Dream or Reality ?

It’s raining the cords out there.

I just got back from work…Hard day…They fired me.

Flashback.

"Mrs.Nate you can't work here anymore.

What ? Why ?

Always late. Stressing.Paranoid.Bad work.

I can change.

No it's too late.Please take your stuffs. "

I didn't wait.

I didn't care.

I just stood up and left the room.

What a day !

I close my eyes trying to forget everything I went trough during this week.

As I opened them again a pill of bills letter is fixing me, with a diabolic thing. Turned my head to watch something else.

The kitchen is a real mess but i'm too tired to clean it up.

I’ve got to take a shower.

Though is real cold…I’m sweating like a pig.

Have a feeling something’s coming.

Anyways….Catch a towel while passing in the bedroom.

Heading to the bath room… an icy wind paralyses me.

I don’t remember to have left this window opened.

Must be mistaken.

I close it and carry on my way.

The water is hot...Invigorating.

I'm done...Calmer now.

Oh Crap what was that?

Someone’s out there.

I Grab the towel and wrap it around me.

Walking with precaution.

Nobody.

But I can hear two hearts in the room.

Mine and another one.

Where are you? Who are you?

Nothing.

I take a knife from near the oven.

My heart is racing.

I can’t hear my own thoughts.

Imagination…

No.

A big black thing jumps on me.

Eyes closed.

Deep breath.

Slowly I open them.

It’s a cat.


Had the fear of my life for that.

Smiling.

Laughing.

So funny.

Then,pain.The most awful i'll ever know.

He used the knife i dropped earlier.

My back's hurting.

The towel’s turning red.

It was a trap.

For disturbing me ?

For keeping his indentity ?

He was hiding somewhere.

I can hear him laughing nastily.

It’s the last thing I remember.

Black.

Black.

Everything’s black.

I’m stuck in a heavy thing.

No sound.

Nothing.

All alone.

Mary, Mary

Trying to talk.

Yes.

You’re safe now.

Thank God.

I was dreaming.

What a dream.

O Late for work.

But where am I ?

Where are we?

Hospital.

Darkness again.

Here as requested, Slandie! I'll try not to manage my words, lol, but here are my thoughts on "Dream or Reality"!


Chat/MSN speak:
Reading chat speak in a story is a little annoying because it always takes me longer to figure out what you're saying. Which isn't good because I want to be bam! on the next part, seeing what comes next, not a couple of seconds behind, decoding what you've just put.
While what you've got here isn't as bad as, say, "cba", "thnx", "dis", ... and various others I can't be bothered to name, it can still be improved upon!

Sooo funny.

You don't need lots of "ooo"s to stress the word "so", just stick it in italics.

OOooooo Late for work.

I wasn't even sure what you wre going for with all the "oo"s...

:) ;} ;]

Smilies in stories ... uh uh, not good.


Lack of description:
It lets this piece down a lot. Which is a shame because, fleshed out, this could be quite good. But without the description, I'm not really getting a picture in my head, I'm not getting as tense or excited as I should, and I don't really connect to your character as much.
And I'm left with quite a few questions:

Just got back from work…Hard day…They fired me.

Why was the MC fired? What else does she think about it? Maybe you could have them remembering a scene or two of when they were fired?

But I can hear two hearts in the room.

Mine and his.

How does the MC know the intruder is a guy?


A few parts I loved: (mainly because they creeped me out )

The kitchen is a real mess but too tired to clean it up.

Okay, that didn't creep me out, lol, but I can so relate!

But I can hear two hearts in the room.

Mine and his.

Where are you? Who are you?

Nothing.

Yeah, this is creepy. Love. C:

The towel’s turning red.

Ew, blood, gross. But boy, does my imagination love that.


