Witchcraft Love (Rated R, seriously)

so, this is a story I wrote when I was like twelve years old. It's longer but this is just one piece so please, commmetn, review, shred it apart...lol.

Thanks for the help
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The streets were quiet, too quiet. The wind blew hard against the windowsills making a loud thumping sound. Everyone was inside, not one sound coming from inside the houses because everyone knew what was about to come. Far above their heads, in the black night sky, the moon shone like a lonely star; it was a clear sky, not one star in it, just the full moon. And from the distance a wolf howled to the moon, making a torturous cry. It had begun, they knew it, and everyone knew it.

In a matter of minutes the carriages could be heard coming from down the hill, running the horses to death and behind them, the wolves, huge black wolves. They stopped in the entrance of the city, making loud noises as they closed the carriages doors and prepared their swords and guns. Their heavy footsteps started to run the city, hitting against each of the river rocks that made up the streets, looking as shadows in black cloaks, bringing death and suffering to each person who dared to look at them.

They opened the houses doors silently not making one sound, and she followed them; with her long brown hair, pale skin and green eyes, she made an impression. She went inside with them, checking in each of the houses, looking for the perfect prey. And they better found it, because the consequences for those who didn’t give them something to eat were worse than the ones for those who were their prey.

And they looked in the entire city, destroying, and killing; cutting heads and leaving blood behind until they found the perfect preys. She was preparing herself too, summoning and praying to an evil god.
“Annette” A male voice called from behind her.

“Yes, I’m on it my lord” Annette answered, her voice breaking. She had always feared for this night, for the All Hallow’s Eve. Her mind swirled around the memories of the past festival, remembering what she had done.

“You better be, my dear, you better be” and the man, turned around. The man who was called Kraven . She feared him, as much as she feared this night for she knew he could send her straight to the devil’s deepest chamber. But he was out of her sight in a moment and was left alone. Her head could not concentrate in the dark October night, it was too hard for her although she would have been already used to this, and she knew it. Annette continued with her dark prayers and summoning, cutting her wrist for the effectiveness of the ritual.

After a while of waiting in her carriage, the guard came and Kraven leading them.
“We’re ready” He said, interrupting her prayers.

“You got the right ones?” Annette asked.

“We got three, the best we’ve had in many years”,he answered eagerly.

Yes, it was time and with one signal the five carriages got moving up the hill once more. The night was cool, very cool, making her shiver. But deep inside her she knew that she was shivering because of what was to come. She had to admit she was afraid of the blood, but it was a duty now in every October thirty one. The forest was dark, the only light coming from the fire lamps the guard had. But her place was dark, for she did not take a lamp with her. She enjoyed the darkness of the night.

The carriages suddenly halted to a stop In front of an old chapel in the middle of the woods. It had an old Goth style with dark angel statues on the front and a broken bell that barely hang on top of it. It looked scary, very dark, with a slight devilish atmosphere. But they all went out, putting their black cloaks on and pulling the preys out of the cars. They walked to the long stairway to the huge wooden door of the chapel. A chapel in the lonely surroundings of the forest was perfect place for this.

They went inside, pushing open the huge doors and walking so orderly, it seemed inhuman. Annette was now leading the group, shaking as she went nearer the big statue of the evil god that she was about to pray to. She closed her eyes and lowered her head, walking faster than she did before. And in the front of the chapel was the altar, with candles already in it and five point star in the middle of a circle.

She grew more afraid as she told the others to take their hoods off and make a circle around the star. She thought about her damnation for doing this, about the darkness that will surround her death, but even so she found enough strength to do it.
“Are you ready?” Kraven asked from behind her.

“Yes, I am, my lord” Annette answered.
And with that she asked everyone to close her eyes, but not doing so herself and started humming and incomprehensible song in another language, maybe Celtic. A huge lump began growing in her throat as she fought the tears back and watched how a girl her age was placed in the middle of the star. She had to do it, she was here for this and she had chosen her path.

So, she had let go of the others who were holding her hands and walked toward the girl. Annette, the once sweet girl, was now grabbing a stake and six inches long nails. She walked slowly, trying not to break down and be killed; fighting against the part of her that wanted to leave this girl alive. She for once in her life, felt despair and anxiety but shook them off as she came closer to the girl and knelt beside her.

