Malevolence.

Prologue

A lone balloon floats high in the bright sky. A simple shiny red balloon lost in the vast wash of royal blue. There is not a single cloud in sight – just the balloon happily floating into oblivion. But is that not the way of life? Do we not all fly off unsure of where we are heading, yet aware that this journey must come to an end at some point? If the balloon had a conscious mind would it suddenly wake up and start screaming? I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk in this happy sky!
But it is just a balloon.
I sit alone on a park bench, watching as the children bounce by me clutching brightly coloured balloons. Splashes of green, blue, yellow and red knock against each other as they are dragged past me. The children giggle with each other, their laughter happy and carefree. Couples trail them, walking hand-in-hand, enjoying the feel of the warm sun against their faces. I also enjoy this sensation, but my love of the sun is overshadowed by the catastrophe of the night before.
No. Do not think of that.
A young woman on skates hurtles by. Her long brown hair is pulled up in a ponytail. She is wearing navvy shorts and a white and blue lycra top. Knee, elbow and shin pads are strapped protectively on. Her tanned skin is flawless and on her pretty face is a look of determination. She vanishes from sight within seconds.
It is so easy to lose myself in these simple sights. I want so much just to sit here and watch the different people with their different lives. None of these people could imagine the horrors of which I have seen. None of these people have the slightest suspicions as to what I am. To them I am just another young woman resting on a bench. A strangely dressed young woman perhaps, but a young woman all the same. Perhaps these blissfully ignorant strangers are too caught up in their happiness to notice the curious air which surrounds me. Perhaps my grief right now suppresses my tendency to alarm people who look for too long. Whatever the reason I sit here mostly unnoticed.
I cannot lie and say this lack of attention insults me. I am quite content to watch these people as if I am observing from another world they cannot see. In a way I am. My world cannot be glimpsed by these fainthearted souls – even I find it hard sometimes to bear these unimaginable horrors which hound me. These unimaginable horrors find me even now. When I close my eyes they are there: ghastly images which taunt me as they dance before me. When my thoughts wander for even a few seconds they are there: eagerly reminding me of painful memories which I would prefer to remain buried in the depths of my mind.
I am in agony. Tortured by these apparitions which visit me again and again. I have endured all that I can and I can no longer bear anymore!
Still these recollections come to me.


