I'll Never Understand

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I was sitting on the floor of our living room, playing with my barbies. With Emily sitting on her lap, Momma was reading us a story, the one about the caterpillar that never got full. I was six at the time, my sister was two. It was a late Saturday night and Uncle Rob wasn’t home yet. Uncle Rob was Momma’s boyfriend, but he wasn’t my daddy. I don’t remember my daddy much, Momma says Daddy moved to heaven before Emily was born. I used to ask when he was coming home but all Momma would say is,
“It’s a big girl thing, Jenny. You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Emily was starting to fall asleep, and my eyes were getting heavy. A light poured through the window and Momma stood up. It wasn’t until we heard the roar of the engine that Mamma looked worried. She shoved the book under the couch, the same for my dolls.
“Jenny, take your sister upstairs and stay in your room!”
I grabbed Emily’s hand and dragged her upstairs. The bedroom door closed in unison with the front door slam. Uncle Rob was home. Emily and I hid in the closet, we stayed quieter than silence itself. I heard Uncle Rob yelling and covered my ears, but it didn’t help. His words seeped into my ears, their venom stinging my heart. The sound of several crashes floated through the crack under the door. Then silence, only to be broken with the sound of the front door slamming.
I must of dozed off, Emily’s hand still in mine, but the next morning I awoke in my bed. That afternoon I was helping Momma make soup for dinner. Momma’s eyes watered as she chopped unions, and Emily watched me peel potatoes. Uncle Rob walked into the kitchen and whispered something to Momma before walking out the door.
“Momma.” I said bravely, “Why don’t you tell on Uncle Rob for being so mean all the time?” At six years old it seemed like an innocent question.
“It’s a big girl thing Jenny. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

Thing only got worse after that. It was the first day of the school year, I was nine, Emily five. Emily wasn’t happy about getting up so early, and was making a fuss.
“Momma, how come Jenny got new shoes for school and I didn’t?” She pouted.
“You needed clothes, Emily.” She called from the kitchen, “We’ll get you shoes this weekend.”
“Now hold on Carla. What’s wrong with those sandals she has on? Why should we waste money on something we don’t need?” Uncle Rob asked from his place on the couch.
“But they hurt my toes.” Emily whined. “And they give me blisters!”
“She needs shoes Robby.” Momma said flatly.
“Fine!” Uncle Rob turned to Emily, “But when we’re living under a bridge, eating whatever floats past in the water, at least you’ll have nice shoes.” He said sternly. Emily’s eyes teared up and her lip was quivering. She sank into the chair and started bawling. I knew this couldn’t end well and tried to disappear.
“Stop your crying girl!” Uncle Rob screamed, he got up and stomped over to her. He grabbed both Emily’s arms and shook her vigorously. “I said stop crying.” I knew she couldn’t, though. She was to scared, so did what any five year old would do, cry harder. “Dammit girl, shut your mouth.”
“Momma!” Emily cried out. I didn’t dare to move, I just watched in horror and tried to disappear. Momma rushed from the kitchen into the living room.
“Robby let her go!” Momma pleaded.
“She aint hurt, Carla.” he said, letting loose of Emily. Momma said nothing, she simply glared at him a look scarier than any other. Uncle Rob stormed out the front door, but it wasn’t till we heard the truck drive off that Momma dared to speak. Emily’s sobbing had quieted, but sill wasn’t stopped.
“Emily go upstairs and see if any of Jenny’s old sandals will work for today.” Obediently, Emily got up and went up the stairs, still whimpering. Momma just stood there for a few minutes, staring at the door in deep thought,
“Momma,” I said, letting go of my attempt at invisibility, “why do you let him stay?”
“It’s complicated, Jenny. You’ll understand when you’re older.” Emily came down the stairs, settling on my old pair of flip-flops, and the two of us walked to the school. It was only a block away, so Momma just watched us from the front porch. I took her to her classroom, and I noticed that her arms were already bruising.
“Are you okay, Emily.” I asked.
“I’ll be fine.” She said. I left her with the teacher, and went to my own room.
For the next few months, Uncle Rob didn’t spend much time at the house, but when he did he left Emily and I alone, barely acknowledging our presence. I thought that when Uncle Rob wasn’t around, that Momma would be like she used to. That she’d go to the park with us, or we could watch movies together, but she seemed even more distant then before. The only time she seemed normal, is when she would read bedtime stories to Emily and I. but then the unthinkable happened, Uncle Rod had his hours at work cut, which, unfortunately, meant he was home a lot.

