short excerpt from my story

*removed

Hm, well I found this to be interesting! Not much I can say since it's so short, other than I like the tone of the piece overall; it's just very simple and succinct, which I enjoy. Now, impressions of the characters...

Adele - I get the feeling that she's a bit of a spoiled drama queen, and that there's much more to her that's yet to be seen.

Jacqueline - staunch maid (that's just what came to mind when you said "mistress," not sure if it's correct), who's been deceived by Adele's personality so far.

I look forward to seeing where you go with this, and what happens. Please PM me when you post more!

Hey, I'm here to review your piece. I'll start with some grammar then move on to the story itself.

This left her eyes suitably red and tear stained for the many condolences she received
following.

Her eyes wouldn't be tear stained, her cheeks would be tearstained.

Haha, never mind, there wasn't much to correct on grammar at all. Good!

Anyways, this was an interesting piece. First I'd like to say that the opening sentence is good, but it could be improved. Yes, she cried at her father's funeral, but I think you could give us more of a hook, more of a reason to read on. People have read many books about girls who cry at their father's funeral. Give us more!

I agree with the person who posted above, Adele did seem kind of spoiled. I think she could've been more appreciative of the people comforting her, but that might only be my opinion. It could add to her personality, so I think you could build on Adele's personality a bit more.

Other than that, I think this is a very nice piece. Good work.

Just a quickie...

Your first sentence is kinda.. Eh. "Adele DuPont cried at her father's funeral."
Aight, I feel like you are giving away too much. Maybe make it a mystery who died, at least for a second. Like don't reveal that her dad died immediately.
Also, isn't it kind of a no-brainer that she cried at her daddy's funeral? I mean, I don't know anyone who wouldn't die at their dad's funeral.. It's totally stating the obvious. Just sort of, er, dumb-ish.

Hope that was helpful,
Lena

Thank you guys, it's always nice to get more reviews.

Yeah, haha I guess you could call Adele spoiled. Mostly, though, she's just completely amoral.

It's probably not good that I don't write sequentially, because while I know why a character is doing something or why something may be important, you guys don't, because you haven't seen what has happened before this.

Because you see, Adele felt nothing at all about her father's death. She doesn't cry, save for when it can be useful to manipulate people or cast herself in a certain light. She only cried for the sake of appearance; she's French high society of the 1910s. And we have known that her father is dead for probably like a chapter or two by now. Sorry, I know most peoples' posts are usually the very beginnings of their work, and it is probably a lot harder to review something of which I have given you no clue of its context. Thanks for the reviews