The Midnight Express

As I was eating my dinner with my grandfather and younger brother, I asked my grandfather a question. It was to change my life forever.
"Grandfather", I asked as politely as possible,"What is the midnight express?"
My grandfather was the Station-Master in our village, so he should have known what went into the station and what went out of it again.
"How old are you, Brian?" he asked, gruffly.
"Ten, Grandfather", I reply, hoping that I didn't upset him.
"Well, it's about time you asked that question, isn't it?" As he said this, he got out of his chair and hobbled, without his stick, to the telephone.
"Hello", he said, after he had punched in the number,"Yes, I know it's of short notice and yes I do know what time it is, but this is important, alright, goodbye, Ms.Beecham.
"What's going on, Grandfather?" my little brother, Harold, squeaked.
"I am taking Brian to the station with me tonight, so you'd best to behave for Ms.Beecham when she comes, alright?"
"Alright, Grandfather", Harold replied, sheepishly.

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It was bitterly cold when we got to the station. The wind bit and clawed at my face as a feral cat would. Grandfather didn't seem to mind, he just did his duty for a few hours. He still hadn't answered my question and I was getting impatient.
"Grandfather, how much longer?" I asked, adding a moan to my voice.
"Why the hurry? There are things to be done, you know", he replied, as if I was getting irksome. He had done all the things a normal Station-Master did, without any difference at all. I yawned.

After a few hours, I was getting tired. I must have fallen into a deep slumber, because my Grandfather was shaking me where I lay.
"You wanted to know about the Midnight Express, did you not?" he asked, hurriedly.
"Yes, Grandfather, I do", I replied. I was half asleep.
"Well I have to tell you the rules. Right then, first of all, don't touch the lights", he said,
"Secondly, no matter who the passengers are, do not talk to them or touch them unless they want you too, got it?" he continued. I nodded.
"Good. It's set to arrive in about ten minutes. Oh, do not board the train, no matter who, or what, tempts you to do so"
I nodded again. All I wanted to do was to see it for myself. Excitement gripped at me. I was going to see it. After about five minutes, each minute feeling like an eternity, Grandfather checked his watch and said, in a hushed voice,"Remember rule one".
Suddenly, three balls of light appeared under the bridge and rushed down the rails, dodging each other and weaving, as if they were dancing in perfect harmony. They got to the station, if I had blinked, I would have missed it, the spectacular sight it was. They hovered close to me. I was trying to resist the urge to touch the single most beautiful things I had ever saw. My hand resisted me and was reaching out for them.
"NO!", Grandfather shouted and the lights returned to the rails and collided. After a blinding flash of white light, a massive steam engine appeared where the lights had been. It was the most magnificent thing I had ever seen on two rails. The way the metal work blended so well with that of the boiler. The wheels, created by the hands of a master, the carriages, things of sublime beauty, as if built for the Queen herself, or parhaps someone higher.
"Remember rule two, Brian, rule two", Grandfather whispered to me.
The air around us sharply dropped. The atmosphere changed from that of excitement to fear and nervousness. I looked behind me and saw people. But there was something not quite right about them. They walked at the same pace as a group of coffin-bearers at a funeral. Some wore rags and others wore clothes of the highest quality. They all were walking to the station at their eerily slow pace. When the first got to the gates, they ignored them and walked through them. It then dawned on me. They were all dead. Grandfather must have sensed my panic, so he said,"There is nothing to be scared of, young 'un, they cannot do anything to us. They are no longer a part of this world, they are a part of the next".
They kept on coming, droves and droves of them. Some looked as if they had died in their sleep, no wounds or imperfections of the skin, but others had wounds so horrendous that I do not wish to recall. Grandfather, whilst this was happening, told me that the Midnight Express only stays at this station for ten minutes and then has to move on and that was the reason for the amount of the dead. They always started for the oldest first and then move on to the youngest at the back. After eight minutes of this, this, spectacle, the children arrived. They all looked disheveled, half starved and nearly skeletal. As they boarded the train, I didn't recognise any except for the last.
"Billy!", I shouted. Grandfather looked at me with scorn.
"Rule two, Brian!", he snapped.
"But he's my best friend, he,he has Scarlet fever, he's at his house, in,in,in bed!" I protested.
"Wrong, Brian. He had Scarlet fever", Grandfather said. Billy simply waved at me and boarded the train. I tried to fight my Grandfather's grip, but it was too strong for me. He was making sure I didn't follow into the train. So, with tears falling down my cheeks, the almighty engine broke up into it's lights and speed ed up into the sky.
"You know ,the thing about the Midnight Express, is that it only picks up people who go to Heaven", he looked at me with shining eyes and I understood perfectly.

