. This is largely character-driven- it has to be due to your lack of plot- but at the same time, to me, they seemed very sparsely drawn- I tend to call characters like this pencil lines. You know where you're going, you just haven't gotten there yet. Firstly- Alan is your self-insert, so he should appear much more real than he actually does. He's a little iffy, a little I-don't-know-who-the-heck-this-is. Whereas Chris seems much more assertively created, but at the same time it's unclear where you're going with her. You say she doesn't dream yet she lets herself go rolling down the hill. Which is probably deliberate.

The point is that your writing is pretty, but I'm not getting any much else from them. They're very vaguely drawn, and I'd love to see them looking sharper.

III. OVERALL

Pretty good, but could use some work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 62375
Reviews 315
Hi Jagged -

Been meaning to review this for a time, as you know. Actually, I hardly think it needs a review, since it is so beautifully written. There is little clumsiness here, little awkwardness. Of course, the focus on characterisation meant that perhaps you were not as able to drive the plot; I find it only easy to do one at a time and do it properly, myself, so that's excusable, I guess, for me. Although it would be nice to see something a little more mobile in this than just the characterisation. Regardless, it's in my favourites, since I'd read it any day.

Although I say I'd like some more action here, I am actually rather attached to the character exploration. I like the poise, the stillness of this. In many ways, the style is a great giveaway of who the insert is - Alan, slow, earth-bound, rooted. I appreciate that use of style to mimic something siginificant about the piece. The piece is lazy. It's likeably lazy - something for a hot summer afternoon. In all honesty, I am utterly amazed that someone for whom English is not their first language can write so well in it. That's a credit to all the extra reading you must do.

That said (and I know the contest is over, but bear with me), Chris and Alan seemed bizarrely similar. I saw their differences from Alan's perpective, but they sort of could have melded into each other were it not for your deliberate attempts to draw distinctions. In a way, that's not so bad, since they as humans, we all have things in common and differences. But for a 'polar opposites' exercise, they seemed rather close. I'm not sure if increasing the familiarity and intimacy here is the way to go for differentiating them, or it you need to distance one and bring the other closer.

However, I do like it as it is. I just want to know the characters more. In fact, I'd love if ou developed this sometime in the future to a larger piece, perhaps something where a definitive plot emerges to give it some kind of turning point or more intense conflict. I like its softness - but that leaves something to be desired as well.

Thanks for the read.


Navi



As the notifications drift in I stop and wonder. Why do they take so long? Do they have adventures we don't know about? I bet they do. When they come I will ask myself. What amazing adventure has this straggling notification been on? How far did it travel, and why didn't it take me?
— TypoWithoutCoffee