8th Grade bites (literally)

"I really wanted you to know that i think you're one of the prettiest girls in school, and I wanted to know if you'd go to Prom with me?"

Cara read the note to us in gym.I, personally think that a guy should be able to come up to you and ask, but no one else was criticizing but me.

"Lynne,why are you always have to be such a downer?" Kayla snapped at me.

Being the one in the group that didn't think that some guy asking you to prom by letter was totally romantic and that it didn't mean you two would be together forever made me look like a "Downer".

"I'm not," I protested,"I just think he could've asked face to face."

They all let out tired sighs (even Mac,who most of the time was on my side).

They resumed looking at the chicken-scratched note Billy Tyle'd given Cara, and i watched the basketball players. Jared had the ball,and was about to shoot it,until he looked over and caught me staring.

(Well, I personally wouldn't call it staring, but some like Cara or Mac or Kayla would.)

Anyway, he and I had one of our staring contests,only this time we stayed that way,him with the ball, and me in my super-small gym shorts.

There was always something really wrong with that guy,but i never could figure it out. But,it was wrong, in the right way?

Wait?Did that make sense?

Something about Jared Reynolds' gaze made my skin tingle. Made those fine hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Made-

"Lynne! Come AWN!! We'll be late for algebra!" Mackenzie snapped me out of my little world.

I looked over at her with a quick glance, then back toward Jared. He was already jogging toward the boys locker room.

Yeah,there was something about him.Something......



"And that, my dear Chickie's, is how I'm going to get Jerad to ask me out."

Kayla was giving her annual plan a workout on the way home. She always did come up with these stupid plans.Every.Year.

Cara laughed, "Do you Honestly think he's going to fall for that stupid plan?"

Mac chimed in, "Yeah,if anything, he's taking Lynne to the formal.

That brought me back from staring at Jared's dimples as he smiled at Austin putting a fake spider on Laura Miller's backpack,and her screaming her head off.

"What?! No-um-n-no!I can't believe you would even think that I like him.I mean-"

My protest was cut short by their laughter.I turned beet-red. I did not like him. He wasn't even my type.

"Hey,ease up on that blush,Ly, or someone might think you're lying." Cara chimed in tauntingly.She and Mac shared a laugh. Kayla, on the other hand, was not so humored.

"Yeah,they just might." She said turning her face away from me slightly and to the window. The others saw what had happened, and clammed up instantly.

I didn't like Jared. There was just something about him that made me wander.The whole gap-one-day-presto-change-o-gone thing was definitely a mystery.I loved solving things.Knowing knew things.I knew one thing,though.I knew that that "something" he had wasn't worth losing my friend over.

Hi. My name is Crescent. I shall be possibly your first reviewer for this piece. I liked the plot but the errors were a bit distracting. You kept on forgetting to put space. It was really bothering me. I might sound mean, and I'm sorry if I do.

Here are some of the things I found:

"I really wanted you to know that i think you're one of the prettiest girls in school, and I wanted to know if you'd go to Prom with me?"

Capitialise your "I"'s.

I, personally think that a guy should be able to come up to you and ask, but no one else was criticizing but me.

This sentence doesn't flow well. There's no need for a comma after "I". I'd personally would swap "but me" with "besides me" or write it as "but I was the only one criticising."

"Lynne,why are you always have to be such a downer?" Kayla snapped at me.

Space between the comma after "Lynne" and "why". Take out the "have to be" if you want Kayla to speak proper English or leave it in if she's going to talk like how people in real life sometimes speak.

They all let out tired sighs (even Mac,who most of the time was on my side).

To make this sentence run more smoothly, write it as "even Mac, who was on my side most of the time".

They resumed looking at the chicken-scratched note Billy Tyle'd given Cara, and i watched the basketball players. Jared had the ball,and was about to shoot it,until he looked over and caught me staring.

Do you mean Billy Tyler or is his last name really Tyle? Capitalise the "I". No comma after "ball" or "shoot it".

There was always something really wrong with that guy,but i never could figure it out. But,it was wrong, in the right way?

