Betrayal

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The man groaned in agony as he tugged on the chains that held him. He should be close to breaking by now, if what my informants tell me is correct. If not, I’ll just have to shatter his mind myself. I giggled in spite of myself. What fun.
“He’s still not talking, Ms. Claremont.” One of my men informed me as I approached him. “We did as much as we could. That’s why we called you.”
“Then you should have tried harder.” I snapped at them. “Did you try everything? Absolutely everything?”
A dead silence filled the room. My eyes narrowed. “I thought not. Now whose idea was this, hmm?” I asked, looking into each of their eyes as I passed them by. “Who decided it was a good idea to stop their work and call it a day?”
“It wasn’t right!” a man called out. “The pain we put that man through…it was inhumane!”
I looked him directly in the eye. “Adam, is it?” He nodded vigorously.
“Hmm…you really should pay more attention to your surroundings in the future.”
He looked at me in confusion. That’s when he noticed my knife sticking out of his chest. A look of horror passed across his face as he collapsed to the ground.
“Anyone else want to question what we’re doing here?” I demanded. There was dead silence once again. “Good.” I walked over to Adam’s body lying on the floor. “Burn him. “ I commanded. “And scatter the ashes. I don’t want any evidence that he ever existed.”
“Yes, Ms. Claremont.”
They left me alone with the prisoner. I smiled to myself. Let the fun begin.
“You just don’t wanna break, do you?” I said casually, approaching him.
“I was a marine.” He panted. “I’ve been trained well.”
“Clearly.”
“What do you want.” He demanded.
I rolled my eyes in annoyance. “That’s what they all say. ‘What do you want? Why are you doing this…but you know as well as I do what I want.”
He laughed. “Do I? Enlighten me.”
I smiled at him. “Well, first of all you trespassed on our territory; I should be the one asking you what you want.”
“Our territory? Exactly who am I dealing with here?”
“You broke into our facility without knowing who you’re dealing with?” I asked with a shock. “That was a bad move on your part…a very bad move.”
“I had to take my chances.” He snarled at me. “I had to get even with you and your company or whatever this place is. Your people murdered my brother.”
“Oh, so now you’re talking.” I mused. “Why now?”
“I wasn’t gonna say it to a bunch of thugs. I had to say it to the one responsible.”
“How do you know I was the one who killed your brother? It could have been a number of people in this facility.”
“It was a gut feeling.”
“Hmm…what was his name?”
“Eric Mercer.” He said the pain clear in his voice.
I smiled in ecstasy at the memory of his death. I remembered him all right…right down to the killing blow. I giggled at the recollection. Oh, how I love my job.
“What’s so funny?” he demanded.
“I remember Eric.” I said slowly. “He was so easy to break… all pathetic and scrawny looking. Not at all like you.” I told him, my hand running over his bare, muscular chest. “Oh, how he cried. He bawled. He was so deplorable at the end. He wanted death. He begged for it.”
“SHUT UP!” he howled, struggling at the chains at a sad attempt to throttle me.
I laughed at him. “I like you. I may let you live a little longer.”
“You’re insane.” He breathed.
“I know.”
I sighed in frustration. I was growing bored. Now, for the fun part.
I always kept my tools for my work close by. Let’s see how long he lasted under my contraptions. My men were always too easy on our victims. I wasn’t as generous.
“What are you doing?” He asked. His confidence seemed to have shattered.
“What I was sent down here to do.”
He paled. “I already told you everything!” He said in a panic. “There’s nothing more to tell! You don’t have to do this!”
“Oh, I don’t think you have.” I said approaching him, holding the hot branding iron in front of me. His eyes widened in fear.
“Besides,” I continued. “I was called down here to torture you….only, not to?” I frowned. “What’s the fun in that?”
I slammed the branding iron into his chest.
His screams seemed to ricochet off the walls. A sense of euphoria filled me as he wailed. The sound of a human-being screeching was music to my ears.
***
About three hours passed before I was interrupted. It was hard to tell. I lost track of time while I was working.
“That’s quite enough, Sis.” A familiar voice stated flatly. “He’s no good to us dead.”
I ignored his comment. “Come to join in the fun, Alec?” I asked innocently, as I got back to work. I ignored his screams this time.
Alec sighed. “He’s not a toy, Elena.”
“What’s your name?” I asked the man, brushing off Alec again.
“Why?” he panted, tears streaming down his face.
“I like to know my victims’ names before I kill them.”
“Which you won’t! Not if I have any say about it!” Alec interjected angrily.
“Dean.” He whispered.
“Did you not hear what I said before?” Alec yelled. “He’s not a toy, Elena.”
I brushed Dean’s sweat-slicked hair back from his face. “Of course he is. He’s my toy. He has been ever since I got the call.”
Alec sighed in frustration as he came and stood next to me. He spoke to Dean then. “I apologize for any inconvenience.” He started. “My sister tends to get…” he struggled for the word. “…carried away with her work.”
I glared at him.
“She’s a psychopath.” Dean stated.
Alec grimaced. “Yes, well…we take what we can get.”
“You know what I want.” Dean said. “But you’re obviously not gonna let me get my revenge.”
“That’s why Elena’s here. To make sure you don’t escape and carry it out.”
“Are you at least gonna tell me why you killed my brother?”
Alec thought for a moment. “No.” he proceeded to walk out the door. “Watch him.” he ordered me.
“Of course.” I replied. The door slammed behind Alec.
“You always do everything your brother says? What is he like your boss?”
I scowled at him. “We work together.” I corrected him. “I’m doing him a favor.”
“Really? Who’s controlling who, here? You…or him?”
That’s when I lunged at his throat.
“How dare you?” I sneered, my hand clasped tight around his throat. “I run this company. Me! Do you honestly think I would let my pathetic little brother control me? Do you think anyone can?”
“No.” he choked out. He found his voice once I released him.
“You gonna torture me again?” He asked.
“Mmmm-hmmm.”