The girl was crying, howling painfully, but Annette didn’t care and with one swift movement she pinned the girl’s hand to the floor with one nail. And she did the same with her other hand and the two feet, even when the girl’s screams were disturbing, like pure sound of death. The group around her began bowing and kneeling before her in a sign of respect. With that, she knew she had to continue. The blood coming from the girl’s hands sprinkled her scarlet dress and dirtied her face, but she only licked the blood that she had in her hand, enjoying the metallic flavor and smell of it.

“Please!” the girl begged. “Please!!” and she cried painfully, sweating and screaming for the pain in her limbs, but that…

That was just the beginning.

Kraven moved from the position he had and handed Annette a glass bowl and silver knife. Annette stared at it in horror, gasping but pretending to do it with no regrets. Her gasping didn’t stop; her hands were shaking as she came closer to the screaming girl once more.

The blood was now all over the small edge of the circle around the star, making a circle of blood around the star. And Annette knelt beside the girl once more, getting more blood in her body. She grabbed the bowl and raised it upward, almost in an ironic sign to the sky and with the knife, in one of the howls of the screaming girl, she cut her throat. The blood was now gushing from the girl’s throat, so Annette grabbed the bowl and placed it under her throat making the blood fall into it.

It was time now; she looked at the blood, crimson red, fresh in the bowl and gulped. It was the first time she was doing it and she had to be strong or she was going to have a worse fate than the girl she had just killed. But she grabbed the bowl and made a prayer in Celtic once again and with the pain of her heart, sipped from the bowl, leaving a red mark in her lips. But she did not stop, just continued, moaning as the blood went through her throat and mixed with her painful tears. The blood was delicious, it tasted so good, it was the representation of sin and lust, it was what made the worst part on human’s surface. And it was what it did on Annette, she continued drinking and moaning, spilling the blood all over her dress and her chin, enjoying the feeling of the cold blood and the lust it created.

When she finished, she let herself fall and kneel beside the now dead body of the girl, her long auburn hair filling with blood. She did it, she had drunk it and enjoyed it, but it was a one night pleasure for they were not allowed on doing blood rituals on any other night of the year. But the grand finale was missing and now with the effects of blood in her body, she grabbed the stake and stabbed the girl’s chest, right into her heart and shook until a whole was made in her chest. Annette laughed at the sadism around the whole ritual, she was laughing crazily, feeling too high to understand anything. It was not Annette anymore; it was the witch, the feared witch of the past. And with one last laughter she made the stake go deeper, creating a huge hole in the girl’s chest and getting the pounding heart out of her chest; licking the blood around the hole.

The heart was handed to Kraven once more and was place in a hearth in the legs of the statue were it was burned in dedication to the evil god she had just served. With that, the ritual was finished and Annette was shocked frozen in one place, not even blinking until she began feeling numb, too numb and felt her body slowly fall down to the ground and sleep, if that was even called sleeping. And the darkness surrounded her, and nothing she was aware of.

**** **** **** ****
The night went by quickly. It was peaceful and silent, nothing else happened but she found herself in the morning with her clothes changed and clean, wrapped in her bed sheets. It was weird, she didn’t remember a thing about last night, she just knew she was deeply asleep and was now with other clothes and everything. She yawned and saw the light coming from her window. She had always loved light; it was so beautiful especially when it hit the green leaves of the plants in her backyard. She smiled at it and stretched. Her room looked very ordered and sweet, just like she had left it last night, and the light made it look shiny, quite magical even, like a fairytale’s castle. So she got up from where she was and opened her window.
“Annette!” a voice suddenly called from behind her door. It was her mother’s.

“Come in” She said, turning around and smiling. Her mother was the most lovable creature on planet earth and she adored her to death.

“It’s time, my dear” Caroline, Annette’s mother said. And those words made her think. She heard them last night from a man in a dark cloak but she did not remember when or where, it seemed like a dream. It bothered her, a lot, but she couldn’t let that stop her from enjoying her life.

