Black Waves

I honestly can't find a little box to categorize my story, so I'm posting it here. It's actually really short, just a little flash. Alas, it's here, it's done, and I would like some feedback.





His voice was strangely monotone, as if what he was saying was nothing more than a line. As if he was nothing more than an actor, cursed to a certain destiny by the whim of an unseen author. But did the author ever stop to contemplate the soul behind the name? Did he ever stop and think about the person behind the character? Their pain? Their dreams? Their hopes? Or did he, with a flourish of his pen, damn one to die and another to live?

His eyes were focused solely on the table, not even lifting to respond to my questions. His hair bothered me. It was styled like every other day I had seen him, the black waves crashing and peaking like a stormy sea. His hair looked normal—his actions were anything but.

He twitched, his hands shaking as he answered my questions. I reached out, covering his hand with mine, quelling the movement. I laughed, the sound short and false, as I told him it bothered me. As if this unrealistic scene was all some joke; any minute he would laugh it off and everything would turn back to normal. I didn't know what else to do, what else to say. For what do you do—what do you say—when someone tells you that they lost their mind?

I liked this a lot. The last line was very good. I don't have anything else to say but I think you deserve to know that I thought this was a great piece. damn, good job ! actually, no, I'm gonna put in some criticism because I do have a little bit. I thought the style in which you wrote this got a little melodramatic sometimes. For example:

nothing more than an actor, cursed to a certain destiny by the whim of an unseen author.

This line to me sounds over worked and a little amateurish, mainly because of the words "nothing more", "cursed", and "whim". I think you could find a better way of putting this sentence but still present the same idea. There were other lines where I had this problem, but I guess it's a pretty minor thing. I liked this a lot overall.

Ok, going back to what I said above, I think the emotions you create would be stronger if you sort of contrasted them with the language. Like make the language simpler so that these deeper emotions get the foreground.

That's it. :D Good job.

This was very well written - Nice work!

My only issue was with the first paragraph. I might be just dumb or something, but I really didn't get it. It was kind of a "wtf?" moment for me.
However, to make up for that, the last line was great. It totally answered most of my questions (which were like "what the heck is going on here?)

Nice work. Hope to see more in the future.

Thank you both for your reviews!

okkervilpuddle:
The sentence you mentioned was one that I wrote and re-wrote, which probably gave it that overworked feeling. I see your point on toning the words down at bit and letting the emotions shine through.

Lena.Wooldridge:
I was worried that some would be confused about the first paragraph. You see, this was first written on my cell phone. This happened to me in real life-- one way to I guess understand it was to put it into writing. That's why it lacks a strong background, I originally wrote it just for me, and I already knew the ending. I'm glad that your confusion was cleared up by the end!

Hey there, sorry it took me a little while to get to your story!

Anyways, it's very short, but you did a great job with it.

Anna09 wrote: His voice was strangely monotone, as if what he was saying was nothing more than a line. As if he was nothing more than an actor, cursed to a certain destiny by the whim of an unseen author. But did the author ever stop to contemplate the soul behind the name? Did he ever stop and think about the person behind the character? Their pain? Their dreams? Their hopes? Or did he, with a flourish of his pen, damn one to die and another to live?

Okay, there are two things about this paragraph that I wanted to point out.

First, you start off by equating him to an actor being fed his line by an author (I don't know if that would be the right word, either. I think just the generic "writer" would suffice). Then you start to focus on the author, putting the other guy on the shelf for a moment. Now, I'm not saying this is bad, I'm just thinking that it's a bit distracting. However, it does do a good job of building up the intrigue.

The second thing is that you ask whether the author thinks about his character; then you start referring to the author's character in plural form:
Did he ever stop and think about the person behind the character? Their pain? Their dreams? Their hopes? Or did he, with a flourish of his pen, damn one to die and another to live?

Where'd the second person come from? That threw me off a bit at first.


Your ending was good; everything else that I read leading up to it all makes sense now. So, I'm not sure what you're hoping to do with this, but I think you've got a lot of potential with it. Keep up the good work!