The Living Night (PART 1)

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This is a story I wrote quite some time ago and I've been wanting to share it with as many people as I could. Love it, loath it, burn it, trash it.


THE LIVING NIGHT

I don’t like the dark. It comes with its long, skeleton-like fingers, engulfing everything it touches. I really don’t like the dark. It is the evil of the day; nothing can stop this evil unleashed upon the world. It stares with its dark red eyes that pierce every corner of my room. I’m in my bed right now, watching as it slowly creeps towards me; I must prepare. It’s so close now, mere feet away. I don’t have enough time, I must hurry. So close now…
As the darkness made its way across the boy’s room, he tried to prepare for its coming; he didn’t dare go near the dark. Nothing could stop it. As the boy took his final breath, he felt its cold, long fingers wrap around him. It was a new sensation, nothing he had ever felt before. As the sun rose above the horizon the next day, he was nowhere to be seen.

The boy had finally woken up; yet, he was not where he was supposed to be. He was in a world unlike any other; the sun was hidden by darkness. As he looked around this mysterious world, he noticed a dark looming object rising above the clouds just up ahead; it was a castle but none like he had ever seen. It is misty, neither here nor there; it is like it’s made of darkness itself…
* * *
I had finally reached the castle; it was very large, dark, not even of this world. I see something, a large dark figure, watching my every move. This place looks all to familiar, it’s as if I’ve been here before; I know I haven’t seen it but that thing up in the tower, its face, it doesn’t have one! Those fingers, those skeleton-like fingers. Those red eyes, full of pain and misery. I know now, it’s the night! It has brought me here…

As it watched the boy, it realized that he had figured everything out; it raced down the stairs towards the courtyard. There, it waited. It waited and waited and waited until a small figure rose through the mist. The boy. It rose up but was standing in an awkward stance. It stood there breathing heavily with its eyes burning with rage. It was ready to be rid of the boy once and for all. It raised its hands ready to engulf the boy in its web of darkness once again to send him away forever. The boy didn’t look frightened. Something’s not right, it thought. It sent its fingers flying towards the boy. I have him now!

Suddenly, a light engulfed the creature. The light! That light! The pain! The agony! The boy had taken out a torch and shone it on the creature. It had let out a blood curdling scream; the boy had to put his hands over his ears, but that didn’t help. It was starting to distort, its legs shrank but grew at the same time, and its eyes flashed every colour of the rainbow. It started to crumple up. It was the end…
After a few agonizing moments, it was gone. The walls surrounding me collapsed, the darkness had finally let its grip over the sun. The light bathed the land. All the darkness was disappearing. Everything was starting to live again. This was the start of a new age.
Then, the world around me spun uncontrollably fast, there was a blinding light and I woke up in my bed again. It was a new day…

The boy started to recount his story to his family and friends throughout that morning, who all regarded him as crazy. They all said that his imagination got the better of him. He decided there was no point in telling anyone else but to write it down and hope that it could help future generations. As he went outside to go to the park, a large pair of red eyes watched him from a nearby by bush.
Last edited by RepublicOfCoter on Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:12 am, edited 2 times in total.
"As I lay down on my bed, I look up at the sky, the stars and the moon, and I think to myself: Where the hell is the ceiling?" Unknown

"The fun is in the chase, never in the capture" Agatha Christie




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Hey ROC! So, this is a good start, but I know you can do better. :D
The story idea is good, but the execution is a little off for a few reasons.

Repetition

This drove me crazy while reading this. You used the word ‘dark’ so many times that it makes the piece seem like it lacks creative vocabulary. Microsoft Word’s thesaurus came up with a bunch of matches like: murky, gloomy, sinister, threatening, and obscure. A thesaurus can be a writer’s best friend. :D

Lights! Camera! Action?

This piece rests heavily on description. There is some action, but not enough to sufficiently carry the story. When the darkness starts to approach him, what does he do? Does he push his back against the bed’s headboard and quiver, does he try to scream but his voice clamps up, does he try to push his blankets at it to buy himself some time. Actions, a lot of the time, speak lowered then words.

Third to First Person

Switching for Third Person Point of View to First Person POV is something you don’t want to do as a writer unless it’s for a very good reason. But I think Third Person would suit this better because of the fact that you’re changing characters as well. Not only that, but I’m really not sure who these characters are. There’s the boy in the first part in the bed, then the “I” in the second part and also a boy who I had assumed was the boy from the first part. But all of the sudden “I” is returned to his bedroom…which I thought belongs to the boy. It was confusing.


So, overall, I think you’re doing a good job presenting the horror genre, but it definitely needs some work.
Good luck!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hello there!

Well this was quite interesting! I love the concept, and the writing is pretty well too. Though, it could use a bit of work to really make it great. :)

As lilymoore mentioned, the switching from first to third person is strange. It takes the reader out of the story, and causes all sorts of confusion. I'm going to echo her suggestion to stick to third person.

He decided there was no point in telling anyone else but to write it down and hope that it could help future generations. As he went outside to go to the park, a large pair of red eyes watched him from a nearby by bush.

I had the biggest problem with this part, for several reasons.

1. Why is he writing it down for future generations? More specifically, why does he think he should? Was there the potential that other people could experience the same fate? Or was it centralized on him? Was this the only time it happened, or did it happen often?

2. The last sentence is, in my opinion, no way to end this. It jumps very oddly from him deciding to write this down to going to the park, and it's such a cliffhanger it's weird. It could be alright if there was more of a continuity between the first and last sentence in that quote.

That's about all I have to say. Great job, and keep writing!

-Lauren-
Got YWS?




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Love the concept. =]

However, just like what lily said, changing from 1st to 3rd person could confuse the readers.
I know I'm not that good too, but I think something's missing.
Something that could let us feel what the boy is feeling. I think it lacks the connection to the readers.

I had finally reached the castle; it was very large, dark, not even of this world. I see something, a large dark figure, watching my every move. This place looks all to familiar, it’s as if I’ve been here before; I know I haven’t seen it but that thing up in the tower, its face, it doesn’t have one! Those fingers, those skeleton-like fingers. Those red eyes, full of pain and misery. I know now, it’s the night! It has brought me here…

As it watched the boy, it realized that he had figured everything out; it raced down the stairs towards the courtyard. There, it waited. It waited and waited and waited until a small figure rose through the mist. The boy. It rose up but was standing in an awkward stance. It stood there breathing heavily with its eyes burning with rage. It was ready to be rid of the boy once and for all. It raised its hands ready to engulf the boy in its web of darkness once again to send him away forever. The boy didn’t look frightened. Something’s not right, it thought. It sent its fingers flying towards the boy. I have him now!

Suddenly, a light engulfed the creature. The light! That light! The pain! The agony! The boy had taken out a torch and shone it on the creature. It had let out a blood curdling scream; the boy had to put his hands over his ears, but that didn’t help. It was starting to distort, its legs shrank but grew at the same time, and its eyes flashed every colour of the rainbow. It started to crumple up. It was the end…


Yes, and?
I think you could add action in here. Make it harder for the boy to defeat the dark, so we could feel how hard it is to fight with the night. And how hard it was for the boy to figure out a way (like taking out a torch) to win.


Hope I made sense. Haha.
But it was good. XD
Kudos to the rest of your works!

-KAT <3
REVIEW!!!
'cause I review back. XD XD XD




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Hey R.O.C, CaptianRandom here

i have been meaning to read this story for a while, sorry i haven't, any way on with the review.

I enjoyed this story, i am scared of the dark myself and i will officially have night mares tonight i have to remember to bring a torch. I thought the concept of this story was good, the only thing i didn't like was the castle of darkness, i don't think it suited the story, maybe if it was something else. I loved the ending, i can't wait to read the next part.

-CaptianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions
"Do not allow people to dim your shine because they are blinded. Tell them to put on some sunglasses"

"I don't want my whole life to be real, so i chose for it not to be"

"You have to not care about the goal, you hgave to love the process"
- All from Lady GaGa



Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
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