Dinosaur in the Attic

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22745
Reviews 197
This is a short piece, but it doesn't really live up to the term "short story". It's a little bit fragmented; I'm not fond of the dialogue, in particular. Harsh criticism welcome, of course.

EDIT: Changed the title, as of Yoda's review. This was previously Extinction, if you're wondering.

-x-


It was a well-known fact that he kept a dinosaur in his attic.

They say it wasn’t just a skeletal figurine with plastic bones of ebony, or a shapeless hunk of rock. Its eyes, they whisper, were like pools of leaking ink, soaking into the paper that gave them life. “Was it alive?” ask the children, but they don’t know. He never mentioned his dinosaur, not to them, and they certainly never asked.

Aside from them, it seems that few ever saw the dinosaur in the attic. Information is traded for a silver coin on the black market, but as yet all pockets remain empty and inquisitive minds, unsatisfied. Only one eyewitness account has ever been recorded, taken from the cold white rooms of imprisonment. About him, they say only that his arms were mottled with scars of self-loathing and that his hands, bound, twitched like dying bluebottles with crushed wings.

The account has been paraphrased over the years, and current versions are accompanied by frothing at the mouth. Toothpaste, they mutter knowingly. But it began on a warm autumn morning, when the sun was pale and bleary-eyed and the leaves had shrivelled to wrinkled fingers. A boy had gone to see his grandfather, with a single mission in mind: when he left his grandfather’s, he would know the truth about the dinosaur in the attic.

“Grandfather,” he said in wheedling tones, “I want to see the dinosaur.”

The boy’s grandfather stared wordlessly at a gold medallion, hanging on a protruding nail. When he spoke, his voice was rusted with weariness.

“What’s the magic word?”

The solemnity of the question, and its simplicity, threw the boy.

“Please?” he stammered, the word sticking in his throat. But his grandfather nodded to the rhythm of an antique clock. As the clock chimed and the dancing ladies twirled, he opened the door to the attic.

What the boy saw there varies from storyteller to storyteller. They speak only of the eyes, but others say that the waxy sunlight fell on poised claws and rugged teeth. There were scales, feathers, tails and several heads, and as the boy gulped one turned to him and roared.

The old man is long since dead and his grandson, forgotten, but the dinosaur remains. Recent investigations uncovered an old photograph, neglected by family and lost amongst cardboard boxes and dust. The photo shows a room, an attic, filled with rarities and souvenirs – a model of the RMS Titanic, made entirely from matchsticks; an old-fashioned beret; a charm bracelet; a wedding ring. A deep gash runs down a wooden tabletop.

There is no dinosaur in the attic.
Last edited by Jetpack on Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1090
Reviews 7
You seem to be very hard on your writing style. I thought it was very well done. Exceedingly well done I might say. You might try publishing it in Teenink or something like that. They might be interested in something like this.

No critique from me, just wanted to comment on this excellent story that you wrote.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1294
Reviews 25
You compose magic.
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
This is beautiful!

The prose is really thick and meaty and I think if you tried to write an entire novel exactly like this, it might be too much, but you gave us just the right dose of it. The description is amazing. The whole piece just felt so delicate and... old. It felt like an old story. Which, I guess, is the point.

Harsh criticism you will not be able to find from me. A mild critical question, however:

They speak only of the eyes, but others say...


You have "others" here. With the "they" in front of it, it comes across rather oddly, like you mean all the storytellers ("they") talk only about the eyes, but there are some other people out there that talk about other parts of the dinosaur. But then wouldn't those other people be storytellers as well? Did you mean something like "Some speak only of the eyes, but others say..."

Other than that, this was beautiful. I loved the little details at the end when you're describing the photograph. Very very lovely.

You rock some major socks, my friend!
~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 15698
Reviews 369
Hi Jetpack. I'm Conrad Rice and I'll be your reviewer. :)

I have to say that I really enjoyed this story. It reminds me a lot of something that Neil Gaiman would write.

As far as the dialogue goes, I think it was good for this story. You only had the bare minimum of talking that you needed, and with some stories that is the best course of action. This one was no exception.

What the boy saw there varies from storyteller to storyteller. They speak only of the eyes, but others say that the waxy sunlight fell on poised claws and rugged teeth. There were scales, feathers, tails and several heads, and as the boy gulped one turned to him and roared.


