Spark.

This is a tentative entry for Rosey's contest: The Beginning of Magic.

Er, yeah. I think the ending needs a little reworking, so opinions on that would be nice. Other than that ... go for the jugular!

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It all began with a spark.

They were freezing. The harsh months of winter had robbed everyone of the fat lying dormant on their bones – sucked it up greedily like a child slurping the last of their drink. It had stolen their fervour too; now they sat staring with bleary eyes at the rough stone walls that formed their homes. Children lay listlessly on the ground, limbs curled up to their chests, only becoming animated when there was a chance of food, especially meat.

The last time one of them had captured some fine meat, all of them had gone crazy. Women pushed aside their friends, pulling children by their bony wrists, rushing forward to tear off chunks for their family and themselves. Men had fought over it, fought over the glistening red meat as the normal pile of chewy roots and plants went trampled and unnoticed.

Someone died that night. There was a brawl over one of the legs; punches had been thrown, knives drawn. Friends hurled themselves against friends, faces twisted in gross masks, and a man soon lay dead on the grass, his blood mixing with that of the animal. Most didn’t care about the death – it was one less mouth to feed, and he had been worthless anyway. A strong, useful man would have won the fight.

The man’s family sat around him, keening over the body, as their companions continued to devour and consume every last morsel they could; saliva tinged with red dribbled down chins that worked furiously.

There was no chance of the family getting meat now. Not without him to protect them. The winter so far had been hard, yes, the hardest winter they’d had. The forest was nearly emptied of animals worth eating; they had all moved away, or died from lack of food or shelter. When he was with them, there had been a chance of them all getting through the winter. They had been able to survive on the meagre meat he had caught for them, and the tough, trodden plants that nonetheless bought a small amount of warmth to their bones.

Now, with him lying stiff on the ground in front of them, there was little chance the whole family would survive the next three months. They sat on the rocky floor, clutching each other close. The mother wound her arms around the small, pitiful baby and rocked backwards and forwards silently. The children were gathered around her. The eldest were closest; they brooded over their father’s body, stick-like arms hugging fragile bodies to keep warm.

When the frenzy had abated, when the others had subsided into a lull of patting stomachs and lying down, stated for the moment, the family picked themselves up slowly and went into their shelter. They lay, cramped together, shivering with cold and loss.

A month passed. Full of bitter wind that burrowed itself into shelters and nestled in every crook and cranny of their bodies. Full of aching bellies that shrank with every passing day, and full of the knowledge that there were still more months to go.


The smallest child looked on; he was hungry and cold, yet too young to understand why no-one would bring him food when he cried for it. Everyone thought he would be the first of the family to die – he was the frailest, the weakest, and the one who needed the most food.

He was in the shelter with his sister holding him. She was trying to feed him some of the tough green that hurt his teeth and got stuck in his mouth. The boy ate it anyway – his primary desire to fill the growling beast in his stomach was bigger than any discomfort. He chewed on it, and wished for the heat that would soon come. He wished, if one could call it wishing, for his skin to feel warmth again; he wanted his fingers to lose their numb feeling and for the sun to shine.

He wanted, and he got. In front of them, so small they didn’t notice at first, was a small, flickering red thing. It fluctuated, changed colour. They moved closer, eyeing it dubiously; rarely did the unknown turn out to be good for them. But already they could feel the warmth from it. Not much, barely enough to heat their hands, but it was enough for them to sense. The flame grew bigger, until its light glimmered on the jagged stone wall. The boy moved closer still, his hands curling as though he wanted to hold the flame in them.

And it was magic.



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Thanks in advance!

Ok quick reply until later! Uum I liked this. Great format. Loved the way you wrote it. I'll give you more detail later, my iPods goons to die, an that's how I'm on here.

Heya Andy! (I call you Andy 'cause I'm cool, by the way)

I've never reviewed anything of yours before, so I may as well start doing so now. You might have seen some of my reviews around, or you might not have. If you have, then you're probably aware that I start off with nit-picks if I can find any. If you didn't know that... you know it now, so yeah.

It all began with a spark.

Nice opening.

They were cold, freezing.

This might just be me being paranoid, but this kind of stood out for me. You said that they were cold, then said that they were freezing. It's kind of like the same thing. It would sound okay if you simply wrote, They were freezing. This is more of a suggestion really.

The harsh months of winter had robbed everyone of the fat lying dormant on their bones – sucked it up greedily like a child slurping the last of their drink.

I liked your imagery here!

But the man’s family sat around him, keening over the body, as their companions continued to devour and consume every last morsel they could; saliva tinged with red dribbled down chins that worked furiously.