Capitalise "I". What do you mean there was always something really wrong with Jared, I thought she liked him?

"Lynne! Come AWN!! We'll be late for algebra!" Mackenzie snapped me out of my little world.

"AWN!!" should be "ON!!!" if you want to use proper English. "algebra" should be capitalised because it is a subject even though it may not deserve capitalisation.

He was already jogging toward the boys locker room.

Aposrophe after "boy" in "boys".

"And that, my dear Chickie's, is how I'm going to get Jerad to ask me out."

No aposraphe after "chickie" in "chickie's". You had a typo and spelled "Jared" into "Jerad".

Mac chimed in, "Yeah,if anything, he's taking Lynne to the formal.

You forgot the " after Mac's sentence.

That brought me back from staring at Jared's dimples as he smiled at Austin putting a fake spider on Laura Miller's backpack,and her screaming her head off.

No comma after "backpack".

The others saw what had happened, and clammed up instantly.

No comma after happened.

There was just something about him that made me wander.

Do you possibly mean "wonder"?

[quote]I loved solving things.Knowing knew things.[/quote"]
"knew" should be "new" and you could combine these two sentences, though technically "Knowing knew things." is a clause so "I loved solving things, knowing new things." would be more suitable.

Question(s):
How would this clich be in 8th grade if they're getting asked to prom? Is that something in your country that happens? In mine, only high school seniors get to attend a prom. Middle school kids only go to dances.

Sorry if I was mean. I didn't mean to be mean if I hurt your feelings or anything. I know that feeling, like when you write an awesome piece then people are like, "You did this wrong!!!". I liked the storyline and the struggles. I'm wondering if Jared is a vampire now because of your title... *Likes* Happy writing!

Okay, there are a ton of typos in this. Crescent already addressed most of them. My biggest issue is with the commas. For example:

There was always something really wrong with that guy,but i never could figure it out.

Remember to always put a space after the comma. Throughout this, you constantly forget to do that.

Second, you introduce approximately nine characters in the first chapter. This is, like, seven too many. I get the feeling that you are writing this about your actual middle school experiences, but that does not mean that you need to introduce every person in your middle school that you come to contact with. Combine some of them. Instead of having six close friends (or whatever), only have three. Having so many characters makes it impossible for your reader to form an attachment to any of them. All of the characters become flat and boring as a result - they basically become the same character except in name.

Lastly, Lynne's baby crush on Jared is poorly explained. I can't tell whether she thinks he's creepy or she is totally in love with him. Your goal may be to create confusion, but you do a poor job of it.

Sorry if that was cruel, but this needs a combination of cruelty and extreme editing to make it at all readable. To be honest, the errors and poor explaining made it very hard to read. Oh, and if this has to do with vampires, I'd suggest starting over. Completely.

Cheers,
Lena

Hi, antaseaD! I shall be your reviewer for today .

I'm not going to go into the grammatical errors since crescent all ready did that for you, but I just want to say I like the plot idea a lot. I mean, I'm not a huge vampire fan (which I'm guessing this is about, considering the title? Ignore this if I'm wrong), but it's still nice. There's only four tiny problems I found that no one spotted:

Cara laughed, "Do you Honestly think he's going to fall for that stupid plan?"

Honestly shouldn't be capitalized.

I turned beet-red.

I don't think there should be a hyphen between beet and red.

(Well, I personally wouldn't call it staring, but some like Cara or Mac or Kayla would.)

I personally wouldn't put this in parenthesis, but it's your choice .

Lastly, bites and literally in your title should be capitalized. The first letter of every word in the title, unless it's an article (e.g. the, an, a, and, or....), is always capitalized.

Good job! PM me if you need anything .
~~Lee-Anna

Hi there! I like your work and you did a SPLENDERIFIOUS job!! You need to have spaces in most places (I wont spell them out for you!) and your narrator uses too many ( &)s!! Maybe you should say I thought and italisize them. That's not too hard is it? I think you could use a little revising. What do the characters look like? Are there any things in the past which gives him the right to not like Jared? These are just some of the questions I want to know. Great job!
~Sionarama