The Teddy Bear

Any sequel requests?

First off, I want to say that the central idea of this is simply beautiful.

However, please do not write a sequel. I find it really strange that you are even begging for people to suggest for you to do a sequel on this. Some stories are better left the way they are. This is a prime example of that. Its like the Planet of the Apes (I'm hoping you've seen that). The first movie was amazing. Nuff said. Then, after the success of the first one, the people continued to make sequels, all of which were nothing compared to the first. Not only were the horrible, but they sort of took away the glory from the first movie. So do not write a sequel. This story ends beautifully as it is, no need for a sequel.

Now we must discuss some issues with the story.

First off, I feel that some parts of it just aren't realistic. For example, the way the soldiers call the people "rebels." I don't know what point in history that this took place, but I can almost guarantee that there was never a war-ish-thing where the soldiers called the people rebels like that. It just isn't realistic.

Also, the soldiers would not simply disobey their captain, and they especially wouldn't shoot him in the face. Even if it was their kid. The girl's father would have been sh*t outa luck. The captain probably wouldn't even be in the house at all. Only a couple soldiers would be searching a single house. So, to add realism, I would have the father searching the house with another soldier and then find the girl. He'd shoot his partner. Then hide the girl to come back for her later or something, I dunno.

tears streaming down her ashen, and bloodied cheeks.

the comma here is unnecessary.

"Are you giving me an order?" the Captain said, in a calm voice.

Why would he be calm? I'd be utterly pissed if one of my soldiers back-talked me like that.

The shot boomed like a cannon.

I'm sorry, but this comparison is somewhat pathetic. It's like saying: "the shot boomed like a gun." Haha, weird.

"Daddy?" she said, reaching out for the it. The teddy bear stained in the blood of her mother.

You don't need to mention that the bear has blood on it. You've already told the reader this enough times.

the cries of the rebels a dirge of mournful music.

Not only does this phrase not make any sense, but to say a "dirge of mournful music" is silly because the definition of dirge basically is mournful music!

But hey, don't let me get you down. This really is a beautiful piece. I wish I could've come up with that idea myself.

Keep writing. PM for questions/comments.
Cheers,
Lena

Thanks.

And sorry for the setting confusion.

The entire thing is set outside. The stair case is one of those outdoor ones. And, yeah, I guess I should address the fact that this thing is set in the future. Hm, what word could I substitute 'rebels' with? Perhaps the soldiers were just militia. Wait, that still makes them soldiers. I think.

Alright.

*Will fix the issues of the story at some point. Currently busy with an outrageous amount of school assignments*

You don't have to substitute the word "rebels" with anything. Just remove it completely.

ie:
"Show yourself!" instead of "Show yourself, Rebel!" (I dunno if you used this exact dialogue in your story, ha) But anyway, the second one is obviously more realistic.

And if the soldiers were militia? In my opinion, it doesn't add much to the realism. They still wouldn't kill their Captain unless he was, like, leading them on a suicide mission. Militias are spawned by nationalism, or when the people are so devoted to their country and their cause that they are willing to quit being farmers or whatever and fight as almost-soldiers.

You COULD assume that they were mercenaries, who have no loyalty to their leaders, really. Although they wouldn't act so unprofessional, either. I dunno xD

HA! Yeah, mercenaries allow a lot of flexibility. Those bloody fellows love their pay checks.

Thanks, I never thought about that.

For some reason I'm seeing an image of mercenaries scavenging for wallets on dead people. Even their own fallen fellow mercs.