Wow, I really loved this piece. And you wrote it when you were 12? Impressive. I tell this to everybody I critique, but anyways, I'm not good with nitpicking, so I'll give my opinions on the other things such as characters, settings, plot, etc.

Characters

So really there was only one main character: Annette. I think you could have perhaps described her a bit better, and a little less listed.

'long brown hair, pale skin and green eyes'

That's what I mean by listed. You could have perhaps broken up her appearance, giving little clues of her looks in seperate sentences, or something like that. Likewise, Annette was portrayed quite well, as was her sudden transference when the witch took over her.

Settings

You had just enough description to allow my imagination to see what the city looked like. You also added emotion to the description, which was good. I can't really comment much on the settings, I found them good but I'm not sure what other reviewers may say.

Plot

This was a unique plot, I found it very interesting to read, despite the gory adding. I like how Annette also had no clue as to what had happened the previous night (Halloween night, am I correct?) But anyways, it was original and well thought out. I like it

Overall

I look forward to reading more of your work. Your characterization was well done, as was your plot and settings. I also like the 'feel' this story had. It was suspenseful and intriguing, another well done for you. Good luck with any future pieces.

Tha was amazing.
Honestly, I don't know what else to say. I felt sick to my stomach; in a good way. Huzzah.

The streets were quiet, too quiet.

You know who says this a lot? Bugs Bunny. That's whose voice said that in my head. It's not exactly a good start for any story.

"It's quiet--too quiet" is basically an over-used cliche, that's so old that Bugs Bunny was making fun of it about 60+ years before we were born. Come up with a better description--your own.

Everyone was inside, not one sound coming from inside the houses because everyone knew what was about to come.

Who is everyone? Where are these houses? It's the all important question: Where is this story set? I don't have any idea, so throwing "everyone" out at me can mean anything. Establish the who, what and the where before you get vague on us.

Far above their heads, in the black night sky, the moon shone like a lonely star;

Metaphors and similes compare to unalike things; how unalike is a star to a moon? They're not the same thing, but they are pretty well related. They're both celestial bodies that you can see from the sky, and that are almost a nightly occurrence. They're so related, in fact, that when you say "the moon was like a star" I think "Well, no it's not, it's a moon, not a star."

It's sort of like if you said "the shark swam like a dolphin in the water"--you would naturally think "It can't! Sharks swim nothing like dolphins." The two things are different, but related enough so that their differences can't connect them into any type of metaphor for us.

Now if you were to compare the moon to something that is NOTHING like the moon at all, like a snowball, or a plate, or a face, or an eyeball, or a scoop of ice cream, your mind is disconnected enough so that the comparisons actually manage to work. If you said the shark swam in the water like bullet in the air, it would bring us a better image than if you were to compare it to a dolphin.

It's a queer thing, so much so that it's hard to explain, but it's just sort of the way it works, you know?

Not to mention... the moon is just too big to ever look like a star, you know? It's not a star. Stars are tiny. Moons are big. It's how ancient people have always differentiated the two things from each other, so you're not about to tell anyone that the two are the same. Just how it works.

it was a clear sky, not one star in it, just the full moon.

If you could note how weird this would be, it would be nice. Or give any sort of reason for it. Because as it is, that's sort of physically impossible. Unless there was a good deal of light pollution, where there was just too many lights on in a city that you couldn't see the stars, then it would make sense, but you haven't given any indication that we're in a modern city at all. Anywhere else, if the moon is full and bright, you're going to see millions of stars since it's so bright. When the stars aren't in the sky, then it's cloudy, so we wouldn't be able to see the moon well at all.

I'm not saying don't give us a starless, moonlight night--just don't throw it out there without any reasoning for it, because while it does sound pretty, I know in my head that it doesn't make sense as a reader. If there isn't any definite reason for it, at least note that this is not normal.

In a matter of minutes the carriages could be heard coming from down the hill, running the horses to death and behind them, the wolves, huge black wolves.

This is using a very passive narrative voice, which detaches the reader from the scene. Bring the scene to us--don't let the narrator observe it from far away. Instead of saying the carriages "could be heard," just describe what the carriages are doing.

What does "running the horses to death" mean? I can only fathom that it means that they're exhausting their horses to the point where they're near death, but if that is the case then the grammar isn't right at all. "Running" is being used as if the people in the carriages are doing the running, like they're running the horses down--you know what? It's just a confusing pile of mess. Say what you mean more clearly is all I'm asking.

They stopped in the entrance of the city, making loud noises as they closed the carriages doors and prepared their swords and guns.

I assume the "they" are the people in the carriage? It could be abundantly more clear.

What types of noises were they making? They could be squealing and farting loudly for all I know.

How many carriages were there? How many men are they? You need to give us so much more information. The key to mystery is what you're keeping from the reader, not how much. If I'm fumbling around in the dark for frick all everything, I'm not going to be very interested in what exactly the point of this story is.

Their heavy footsteps started to run the city, hitting against each of the river rocks that made up the streets, looking as shadows in black cloaks, bringing death and suffering to each person who dared to look at them.

Now, were their footsteps running, or were the people running?

As a reader, I have no idea if you mean "bringing death and suffering" literally or metaphorically. To me it could mean to things: These men are actually there to bring death and suffering, or they look to be death and suffering. It's entirely unclear.

They opened the houses doors silently not making one sound, and she followed them; with her long brown hair, pale skin and green eyes, she made an impression.

And what house are they opening? Are they opening several houses, or did you mean "house's"? Too many questions and not enough information.

"Silently" implies that they did not make any sound, so saying that they opened the doors "silently not making one sound" is redundant.

Who is she, all of the sudden? Was she apart of the "they" before? Is she knew? Where were they hiding her, and why were you keeping her from us?

What type of impression was she making? Was she ugly? Beautiful? Frightening? Telling us she's a pale, green-eyed brunette doesn't tell us much about what type of impression she was making. And on whom was she making this impression on?

By the way, what happened to the wolves? I thought they were being chased. Now I'm just confused.

She went inside with them, checking in each of the houses, looking for the perfect prey.

Hello. What? Where did this come from? You could have implied that these people are not the best folks to run into. I think you tried to, but the "bringing death and suffering" part was, again, far too vague for me to really take it to heart. As a result this revelation is incredibly abrupt and not in a good way, just in a random type of way where you don't know what's going on.

And they better found it

I see you tried to make "And they better find it" into past-tense. Didn't quite work out, did it? I don't think it can be done, honestly, and I don't think you need the term, anyway. Just say something along the lines of "And not finding it was not an option" or something to that effect. It does not hurt to be specific.

And they looked in the entire city, destroying, and killing; cutting heads and leaving blood behind until they found the perfect preys.

And they're doing this... why? And god, HOW many of these "they" are they to massacre an entire city? Why would a city ever let such people inside their gates if they had anticipated this? There's too many questions, and "because they were looking for perfect prey" does not answer any of them, but only raise more questions on top of them all.

She was preparing herself too, summoning and praying to an evil god.

Where, when and why?

“Annette” A male voice called from behind her.

Always punctuate dialogue. Always.

"Annette," a male voice called from behind her.

Also, why did you leave her name a mystery to us until then?

“You better be, my dear, you better be”

I cannot imagine one person outside of a movie repeating themselves like that. Also, I think it's supposed to be "you'd better be" or "you had better be."

and the man, turned around. The man who was called Kraven .

Don't need that comma at all. And that second sentence is plain awful--just put it into the first one.

"You'd better be, my dear." The man named Kraven turned around.

Annette's rituals seem like they'd come out of a B-movie about witches and devil worship. They're just sort of cheesy and don't really scare me at all, or do anything, really.

After a while of waiting in her carriage, the guard came and Kraven leading them.

I thought she was in a house? Or somewhere? She was in her carriage, though? Then why did they open up that house earlier??

And I believe you mean "WITH Kraven leading them" and you meant "guards" as opposed to the singular "guard."

“You got the right ones?” Annette asked.

“We got three, the best we’ve had in many years”,he answered eagerly.

"Got" seems like an abruptly informal shift in the characters' way of speaking. "Have" would be much preferable.

Yes, it was time and with one signal the five carriages got moving up the hill once more.

And we have a number! Only it doesn't make much sense. How did only five carriages carry so many men as to kill an entire CITY of people with? Unless there were people riding around the carriages? If so, why do they need five? I'm desperate for detail, here.

So Annette is afraid of blood... and yet didn't seem to have much reaction at all when she was slitting her wrists earlier? Huh?

But her place was dark, for she did not take a lamp with her. She enjoyed the darkness of the night.

What "place" is this referring to? Also, it seems a bit contradictory for her to enjoy darkness when before she seemed a bit shaken up about this entire thing--whatever this entire thing may be.

In what era are we? You describe gothic architecture as "old," which is the only indication of the era we've gotten apart from horse-drawn carriages. I feel a bit lost.

It looked scary, very dark, with a slight devilish atmosphere.

This sentence? Does nothing for me. You TOLD me it was scary. I don't want to be told it's scary--just show me how it's scary and it'll do the work for you.

But they all went out, putting their black cloaks on and pulling the preys out of the cars.

I... thought they were in carriages...?

A chapel in the lonely surroundings of the forest was perfect place for this.

Totally pointless sentence. Doesn't tell me anything I didn't know before.

Annette was now leading the group, shaking as she went nearer the big statue of the evil god that she was about to pray to.

How boring! No description? I don't know what an evil god looks like, and nothing my head comes up with is that scary to me.

Let me just say that your inclusion of the pentagram sort of made me want to go "UUUUUUGH." It's SO cliche, and not only that, it's just plain incorrect. The pentagram is not an evil sign, it's simply pagan. Like everything else pagan, we were taught that it's bad and evil, but it's not in the pagan tradition. As a writer, you don't have to stoop to cliches--just do some research.

And with that she asked everyone to close her eyes, but not doing so herself and started humming and incomprehensible song in another language, maybe Celtic.

Ouch! Those poor Celts. Do you even realize that you just basically said that the Celtic tradition = witchcraft and satanism?

but that…

That was just the beginning.

Augh. That does not help the story one bit.

And Annette knelt beside the girl once more, getting more blood in her body.

Improper pronoun reference. Getting more blood on whose body?

Also, I think you meant "on" as opposed to "in."

he grabbed the bowl and raised it upward, almost in an ironic sign to the sky

How is this ironic? Didn't quite catchy any irony there.

Rather boring what happened to the girl. Very expected, nothing too shocking. I will say it kept me interested, at least, but the pay out didn't feel worth it. Then again I'm extremely morbid, so lots of blood is pretty tame to me.

I weep for the Celts. I'm not sure if I have any Celtic in me, but if I did, I would be more offended than I am now--and really, I am offended.

You already said she took a great big gulp out of the bowl, so why is so much attention being paid to how she doing it again, only longer?

it was what made the worst part on human’s surface.

What is the worst par on a human surface? It's as if you expect me to know.

The blood is suddenly cold? It would take a while to cool if it was straight from a body like that.

for they were not allowed on doing blood rituals on any other night of the year.

I think you mean for they were not allowed to do blood rituals on any night of the year.

she grabbed the stake and stabbed the girl’s chest, right into her heart and shook until a whole was made in her chest.

Think you meant "hole", there.

Pounding heart? Oh please, this girl is LONG dead. Especially if she was stabbing her multiple in the heart multiple times. In fact, if it was enough to make a big gaping hole, that heart should be in pieces.

Didn't get the end much at all; oh well.

Overall, the middle to end part was much more interesting, definitely, than the lead up to it. I'm STILL wondering where those wolves went, though. Was there any point to them?

This needs a lot of work, grammatically and just as a story. You need to give the reader a crapton more information. Some things we NEED to know. We need to know the who, what and the where, and you can leave the why for later if you want to, except for when it comes to smaller why's. There was just a lot that was unclear, and it made the story a lot less enjoyable.

And you need to research something about witchcraft, because you are working with god awful cliches. You're also insulting entire cultures! I say it yet again: those poor Celtics. If you want something new, do something new--don't worth with pentagrams and blood rituals, don't box yourself in like that. If you want something that's witchcraft we know, do some research, please! Don't just work with cliches.

No story is hopeless, so keep working on it.

