The Twins.

7 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
AGAIN, PURE BOREDOM!!! :lol: “Danny. Jordin. Get up for school. You don’t want to be late for your first day back.”

Danny and Jordin had only just got into bed an hour ago and now they had to be up for school. Jordin stumbled out of bed sleepily. Her head was still throbbing from the night before and the stale taste of vodka was making her tongue burn. She looked in the mirror at her black mascara, which was now smudged all over her face. Danny was still in bed groaning and yawning. Jordin picked up her shoe and threw it at his head. GOAL! “ouch. You’re such a bitch”
“Danny would you get up. Do you want mom to know that we snuck out last night?”

The twins rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time. The only thing they had in common was their love for rebelling, partying and their protectiveness of each other.

Danny got up from his bed and scratched his brown hair, that all the girls loved.
It was the first day back to school after the summer holidays and the twins still weren’t done with their partying. They had been out last night at Heath’s birthday party. Heath was Danny’s best friend. They had been best friends for two years. Ever since the day that Heath backed Danny up during a fight between him and one of Jordin’s ex-boyfriends. That was also the day that Jordin realised Heath wasn’t just a friend. He was never just a friend. Their was always something about him that she found endearing.
“C’mon guys” shouted their dad.
As the twins walked downstairs, now dressed and smelling less like alcohol, the warm scent of homemade pancakes filled the air.
“PANCAKES”
“Danny, could you be any more of a loser?”
“Stop it Jordin.” said Mum. The twins sat at the table and ate their breakfast. Then just as Jordin was putting her dishes into the dishwasher, the doorbell rang. ‘Heath’. she thought to herself. She loved seeing Heath in the mornings before he got all sweaty and mucky from playing football. Danny like usual went to the door, leaving his dishes on the table. Jordin, like usual, picked them up and put them away. She then walked as quickly as she could to the door, barely saying bye to her parents in the process. The last thing she wanted was to be trailing along behind the boys as they all walked to school. The longer she got to spend with Heath, the more he would realise that she was the only girl for him.
“Hey Heath” she said. Doing the fluttering eyelash trick she had learned from her best friend Lauren.
“Hey Jord, whats up?”. The way he called her Jord just made her tummy burst with excitement.

At school, it was the usual excitement of the first day back. The new students confused, girls asking questions like, “when did you two break up” and boys checking out the girls that had changed over the summer. Heath and Danny were greeted by their horny male friends, with “sup’s and high fives, while Jordin was met at the front door by her three best friends in the world, lauren, lily and gracie.
Even though they had seen each other every day over the summer, the first day back always made her feel like she hadn’t seen them for months.
The school bell rand and the whole student body did their usual attempt at trying to fit through the door all together at the same time.

As they sat in English class, the 12th grade chatted among themselves while their nervous teacher, Mrs. Holly, who had suffered form a nervous breakdown the year before, wrote notes on the board.
They all talked about Heath’s party. Who hooked up, who broke up, who showed up uninvited. Everyone was enjoying the conversation except Danny, who was still pissed off over not getting to go into the closet with Lauren during a game of seven minutes in heaven. Instead, she and Heath got paired together, as usual. Danny knew that all the girls loved him. Well, all the girls except for the only girl that he wanted. Lauren was beautiful and funny and he could never help feeling happy while she was around. Heath and Lauren had always had a little connection. None of them wanted a serious relationship so they used each other as cheap flings. Danny couldn’t wait for the day that Heath would finally get a girlfriend and leave Lauren alone.
Mrs. Holly could hear the students’ conversation but was too worried of what they were capable of to correct them.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 27927
Reviews 532
Hello beckyfogarty,
Now, this was ok, but I really think you need less dialogue more description. Like here:
At school, it was the usual excitement of the first day back.

You could change it into a bit more, like what did it smell like? What were the noises? Why did it smell like that? ect.

I think you need a cliff-hanger type beginnning, and also is this just one short story? If it isn't you need to post it up in the novel section. If it is there was no action, it sounded like a first chapter leading up to something.