Heya Skutter! I'm Apple and I'm your reviewer today. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to try and squeaze this story for things that I believe can be fixed.

Firstly, the title is what drew me towards it. I just love, standing there all pretty and such! You really have a way with words, Skutter! 'The Midnight Express' it's gotta 'lil ring to it.

As I was eating my dinner with my grandfather and younger brother, I asked my grandfather a question. It was to change my life forever.

This is the beginning to your story and yet it seems to neither fits it reccomended requirements. It sounds a little cliche and I really think you could've improved on it, ten fold. Someone how cut out some of this information, I mean mentioning who the character is eating with sort of throws the whole meaning on these two starting sentences. This question was to change my life forever. Sounds moderately better, though I believe you can totally make it a lot more drawing and interesting.

"Grandfather", I asked as politely as possible,"What is the midnight express?"

A few grammar issues in this sentence. Firstly; the commar should be within the speech marks on the first word. And there should be a full stop rather then a commar after possible. For example; "Grandfather," I asked as politely as possible. "What is the midnight express?"

"Ten, Grandfather", I reply, hoping that I didn't upset him.

Same problem as above. Commar should be within the speech marks surrounding Ten and Grandfather. For example; "Ten, Grandfather," No, actually, you should place a full stop instead of a commar.

I'm just going to state this now, go through the whole of your text and fix this commar and speech mark problem up. It's rather everywhere and I would rather review the story then have to pick up on all those errors. Though I'll pick up on some, if there are more grammar problems attatched to it. Sorry. Don't feel bad, I usually have a lot worse then.

"Hello", he said, after he had punched in the number,"Yes, I know it's of short notice and yes I do know what time it is, but this is important, alright, goodbye, Ms.Beecham.

Couple of problems here, firstly; the commar and the speech marks things. I'm going to come out right and say this; you really like your commars...Like I love my semi-colons. For Example; "Hello," he said, after he had punched in the number. "Yes, I know it's of short notice and yes I do know what time it is but this is important. Alright goodbye, Ms.Beecham."

"What's going on, Grandfather?" my little brother, Harold, squeaked.

When you close something off with either a full stop or a closing quotation the following word should have a capital letter. For example; "What's going on, Grandfather?" My little brother, Harold squeaked.

Okay, reading the rest of this comes up with as much grammar mistakes as I have found already. I sort of wanted to review your story not fix your grammar, so I'm going to do what I came here for.

This story has real potential and I enjoy the way you show us the images as you write. You don't use a lot of similies in your work which sort makes hard to read, though in saying this I believe it is a really good story.

The one thing on grammar that I'm going to comment on; is your love you commars. They are everywhere, and I don't think they need to be. If you read over this you'll see that you can take out more then half of them.

The beginning is set off rather as a cliche to me and well, I think you can really improve on it. It's short and snappy; two sentences as you had hoped for, though there is so much more you can write to capitvate an audience. That, unfortunately didn't catch me, though as I later read on, it began to pick up.

If you read through this you'll see the mistakes I have pick up on, and you'll know that they have to be fixed. I, myself have to read over my work seven times before I think it really fits.

PM me when you have more up. I'll be happy to review more of your work.

~Apple

Hey Skutter

"Yes, I know it's of short notice and yes I do know what time it is, but this is important, alright, goodbye, Ms.Beecham. - You missed out a speech mark at the end of this dialogue.

"Ten, Grandfather", I reply, hoping that I didn't upset him. - I believe you used the wrong tense here. It seems as though you are using past tense and so this should be 'I replied' and not 'I reply'

"I am taking Brian to the station with me tonight, so you'd best to behave for Ms.Beecham when she comes, alright?" - I think you can take the 'to' out of this sentence so it's just 'you'd best behave'

The wind bit and clawed at my face as a feral cat would. - I'm not sure this visual reference really works. The idea of a cat clawing at my face doesn't make me think of how cold the wind might be.

because my Grandfather was shaking me where I lay. - You have mixed up the tense here again I believe. It should be 'laid' and not 'lay'

"Well I have to tell you the rules. Right then, first of all, don't touch the lights", he said - I feel like the 'Right then' in this dialogue feels a bit redundant and makes the dialogue sound weird. If you take it out and read the dialogue without it then I think it flows better. It would make sense if you had put a tag after the first dialogue, explaining him doing some action and then he would start again but basically here you have him starting twice without any pause in between.

