Love and Music

deleted for entry into a contest

I thought it was lovely. Especially the first paragraph when you talk about the different types of music.

The final two paragraphs seem rather abrupt; the piece likes being moody, but you rip it away and make everything fine, just fine. And that's like "real life," I suppose, but it's not much like fiction, because fiction hates snap-turns.

It's quite good, though. I enjoyed it. Eloquent and heartfelt.

Prokaryote

My lovely lovely Cars. =D

She claims she needs it, but I don’t understand why.

I think you should maybe speficy that "it" is the music, because it took me a few nanoseconds longer to understand than the other words.

despite myself, I make a mental note to throw it in the wash later.

This isn't clear enough either in my opinion... why despite herself? What does it mean in this case? Could it be focused?

My mother is violin-and-electric-guitar. She’s fast, dramatic, and she doesn’t stop or look back. I’m an afterthought -- the one who stays behind and picks up the pieces.

I don't know why I had the feeling that since the description of her mother is music-related, hers should be one, as well. I like the afterthought thing, but it doesn't seem to be equally comparable to violin-and-electric-guitar.

“Do you want to learn how to make bread?” she asks, letting me know that I’m forgiven. We will not mention the fight again.

To me, everything after "asks" was unneeded, because it was crystal clear to me that what she said was the sign of relenting. Maybe it's different for other people, but I don't need it. =D


But don't mind these nitpicks! I mean, do, but they don't mean anything! Because the overall atmosphere was indeed lovely – not as lovely as you though – and it was very pleasant to read. You captured the moment well.

<333

Hey there, here is that review you requested. Hopefully it helps!

She claims she needs the right kind of music to help her cook: jazz and salsa mean wild, spicy flavors; oldies mean comfort foods; death metal means an experiment, and you better get out fast before you become her taste-testing guinea pig.

I love this characterization of the mother, it is funny.

“Could you turn down your music?” I ask hesitantly. “I can hear it upstairs.” New paragraph here. She turns the volume dial without looking at me. When she’s angry at me, she doesn’t hide it; when she’s hurt, she shows it in jerky motions, in cold glances, in the tears that are right now sliding off the bridge of her nose and into the bread dough. I hate it. New paragraph here. “Listen,” I say, “I didn’t mean what I said last night.” I want to make her listen to me, but after our fight, she has every right not to. “I’m sorry.” I mean it, but I don’t know if I can say anything else; the constant stream of thoughts and emotions running through my mind has never been translatable into words.

Make sure that each time a new character does or says something new that you start a new paragraph.

My mother finally turns around and blows her nose on the kitchen towel. I make a mental note to throw it in the wash later.

You'll see that I changed the semi-colon to a period.

I seem to always get lost in the applause that follows the show.

I like how you contrast the mother and daughter, I thought it was very clever.

I do. I move in next to her, and she shows me how to knead the dough, how to caress and nurture it so it rises up strong and beautiful. New paragraph here. “Like caring for a child,” she adds, glancing at me quickly out of the corner of her eye to make sure I get it. She turns up the volume on the radio, because she needs music. I don’t understand that. With each soft whump of dough, ding of the metal bowl on the counter, and tick of the oven timer, we make our own.

I love the ending, with the sounds of cooking becoming your own music.



Characters: I think you do a very good job of showing how they work internally. All I'd really like is a bit more description of their physical appearance. Perhaps to accentuate their differing personalities you could have the mother with messy hair, her clothes in disarray, and the daughter bordering OCD with her appearance. Other than that, I feel like your characters are very well-developed and I see them as real people.

Setting: I think you do a good job of showing us what the kitchen looks and sounds like. But since it is the kitchen, could you describe how it smells? Just help us feel like we are in the kitchen kneading bread right next to your characters.

Overall: My only real complaint is that you could have built more tension between the mother and daughter. What did they fight about? What did the daughter say that made the mother cry? I just felt like there should be more conflict, instead of the way the fight was almost presented as if they were discussing the weather. Does that make sense? Other than that, I thought you wrote quite eloquently, and I really enjoyed reading this piece. Keep writing!

Hey Mars!

Is it possible to knead bread dough without using your hands?

kneading bread dough with her hands

This is a Captain Obvious kind of a deal.
There's a grammatical error here:

you better get out fast before you become her taste-testing guinea pig

It should be: You had better get out....
This needs some clarification:

She claims she needs it

What is "it"?
There should be a new paragraph after "I can hear it upstairs" in the second paragraph.
This sentence needs work:

the tears that are right now sliding off the bridge of her nose and into the bread dough

I would write it as: "...The tears, just like now, that are sliding off the bridge of her nose and into the bread dough"
There should also be a new paragraph after "I hate it." in the Second paragraph.
A general rule of thumb: When you are starting a new dialogue thingy, make a new paragraph.
The word "translatable" doesn't really work here.

emotions running through my mind has never been translatable into words.

"transferable" or something else would be better here.

Overall, it was very, very well written. However, there isn't really a plot line. The reader is left wondering about a lot of things.

PM for questions
Cheers,
-Lena