Road Narrows

Title is subject to change. [EDIT: Title was changed from "Noah's Story" to "Road Narrows"]
What I have below includes the prologue and some of what I have written. Tell me what you think about it and don't be afraid to tear it apart.

Thanks
~Poem
Prologue
I could tell you that it was easy, choosing to die. I could say I knew it had to be me. That it would be the right thing to do.
But then I’d be lying.

Chapter one~ Part one

A whistle blares. I glance up to see the white ball playing over the net, as if it can’t decide which team will score the point. A chorus of “Mine!” echoes throughout the gym. The ball finally falls to the floor, but the sound of it dropping is lost to the crowd’s screams.
My team, the Eagles, rotates and my sister moves up to serve. Her slight figure quivers in adrenaline. I cup my hands to my mouth and roar, “Go Annie!” She flashes me a wide and wicked grin. The referee blows her whistle and Annie throws the volleyball into the air. Her right arm attacks the ball, like a snake striking its prey.
A perfect serve. The ball crashes to the ground on the other side of the net and the buzzer sounds. The crowds’ heads move in unison to look at the score board; Home- 25, Guest- 17. I grin, and everyone sitting near me cheers and applauds.
All of the girls move up to the net in two lines, so that the teams are separated by the net. They all high-five the players on the opposite team and tell them ‘Good game.’
My muscles scream as I stand up and stretch; the old metal bleachers groan as I walk out of the gym. The crowd disperses as parents usher their children out of the school. I slowly meander out of the school glancing at the blanket of posters and artwork that covers the walls.
I sigh, taking in the deep smell of pencil shavings and sterile cleansers. The large double doors loom before me and I slowly push them open. Sweet autumn air caresses my cheeks as I turn to the bike rack to wait for Annie.
“Hey!” I turn to see three figures walking towards me. They keep walking until they are only about a meter in front of me. “Are you Noah Evans?” The stocky one in the middle asks. His reddish-brown hair hangs in his eyes; he shakes it out of the way revealing a freckled face.
“Yes,” I say reluctantly, “And who might you be?”
“I’m Mike Hanalee.” The stocky one says proudly.
I nod and glance to the right of Mike to where a tall boy stands with a quirky grin plastered on his face. His glasses rest askew on his large nose as he speaks. “I would be Ben, well, my real name is Benjamin, but I prefer Ben.” He merrily sticks out his hand for me to awkwardly shake.
On the other side of Mike there is a smaller brown skinned boy. His sharp face frames two blazing eyes and a wild smirk. “Caleb.” He gives a quick nod as he speaks, and his darks hair parts to show a deep scar high on his forehead.
My breath sweeps out me quickly and I wipe my sweaty hands on my pants. “Alright.” I can feel Caleb and Ben’s eyes on me, but I force myself to look into Mike’s eyes. “Well, I have to go get my sister.”
“How dense are you really?” Mike asks.
“Excuse me?”
“Do you actually believe that we just came up here to introduce ourselves to you? Sorry to jump in on your little ‘fantasy world’ but-“
“Mike!” Ben interrupts.
Caleb, stepping in front of the other two says, “Look Noah, we just have a couple questions. Do you think that you will be able to stay around long enough to hear them?”
“Fine.” I say rolling my eyes.
“Question number one,” Mike declares, “Is your father Joshua Evans?”
“Good Bye.” With that I spin on one foot and start walking away towards the school.
“Hold up!” I hear them call behind me. I stop and turn back around to face them. They are an ungainly group, but there is a deep hatred seeping through their veins.
I want absolutely nothing to do with it.
The setting sun is behind them, and I have to squint to see properly. “Look,” I say. “Whatever it is that you want, I’m sorry, but I don’t have it. I don’t know what you want to find out, so just leave me alone.”
“I’ll take that as a yes then.” Caleb says.
“What?”
“Yes, Joshua Evans is your father.”
“Noah! Did you see that last serve! We won!” My head snaps around to see Annie running towards me. She slows as she sees the other boys in front of me. “Oh… hi.” She says to them.
“C’mon Annie let’s go.” I tell her as I turn around and guide us to the bike rack.
“Hey Evans!” Ben calls to me, “See you tomorrow!”
With a grunt, I yank our large grey tandem bike off of the rack. Annie hops onto the back seat and I grab the front handle bars and start running. Once the bike starts to roll slowly forward I jump onto the front seat and start pedaling.

Her right arm attacks the ball, like a snake striking its prey.

Nice! I like this description

“C’mon Annie let’s go.”

I would put a comma after C'mon and one after Annie.


I want to know how well developed my characters are? They're pretty well developed, good job!

Is the scenario realistic? From what I read, which isn't much, yes.

And... Does it make you want to read more? Yeah, I'm curious about their father and who he is and why those boys want to know if he was their father... Keep me posted on this!

Use my thread or PM me when you update it again. I enjoyed reading it, it's a cool story and I want to know more... You used so many descriptions! I could almost picture it in my head! You're a good writer. In most of the stories I read on here I get sidetracked and do some stuff while I'm reading - it doesn't get me captivated and interested. But, this one, I couldn't stop reading. It was excellent! Also, one thing, some of your sentences are a bit short, I would maybe combine some of them with the sentence after them - other than that there was nothing wrong that I could see.

*gold stars*

Logan. xLogan's xTravagant Reviews.

Wow i really liked this. It described lots i found it captivating.
Can't wait to read the rest i really
want to find out what those guys want with Noah's dad.
Good work!

Hey Poem! ^^ Sorry for any wait, and thanks for using my thread.

*

First of all, I don't think it does you any good to call that first line a prologue. I like how you open the story on such a dramatic, high-tension line-- but that's really all it is. A line. Four sentences. So you should probably just have it as sort of an opening statement, not an entire prologue.

*

“I would be Ben, well, my real name is Benjamin, but I prefer Ben.”

I understand what you're going for here, but this introduction is awkwardly phrased.

That didn't take much nitpicking! ^^

Alright. All in all, I did like this. I'm kind of debating whether or not I would change the way you introduce the scene, at the volleyball game. Sports are great and all, and it shows that Annie and Noah have a really good relationship, but I think you could possibly be better of opening the story at a more high-tension moment. If you just skipped ahead to Noah encountering the boys, it might offer some more conflict-- and you can always describe more volleyball games in the future. I don't know. It was well written, but the begin didn't hook me into your story the way you want it to.

Secondly, I think towards the beginning your rhythm seems a bit off. This might just be me, but the play-by-plays in the first paragraphs seem choppy and a short. I think you might benefit from connecting some of the shorter sentences, just to establish a smoother flow.

To end on a good note, though, I think your described very well, and avoided telling more than showing for the most part. I like your characters and the way you've set them up-- for some reason when Noah says "Good bye" to the boys, that's really nice characterization. ^^ Good job, and if you need reviews on other installments, just request!

PM me for anything.

~Evi