***
“Time really does fly by when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?” I asked him hours later.
He was panting, sweat dripping down his face. He didn’t say a word.
I smiled at him. “You know, I’ve never had a toy quite like you. No one’s ever talked back before.”
“I guess that’s what makes me special.” He said sarcastically.
“It sure does.” I said with a grin. I trailed my hand across his cheek and pulled him into a forced kiss. “Mmmmm.” I murmured. “We’re gonna have so much fun together, Dean.”
“What happened to you?” he asked me.
I looked at him curiously. “What are you talking about?”
“There’s gotta be someone who made you this way,” he said. “This monster that you are. People aren’t just born that way.”
I sniffed. “I’m a psychopath, Dean, not a sociopath like you claim. I was born this way, and nothing you or anyone does or says is ever gonna change that.”
“I don’t believe that.” He whispered.
“Believe what you will.” I said. My phone vibrated loudly at that moment. I sighed in annoyance.
“What?” I barked at the voice at the other end of the line.
“How’s the prisoner?” Alec asked.
“Still alive, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Good. Is he ready?”
“Hardly. He’s got a long way to go before he breaks if ever.”
Alec sighed. “Figures. Are you done for today? Would you mind coming up to my office?”
“I was just about to head up. I need to talk to you anyway.” I stated, as I flipped my phone shut.
Dean opened his mouth as if to say something, but I cut him off.
“Did you think I was gonna leave you by yourself?” I said mockingly. “GUARDS!”
A multitude of my men came rushing in. “Make sure he doesn’t move a muscle.” I ordered. “If he does…well, you know what to do.”
They all nodded in agreement.
***
“You really need to be careful where you hide your belongings,” I said casually as I pointed the barrel of Alec’s pistol at the back of his head. “Anyone could find this and use it against you.”
“Like you?” he asked in a cold voice.
“Exactly.” I unlocked the hatch of the gun, still holding it at the back of his head.
“Elena?” he asked nervously.
“Dean seems to think that you’re using me to your own ends.” I said in a cold voice. “Now why do you think that is?”
Alec didn’t breathe a word. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice your men following me around 24/7? Do you think I’m that stupid?” I demanded.
“No, Sis, I…” he stammered.
“You what?” I snarled at him. “Now I don’t think you’re trying to use me to my own ends. I think you’re trying to overthrow me.”
“This company needs a strong, male leader who…” Alec started.
“You chauvinistic pig!” I flared at him. “We both know that I am older and more experienced in this field. It shouldn’t matter that I’m a…”
“…is in complete control of himself.” Alec cut in. “You’re completely psychotic, Elena. We both know that. The men are terrified of you. They should have a leader that they honor and respect, not fear.”
“I beg to differ.” I stated. “Your men are terrified of me. Mine do whatever I want them to, because they’re mine. I broke them personally so they’d never turn against me. All, that is, except for Adam. I should have killed him long before I actually did. He never did break properly. As it is, I may have to kill Dean. I may never be able to mold him into the creature I need him to be.”
Alec nodded understandingly.
I turned to go, but remembered something at the last minute. “Oh, you may need to replace about twenty of your men. I killed some on the way in for getting in my face.”
“Elena…!” he started angrily.
“Don’t think I won’t dispose of you eventually,” I stated. “I don’t take lightly to assassination attempts.”
“I never….”
“Don’t lie to me. Just because you’re my brother doesn’t mean anything. If this happens again, I will kill you.”
“I always noticed the signs.” Alec said suddenly. “Even from when we were really little. The lying, the stealing…” he paused for a minute. “And then there were the neighbors’ pets that would always end up dead…tortured. No one knew who did it, but I knew. I always knew. I can get you help, Elena once I get control of this company. I promise you.”
I glared at him. “I don’t need your help.”
***
I was expecting it when I got ambushed right outside my brother’s office. I grinned as I shot and killed the ones closest to me. I had taken Alec’s gun with me. I saw him leaning against the doorframe to his office, watching as his men charged at me, trying to kill me. I was normally talented at combat, but there were so many of them that I couldn’t keep track of them all. One had me in a headlock, and was trying to squeeze the air out of my lungs.
That’s when I heard a round of gunshots. The man holding me dropped to the ground, having been shot in the leg.
“E-len-a…” my brother gasped. I turned around to see three bullet holes in my brother’s chest. He crumpled to the ground.
I found myself in a sea of dead bodies, looking all around for the gunman. He climbed over the corpses toward me, then. It was Dean, followed closely by all of my men.
“Ms. Claremont,” he said, with a nod of his head.
“You saved me,” I gasped. “Why?”
He shrugged. “It seemed the right thing to do.”
“Your men knew your brother had something planned, so they released me so I could help them.” He continued.
“I-I was gonna kill you.” I stammered. “Soon, ‘because you didn’t break. But…”
“I understand.” He said. “It wasn’t your fault. It’s just…your nature I guess. I forgive you.”
“You what?” I said, astonished.
“My mind may not want to, but my heart does. After all, you didn’t kill my brother. That was just a ruse.”
I grimaced. “You know?”
He nodded. “I don’t think he’ll ever be the same, though. He doesn’t even remember me. He’s as cold and hard as you ever were. He’s a true sociopath, like all your men.” He shook his head. “The funny thing as, as much as they try to put on that emotionless mask, they still care about you. You should learn from them, Elena. They may be your only hope for redemption.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
“I wish you well, Elena, I really do.” He said. “I hope you find yourself someday.”
With that, he simply walked out of the building and left. I didn’t even try to stop him. He really had changed me, and made me contemplate my ways. Maybe there was hope for me.
"Its a brave new world."
-Sylar