Once again, this is me being picky, but I don't really like sentences that start with 'But'. To me, 'But' is a word that connects two parts of a sentence together, not something that should be put at the beginning of a sentence. I also think that this sentence would look better if you replaced the semi colon with a period. That's jut my opinion though, a semi colon does work.

But with him with them, there had been a chance of them all getting through the winter.

Once again... 'But'. Meh... Also, the 'But with him with them' thing confused me for a few seconds. I had to read over it a few times to understand what you were saying. To make it easier to read, you could change it to something like 'When he was with them, there had been a chance of them all getting through the winter.'

They had been able to survive on the meagre meat he had caught for them, and the tough, trodden plants that nonetheless bought a small amount of warmth to their bones.

Amount sounds better than bit here.

And so a month passed.

I don't really like sentences starting with 'And' either... Yeah. I'm picky.

Full of aching bellies that shrank with every passing day, and full of the knowledge that there were still more months to go.

Missing word here...? Or am I just being dumb?

He wished, if one could call it wishing, for his skin to feel warmth again, for his fingers to lose their numb feeling, for sunlight.

I'm beginning to notice that you like commas and repetition. You've got a lot of sentences in here that are like 'They wanted to cry, to let all of their emotions spill out, to finally show everyone how they feel, to make them understand.' I have no idea what you'd call this, but do you understand what I mean? This is fine to do now and then, but I'm finding that you're doing it a rather lot and it's beginning to get a bit distracting.

They moved closer, eyeing it dubiously; rarely did the unknown turn out to be good for them, rarely was anything worth curiosity.

Another example of what I just said.

But already they could feel the warmth from it. Not much, barely enough to heat their hands, but it was enough for them to sense. And the flame grew bigger, until its light glimmered on the jagged stone wall.

'But'... 'And'... it's my paranoia nightmare. The sentence that starts with and, for example. You don't really need the and, do you? It would be fine if your wrote it as 'The flame grew bigger...'

The boy moved closer still, his hands curling as though he wanted to hold the flame in them.

And it was magic.

Awww! I really liked this ending.


Overall

As a whole, I very much enjoyed reading this. What I liked best about this, I think, is the story idea itself. I'm assuming that the task you were given was to create a short story on how magic began, or something. I didn't read the contest details... I'm too lazy. If that is the case, then I really love how you've handled that idea. You've made this story completely original and you haven't given the obvious definition of magic. So yeah, I really do love the idea of the story as a whole. Another thing that I liked about this piece were your descriptions. Instead of telling, you showed, which was great. You also didn't let your descriptions take over the story and become annoying. That can happen quite often in stories. When it comes to your grammar, it was very good! I don't think that I found one mistake actually. I might have found one, but even if I did, your grammar was still great. The same goes for your spelling; I didn't find any misspelled words. When it comes to your characters, they were rather entertaining. At the beginning they kind of felt a bit stiff to me, but by the end, I thought that they improved.

My main critique for this, I think, is the fact that the story itself was kind of vague. For example, we don't really know much about the background of this story. To me, this story gives the impression of it being set in a past era, but I'm not entirely sure. I assumed it was considering the violence and rather un-tamed civilisation... I have a feeling that you actually wanted this to be kind of vague though? If that is true, then this critique might be kind of pointless. I like how you didn't give us the names of the characters, it seems to suit the story, in my opinion. If you did actually write this so that it would be rather vague, I would still like you to make the era a bit clearer. Mind you, I'm not the brightest of all kids, I might just be having a spaz moment. Even if this is true, I still think that there could be some parts that are a bit more vivid. I also would have liked you to describe some of the happenings a bit more. For example, when they guy got killed. I would have liked for you to have described the fight or something. Even if you'd only described it in a small paragraph. Sorry if I'm not making much sense...

I don't really have anything else to critique about this... Oh yeah! There is one more thing actually. Although, it isn't really a full-on critique. It's about your comma usage and repetition. What I noticed throughout your piece is the fact that you tend to use an awful lot of repetition and commas in one sentence. Let me find an example...

Full of bitter wind that burrowed itself into shelters and nestled in every crook and cranny of their bodies. Full of aching bellies that shrank with every passing day, and full the knowledge that there were still more months to go.

Although I think that this was nicely written, I found a lot of similar sentences like these around your story. 'Full of bitter wind, full of aching bellies, full of the knowledge'. Do you see where I'm coming from. If you included one or two, three at the most, of sentences like this, it would be fine. It's just that I found quite a few of them in this. The main problem with using sentences like these to often is that it can begin to get a bit boring and repetitive. You can still say what you want to say, just without using the same words over and over again. You might disagree with me on this one, but yeah... that's my opinion of the whole thing.