It's good, but just needs a few edits!
~Tamara
xoxo
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Becky! Welcome to YWS! Know why I'm reviewing this? Because I'm seventeen and from Ireland too. Which makes us both totally awesome.

One thing though- it's great you're getting involved in YWS, but I'd love to see you do some reviews. In fact, it's a little bit mandatory. The more reviews you do, the more you'll get. And if you expect to get any, then I suggest you do some! So! ;)

I. NITPICKS

“ouch. You’re such a bitch”


Capital "O" and full stop.

Danny got up from his bed and scratched his brown hair, that all the girls loved.


No comma needed.
“Stop it Jordin.”


You seem a bit confused concerning dialogue punctuation. So here is an article written by the lovely Demeter about it. Don't worry, everybody finds it hard until somebody explains it to them.

lauren, lily and gracie.


Capitals for names. Also, I love the name Gracie, always have.

Alright.

II. LET'S MAKE LISTS!

Look at this:

Millie walked over to the window. She looked out the window. She saw that Henry was coming in the gates. She walked to the door. She opened the door and went down the stairs to the hall. She walked across the hall and opened the front door. "Hello, Henry," she said.

Hardly thrilling, is it? But, try this:

Millie crossed the room to the window, looking for any sign of Henry. Sure enough, as she squinted into the morning light, she could see his figure making its way through her front gate. With a smile, she rushed down to the front door and opened it, her heart fluttering. He grinned as he approached. "Hello, Henry," she said.

Now which is better?

This is what's sometimes known as "Show and Tell" but it's really a whole number of things put together. Right now, your story reads like a list of actions that your characters did. Which it is, and all stories are! But you can make it more exciting. Rather than telling us about the characters, show us them, describe how they move, how they look while you tell the story. It makes it so much more interesting. And mess with sentence structure. You'd be amazed at how similar your sentences can seem when you actually take a look at them- and the effect this structure can have on your story. It contributes to making it look like a list. So mix it up!

III. OVERALL

You seem to have a good idea going on here :) The writing seemed a little juvenile for two teens who were out drinking vodka and are in the twelfth grade, the two don't quite match up. But I'm sure that can be fixed :)

Hope I helped, and if you need anything or have any questions, please feel free to PM me!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3816
Reviews 24
The first paragraph was sort of what my mornings go. It made me laugh! There are some things that you need to fix. Before each quotation add a period or a comma if the sentence continues. For example:
It's not: “Hello” Beth said. It's: “Hello,” Beth said.
Other than that, it was pretty good. Keep writing and remember, feel free to give reviews on other people's work. :)
“Take one fresh and tender kiss
Add one stolen night of bliss
One girl, one boy, some grief,
some joy Memories are made of this.”
Johnny Cash




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2233
Reviews 8
Yo. I'm here again, this is story is nice. As I'm not good in critique, i don't and I just read and see if i like it. And you passed the test.
A good story is something that is readable and understandable regardless of the length




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4728
Reviews 24
I really liked the idea of this story, it made me laugh. Everyone else pointed out most of your mistakes so I'll just say it needs more development haha, hope there's more. Vi :)
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

This love this Hate- Hollywood Undead




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
Hey,

Welcome to YWS! How are you liking it so far? I love it here! :) This was good and if this was the result of boredom, then you're a really good writer. Me + Boredom = 12 hours on YWS chat. Lol. Anyway, I liked this but as other people have said, you have to show not tell. Your format is sort of awkward and there are some grammar mistakes but for now the actual plot and story itself is more important. So we have two twins. You tell us that they are constantly fighting, yet they are fiercely protective of each other. That makes sense on a logical term but the way you stated it didn't make much sense. :) You should fix that and definitly show more, describe more, make us feel like we are with Jordan and Danny at the first day of school . This has potential, you just have to unlock it.

If you have any questions PM me :)

~Jasmine Bells
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~



The emperor is rich, but he can't buy another day.
— Chinese Proverb