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Hey Fantasyfreak14!
Amazing story you have here! It's definitely a unique piece. I really don't have any constructive criticism to say here.
I didn't like Elena at first, but at the end Dean put things in perspective and I actually felt for her. It's difficult for authors to have the readers relate to the villain, especially in Elena's case. I have to admit, I was on Alec's side for most of the story.

Extremely well done!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
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I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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Okay, first review ever so I'm not sure how this is gonna go. Hopefully it's helpful :)

But anyway, I really like this. You came up with an excellent villain - I really hated her, and I suppose that's what you're aiming for, and it was interesting to see the story told from the point of view of the character that the reader is gonna be least symptathetic too. I thought Dean and Alec were interesting too.

If I had one criticism it would be that some events in the story seem a little unrealistic. For example,
“Hmm…you really should pay more attention to your surroundings in the future.”
He looked at me in confusion. That’s when he noticed my knife sticking out of his chest. A look of horror passed across his face as he collapsed to the ground.
- Your main character is pretty badass at this point (which I love), but I imagine that getting stabbed is pretty painful, and I can't see how someone could be stabbed and then not even notice until it's pointed out to them.

You could maybe make it a bit more dramatic in the bit where the people try to capture Elena, because that's one of the most exciting parts of the story, so perhaps you could use some shorter sentences and make it a bit more fast paced?

While I liked the ending, and the fact that you made Elena seem a bit more human, it seems to me that the turnaround from someone who is evil and enjoys torturing people and appears to have no conscience to someone who thinks that there is some hope for them to become a good person happened extremely quickly. I mean, I can see that what Dean did would have a massive impact on her but I think a total change of heart is a bit much and goes against this character you've been building the whole way through.

These are just general musings though and overall I thought it was very well written and had an interesting plot.




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thanks! I kinda had to rush the ending because of timing issues. :/ I submitted this for 4-H. but now that i've already submitted it, i'm sure i'll find some time to make some changes. and i see what you're getting at at the end. she probably wouldn't have had that big of a change of heart. thanks for the input. now i know what things i can work on! :)
"Its a brave new world."
-Sylar



Do. Or do not. There is no try.
— Yoda