If Only

This place is not what I was told it would be.

The sky mirrors the water, just a slur of cloudy grey. And as the wind swells, teasing the grass along the banks, the silhouettes of birds begin to dance on the horizon. It is too dark here. Eternity isn’t supposed to smell like decomposing earth. The Underworld isn’t supposed to feel so bitter. Afterlife isn’t supposed to resemble life.

The truth is, there are no Gods of the dead here. And I was not reborn with the morning sun. There are no protective amulets, symbolic locations or animal-human hybrids bearing infinite wisdom.

Maybe this is it… A dreary, somber land full of subdued, silent people that are just wandering. Even the shadows have a threatening whisper of resentment.

Maybe I’ve just been wrong all along. What if I spent my life making the same mistakes? What if I let myself get caught up in hollow hopes and dreams? If only I had reconsidered.

Maybe if I had known this when I was alive this place would be different. Maybe if I had listened when they told me the truth is subjective. Maybe I would have lived a life worth living.

Because now that I’m here, everything I longed for when I was alive seems worthless. All the time I spent waiting and wanting means nothing. The mask I chose to wear, to be that beautiful, funny and talented person everyone likes, is no longer important. That person who was worth knowing was just a façade.

If I could go back I would memorize the sound of his laughter. I would smile whenever my daughter walked into the room. I would lie out and watch the stars and wish the night would go on, and on. Instead of being buried in empty pursuits of success and status, I could have lived.

Because in the end, all that is eternal are the people you love deeply and the moments you cherish. They are what create a life worth living and an afterlife worth reflecting on. Those memories are the colour and happiness and life here. Without them, everything is blurry and your purpose is unclear. Only leaving me destined to wait for something I can never have. A second chance.

It does not matter how loud or how often I go to the top of the mountains and scream. Those who are alive are creating their own eternity, but are too distracted to realize it. There is no way of warning them, I cannot tell them all those things they are longing for don’t matter.

Until they take off the mask, they will be unable to see the truth. Love, beauty and authenticity are what is real. And souls can only be free with knowledge and passion. But they still sit there restlessly, like I, waiting and wanting. If only they knew, you are the only one here to judge you.

I love your story. I think you were resourceful when you decided to bring mythology into this piece. I do have a nitpick

This place is not what I was told it would be

I think it would sound better if you said something like This place is not how they said it would be.

The sky mirrors the water, just a slur of cloudy grey. And as the wind swells, teasing the grass along the banks, the silhouettes of birds begin to dance on the horizon. It is too dark here. Eternity isn’t supposed to smell like decomposing earth. The Underworld isn’t supposed to feel so bitter. Afterlife isn’t supposed to resemble life.

I like the descriptive language that you use in this paragraph.
Overall I think that you have managed to create a great story. Fiction

Hello there and welcome to YWS

I loved this this story.

The sky mirrors the water, just a slur of cloudy grey.

Nice! Great use of imgery here.

I liked the way you described certain situations. I spotted no real problems, so there is nothing much to say.

Good job, looking forward to more of your work.

The first half was great. Your language and descriptions are spot on and ring with the tone of disappointment and loneliness you were going for. And it was in this part that I thought I was going to be reading a story about journeying in this chilling landscape.

I must say I was disappointed when the meat of the work turned into preaching and a public service announcement.

We, the reader, got the idea you were stating by this line:

Maybe if I had known this when I was alive this place would be different. Maybe if I had listened when they told me the truth is subjective. Maybe I would have lived a life worth living.

and I wish you had come back to the present and turned it into a story at this point. But instead you regaled us with more reasons why life was wasted when we already understood what you meant. And then it ends and we're left without understanding anything about the narrator except hopelessness and a tired, old message about carpe diem.

For example, you could have told us a narrative about going up to the mountains and screaming, or it could have been a story about searching for meaning.

Your writing shows promise, though. Keep using your language, develop ideas, and write stories. Looking forward to reading your future work.

Hey! Welcome to YWS!

This is had a an excellent opening, and a great deal of potential from the first couple of paragraphs. However, I think this is too short to work. I found that, particularly towards the end, you had abandoned your character and were simply regurgitating your own personal philosophy on life. For that to work, you do need a strong character, and the abstract needs to be built into a concrete narrative - for example, perhaps this character will walk around describing the world and what they see more vividly, since it needs some explaining. For example, I don't really understand what "There are no protective amulets, symbolic locations or animal-human hybrids bearing infinite wisdom..." means. It has a ranty and unrealistic tone to it.

Lengthening this out wouldn't just make it more powerful, but it would also help us to understand the story on a semantic level - you're throwing all these ideas together quite brutally, and I don't really understand them. Separate, justify them, explain them.

But great foundations! Let me know if you post an edited version.

-Mark