Chapter One
The visitor

He sat facing the mysterious girl. She looked uncomfortable and kept fidgeting and biting her bottom lip nervously. She avoided his watchful gaze and looked around his dark study with wide uneasy eyes. His floor to ceiling window showed only the ominous black of night and the dim light of his lamp threw so many distorted shadows around the room that she would have felt safer with it off. Her gaze rested on a small pile of old books stacked neatly on top of one another on his large oak desk.
“Those have been in my collection for quite a time,” he smiled, wanting to put her at ease with a conversation of no great importance. She had been edgy since Kate brought her to see him.
“They-they look quite old,” she replied nervously, dropping her gaze from the books as if their yellowed pages would crumble if even looked upon for too long.
“They are,” he smiled again.
There was silence again.
He decided to finally start the essential conversation she’d seemed keen not to begin.
“What is your name, child?” he decided to inquire after that first.
“Sophie.” Then quickly gave her full name, unsure if that was what he wanted. “Sophie Anderson.”
“Ah.” He paused for a moment and then asked gently: “And what is it that brings you here?”
Yes, he did not know at all why she had turned up at the mansion. He knew hardly anything about her at all. He judged by her appearance that she was quite young and in addition was able to guess by her quiet, sad manner that something terrible had happened to her recently. He also was able to tell that she was not normal. Her mind was silent to him, closed off and unable to reach. Only others of his kind were like that, but she was not at all like him.
In answer she opened her purse she had been clutching tightly and began to rummage inside, peering anxiously into it and searching for the item she desired. A few seconds later she withdrew her hand and showed him what she held. He stretched out his hand slowly, palm-upwards, and asked: “May I see?”
She placed the letter in his expectant hand and he opened it gently, aware by the way she watched it intently with her alert eyes that it must be very valuable to her.
He quickly scanned the smooth, neat handwriting and realised it was a letter from her mother to her. He found the line or two which concerned him. He read them out loud: “If anything should happen to us before you reach your transition please – and I implore you – take everyone to The Mansion and once there ask to see Laurel. His family is different, like ours, yet not the same. Tell no one but him about us and only once he assures you it is alright can you tell the others who live with him. I am sure he will welcome you with open arms…” He left out the next line which only informed her how to find him. Silently he handed the letter back to her. She took it and folded it back up before placing it back in her purse.
“I see,” he said quietly after a moment or two.
She looked up at him with wide, anxious eyes.
“Is that all you know?”
Her voice was quiet as she replied. “Yes. None of this was ever mentioned to me before. There was no reason to. I never knew our family could be wiped out so easily. I never knew…” She trailed off and stared off to her left, looking at nothing in particular, with a stunned expression on her face.
Gently he asked: “Is there no one from your family left?”
“Only one – and he doesn’t know anything about the letter at all.”
There was a brief silence. “Your mother was right,” he said eventually. “If you desire it I am happy to offer you and your other family member a safe place to stay – for however long either of you wish.”
For a few shocked seconds she did not move, but stared at him open-mouthed. Then the breath rushed out from her mouth in a cross between a laugh and a gasp. “Thank you!” She managed. She lurched to her feet. “Thank you!”
“My pleasure,” he assured her. "It is the least I can do after what has happened to you. I have known others who have lost their whole family in one terrible blow. It not something anyone should ever go through.”
She lowered her eyes. “I’ll have to go and tell Darryl about this now. Thank you so much for all of this.” She looked back up at him. “I wasn’t sure at first what you’d do, but you are so much kinder than I’d ever hoped. Thank you!” She offered him a quick smile before she turned and let herself out of the room.
He couldn’t help but notice how much more prettier she looked when she smiled. Her innocent face seemed to open and brighten up. Her hazel eyes had the faintest hint of leaf-green in them and her lips were the palest pink.
She did not at all seem the sort of person who would let herself be consumed by grief.

* * *

There came a knock upon my door.
“Come in! Come in!” I cried out. I jumped up and down a little in excitement and the slaves fixing my hair and making last minute alterations to my dress begged me to keep still so that they could make me look PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL.
“Yes, yes, yes,” I said impatiently. “But let them in, let them in.”
A slave went to the door. When she opened it I saw Father standing there, waiting. When he saw me he smiled and strode in.
“My, my,” he boomed. “You look the most enchanting and wondrous creature my eyes have ever beheld.”
Ignoring the dismayed cries of the slaves I held out my arms to him and as he hugged me he lifted me off my feet. After a few seconds of struggling to breathe in his enormous embrace he lowered me back onto the stool I had been standing on.
“Everyone is starting to arrive,” he told me, making his voice louder so the slaves overhead him. “I hope soon you will be able to make your appearance.”
“She is almost ready,” said one slave.
Father fixed his eyes on the slave who had spoken. “Everyone else is ready, even her younger sister who is less easy to work with.”
I sighed. “Sorry Father, I keep talking to them. I’m just so excited!”
He looked back at me. “I understand. Tonight is going to be very exciting.”
I clapped my hands together in delight as I turned back to the mirror, which was nothing more than a varnished plate of metal reflecting back my happy face and huge grin.
The slaves took this as permission to stretch out their long arms and resume what they had been doing before as if they had never been interrupted.
My shoulders slumped as I sighed and stared into the mirror. I reached up and twirled a long strand of my dark hair around one of my fingers. The grin had long faded and on my features was a look of gloomy sadness as I studied the girl staring back at me.
Father noticed.
“Morgenna, what is wrong?”
I shrugged. Then realised Father would not accept that as an answer, so I searched for words to describe how I felt. It wasn’t easy, and took me a few second’s worth of frowning.
“I’m not quite sure,” I said at last. “I just feel…” My frown deepened as I tried to think of a way of describing how I felt.
Father didn’t need me to finish that sentence anyway. His wide smile returned again as if it had never been missing.
“My dear,” he said warmly, placing a large hand on my shoulder in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. The slaves shrunk away and worked around him. “If you feel lonely I assure you it won’t be for long. You are about to entice the young men with your beauty - you needn’t worry about such silly things.”
“I don’t feel lonely,” I replied quickly. “I only feel as if something is going to happen tonight. I don’t feel lonely at all.” I turned back to the mirror as I had looked at him when he had placed his hand on my shoulder. Then I frowned again and looked back at him. “What do you mean ‘it won’t be for long’?” I asked suspiciously.
Father opened his mouth as if to reply but was interrupted by one of the slaves. “She is ready,” she said proudly as I only just began to realise they now left me alone.
I banished the uneasy feeling and let a smile take its place. I lifted my arms and daintily stepped down from the stool. I spun around in a circle and watched the material of my dress fly out around me. I gave a happy laugh and glanced back up at Father.
“Thank you,” he said to the slaves, “she looks wonderful.”

Hey there! Haven't seen you about before, so if you're new, welcome!

The children giggle with each other, their laughter happy and carefree. Couples trail them, walking hand-in-hand, enjoying the feel of the warm sun against their faces.

Right, so on a more general note (before I reference the above) you're writing is very stiff, very formal. If that's intentional and is meant to reflect the character, great! When you can craft your narrative so that the very sentence structure is a form of characterisation, then you know you're doing something right as a writer. If not, you need to relax and not come off as so detached and arrogant. Okay, so my problem with the above quote is simply this: it's not realistic, it's highly contrived and it feels forced. As in, it's obvious to me that you're overwriting for the sake of a - in your mind - dramatic contrast in scene/character. And since the scene is meant to represent realistic simplicity to contrast against supposed surreal and horrible other things, that's very important.

No. Do not think of that.

Don't think of that. - We come back to stiff, formal writing. We don't talk and we don't think [note my use of don't and not 'do not' there] like that; relax. It flows better this way.

I have endured all that I can and I can no longer bear anymore[s]![/s]

The aloof writing makes it really hard to connect with your character, I have to say and here, the melodrama rockets off the charts. Understatement has far more impact than extreme exaggeration. Remember that.

He sat facing mysterious girl.

the girl from Peter Andre's song 'Mysterious Girl'?! No way! Hah, just kidding, but seriously you're missing 'a'.

She looked uncomfortable and kept fidgeting and biting her bottom lip nervously

One of those 'and's' can go - pick which one, and you can use a variety of methods, semi-colon, comma, dash, etc. Be creative, it doesn't flow well as is.

“They-they look quite old.” She replied

Okay, I'm not going to quote all of these, as it's a repeated error but speech tags need to be in lower case. Dialogue doesn't end with the speech, okay? "They look quite old," she replied.

She had been edgy since Kate [s]had[/s] brought her to see him.

unnecessary. Perfect past tense - constantly using 'had' is bad. Keep things as active as possible.

[s]He decided to finally start the essential conversation she’d seemed keen not to begin.[/s]
“What is your name, child?” [s]He decided to inquire after that first.[/s]
“Sophie.” [s]Then quickly gave her full name, unsure if that was what he wanted[.[/s] “Sophie Anderson.”

Granted, you haven't got the nuances of dialogue down right yet, but you need to be on the look out for things that don't sound right. And mostly, the problem isn't with the speech but what put in between. Those bits were icky. Let it flow.

"What is your name, child?"

"Sophie... Sophie Anderson."

The overwriting fits more in this section, in terms of it all being so robotically separated, because it's an adult talking - an authority figure no less - but for her? You need to know whether that is in fact how she would speak and act.

In answer she opened her purse [s]she had been clutching tightly[/s] and began to rummage inside[s], peering anxiously into it and searching for the item she desired.[/s]

Right, now you can do a number of things here. You can keep 'she had been clutching tightly' but you have to change 'her' to 'the' just before purse. 'In answer she opened the purse she had been clutching tightly' Or just cut the bit I've struck out.

I thought at first you needed to choose one of the two actions at the end as well 'peering inside or searching' but really, you overwrite too much, to the point where you're struggling to fit descriptions and actions into sentences and it's making things seem clunky and awkward. Simplify. One good description is better than a lot of crap. You have a lot of small, unnecessary actions as well. In the next two sentences:

she looks inside her purse. she finds the letter, withdraws it, he reaches out for it in a certain way and asks for it, she places it in his hand, he reads. You could just as easily say she took out a letter and gave it to him and not bother us with irrelevancies.

“Is there no one [s]from your family[/s] left?”

how much [s]more[/s] prettier she looked

***

Okay! So, I actually thought this was pretty good and I certainly liked the mystery of it - some might say it was a bit cliched, but I'm a firm believer in that there's no such thing as cliche; there's good writing and bad writing. You do well, mostly. The two major things you need to fix:

A) Stop overwriting. Simplify. Try to encapsulate things in the one good description. Don't be afraid of contractions.

B) Dialogue tags. Those capitalised errors are horrible to see and really, it's a horrible amateur mistake to make! But don't worry, we all make them when we start out.

Also, try not to go for such aloof, distant writing unless that's typical of the character - I say that because she seems more like a terrified, traumatised girl and the style you're writing in is a bit too clinical for that. Anyway, mostly good stuff! Keep it up.

Cheers

Hiya! Saw chapter 2 and I figured I'd review chapter 1. ^_^

"I": As I was reading, I noticed a lot of sentences begin with "I" in this work. Here, for example:

I banished the uneasy feeling and let a smile take its place. I lifted my arms and daintily stepped down from the stool. I spun around in a circle and watched the material of my dress fly out around me. I gave a happy laugh and glanced back up at Father.

"I" starts every sentence here. Once in awhile, a sentence that begins with "I" is alright, but when they get strung together like that it gets repetitive. Watch for those while you're writing.

Magic? There seems to be an element of fantasy here. Which leads my to two questions:

1- Why is this not in Fantasy Fiction?

2- What is that magic?

What makes me think this is fantasy is the mention of "her mind was silent to me" and the description around that. This girl, and this man, seem to have a kind of mind-reading ability that is magic.

No matter what this work is (fantasy or otherwise), I think you could spend a bit more time talking about what this "magic" is. It would leave the reader a little less confused. ^_^

Overall: I enjoyed this, but I'd work on varying how you start your sentences. Too much of the same word can get boring and repetitive.

I'd also smooth out some confusion with the magic, and what happened.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey Emma ^^ Shina here for a review

Hope you're having fun in Wales xD Sorry I keep PMing you when you should be enjoying that vacation of yours. O_O Yeah, grabbing hold of barbed wire isn't the best thing to do, but I guess once the scar heals you'll have a strangely interesting memory

Here, have a glass of grape soda while I you wait for this review...

I. Nitpicks

A lone balloon floats high in the [s]bright[/s] sky.

I really don't have much to say about this hook, Emma ^^ I've never seen a story begin with a balloon flying in the sky. It's interesting, it follows my 8th grade english teacher's W.A.D.I.W.I. (When. Action. Dialogue. Introduce a character/object. Where. Interesting comment) standards, and it makes the reader want to know more about the importance of this baloon. Perhaps there is some sort of symbollism. I really hope there is ^^ I love symbollism, which is really hard to do by force in writing.

"Bright" seems like a really tell-y word here, so I'd suggest scrapping it. Maybe replace with "morning" or "afternoon" depending on what time it is. It'll give the reader's an idea of daylight without telling them it's bright.

A simple shiny red balloon lost in the vast wash of royal blue.

Remember that it's better to say something big in a few words than to say something small with many. Your descriptions don't need to be sugarcoated with some of the unecessary additions you add. There's simplicity within these descriptions, and that's the charm of it ^^

You also need some commas on those descriptions. I'd also suggest that with some of your descriptions you compare what you're talking about to other objects:

"A simple, shiny red ballon lost in the wash of cornflower blue."

I forgot to mention, but royal blue is kind of a darker blue, so it'd probably make the readers assume it's nighttime. I'm not sure cornflower blue is what you're going for either, but you need to double check that shade

There is not a single cloud in sight – just the balloon happily floating into oblivion.

An em dash should be "--" and don't forget to not put spaces between the dashes and the words.

But is that not the way of life? Do we not all fly off unsure of where we are heading, yet aware that *this journey must come to an end at some point?

*this isn't the correct tense. I think changing it to "our" because it's plural and the journey is really shared by all of them ^^

The comparison between the balloon and the way of life is one I really enjoy. There's a moral to this little balloon story on its own, and I love stories with morals ^^ They're hard to find in present-day literature.

If the balloon had a conscious mind would it suddenly wake up and start screaming? I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk in this happy sky!

Exclamation points are only used in dialogue/thoughts when it comes to novels and stories.

You also need a comma.

The punctuation should either be:

If the balloon had a conscious mind, would it suddenly wake up and start screaming: I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk this *seemingly-happy sky!

*I added "seemingly" because I think the balloon is trying to say that it's just an appearance, that danger really lurks within.

Or:

If the balloon had a conscious mind, would it suddenly wake up and start screaming?
I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk this seemingly-happy sky!

But it is just a balloon.

xD Back to reality. The tone is really relaxed and simple. It's effortless to read, which means that the writer must've put a lot of effort into writing it Good job, Emma. The quality of your writing was not overlooked.

I sit alone on a park bench, watching as the children bounce by me clutching brightly coloured balloons.

This is a little confusing and it needs a bit of rearranging so it's easier to follow:

"I sit alone on a park bench, watching nearby children clutching their brightly coloured balloons, grins stretching across their faces."

The end part is totally optional, I just thought you might want to mention they were happy without saying "bouncing." I couldn't find a way to work that in there.

Splashes of green, blue, yellow and red knock against each other as they are dragged past me.

The "knocking against each other" is a really nice image for balloons.

However, the word "drag" creates images of them being pulled with much effort and more importantly, across a floor or surface. Balloons are light as feathers, and they fly, so they can't be on the ground unless they don't have helium xD

Maybe something like "yanked", which is usually what kids do with balloons. Perhpaps comparing the strings of the balloons to leashes? That's what kids think of them as, anyway xD

The children giggle with each other, their laughter happy and carefree.

You're repeating "happy" a lot, so maybe changing it to a different synonym:

"blithe" or "lighthearted" it would end up as:

"The children giggle with each other, their laughter lighthearted and carefree."

Couples trail them, walking hand-in-hand, enjoying the *feel of [s]the warm[/s] sun against their faces.

I feel like the word "behind" should be after "trail" because "trail" has many meanings.

*Feel should be "feeling"

And the crossed out part is redundant. Sun would be warm and you don't need "the" to address it.

I also enjoy *this sensation, but my love of the sun is overshadowed by the catastrophe of the night before.

*Should be "the" because "this" is really present tense.

I think you're going for that numb tone, so I won't say anything about lack of emotions just yet.

No. Do not think of that.

Italics so it's a thought

Her long brown hair is pulled up in a ponytail.

Comma after long unless "long" is describing "brown."

She is wearing *navvy shorts and a white and blue lycra top. Knee, elbow and shin pads are strapped protectively on. Her tanned skin is flawless and on her pretty face is a look of determination. She vanishes from sight within seconds.

*I think you mean "navy" as in the color

The punctuation on the second line needs a comma after "elbow".

I'd scrap the word "pretty" for the third sentence since you already get the idea she's pretty from the skin description.

None of these people could imagine the horrors of which I have seen. None of these people have the slightest suspicions as to what I am.

The way the narrator puts her past ever-so-plainly ruins kind of ruins the emotion for me. I feel she's summarizing her life and putting it into a few words. Either be more vague or give us more detail and emotion.

Also, I'd use a few conjunctions to help it flow

To them I am just another young woman resting on a bench. A strangely dressed young woman perhaps, but a young woman all the same.

Comma after "woman" and if you want, a semicolon instead of a period after "bench"

Perhaps these blissfully ignorant strangers are too caught up in their happiness to notice the curious air which surrounds me.

I'm getting the feeling you purposely have an numb tone for the MC, but just remember to be consistent with it ^^

I cannot lie and say this lack of attention insults me. I am quite content to watch these people as if I am observing from another world they cannot see.

The comparison to another world is a bit confusing. If it's another world, the strangers not being able to see it is implied. Perhaps invisibility is what you were looking for?

In a way I am.

Comma after "way"

My world cannot be glimpsed by these fainthearted souls – even I find it hard sometimes to bear these unimaginable horrors which hound me.

Glimpsed doesn't feel like the right word. Perhaps "fathomed" or "revealed to".

Em dash is -- with no spaces between the words and the dash.

You're being repetitive with the "unimaginable horror" thing, and it's beginning to lose its effect. If you want to be brief and numb, say it once, maybe twice, but never more. Find another way to say it or describe it or show us.

These unimaginable horrors find me even now. When I close my eyes they are there: ghastly images which taunt me as they dance before me. When my thoughts wander for even a few seconds they are there: eagerly reminding me of painful memories which I would prefer to remain buried in the depths of my mind.

You're halfway telling, halfway showing. Describe what the MC sees. Use some literary devices or compare it to something. If you're going to bring it up, foreshadow with an image.

A fire? Darkness? Loneliness?

I am in agony. Tortured by these apparitions which visit me again and again. I have endured all that I can and I can no longer bear anymore!

No exclamation points unless it's in dialogue.
The repitition of "I can" is confusing and makes me a little tongue-tied. Maybe:
"I have endured all that I can and will no longer bear it."

Still these recollections come to me.

Comma after still.

------------

And the nitpicks are stopping here. I'm not nitpicking your chapter one since you get the general idea of what you've missed hopefully xD

II. Emotion
The main problem I see here is the lack of emotion. You have wonderful imagery and description, but when it comes to the narrator's past and her feelings, you tell rather than show, and you put it plainly. When you write for her, put yourself in her shoes. Put your heart and soul into your characters. The breathing, the heart beating, the vein pulsing. Include it! Give us hints and pieces rather than repeating the word "horrid."

III. Imagery and Description
Imagery and description was lovely, especially in the beginning. However, like emotion, when it comes to your MC, its lacking. You don't compare her to a shadow or tell what she looks like. You don't talk about how the people look at her and you don't use imagery in any of her thoughts about the past nor is there any illustration from how she thinks about her life.

IV. Redundancy
Your character is repeating herself often. Only include what relevant and make your point the first time you say it so you won't have to repeat yourself. After repeating yourself, it loses the vague effect, the numb tone.

V. Overall
This was a really nice piece ^^ I didn't see the slaves coming into the story and it had a great hook. Just work on giving your MC emotions and on giving more imagery and foreshadowing through her thoughts, and of course, those random typos xD

Be careful with being cliche about the "horrors of the past" deal, because it's been done before. I think you've got some twists up your sleeves, though


<---- And here, a loaf of bread for having such a lovely read ^^

-Shina