It was a Friday, and Uncle Rob was supposed to be at work until six, which meant Momma would have been home. But when Emily and I walked through the door at three thirty, he was sitting on the couch, beer cans scattered all over the floor. The stench made us both hold our noses.
“Uncle Rob, where’s Momma?” Emily asked.
“That whore was supposed to be here an hour ago. Hey Shorty, do me a favor and grab me a cold one out of the fridge.” Emily and I both walked into the kitchen, knowing this was something we needed to stay out of. Emily had just grabbed a can out of the refrigerator when the front door slammed, making her jump and the can fall out of her hands. It bounces of a shelf on the fridge door before hitting the floor an spraying all over the both of us.
We can hear Momma yelling, so I shut the fridge and grabbed Emily’s, then we ran up the stairs as I’ve done so many times before. We retreated to our closet and try to ignore the yelling from downstairs. I fall asleep knowing that Momma will come upstairs soon. She’ll put us in bed, and everything will be fine in the morning. But when I wake up, I can still feel Emily’s head on my shoulder. I figure I must have just dozed off for a bit, and I try to go back to sleep. I can’t get comfortable, so I sit quietly, careful not to move to much and wake Emily. Silence rings through the house, which means Momma will be here soon. I sit there and listen, trying to find any kind of sound, but I hear nothing. I listen for what seems like hours, but I think can’t be more than minutes or else I wouldn’t still be in here. I must have fallen asleep, because Emily shakes me awake, with a flashlight on her face she has one finger to her lips, telling me to be quiet. She whispers one word that I wish I could unheard. “Voices.” They came from the hallway, to muffled to understand. We never talked while we were in the closet, but we had never been this silent. The voices were getting closer.
“Check this room.” one of them said. The bedroom door was opened slowly, and footsteps became louder and nearer until the stopped right in front of us. The door yanked open, revealing a man in a blue suit. “Hey Borris, I think I might have found something.”

The funeral was small, mostly family. By now every one but our grandparents had left, leaving Emily and I standing beside each other, gazing at the headstone.
“Jenny,” Emily said looking up at me, “Why did she stay with him?”
“It’s a big girl thing Emily.” I said, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Last edited by screamandshout on Thu Jul 08, 2010 4:07 am, edited 3 times in total.




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Hey. I thought that this was really good. I thought it was written in a good perspective as a younger child. What I really liked was the ending. It was a really well written story.

There is one things I do have to say. There are two things I think you may need to fix up. You said:
'She shoved the book under the couch, the same four my dolls.' I think you may have wanted to say 'for my dolls'
'“But the hurt my toes.” Emily whined.' I think you meant 'But they hurt my toes.' But other than that, I thought it was really good.




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Wow. I felt like I was reading a memoir, rather than fiction. It felt very real.
I think part of that is because of your use of imagery early on (quieter than silence, venom stinging the heart). I wish you had used more of it in the end, though. I also liked the repetition of what momma said and, then, Jenny said it too.

There are only one problem that I had with it...
screamandshout wrote: We can hear Momma yelling, so I shut the fridge and grabbed Emily’s hand, then we ran up the stairs as I’ve done so many times before. We retreated to our closet and try to ignore the yelling from downstairs.

This was a little confusing, because most of the story is written in past tense, but this paragraph is written mostly in present tense before switching back into past. It should all be in past because it's already happened.

Very simple, small mistake.
Overall, your story was good. It dealt with a very real situation in life and I think that a lot of people would be able to relate.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway




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Hello,
I like this story. I agree with the others that this is well written from a child's point of view. And the end is especially powerful. It's so sad how their mother dies.
I think there's just one thing that I saw:

I must of dozed off

of should be have. :wink:

“She aint hurt, Carla.” he said, letting loose of Emily.

I like how you have "letting loose of Emily" rather than "letting go of Emily". Quite original.

Okay that's about it. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable story. Good work!

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This is very good! I agree with the others, just a few mistakes, simple mistakes, if you got through and read it again
you'll be able to notice them.
Very powerful ending! Well done, i liked it! :D
:D




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verryy verry god.
I loved it.
“I'm gonna be a superstar musician, kill myself and go out in a flame of glory, just ike Jimi Hendrix"-Kurt Cobain<3




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Hi screamandshout! I’m sorry to be so late with this review. There’s really no excuse. XD But if it helps, I’ve been really stressed out this week with work and JulNoWriMo, so I had trouble getting together the time to do reviews (or JulNo, now that I think of it. *headdesk*).

Anyway! I don’t read a whole lot of short stories, but I have to say that I really, really liked this one.
I think the parallel structure in the “you’ll understand you’re older” line is really poignant and is a huge part of what makes this story. I like how the questions that the line dismisses sort of snowball, getting bigger and bigger and more painful, until the final scene—just as the problems within Jenny’s family snowball. The line is relatively innocuous at first, but as it is repeated throughout the scenes, it really shows the darkness that is lurking beneath the family’s attempt at a happy façade, until it becomes the final revelation of how the harshness of the world has killed Jenny’s innocence and her hopes for the future.

I also think this was a great example of how to do character development within a short length of story—during this chapter, we see Jenny change from a young innocent to a girl who has become just as unquestioning and cynical as the people around her. It’s really heartbreaking and tragic, and I think it is all the more so because of how well her narration and dialogue mesh—we get a sense of her innocence and her sense of hope in her narration as a smaller child, and the narration continues to get more and more bleak as the story goes on. But I think it’s subtle, almost unnoticeable—little details like how Jenny just goes ahead and hides with her sister in the final scenes, without even questioning whether it’s the right thing to do—so that it’s only at the final line that it really clicks for the reader that she’s become so jaded to the world. Masterfully done. ^_^

I don’t actually have any major, plot-wise critiques for this story, but I did notice that near the end, there was a point where you kept switching from the present tense to the past tense. It was kind of confusing to read—you might want to double check that paragraph for those.

Otherwise, just a few nitpicks that I don’t think anyone else mentioned:

“Emily go upstairs and see if any of Jenny’s old sandals will work for today.”

Ooops, needs a comma after “Emily.”

but then the unthinkable happened, Uncle Rod had his hours at work cut, which, unfortunately, meant he was home a lot.

This sentence kind of runs together strangely—I’d suggest splitting the part from “Uncle Rod…” on into its own paragraph.

She whispers one word that I wish I could unheard.

I think “unhear” is the right word here.

Well done! This was a really well written and extremely powerful short story, and I think the narration and dialogue in it developed the characters really well and did a great job of telling such a dark story though the eyes of the very young. I hope my review helps you out—thanks so much! ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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This is a well written and very powerful story. I felt the emotions and besides a couple of minor errors it was remarkable.
I really like it and enjoyed reading it.




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hello :)
I read this as soon as you asked for a review, but I could never find the time to give you a proper review. So, here I am oh so late, but late is better than never right? Any who, I really enjoyed this story, and barely saw room for improvement because it was so good. On to your review:

I was six at the time, my sister was two.

instead of a comma is should be a semi-colon because a comma brings together a phrase with a complete sentence, but in this case you have two complete sentences, and two complete sentences can only be joined by a semi-colon (;).

It was a late Saturday night and Uncle Rob wasn’t home yet.

there should be a comma after night and before and because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I don’t remember my daddy much, Momma says Daddy moved to heaven before Emily was born.

this comma should be a semi-colon

I used to ask when he was coming home but all Momma would say is,

There should be a comma after home

A light poured through the window and Momma stood up.

There should be a comma after window

“Jenny, take your sister upstairs and stay in your room!”

There should be a comma after upstairs

Emily and I hid in the closet, we stayed quieter than silence itself.

this comma should be a semi-colon.

Then silence, only to be broken with the sound of the front door slamming.

im not entirely sure that this is a complete sentence, maybe try re-wording it.

Thing only got worse after that.

I think it's just a small typo, but thing should be things. While re-reading your stories before you post them you can catch little mistakes such as those :)

Emily’s eyes teared up and her lip was quivering.

There should be a comma after up

She was to scared, so did what any five year old would do, cry harder.

This sentence should read like this: She was too scared, so she did what any five year old would do, cry harder.

I didn’t dare to move, I just watched in horror and tried to disappear.

It should be a semi-colon instead of a comma after move

Momma said nothing, she simply glared at him a look scarier than any other.

This sentence should go like this: Momma said nothing; she simply glared at him, a look scarier than any other.

The only time she seemed normal, is when she would read bedtime stories to Emily and I. but then the unthinkable happened, Uncle Rod had his hours at work cut, which, unfortunately, meant he was home a lot.

Instead of a period after Emily and I it should be a comma

It was a Friday, and Uncle Rob was supposed to be at work until six, which meant Momma would have been home. But when Emily and I walked through the door at three thirty, he was sitting on the couch, beer cans scattered all over the floor.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction (but, and, or, so & for) It shows that the following sentence is a phrase and not complete. Combine them by putting a comma after home and lower casing but.

We can hear Momma yelling, so I shut the fridge and grabbed Emily’s, then we ran up the stairs as I’ve done so many times before.

Once again a small typo it should be Emily's hand.

I fall asleep knowing that Momma will come upstairs soon.

Not just this sentence, but this whole scene you seem to switch back and forth between past and present tense. It jumps the reader out of the story. Try re-reading and going through and fixing this.

She’ll put us in bed, and everything will be fine in the morning. But when I wake up, I can still feel Emily’s head on my shoulder.

Combine this sentences by putting a comma after morning and lowering casing the but. Also needs a tense change.

The door yanked open, revealing a man in a blue suit. “Hey Borris, I think I might have found something.”

I absolutely love this. I can picture it so vividly

The funeral was small, mostly family. By now every one but our grandparents had left, leaving Emily and I standing beside each other, gazing at the headstone.
“Jenny,” Emily said looking up at me, “Why did she stay with him?”
“It’s a big girl thing Emily.” I said, “You’ll understand when you’re older."

I Love the ending. You did such a good job!

Overall: the plot was amazing, and with the word choice and writing style this made one heck of a story, but the grammar mistake and tense confusion draws the reader away, so try to fix that :)

Thanks for requesting a review and have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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You flare, you flicker, you fade... And in the end, all your tomorrows become yesterdays.
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