Negatives aside, I genuinely did really like this. Sorry if my critique came across as harsh, I have a physics and maths test tomorrow so I'm not the most excited person right now. You had some seriously nice descriptions in here that were both entertaining and interesting. They didn't drag on either which was really good. Like I said before, I adore the idea behind this story. It was definitely original and I love how you used 'The Beginning of Magic' idea and put your own unique twist to it. Stories like this make me smile. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what I've said and maybe edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will certainly have a seriously immense piece of writing here!

Keep writing and good luck with the contest,

xoxo Rhian

Hola Amy!

Okay, I'll get straight into the reviewing.

Your opening line was good, but in my head it put the image of a spark plug. (Blame the geek in me.) It's okay, don't change it.
First thing I noticed was that you repeated quite a few things. I'm not sure if that was deliberate, to give a very slight feel of a childish narrative. but I think, it would sound better if you didn't. Am I making sense?

fists had been curled, knives drawn.

I always tend to spot repeated words, particularly in description. I would suggest you changing either this or the previous one in which 'limbs curled.'

A strong man, a useful man, would have won the fight.

The use of man twice is a bit annoying for me. You could remove one 'man' and it would sound better. This is mainly because I think otherwise, this sentence is more dialogue-y or it would be okayish if it was in first person narrative.

But with him with them there had been a chance of them all getting through the winter.

This confused me. There's something not right. (Think you missed some punctuation or some word...)

But now, with him lying stiff on the ground in front of them, there was little chance the whole family would survive the next three months.

This is to show the repetition again. You basically showed us this in the previous two sentence. See if you can club them. Play around with these lines to make it two, strong, effective lines.
On your end: The second-last paragraph could be worked on. Try to describe his wishful-ness or how the sister looked at him. Show us a bit more.
Last para: It seems that you wrote this bit in a hurry. Your idea is good. Stick to it. Only, I would suggest you to work around with more descriptions. Showing us emotions would help a ton. I didn't care much about the other paras being a little vague, but you need to step up with this. You don't have to tell all, but give us seolid description so that as readers, we can create a good perception of it. Here:

He wanted, and he got.

Don't be so blunt. It sort of doesn't fit in with the rest of the narration. Slow it down a wee bit. Oh and you used 'curling' again (I'm not complaining about this. You could have it start and end with the boy's curling digits. Would be good. )
Overall: As you said, the end needs work. This end seems more like a detailed outline. You should work on it more.
Other than that, this was good. I like your vague-ness and how you interpreted Rosey's thingy. It was good, just work on the end.

Hope I helped.
Cheers,
~Lava

Thanks, guys! Made a few basic adjustments - just working out the ending a little more. I really appreciate your critiques.

Hey Amy!

So the thing I think that needs fixing the most about this is you spend a whole lot of time explaining and bringing us into the setting, that what you're trying to focus on (the spark of magic) seems so quick and unimportant. I would add on a little more to the baby and his family, spend a little while introducing them a bit. The end seems kind of rushed once you get to the part about him.

The beginning I also had to read a few times to really get, it was a little wordy, and that made it a bit harder to grasp what you're trying to say.

Good Luck! <3

~Hope

I want this review to be a nice big long ‘Thank you” to you, Amy. I tried pretty hard, but I’m not that great at it. Plus, I did it all offline (saved the web page onto my laptop and write the review in Microsoft Word) so I might repeat what others may have already spoken about.
Without further ado…

…sucked it up greedily like a child slurping the last of their drink.

I would say ‘her’ or ‘his’ in place of ‘their’, since it makes it sound much more personal. Also, while ‘their’ is acceptable, it does make some number confusion. (personally, I’d use ‘his’, since I’ve never met a girl who’d slupr her drink)

The last time one of them had captured some fine meat

I wouldn’t have used the word captured, but rather something reminiscent of hunting, maybe caught or killed. If you change that word, then you’ll need to change meat into, I don’t know, reindeer or elk or something. Also, I would cut the word ‘fine’.

The last time one of them had captured some fine meat, all of them had gone crazy.

Actually, the whole sentence doesn’t sound right to me. Probably because of the repetition of ‘one of them’ so close to ‘all of them’. Normally I would put a rewritten sentence here, but I’ll leave that to you, since you might enjoy making your own choices of words.

