I Survived

Paul draped his arm across my shoulders "Hey sis, let's go out tonight. Just you and me." I sighed and propped my feet up on the chair in front of me "What'd you do this time?" He shrugged "What does it matter?" He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He brought it to his lips and I snatched it from him. I held it in front of his face "Do you like black lungs?" He sighed "You're right sorry. So?" I reluctantly nodded.

He grinned widely and stood up. He pulled me to my feet "Come on. Let's go." I followed him out to his beat up blue truck and got in the passenger seat. He hopped in on his side and slammed the door. He turned the key in the ignition three times before it started. He pulled out of the driveway without looking behind him and I clutched the armrest and he chuckled "Relax Ali."

I tried relaxing but I couldn't so I tried to make it look like I was. I bit down hard on my thumbnail. Paul beat his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of some screamo song I've never heard of. I heard the honk of a truck and looked out Paul's window. The truck's lights were coming closer and closer to us. Paul looked out the window and back at me, his eyes wide. "Paul!" I heard myself scream.

He wretched his seat belt from it's clasp and threw himself on top of me. I felt a great impact and felt like I was spinning in circles. Paul held me in place tightly. I heard someone screaming and realized that it was myself. Another impact hit us and Paul went limp. "Paul!" I screamed again, my lungs felt like they were going to burst from how loudly a screeched. Everything went black. The next time I opened my eyes I saw Paul in front of me. Then I saw flashing lights and people standing around the wreck.

When I opened my eyes again lights blinded me. I looked around the unfamiliar room to see mom and dad sitting in the chairs next to me staring at the floor. I tried moving my arms but could only move my left one. Needles were stuck into me and I heard the beeping of the monitor. "Mom. Dad." I groaned. Mom looked up and began crying "Oh Ali! You're awake! I was so afraid."

I groaned sleepily "What happened? Where's Paul?" Dad flinched and said "You got into an accident. You were hit by a drunk driver and then again by someone you rolled into. Paul threw himself over you to protect you and-" His voice wavered. He cleared his throat and said "Paul died Ali." I felt a tear run down my cheek. I wiped it away but i only caused more tears to fall. Mom rested her hand over mine and said "You broke your right arm, your right leg, and two ribs. Paul's bones shattered because he was hit directly twice in a row by two powerful cars."

It felt like my chest was going to explode as I heaved tears. It was all my fault. I should have tried to stop him from going. He would have listened if I told him no to go. It became harder to breath and a nurse rushed in frantically trying to calm me. I tried to pull the needles out but the nurse grabbed my hands "Let me go! I don't deserve to live! Kill me! Just kill me!" She shot something into the tubes to the needles and I immediately calmed and I fell asleep.

Hi fictionfanatic.I loved your story. You wrote it beautifully and I could feel and picture everything happening there. For the dialogue, you can write them in singe-single line instead of squeezing them into paragraphs. I would love to read more. Just PM me when you come up with the next part.

He grinned widely and stood up. He pulled me to my feet "Come on. Let's go." I followed him out to his beat up blue truck and got in the passenger seat. He hopped in on his side and slammed the door. He turned the key in the ignition three times before it started. He pulled out of the driveway without looking behind him and I clutched the armrest and he chuckled, "Relax Ali."


I tried relaxing but I couldn't, so I tried to make it look like I was. I bit down hard on my thumbnail. Paul beat his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of some screamo song I've never heard of. I heard the honk of a truck and looked out Paul's window. The truck's lights were coming closer and closer to us. Paul looked out the window and back at me, his eyes wide. "Paul!" I heard myself scream.


He wretched his seat belt from it's clasp and threw himself on top of me. I felt a great impact and felt like I was spinning in circles. Paul held me in place tightly. I heard someone screaming and realized that it was myself. Another impact hit us and Paul went limp. "Paul!" I screamed again, my lungs felt like they were going to burst from how loudly aI screeched. Everything went black. The next time I opened my eyes I saw Paul in front of me. Then I saw flashing lights and people standing around the wreck.

When I opened my eyes again, lights blinded me. I looked around the unfamiliar room to see mom and dad sitting in the chairs next to me staring at the floor. I tried moving my arms but could only move my left one. Needles were stuck into me and I heard the beeping of the monitor. "Mom. Dad." I groaned. Mom looked up and began crying "Oh Ali! You're awake! I was so afraid."


I groaned sleepily "What happened? Where's Paul?" Dad flinched and said "You got into an accident. You were hit by a drunk driver and then again by someone you rolled into. Paul threw himself over you to protect you and-" His voice wavered. He cleared his throat and said "Paul died, Ali." I felt a tear run down my cheek. I wiped it away but iI only caused more tears to fall. Mom rested her hand over mine and said "You broke your right arm, your right leg, and two ribs. Paul's bones shattered because he was hit directly twice in a row by two powerful cars."

It felt like my chest was going to explode as I heaved tears.

Beautiful line. I can really feel her agony and disgust. Good Job!

Hey there fiction!

I really liked your story! Your writing was putting images into my head, which is an extremely good thing to be able to do. I agree with shubhiloves2write when she says that you need to start a new line when it comes to dialogue. You need to start a new line every time someone different is talking!
Another thing I have to say is that you seem to jump from situation to situation. For example,

I tried to pull the needles out but the nurse grabbed my hands "Let me go! I don't deserve to live! Kill me! Just kill me!" She shot something into the tubes to the needles and I immediately calmed and I fell asleep.

It would be effective if you described the MC falling asleep.

I immediately calmed and I fell asleep.

You could describe the MC saying how everything begins to sound muffled, how her eyelids begin to feel heavy, e.t.c. Do you get what I mean?

Except for these minor issues, I really enjoyed your story. It was sad... But I still really liked it!

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

You described her pain very well. It's a really sad story, but realistic and it makes me want to grab my older brother and give him a big hug (although he'd probably punch me for it -_-)
I agree with the other comment about some parts needing more description, but other than that I think you did a wonderful job, especially with the emotions.

That was so sad , yet so good! The only advice I have is that you should start a new paragraph after each character speaks. Also, detail will be nice. This was a very touching story.