"Secondly, no matter who the passengers are, do not talk to them or touch them unless they want you too, got it?" - It should be 'to' not 'too'

Oh, do not board the train, no matter who, or what, tempts you to do so" - I think you could do with taking the 'Oh' out of this dialogue. The Grandfather does not seem like someone who would forget something as important as that but rather he would stress it. The 'Oh' makes it seem like an after thought. Also you are missing a period at the end of this dialogue.

as if built for the Queen herself, or parhaps someone higher. - Simple spelling mistake 'perhaps' and not 'parhaps'

They all were walking to the station at their eerily slow pace. - I feel this sentence would flow better if it were 'They were all walking'

When the first got to the gates, they ignored them and walked through them. - The repetition of them isn't quite working here. At first I though, them? Them who? As though it were a person they were ignoring. I think that for at least one of these thems you need to use another more describing word so we know what them is. Or you could simply get rid of the last them, you don't really need it and the sentence would still work without it.

"There is nothing to be scared of, young 'un, they cannot do anything to us. They are no longer a part of this world, they are a part of the next". - I feel that the way you have set the Grandfather up character wise means that he probably wouldn't say 'young 'un'. Plus it feels kind of unnatural within the dialogue and whenever something feels like that in dialogue it usually means that you should take it out. I think that you could either do without it or replace it with a name.

no wounds or imperfections of the skin, but others had wounds so horrendous that I do not wish to recall. - There is a repetition of wound here. I think that you could probably find another word to use. Repetition can make sentences or paragraphs a bit jarring and so you need to be careful with the repetition of words close to each other. Especially try not to have them in the same sentence.

Grandfather, whilst this was happening, told me that the Midnight Express only stays at this station for ten minutes and then has to move on and that was the reason for the amount of the dead. - This sentence doesn't flow very well. I think you need to rework it a little. Especially at the end because you use 'the' too much I think. It just feels very long and as though you are getting tangled up in your words.

They always started for the oldest first and then move on to the youngest at the back. - I think it would be better as 'They always started with the oldest first' also you have another tense problem here. I believe it should be 'and then moved on to the youngest at the back.'

He was making sure I didn't follow into the train - The ending of this sentence feels a little odd. Maybe you could cut off 'into the train' or you could say something like 'He was making sure I didn't follow my friend' or 'I didn't follow Billy onto the train'

So, with tears falling down my cheeks, the almighty engine broke up into it's lights and speed ed up into the sky. - Just a simple mistake again, should be 'speeded'

"You know ,the thing about the Midnight Express - the comma should be just after 'know'

Character - I think that I did get a sense of character here but oddly I got more a sense of the grandfather than I did of Brian. I think this is mainly due to dialogue though. I say oddly because you are writing in first person and so I should get more of a sense of Brian as it is his mind that I am in for this story. I think what could help is if you describe more of what Brian is thinking throughout this story. You have a little but perhaps some more might help. I think his little brother is a bit of a non-character at the moment. He doesn't seem to be doing anything other than being a plot device so the Grandfather can confirm that he is taking Brian to the station. So perhaps that needs to be looked at a little more to see whether you can bring him more into the story or whether you actually need him at all.

Pacing - I thought the pacing was good but a little rushed. Especially in the beginning section. I think that you could lengthen this out a little more so that we get a little more time with the characters before they leave for the station. Maybe you could also describe more what the Grandfather's duties are, this maybe would help with Brian's character also because we could see his boredom and his reaction to what his grandfather is doing before the midnight express comes along.

Dialogue - Your dialogue was pretty good. At times it got a bit too formal, just remember that not everyone speaks in perfect English. Also you had a tendency to put in phrases that seemed somewhat unnatural so just be careful with that and make sure that you read through your dialogue (maybe out loud) to see whether any of it sounds odd or not like something someone would say. Otherwise though you projected a good sense of character through the dialogue, so keep that up!

Description - Overall your description was good but you had a tendency to get a bit tangled up in your sentences. What I would advise is to read through your work and read it out loud and make sure that it flows well and make sure you don't have repetitions of words or of ideas. Perhaps a thesaurus might help you think of better ways to say things so you don't have to go on these long roundabout sentences to get where you want to be. Also just be careful about switching tenses, which you did a few times here.

Overall - I love the concept for this piece and how the dead get on this train to up to heaven and I love the relationship between the two characters, which I think could be explored a little more. I also think that you could lengthen this piece a little so that the story comes across better.

I hope that helped! PM me if you have any questions

Bex x

I loved it, I could read this over and over again keep up the good work.

I loved this! The pacing was good. I'm not sure I could explain the mood this piece put me in, but it was a good one, even if in an eerie way. I loved the part where he saw Billy. It was sad, but it was well written and it tugged at my heart. Overall, a lovely piece. Well done.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

This was a very good piece I must say a bit long for my taste but I will let that pass this time. I liked the way you detailed things. I really don't have a negative thing to say to you really. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks guys! I'll remember these tips for next time! Well, now I have to lock this one, so people with new works get reviewed, Ok? Woo, new smilies!