You might consider expanding that into two paragraphs, as I feel it's short length compared to the rest of the story causes a break in the reading, a sort of mental bump if you will. By expanding it, you will help your story flow a little better.

That pretty much covers everything I've got to say. You've really got an excellent story here. PM me if you have any questions, or if you ever post something else, as I would very much like to look at it. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8198
Reviews 203
It was very. very well done. You had my attention at the title, and then at the first line, and then I got sucked into it all. Like someone here has said, beautiful. I can't really find much wrong with it, all except the fact that someone roared at him after he opened the attic door, and I didn't understand who. It was logical, well written, interesting plot wise, and good. I don't think I can say more than that.
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7061
Reviews 277
Hi there Jetpack :)

So, you want some harsh criticism? I'll do my utmost best, but you make very few mistakes.

Let me first draw your attention to the title of your story: "Extinction". I confess that I was not immediately interested in this piece because of its bland and unobtrusive title. The title "Dinosaur in the Attic" that you choose to place as a subtitle is far more intriguing, and that would have got me reading this pretty fast. I suggest switching the title. These one-worded attempts at creating drama never quite seem to be as effective as those titles that really capture the reader's intrigue and intrude on his comfort zone.

The next point that I want to raise is that with your first line you establish the fact that he keeps a dinosaur in his attic as well known. You then, however tell us that there has only ever been a single eye-witness account of the dinosaur. Now, you lost a little credibility with me over here. If it is a well known fact, then as a storyteller you must not treat it like it's a myth. If it is a well known fact you can afford to flaunt the prospect, and you do not need to treat it as though it is something with such little evidence.

My third point, which is incidentally minor, is based off the following sentence:
But his grandfather nodded to the rhythm of an antique clock; and as the clock struck nine and the dancing ladies twirled, he opened the door to the attic.

I'm not going to tell you to kill the semi-colon, although I do think that a period would do a better job in this instance. I am going to tell you to ditch the time of nine o'clock. If you really feel that the grandfather had to wait to ensure that your drama is at its peak, you should make the time 12 o'clock. At least, although it is possibly cliched, it won't make the readers stop and think, "What in heaven's name is the writer doing by making it nine o'clock?" The last thing you want as a writer is your readers losing focus on your story, and focusing instead on something else, like what they perceive to be a minor flaw in your writing.

Your ending, I just wanted to mention, was insanely sharp. I was astounded by its effect. You truly ended this with a wonderful line.

So, my basic feeling on this piece is that it's exceptional. The only real criticism I can make is that it looks like you're trying too hard at times, when you place certain images in the story that aren't vital to its success. You're clearly a gifted writer and I've given you a nice shiny gold star because of it.

I do hope that this review helped.
Have a great one! :)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22745
Reviews 197
Thank you very much, to all the reviewers, and for the gold stars! I've PMed most of you, though, so I'll just use this reply to say thanks again and to reply to Yoda's comments.

Yes, I prefer the title that way myself. I was just a little worried that it would come off as a bit repetitive, using it as a title and in the piece. I don't usually like doing that, but it is a more interesting title, you're right.

I can't really do much about that second point without editing the first line a bit too much for my liking. I think I'll just stick with the idea that it's well-known that he kept a dinosaur in the attic, but nobody knows anything about why, how, when. You know, like everyone knows when somebody's upset but nobody quite knows why. Okay, so it's not the best defence.

And, yep, good point, but the fact that I described it as a crisp autumn morning means that twelve doesn't really fly. I just had the clock "chime". Better?

You did dig this one up from the depths, heh. That's good though, since now I can edit without feeling quite as attached to it as I did when I first posted it.

Anyway, again, thank you all so much for the comments!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7061
Reviews 277
I'm glad I could help.

Actually, I dug this piece out of your portfolio when I noticed one of your reviews on another piece and went through your profile. I really liked the piece so decided to leave a comment.

As for the second point I made, I don't think you need to change the first line at all. I would, however, change the rest of the piece to add a little more conviction about the dinosaur's actual existence. Ultimately what you choose to do is up to you, but I do think that this would help.

I'm glad you changed the clock part. As it stands now, you have neither the problem of a reader who is distracted or of a cliche. It stands very nicely as it is now.

Have a great one!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522



It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney