Guardian Angel

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Go ahead, tear her apart! (Sorry it's a little long. It's not even the whole prologue, but I couldn't post half of half a prologue.)

Prologue

An eerie mist was settling on the trail I was following. Its dampness clung to me, causing me to shiver with every chilly breeze. I pulled my hood up to shield my hair from the wetness. It did nothing to protect me from the cold, unfortunately.
The full moon was my only source of light. It casted long shadows of the surrounding trees across the ground. They made it feel like I was in the middle of a horror movie. Another shiver ran down my spine, but not because of the cold. All that was needed was an owl’s hoot and it would be a classic Snow White scene. Well, with the exception that I’m not running away from cute little forest animals.
I checked my watch. It read eleven-forty-one. I was late. My parents would be worrying about me by now. I should have taken the car instead of walking. I would have been home by now, blogging on my computer. Now, instead of going straight to my bedroom, I would have to endure a lecture about responsibility. If only I had driven!
A crackle of broken branches came from behind me, breaking the silence. I whirled around; trying to catch a glimpse of whomever was behind me. But I couldn’t see anything. The mist was too thick. I only saw the moonlight’s radiant glow on nearby rocks and tree trunks. After scanning the path twice and not seeing anyone I decided I was being paranoid and it was probably just an animal. I turned back around and continued walking.
Another breeze blew through the trees, making me shiver again. I crossed my arms over my chest, attempting to keep my hands warm by placing them under my arms. I wished I had brought my gloves.
Snap.
I stopped. I could hear muted footsteps behind me. And they were definitely human. So much for the animal theory. I was definitely being followed. And whoever was following me didn’t want me to know.
“Hello?” I called out. No answer. Fear began to trickle into my system. My breathing quickened, my pulse sped, and my icy palms began to sweat. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, each beat an eighth note. I stood there, frozen. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t hear any more movement, but what if they were still there? My first instinct was to run. But what if they were faster? What if I tripped? Then another thought hit me.
What if I wasn’t being followed and it was just someone else walking home?
Me and my wild imagination. It was probably just another person walking home. They were probably just as scared as I was now because of my paranoia. Why was I cursed with such an imagination?
I began walking again, my legs no longer frozen in place. Sure enough, no sounds came from behind me. Whoever was behind me before was probably walking at a farther distance from me now. I felt bad for scaring them. Maybe if I turned around and—
“Got you.”
Before I could build up a good shriek a rough hand covered my mouth, muffling whatever noise I would have made. Another hand grasped both my wrists and pulled them behind my back. My shoulders screamed in protest and I yelped in pain. The hand pressed down on harder on my mouth, silencing it. I struggled to move the hand so I could breathe.
“Shhh!” my attacker hissed in my ear, his hot breath tickling me. I didn’t make another noise. I was too stricken with terror to.
I felt his grip tighten on my wrists. Then, without warning, my feet were off the ground. He was lifting me by the arms! There was a sickening snap from my right wrist, one that could only be described as a twig being snapped in two. I heard the break before I felt it. But a moment later I could have died. The pain! Oh my God! It felt like he had stuck a knife in my forearm and kept inching it up towards my elbow. The knife kept moving in my arm, tearing up my muscle and veins. I felt his grip tighten on my broken wrist, forcing a scream from me. Tears stung my eyes, blurring what little I could see.
“Shut up you stupid bitch!” he sneered. I bit my lip, cutting my scream off. His hand still gripped my wrist much too tightly. I was still up in the air. My feet were free, nothing stopping them from flailing. My only hope for escape showed itself.
I lifted my left foot, praying that I could get a good enough kick so he would release me. I put more pressure on my wrists, making myself wince from the shooting pain. I swung my left leg once and then rammed it into his groin.
He grunted, and then crumpled to the ground. Apparently I had hit my target. I felt my feet hit the ground and immediately tried to run. His grip loosened the tiniest bit, but not enough for me to gain advantage. I kicked my foot at him again, desperately hoping to hit him in the arm or face. With another grunt after my foot connected with him he released my wrists, setting me free. I began to sprint away from him faster than I had ever sprinted before.
I realized after a moment I was running in the wrong direction. He had turned us around, so now I was running back the way I came. But I didn’t care. He could be up and running after me by now. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t turn around. I would run out into the middle of the street and scream for help. Someone would surely hear me. They had to. Or else I might have to run down the entire street to one of the convenience stores.
“You fucking cunt! Get back here!” I heard his husky voice yell from behind me. I was startled at how close he sounded. A scream escaped from my lips. Maybe someone would hear it. I didn’t know how close to the street I was, but that scream was loud. Hopefully it was loud enough to reach a passing car.
“Guys! She’s coming your way!” I heard my chaser yell from not too far behind me. I only had a second to panic about there being other men trying to catch me before I ran into a tree and fell backwards. My broken wrist slammed against the dirt, sending a throbbing ache up my arm. Tears filled my eyes and streaked down my face.
“Don’t worry. I got her,” another deep voice said. Terror seized me, making my muscles freeze. I blinked the tears away to what was the worst thing I could have seen. Another man. One so big and buff one could easily mistake him for a tree.
His eyes were the only feature of his that I could see. They were a pale blue, cold. I watched as they grazed up and down my body, pausing at my more private areas. They shined in the moonlight, reflecting the beams I once thought were beautiful. Now they were just a perfect fit to a horror scene. Tears filled my eyes again.
“Good job,
“Stupid bitch! She kicked me!” I heard my first attacker say.
“Oh, she’s feisty, is she?” the second one stated. He knelt down beside me, his face looming just inches from mine. I turned my head away, not wanting to look at him.
“Hey, did I say you could look away?” he growled in my ear. I felt a rough hand grab my chin and force my head to turn back and face his. His eyes bored into mine, seeming to enjoy my stubbornness.
“Where are the others?” My first attacker asked. My body tensed and a frightened squeak left my lips. There were more of them?!
“They’re coming,” he answered. “Now, what happened here?” I felt his other hand close around my injured wrist, forcing another whimper from me.
“I don’t know. She broke her wrist,” the other one answered. The kneeling man brought it closer to his face, examining the damage.
“How did she break her wrist?” he demanded.
“How should I know?!” the other one shot.
“Oh well. I guess it doesn’t matter, anyway. She won’t feel it for much longer.” He released my wrist and it fell back onto the ground. A short scream broke from my mouth, immediately stopping when a hand clamped over my mouth.
“Shut the fuck up!” the kneeling man spat. His hand fell away from my face and I watched him stand. He was huge! At least seven feet tall with cropped hair and a square head. I couldn’t make out any details, he was just a silhouette. I watched as he raised his foot high. It loomed right over my face. I knew what was coming, but I only had a split second to think about it before his foot came down hard on my face.
I felt the blood gushing down my cheeks and chin before I felt the pain. The sticky liquid trickled into my mouth as I breathed. I spat it all back out, hating the metallic taste on my tongue. Throbbing pain spread throughout my head after a moment, and my tears mixed with my blood. Turning my head away from them, I let the blood drip onto the dirt. I was losing so much of it. The amount of sticky substance running down my cheek was scary. If these guys didn’t kill me loss of blood surely would. Horror coursed through me as I realized this. Tonight was going to be my dying night.
Tonight was going to be my last night. I would never see the light of day again. I would never have another birthday again. No more parties. No more Christmases. I would never have another boyfriend. I would never get married and have kids. I would never see my friends again. I would never see my family again. I was going to die tonight, and I was so unprepared. There was so much I still wanted to do. So much I wanted to see. So much I wanted to experience. And now I didn’t have a chance. I felt my chest tighten, my throat tighten. I couldn’t breathe!
I tried to gasp, tried to get air through my tight throat. I could only get the littlest amount, though. My lungs ached, and I could feel my head spinning from the lack of oxygen. Blood ran into my mouth, running down my throat. I spat some of it back out between gasps, but more trickled in. I might drown in my own blood.
“Where the fuck are those guys?!” my first attacker demanded.
“They should be here in a minute,” the other one answered calmly. I gasped again, wincing from the pain.
“Shut up!” the first one hissed. I trembled; terrified that he might hurt me again.
“Where are those shitheads?!” the other one answered. I gasped again, wishing it would just end. The panic attack, the pain, the bleeding. I wished it would all stop.
“Be quiet!” the huge one growled. He looked down at me for the first time since he had broken my nose. I saw his eyes widen the slightest bit when he took in my gasping face.
“She’s having a panic attack,” he said calmly. The other one turned his icy gaze on me, and immediately his face fell.
“Can she die from a panic attack?” he asked, sounding strangely worried.
“Yes, she can,” the other one replied indifferently.
“What should we do?”
The other one stared down at me. I met his gaze, scared that if I looked away he might just finish the job now that I was on the brink of death.
“We hope she doesn’t die before we have our fun,” he answered.
"All I want is to be loved."

This quote isn't from a romance novel or a couple breaking up. It isn't about a girl desperately wanting to find love or a promiscuous boy finally breaking down. No, this is from a much sadder story. It's an eighteen year-old boy crying about his mother.




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I think the biggest mistake you made was narrating this in the first person. The way the narrator describes the events is too tame and clinical. If you were about to be raped, would you narrate like it was just a walk in the park? You also have some justification to do as to why there were men out in the woods. Did they know she was coming? That sort of stuff just doesn't happen anymore. If you explain it later, the reader will accept it as plausible, but right now it just looks like you made up trouble for your protagonist.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was allergic to peanuts. He was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by the side of the mountain, and a rock fell on him and he died.
Moral of the story: Expect the unexpected.
Like fried sushi.




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The only thing is is that this has to be in first person or else the story won't work. I was planning on editing this anyways, but I can't write it unless it's in first person. This is like a big death scene and then the story switched to the after-life. This is explaining how the girl died. Everything else is explained later. It's one of those stories where the end is first and as you go through the story you see what lead to this point. The only difference is this is the beginning and throughout the rest of the novel the reader learns about this attack. This is why this is the prologue and not the first chapter. Actually, this is half of the prologue.
"All I want is to be loved."

This quote isn't from a romance novel or a couple breaking up. It isn't about a girl desperately wanting to find love or a promiscuous boy finally breaking down. No, this is from a much sadder story. It's an eighteen year-old boy crying about his mother.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4961
Reviews 45
I like how you wrothe it in first person. it wouldnt make sense in third. But anyways, the ending part when she was going throught the stuff of what she would she would be missing because she's gunna die(christmas, her birthday, parties,ettc.), you should've put more emotion into that. Like for instance you said:
Tonight was going to be my last night. I would never see the light of day again. I would never have another birthday again. No more parties. No more Christmases. I would never have another boyfriend. I would never get married and have kids. I would never see my friends again. I would never see my family again. I was going to die tonight, and I was so unprepared. There was so much I still wanted to do. So much I wanted to see. So much I wanted to experience. And now I didn’t have a chance


you could've put instead....Tonight will be my last night alive, mortal. Today will be my last.I'm going to die. I will never have the experiences I should have had. There's so much left to do, so much left to see, and yet my life has to end like this, yet I was so unprepared. I dont have a chance to live, to be a normal teenager. Yet the fate of my life or death is in the hands of these men, who torture me, whom I don't even know. How could people not even give a crap that they're taking a parent's child away from them,forever?


Overall, it's a good story. If you decide you SHOULD change that one part but you can't think of anything to change it with, then just PM me and maybe i can help.
<3:
Layla
I hope someday that someone will walk into my life and help me realize why it never worked out with him or anyone else.



don't try me bro
— Seirre