The reviewer above makes many good points and looks to have solid nitpicks except for some things such as the irony they didn't get, I see as quite clear. Also the thing about researching witchcraft and stuff...in my opinion, you don't need to. Sure, make certain your not offending anyone too much but what people (in general) need to remember is that this is fiction. Tell it how you want to tell it. To put it bluntly, a fiction writer can make stuff up. Also I can see the point about the cliche elements here, but things such as blood rituals and pentagrams give us a solid base for the author and the readers to work on. By this I mean that you can use them to help tell the story and make readers understand by giving them a familiar concept, allowing them to gauge the events that occur against it possibly altering the conveyed message/meaning to what you intended. It's not whether the method is different, it's whether the story is different. If you find another good method of telling the story do it as long as it fits, it's nice, but not necessary.

Remember we're just here to express our opinions, give advice and help edit so feel free to ignore whatever I've said etc etc. (Although i assume you don't need me to say that due to your amount of posts and such .)
I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.

ArtOfSilence wrote:lso the thing about researching witchcraft and stuff...in my opinion, you don't need to.

I know the whole "nothing is right or wrong, you can say what you want" thing is sort of popular now but this seems to be taking it a teensy bit too far. What your suggesting is that you base all your ideas on what witches look like and do on other (fictional) accounts of witchcraft. Is if just me or does that seem a little repetitive? while imagination is important, it is nice to at least know SOMETHING about what your writing about, to avoid your story becoming a mass of cliches. Also research is a great way to get inspiration for characters, rituals and even plot ideas. So yeah, in my humble opinion I think research is pretty vital to a good story.

You are correct of course. I phrased it wrongly. What i meant was, don't bother doing research just so you don't offend a few people as those people need to remember it is only a fictitious story.

If you havn't done research for your piece then Pacu is correct in saying that it is essential. (Sorry for that by the way)

Sure, make certain your not offending anyone too much but what people (in general) need to remember is that this is fiction. Tell it how you want to tell it. To put it bluntly, a fiction writer can make stuff up.

I assume this is about her using the Celtic language. Fiction writers are meant to make things up--however, that doesn't mean there's isn't a line to cross, and that suddenly everything written is utterly forgivable. I can be offended by whatever she makes up as much as I please. The fact that it's not real does not make it any better. If someone wrote a book about how all dark skinned people were bad and all white people were good, you can't just say "Come on, it's just fiction!" because the implications heavily imply racism. It's not the fact that it exists or not, it's what the IDEA is.

I'm not saying her using the Celtic language is anything near as bad as that, but that doesn't make it okay. She's not basing this on anything except that the Celtic language sounds weird, I'm sure, which almost makes it worse.

I'm saying to take it out out of deference to a still very much alive Celtic culture, and not to assume "it's okay" because it's fiction. If she made up a language that sounded like Celt? Fine. If it was an actual dead language like Latin? Fine, there's no one she's putting down. But Celts are still a group of people, or at least people who have a proud ancestry.

Also, don't assume that everyone reading something is going to assume that it's all fiction. Witches are something that's based in reality, so there's probably quite a few people who will read it and be convinced that Celtic is the language of evil.

Also I can see the point about the cliche elements here, but things such as blood rituals and pentagrams give us a solid base for the author and the readers to work on. By this I mean that you can use them to help tell the story and make readers understand by giving them a familiar concept, allowing them to gauge the events that occur against it possibly altering the conveyed message/meaning to what you intended.

You don't need to use pentagrams and blood rituals to gauge readers into the story. In fact, you shouldn't. I don't think people are so dumb that they can't get a sense of foreboding from solid writing without blood-laden pentagrams lying around. Good writing gauges readers into the story, not tacky, cliched horror elements.

pacu already said about research what I wanted to say.

Remember we're just here to express our opinions, give advice and help edit so feel free to ignore whatever I've said etc etc. (Although i assume you don't need me to say that due to your amount of posts and such .)

Yeah, I really didn't need you to say that for me. I always assume the people who read my reviews know that already instead of assuming they're easily swayed by reviews. I don't really appreciate you telling the writer what she should especially ignore out of my review. She can do what she pleases with a story, and I can tell you that I honestly don't care what she does do with it. The points in my review simply need to be considered for me to be happy.

