Young Writers Society


Ceremony

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This was a dream of mine, one that I actually remembered. So I wrote it all down, and I realize it needs work. But is the idea worth working on? For some reason i'm attatched to it...




The room is dim, lit only with candle-chandeliers that hang mid-way. The walls are beige but look give more of an orange tint in the candlelight. The room is roomy and free, with only six girls and counters, nothing else. All are dressed up in Victorian-styled dresses, all in different colors.
As we go across the room we first find one girl in a pale yellow dress and blonde hair. She has a sweet face, the kind that presents herself as everyone’s best friend. In this situation, where everyone is busy, clearly preparing for something of importance, she is calm. In her hands, holds a bouquet of flowers. The type of flowers don’t matter.
We come across another girl in a hot pink dress and luscious brown hair, put in a curly up-do. Her face is definitely beautiful, with a bit of that snob-appeal. It’s obvious she thinks she is a Goddess, yet we can see she is a little nervous as she fiddles with the leash she is holding to a little Chihuahua.
We can skip the girls three and four because there is nothing that makes them stand out. Girl five, in the blue dress, the most demure dress, is interesting. She is the only girl that isn’t holding anything, and her face which typically shows innocence shows sheer panic. She looks around the room, and sees that every other girl is holding something. She paces a bit, unsure of whom to ask what to do. All the other girls have something and are too preoccupied to help. Her feeling of panic becomes overwhelming and the moment right before she goes into a breakdown, she recomposes herself, goes back to her place, and asks out loud, not directed to anyone in particular, “What am I to have?”
A middle-aged woman with pale skin and jet-black hair which reaches her elbows comes up, seemingly out of nowhere and hands the girl a baby. The baby is tiny, fragile and pale. He has bloodshot eyes. He is weak, and unwanted, as this woman could hand him over so easily.
The girl however, surprisingly has no reaction, as if this were normal exchange; just as if she were handed a cup of water. The woman then gives her a stroller and blanket and says, “Push the baby down the aisle. And cover him with this blanket as he is too sensitive for the sun.” So the girl settles the baby into the stroller and covers him with the blanket, tying each corner of the stroller carefully with the blanket, so there would be a comfortable amount of space for the baby to breathe in.
A stream of light opens up in the room and the girl notices the other girls, bridesmaids, walking out. She scurries over to the door and when she steps out she is taken aback by how glorious the view is. She is stepping out into a boundless green field, where the air is fresh and still, where the sky blanketing the field is so blue it hurts the eyes when you look for too long. She then starts to walk, pushing the stroller, still gazing around the field. She approaches a long, straight line. It’s pavement for her to walk on, and it’s strange. It’s not quite concrete, or brick, since it is soft. But it is not carpet. She begins to walk down the aisle that goes in a long, straight line, leading up to three green square platforms, the middle being the biggest and tallest, the other two are smaller and outside it.
The girl pushes the baby down the aisle but she sees no other people beside her watching the wedding. She doesn’t even see the bride and groom in front of her, or the bridesmaids. She feels so self-conscious, like people are watching her even though there is no one. She battles her desire to hunch over, and tries to stand tall, and move gracefully, although it wouldn’t matter, because in her mind there is no one there, no one watching. After a while it becomes natural to stand tall and walk strongly, because she is walking with a purpose. She is focusing solely on making her way through with the baby, and doing so safely.
Once she reaches the platform all the people suddenly appear as she snaps back into reality. They are all watching her, and she can’t tell if it’s because she has done good or bad. She looks down at the stroller to figure out how she’ll lift it over the platform, trying to do so quickly everyone’s eyes are on her, and it’s putting her under pressure, but the stroller is empty and folded. Normally she would have no reaction but she can feel a tinge of worry deep inside, and once she realizes that emotion it steadily grows. She lifts it over the platform, and for some reason it is heavy, heavier than without the baby, and there is struggle getting it over the platform, even though it is empty and folded. Once she gets it over she gets in line with the other bridesmaids. Then she looks down again and sees that the baby is in the stroller again, but without the blanket. The platform is dusty and she bends over to care for the baby, making sure the dust won’t go into his eyes. With this she misses the whole ceremony, but she does not care. She does not care what people have expected her to do. It does not matter if they all think she is selfish. If she is, then she welcomes that title with wide arms.
When the ceremony is over she walks over to some silver bleachers with the baby in her arms. People are walking everywhere, it’s crowded and loud. Congratulations are openly given, complaints are whispered, some just try to escape. The girl remains on the bleachers around some other people who are talking and who probably didn’t care much for the ceremony either. It is fairly empty, with only ten people at the most sitting, spaced out quite far. A small three-year old boy, not a fragile, unwanted baby is in her arms and she is holding on to him tenderly. The woman who gave the baby to the girl comes up to the bleachers, again like before, seemingly out of nowhere and asks him with a smile, “Do you wanna go back with your Mommy?”
The boy shakes his head and says, “No, I want to stay with her.”, pointing to the girl. The woman shrugs and walks away, and the girl holds onto the boy, making sure he is safe, not caring if she is selfish.




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Hi!

This was well written, but really random. I know it is based off a dream, but that doesn't mean you should write it exactly as one. No dream makes perfect sense, so if you follow it to a T, you just make something confusing.

My biggest issue is that this doesn't have any point to it. There's no driving force, nothing to make us feel connected. You just go along describing everything, thus making this feel like a dream. Give this a plot point, and it will be so much better.

I like your descriptions. They are really nice. I just wish they felt relevant.

My next issue is the baby carriage thing. You said there wasn't a baby in it, then the woman is holding a baby in the next sentence. Put more transition here and you'll be golden.

But overall, this was good. It had a nice feel to it. I think it just needs to find what it is about.

-Esther
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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Esther Sylvester wrote:Hi!

This was well written, but really random. I know it is based off a dream, but that doesn't mean you should write it exactly as one. No dream makes perfect sense, so if you follow it to a T, you just make something confusing.

My biggest issue is that this doesn't have any point to it. There's no driving force, nothing to make us feel connected. You just go along describing everything, thus making this feel like a dream. Give this a plot point, and it will be so much better.

I like your descriptions. They are really nice. I just wish they felt relevant.

My next issue is the baby carriage thing. You said there wasn't a baby in it, then the woman is holding a baby in the next sentence. Put more transition here and you'll be golden.

But overall, this was good. It had a nice feel to it. I think it just needs to find what it is about.

-Esther


The general point was that the baby symbolized a dream, or a goal. Something that someone just tossed away and this girl, who felt no emotion and didn't care for this dream, goal, talent, person (whatever you wish to interpret it as), began to care for it as she walked down the aisle. She began to love it regardless of the conditions, because before she only cared for what society wanted from her, and not what she wanted. When the stroller was empty, she began to panic because her "dream" was gone. That's why it was heavier without the baby than with it.

But, I did make it kind of random, so I can see how my point isnt coming across as strong.

thanks for the advice :)
Last edited by emilyleigh on Wed Jun 23, 2010 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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You have a very symbolic point of view. Have you ever tried poetry? I bet you would be good at it.

You're welcome.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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I thought this was a very interesting idea too. I think it could be better if you had more detailed descriptions of what was going on and what each girl looked like. I felt that the things you did choose to describe had little relevance to the story. also like esther sylvester said it could use an overall point that will keep the reader interested, and there was a lot of symbolism that wasn't really clear. It may have been clear to you, but you have to make it more clear to the reader or else they will be totally confused. I think you are really on to something with this, and if you put sometime it could really be good. I hope this review helps.



By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill