We all believe in something... (Cassie)

This is the worst story I have ever wrote.
It's not wise to try to write something with a billion distractions.

You made me cry...

I don't have much to say. This is a really good story. The only thing I'd point out would be:

I felt the hand of God himself.

Himself should be capitalized, since we are talking about God after all.

Again, great story, and I was in tears.
~Wolfie(12)

Hi, LPR.

This is about Cassie by Flyleaf, right? I've heard about the story.

So, I'm not too sure where to start with this. My reviews tend to become a little jumbled, so please bear with me on it.

Message :

This is, obviously, one of the most prominent things in your story. It's a sensitive topic, and the underlying message is all too clear. Although I have no problem with religious elements in stories, they way you've written it in here seems a little ham-handed to me, and could definitely be integrated better into the story. Your narrator at the start mentions how she doesn't like people forcing their beliefs onto her, and that's fine, but by the end it felt a little to me like you were, in a way, doing that. Obviously not in such an obvious way, but it all felt a little preachy, which was a shame.

I would really consider toning down the way you write it. It is just too obvious. You paint the person with no religious beliefs as someone who is insanely bored, lost, wrong and angry. You then paint all the religious people as very happy and sure of themselves. This, to me, feels like a very black and white image of these two states. That isn't what it is like - for some, maybe, but this feels like a big generalization.

The thing is, this could be very poignant if you handled it a little better. I know that it's kind of hard to get the right balance when it comes to writing about your own beliefs and keeping it real, but my next point should hopefully help you a little.

The Narrator:

At the start:

Okay, at the start your narrator seems very forced. She doesn't have much of a personality - all she seems to me is someone who dislikes religion. This is a mistake, as you're making her about the religion, or lack of, rather than making her a person. The place this is most obvious is the dialogue. It's just forced and unnatural. Picture a conversation between you and a friend - imagine you have opposite beliefs - however you spoke about it, and whatever you felt, it wouldn't play out like this. You aren't writing dialogue here, you're just trying to get across this message in a convenient way. I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I think that with topics like this you need to handle them carefully in order to make it work.

At the end:

It doesn't satisfy me, the way your character changes at the end. There isn't much of a reason for it. I don't know ... the only thing we really knew about her was her hate of religion - you don't give us much else - and it's fine if that changes, but that again needs to be written well so that it is believable. It's something that could be touching, and it is, but to really squeeze its full potential you need to make it more plausible.

The death scene:

Again, didn't satisfy me the way it could have done. I felt like it could have perhaps been described better. I'm sorry, I'm finding it hard to come up with an example of how you could improve it, yet I still feel like it was lacking. I think that maybe you could try to capture some of the emotions of this moment better - make it feel all fast-paced and rushed and scary, whilst at the same time describe important things. Again, I apologise if this makes no sense.


Okay, so I think I've pointed out my major problems with this piece. It's a nice adaptation of the story, and it's interesting to do it from another point of view. I just think you should really work on your characterisation.

Hope I helped!

-Amy

Hey, LPR! This is a great idea, first of all, to write about someone who was affected without writing about the people that died or how they felt, someone who will be there afterward to still feel.

I think, however, that you cut this piece short! I felt like there was a possibility for emotion in your words, but I didn't feel it. I feel that if you had introduced the main character with a longer introduction, her feeling toward her best friend, and how she felt for a while afterward instead of just the pivotal moments, it would tie the piece into a proper story.

Another big thing I'm confused about is why the main character claims that Meagan is her best friend when she treats her like crap. xP

Please tie the pivotal moments together in something more fluid and give us realistic characters instead of names that we're supposed to paste onto personalities simply because of the terrible event behind them. Make us mourn Cassie because of who she was, not just because she died in a well-known shooting, and make the death of Meagan affect her best friend more. In fact, why do you even focus on Cassie? She seems to have no relation to Meagan. If you want to focus on Cassie because of her known involvement, why include Meagan?

I hope that my ramblings can help a little bit. Right now this is a good bare-bones start to the big points of action in a longer story. Try to flesh it out and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

-Hannah-

Edit: I also think that the whole introduction is unnecessary. We'll be able to see your message without such a blatant introduction, so I'd recommend getting rid of it and letting the piece speak for itself.

Rock, why did you delete this? I was kind of excited to read it, and I'll assume it was for the contest? If you got bad reviews, that's still no reason to delete it! Only if your story was somehow offensive to someone should you feel like it doesn't belong on YWS. Otherwise...that's kind of the point of posting it here.

Bring it baaack!