…his blood mixing with that of the animal. Most didn’t care about the death…

Try mentioning something about the fact that they didn’t care about the blood mixing, since that was my immediate thought when I read the ‘Most didn’t care’. You introduce the idea of mixed blood in one sentence and drop it in the next.
Also…It’s a gruesome thought, but people that starving would have eaten the dead body, rather than leaving it to stiffen and rot. Even if they ate that other meat (whatever animal it was) until they couldn’t eat another mouthful, they would have had enough sense to save the dead guy for later.
It’s terribly gross, and repulsive, I know, but it’s what happens when food goes scarce: people eat…people. DX
Alright, enough of that, I’m moving on.

…had been able to survive on the meager meat he had caught for them…

Meagre is misspelled. It’s meager.

…had been able to survive on the meagre meat he had caught for them…

Now, with him lying stiff on the ground in front of them, there was little chance the whole family would survive the next three months.

I have a personal feud with redundancies (probably why I don’t critique poetry) so bad and bitter than I often notice redundancies between whole chapters (like using a certain phrase or wording to describe the same object) or even between books in a series. It’s hard to explain, but there’s just something in me that doesn’t like it.
Anyways, here I see the words ‘survive’ used so close to each other (separate paragraphs, but still close enough for me). Furthermore, both ‘survive’s are used to describe the family’s perilous situation, and thus the redundancy is doubled in my book.
Take note, very few people will notice this, and it hardly matters to those not part of the perfectionists’ camp. But if I were you, I’d change one of the two to a synonym of ‘survive’.[/ramble]

The eldest were closest; they brooded over their father’s body.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense, but these two phrases (in my mind) just seem to be opposites of each other. Plus, I would have combined this sentence and the sentence before this one together, just to keep the idea a little more well-knit. Something like:

The children gathered around her, the eldest closest, and brooded over their father’s body.

Also, you used a semi-colon. (You used a total of 8 in this piece, so that’s not overdoing it.)

Now, with him lying stiff on the ground in front of them

‘In front of them’ is awkward. I would use ‘before them’ or just cut that bit out completely.

They sat on the rocky floor, clutching each other close

‘Clutching’, ‘close’. Hmm, I would change close to closely, or to another word.

…backwards and forwards silently

Most of my review appears to be me just pointing out awkward words or pair of words and suggesting alternatives, but to me, that’s all I’d change it was my story. Anyways, I would have used the phrase ‘back and forth’, since the wards get repetitive.

When the frenzy had abated, when the others had subsided into a lull of patting stomachs and lying down

I don’t know about those ‘when’s. It sounds like “When this, when this, then this,” but it doesn’t flow so well. I would cut the two ideas into separate sentences somehow, or replace one of the ‘when’s.

…when the others had subsided into a lull of patting stomachs and lying down, stated for the moment

‘Sated’

A month passed. Full of bitter wind that burrowed itself into shelters and nestled in every crook and cranny of their bodies. Full of aching bellies that shrank with every passing day, and full of the knowledge that there were still more months to go.

This is one of the rare times I’d say repetition can be used. However, you’re not exactly following the same pattern with the repetition, so it might be a little weak. Here’s my revision, but you might try it differently.

A month passed. A month full of bitter wind that burrowed itself into shelters and nestled in every crook and cranny of their bodies. A month full of aching bellies that shrank with every passing day. A month full of the knowledge that there were still more months to go.

I realize that the one phrase there, “A month full of aching bellies” sounds very ironic. I’m fifty-fifty about changing that, though; it makes for a bit of black humor.

…why no-one would bring him food when he cried for it.

‘No-one’ is incorrect, it doesn’t need the hyphen.

…he was the frailest, the weakest, and the one who needed the most food.

First of all, the last item in that list doesn’t sound quite right. Secondly, it’s technically not true, teenagers need more…or wait, maybe you’re right. If you meant who could survive the least amount of time without food then I suppose it would baby. Still, he didn’t die.
Anyways, I would have said ‘…and the most malnourished.’ Weird, right?

Right about here, you have two things these people want, warmth and food. Although, by the very nature of the story, food really won’t come, I think you should have tied it in with the whole magic idea. Warmth is alright, but you can still die of hunger lying next to a cheery blaze, Y’no?
Something like, “And with the warmth, the promise of food was as evident as their hunger.” or whatever, I make it sound cliché-ish.


The smallest child looked on; he was hungry and cold, yet too young to understand why no-one would bring him food when he cried for it. Everyone thought he would be the first of the family to die – he was the frailest, the weakest, and the one who needed the most food.

He wanted, and he got.

Once again, repetition, but this time, I think you didn’t have it enough. The paragraph before this was all about his ‘wishes’, so instead of ‘wanted’ I would say you need ‘wished’.

Overall, you did quite well presently the hunger and neediness of the people (which made the relief and magic of the fire all the more real). You just need to go over the repetitions I mentioned, and maybe do something about the whole food factor.
Ciao,
Jenth