If you had a particular problem with my review, you're free to say it directly to me instead of pussyfooting it into something directed at the author. I'm perfectly content with arguing my point as long as you want.

Thanks everyone for the reviews. They are highly appreciated.
And to all those who don't know, Halloween has its roots in a Celtic festival for Samhain, the festival being considered the Celtic New year and all those who celebrate I asummed they knew, excuse me if I'm wrong.
So, that's why I put Celtic and not French because for me French sounds as weird as Celtic. The story is based on a Halloween night in the early eighteen hundredths and I had no intention to offend the Celtic culture. So, excuse me if I did.
I would have put something real about withcraft, I know, and I'm sorry the story was not that good. But just so you know, I have no intention to incite people into ocultism or anything like that or disrespect anyone in the site.
I respect everyone's opinions and if you feel that I disrespected someone or something just tell me and I'll continue to delete the post. But I'll also ask a bit more respect toward anyone who asks for a review, because some comments can really affect the person.

Thanks everyone for the reviews and especially those who at least had tact.

pudin.junidf wrote:Thanks everyone for the reviews. They are highly appreciated.
And to all those who don't know, Halloween has its roots in a Celtic festival for Samhain, the festival being considered the Celtic New year and all those who celebrate I asummed they knew, excuse me if I'm wrong.
So, that's why I put Celtic and not French because for me French sounds as weird as Celtic. The story is based on a Halloween night in the early eighteen hundredths and I had no intention to offend the Celtic culture. So, excuse me if I did.
I would have put something real about withcraft, I know, and I'm sorry the story was not that good. But just so you know, I have no intention to incite people into ocultism or anything like that or disrespect anyone in the site.
I respect everyone's opinions and if you feel that I disrespected someone or something just tell me and I'll continue to delete the post. But I'll also ask a bit more respect toward anyone who asks for a review, because some comments can really affect the person.

Thanks everyone for the reviews and especially those who at least had tact.

And now I see where the comparison was drawn, so forgive me for presuming. It was simply unclear in the text, especially when all that was clear that an evil ritual was being done. I didn't really make the connection between Halloween and the Celts, since the fact that it was Halloween seemed secondary to the evil god and the blood ritual.

I was not offended by your story in large, so don't feel any need to delete the post. I'm sorry if you felt disrespected, but I was only being straightforward in my opinions. I'm sorry if it rubbed you off the wrong way, though, and I'll try to be more gentle about it in the future.

hey, pudin...i hope i'm not to late!

Wow, pudin…I never imagined you making a sadistic almost human worship story like this. It kind of surprise me that you actually wrote this. Oh well, we may have our sadistic side anyway…

Okay…plot

From the first part of the story, you introduced the reader to a gothic medieval like scene. You describe the moon, the wolves, the carriage, the men in the cloaks as well as the human sacrifice which through the use of descriptions such as the one seen in the first paragraph, and you were able to convey the tone of the work. Which is good.

Now at the very end, you dramatically change the plot. Instead of continuing post sacrifice, you shifted the plot wherein the main character is like a normal girl who just woke up from some crazy dream.

By doing so, you were able to convey some sense of suspense by asking themesleves, ”What just happened?” which is good for you but…it would be better if you were able to blend in the second plot with the first. Like when she hold the heart and feel the blood on her hands you could write:

Then I woke up

From here, you may be able to show her reaction from her ‘dream’ but either way that is just a suggestion.

Character

You were able to show us two main characters: the woman and the man. The woman you were able to describe her both physically and somewhat personally when you show her reaction before the sacrifice. By doing so, you were able to let the reader get to know more of Avarette.

But as for the guy, you were only able to show his personality. You showed to us that he is some kind of “evil” lord but you do not show us his physical look. Even if he is wearing a cloak, you might describe: His face is covered with the black cloak except for his mouth and his red eyes that look at my face. By doing so, you are not only give us what he looks like but what kind of person he is through that description.

So overall, this is really shocking for me that you actually wrote this. but anyway, its quite good in the plot and the characters. Though this plot may have been repeated in some way, I guess that you can make this original by elaborating the plot or something. But anyway…its good.

Tact is over-rated. It just causes you to use an unnecessary amount of fluff to say something half as effectively as you might otherwise have done.

Lex has covered the grammatical and structural issues extremely well [you'd be well advised to take it into account, you have a lot of syntax and punctuation problems that need addressing], so there's no sense in repeating that for you. I'll delve into the character of it instead.

Here's the problem - firstly, we have no clue where this place is, why there's this random blood sacrifice going on, who these people are or what they beleive; not only is everything entirely without context, but you're just killing characters we've never even met before they're staked out on the ground, so why on earth would we care? It's just some random screaming girl being stabbed - it might as well be a rabbit being put in a stew for all the emotion it invokes.
Secondly, what research have you done? You've suggested that this ritual has something to do with Celtic culture, which is all well and good, but the Celts have very little tradition of human sacrifice beyond the odd bog man here and there - they were, in fact, one of the first northern European peoples to be converted to Christianity, which is where the Samhain-All Hallow's Eve connection appears. But you seem to have somehow made this leap from Samhain-Satanism, where there is absolutely nothing of the sort suggested in our records of Samhain. On the contrary, the pagan festival was a time of community spirit, harvesting and preparing for winter - there are Day of the Dead beliefs in which they honoured their ancestors and believed in communication with the dead, sure, but human sacrifice and blood rights have NOTHING to do with this! You say you've done your research - I suggest you do some more.
Thirdly, what's the point? I feel about this piece like I feel about the Passion of the Christ: all sound and fury, signifying nothing. You introduce random people, have some random murder and screaming, and everyone's all scared and can't really remember it in the morning. And...? Despite your obvious enjoyment of shock value and thrill, there's just no storyline here. That may change as you give us more to read, but if this is indicative of the kind of narrative you're planning to carry on - you're going to need a storyline before you can deliver the lashings of gore.

Finally - you have really got to learn to deal with criticism. We're not going to wrap you in cotton wool here - Lex's comments are comprehensive, detailed and to the point, and if I were you I would pay more attention to them than anything you're going to learn in your English class. You need to address every single one of those points he's raised in some way or another, and if you were planning to dismiss them because of some imagined 'lack of tact', then you need to seriously rethink your approach to literary community, right here and now.

Good luck.

Well, thanks for your reviews and excuse me for my lack of knowledge in the topic. And just so you know, I'll deal with it because if I want to be a writer, then I guess I'll just deal with it and do my best and a harsh critique won't just make me quit. I'tll just make me want to improve.
And yeah, you're right this is as random as it can get adn I won't excuse it for the very young age I wrote it because there are very great writers at age twelve. So, thanks everyone for the reviews and I'll see what I can do and if you offer me some help, I'll be glad to recieve it and I won't be as whiny.
Excuse me all of you who have felt disrespected by it and I did not intend to say that Celtics did human sacrifices.
So, that's all and I think I might need some help to give this story a full 180 turn

WOAH. how come pudin gets all of these comments and I have to beg people to come look at my stories?? I take criticism well; have I angered you all in some way?
These reviews were pretty mean; not that there is anything wrong with being critical, scraping off all the sugarcoating; but where are these reviews on the stories about talking ponies and mary-sue characters who are exactly like the author???? Why aren't you people spitting out posts at some atrocity of a piece that uses the phrase blood-red nine times in one paragraph?!
It saddens me a little when a pretty-good piece like this gets torn apart and something really god-dang awful gets nine stars and a bunch of "Wow I wish I could write like you!"
comments.
But pudin, i know you're a trooper and you'll write your way into a story that's almost unanimously without flaw, someday.
Every time you write something you grow a little more. It's amazing to watch. Buena suerte.

LexiconDevil wrote:I don't really appreciate you telling the writer what she should especially ignore out of my review. She can do what she pleases with a story, and I can tell you that I honestly don't care what she does do with it. The points in my review simply need to be considered for me to be happy.

With all due respect LexiconDevil, I think you need to climb down off your high horse. You posted a review, someone didn't like it, deal with it. Personally I agree with a lot of what you said but other people might not, that's part of life.