Overall:
I don't know if you were aiming for this or not, but it feels more like you've noted down the thoughts of your MC. I kind of like this, because it's original sounding, yet at the same time I'd love to see more description. This was certainly an improvement, this piece - no that the other was that bad or anything, but I do like this idea more, because it made me keep reading and keep guessing. So ... there's an intruder ... oh, wait; the intruder's the cat ... oh no! No, actually there really was an intruder ... and it's .. all a dream? No, not a dream, wait ... Oh dear.. Ha ha.
Keep on writing!
~Emma

Hey EmmaJane,

Thnx for your advice.Once again you got it.So I made some changes and about this " So ... there's an intruder ... oh, wait; the intruder's the cat ... oh no! No, actually there really was an intruder ... and it's .. all a dream? No, not a dream, wait ... Oh dear.. Ha ha. " It was exactly the idea.
Thanks again.
You're helping me a lot.

Slandie

Hi! Alright, I can kind of see what you wanted to do here from what you just posted... and I'm sorry, but you didn't pull it off. What you ended up with was a rather confusing jumble.However, you show promise, and this story might make it yet if you do some major editing. Here's what I suggest (corrections and notes in bold, * = I took out a word):

It’s raining the cords out there.

I just got back from work.Hard day.They fired me.

Flashback.

*Mrs.Nate, you can't work here anymore. * (Make it italic, it's easier to understand.)

What ? Why ?

Always late. Stressing.Paranoid.Bad work.

I can change.

No, it's too late.Please take your stuff*. *

Didn't wait.

Didn't care.

*

What a day !

I close my eyes, trying to forget everything I went through * this week.

As I opened them again a pill of bills is fixing me, with a diabolic thing. Turned my head to watch something else. (I don't understand this at all. Please rewrite this sentence. What's a pill of bills?)

The kitchen is a real mess but I'm too tired to clean it up.

I’ve got to take a shower.

Though it's real cold,I’m sweating like a pig.

Why do I have a feeling something’s coming? (this sounds better)

I catch a towel while passing through the bedroom.

I head to the bathroom,but an icy wind momentarily paralyzes me.

I don’t remember leaving this window open*.

I must be mistaken.

I close it and carry on my way.

The water is hot and it* vivifies ( I don't remember wht vivify means, but vivi is the latin root for cut... I'm thinking you'll need a different word here) my skin.

I'mdone, and calmer now.

* What was that? (italics here, it's in her head.)

Someone’s out there.

I grab the towel and wrap it around me.

I walk cautiously.

I see nobody.

But I can hear two hearts in the room.

*

"Where are you? Who are you?"

Nothing.

I take a knife from near the oven.

My heart is racing.

I can’t hear my own thoughts.

Imagination?

No.

Something jumps on me.

Eyes closed.

Deep breath.

Slowly I open them.

It’s a cat.


Had the fear of my life for that.

Smiling.

Laughing.

So funny.

Then, pain. The most awful I'll ever know. (Here, I reworded this for you. Sounds cooler, no?)

The towel’s turning red.

It was a trap …He was out there.

I can hear him laughing nastily. (These two sentences really get to me. First: it was not a trap. Second: who is "He" and why did he stab her? Also, how? You say he is outside, and cats cannot stab. You definitely need to rewrite these)

It’s the last thing I remember.

Black.

Black.

Everything’s black.

*

No sound.

Nothing.

All alone.

Mary? Mary?

Trying to talk.

"Yes?"

You’re safe now.

Thank God.

I was dreaming.

What a dream.

Then I must be late for work.

But where am I ?

"Where are we?"

Hospital.

Darkness again.


* (Never, ever caps lock in a story.Especially when you don't need that sentence to be there anyway.)

Ok, there's your wonderful review.
Please work on this! If you can shape it up, it can actually be quite good.

--Dreamy

Thanks for your advice...I did use some here.
What do you think about it now ??Is it more clear ??

Slandie

Well, you clarified the trap part, which is good. However, you still have lots of spellings and grammar mistakes, and I still don't understand the pill of bills line. Also, I see you took my advice with the italics. However, you need to be consistent with them. You're getting there! Keep working!

--Dreamy

i enjoyed the sort of twist at the end, when it wasnt the cat
and the lack of description could be good and could be bad.
in shorter stories like this i like less description cause i like to imagine a lot of it myself
but others may not agree..
well done anywaysss!

Thanks.........
*_*