Green with Envy

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This is an entry for the 'How far can you reach?' contest, which involved picture prompts. Said prompts can be found here; I used the fourth one.

All reviews greatly appreciated. Like my last piece, this has no real plot or character development - it's more descriptive than anything. Title is possibly a working one, since it was titled before it was finished and now I'm not sure if it fits.

EDIT: Thanks to all who have given me a review. I've edited this a little.

-x-

Sometimes the trees called his name on the wind.

Their voices echoed a dying soldier, camouflaged within an identical army, lamenting the beauty of a world he cannot see through blood. The soldier leaves a world behind, but trees are trapped within their own concrete biology, doomed to live and die in the same spot. Like the sluggish caterpillars, trees are ever waiting to shed their cocoon and emerge as vibrant butterflies.

So when they sense a human child, new to life and learning and lore, their younger leaves rustle with impatience and jealousy. They cry out to the child who’s fool enough to pass their way, and rasp a few hoarse words. Some call it a song:

“Tell us, tell us!”

“Show us, show us!”

“Let us see...”

“We’ve never seen it...”

The forest holds its rattling breath when footsteps are suddenly silenced, murdered in broad daylight. The trees can feel fear, and they beckon it closer. It never comes.

“Found the ball, Janice!”

And footsteps are resurrected, carrying the child back to the village at the edge of the forest. Here, stories are told of ghosts that play like woodland creatures, mutilated or with missing eyeballs, so that pus leaks out of the sockets. Children are warned away from the darkness beneath the trees, for that is where the enchanting siren of curiosity composes her most beautiful melodies.

But sometimes, when the trees called his name on the wind, he had no choice but obedience.

He always wondered how they knew his name. It was not uncommon in the village, and neither was his scruffy blond hair, shorn close to his scalp, or his muddy tan mottled with sunburn. Maybe it was the weeds of the undergrowth, promiscuous as they were, who in their grief for loved ones killed underfoot searched for the name of their vengeance. And when he ran, blinded by tears and reddened by anger, into the deepest forbidden realm of the forest, it was the weeds who sealed his doom.

What was he was crying about: an argument dissolved into anxiety within moments of his disappearance? As he lifted a hand to wipe his eyes dry, he felt the weeds draw their tricky fingers out and tighten them around his ankle, and then he fell, crushing ever more of their brethren. He paid for it with blood that ran from his nose and into his mouth, where he tasted its sharpness.

The weeds, unsatisfied, cried to the trees: “Oh, punish him! Punish one of those who dance on our graves!”

The wind blew and the rumour of knowledge wet appetites for the long sought chance to walk the world’s surface. The young trees bent their branches towards the scent of blood, straining to reach the key to escape. The elders, who had followed such trivial dreams as this to their end and woken to resignation, were silent.

A silver birch called his name.

“Come closer to me, my sweet Seeker, Searcher, Hunter. Come closer to me.”

He climbed to his feet to meet the forest’s anticipation.

“Seeker!”

“Searcher!”

“Hunter!”

“Come closer to me,” whispered the silver birch, and he could hear his own footsteps, gagged by the bed of leaves. He swore he felt a thorn at the back of his head, threatening to leech life. Pushed closer, an invisible puppeteer tugged a string on his arm, raising it in mock salute to stroke the bark of that insatiable silver birch.

A pale hand reached out to touch his; sculpted fingers tied bandages of vines around his wrists. Palms met, scars pressed against smoothness, and the forest sighed. For where once a boy stood, there was a silvery girl, shrouded in a dress of silk and as insubstantial as the winter’s snowflake. Her brow was damp with dew and her hair wispy, a newborn’s. She let it fall back against her neck and cried out in a true voice, piercing like the owl’s shrill call, and the trees fell silent. The last of the birch fell from her and she shed a single crimson tear.

For where once her spirit dwelt, a boy was sleeping: frozen in wood.
Last edited by Jetpack on Tue Jul 14, 2009 10:25 am, edited 3 times in total.




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I found this piece very interesting. In a way it reminds me of Edgar Alan Poe, simply because of how eerie and dark it is. I thought it was poetic, even though it didn't rhyme. Nice work, I loved it. Keep on writing, you're good at it =-) bElL3
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this piece is beautiful. It kept suspense with elegance. I'd love to see more of your work.
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)




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Hi Jetpack! This is Conrad Rice again. :)

By the way, I noticed your signature. Are you a Doctor Who fan? If so, I will have no choice but to bug you until we can discuss it. :)

Anyways, my review. I liked this story quite a bit more than your other one. There seemed to be a bit more substance to it, at least in my opinion. It reminded me a lot of the old myths about dryads, and since I'm a mythology geek, that made me happy.

I did notice you mentioned a dying soldier at the beginning and treat him like the main character, yet forget him after one paragraph. It is rather jarring to us poor readers when you do that. Either cut him out completely in favor of the boy, or weave his story and the boy's together. Or tell how the boy was playing soldiers with his friends. Whatever floats your boat.

That does it for me. Once again, great job. PM me if you have any questions or if you ever post another work. I can only sense your frustration at having one-line fluff reviews. Would you like me to send some of my fellow Instructors your way? Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Well, I've requested a couple of reviews in the Will Review For Food threads, so hopefully they'll come through soon.

My intent was just to use the soldier as a metaphor... Hmm. Perhaps the personal pronoun ruins that. I've changed 'the' to 'a' to make it more anonymous, but that isn't really enough. I'll have a look later; thanks for pointing it out.




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Hey Jetback ^^ Shina here as requested ;)



Sometimes the trees called his name on the wind.

This is a decent hook, but I think it needs some rewording. I think you need to scratch "sometimes" and maybe just leave it as:
"The the trees called his name on the wind."

It sounds more mysterious and "sometimes" ruined the suspense of it.

Their voices echoed a dying soldier, camouflaged within an identical army, lamenting the beauty of a world he cannot see through blood.

The first part of this sentence is beautiful, but the sentence is so long that it ruins the flow. I suggest you break it up a bit.


For trees are trapped within their own concrete biology, doomed to live and die in the same spot.

This doesn't seem to relate to the previous sentence, so new paragraph and scratch "for".



[s]So[/s] when they sense a human child, new to life and learning and lore, their younger leaves rustle with impatience and jealousy, and they cry out to the child who’s fool enough to pass their way.

Narrators never use "so" in the beginning of a sentence.
Also, I'd break up the sentence a bit:
"When they sense a human child, new to life and learning and lore, their younger leaves rustle with impatience and jealousy. They cry out to the child who's fool enough to pass their way.


They rasp and whisper a few hoarse words [s]over and over[/s], and some call it a song:

That part is redudnant because you can see that they repeat it. It also ruins the flow. "Some call it a song" should be a new sentence.




The [s]whole[/s] forest holds its rattling breath when footsteps are suddenly silenced, murdered in broad daylight.

Forest is singular.

The trees can feel fear, and they beckon it closer, [s]closer[/s].[s] But[/s] it never comes.
The second "closer" ruins the flow and the mysterious aura to your story. Also, remove "but"




And footsteps are resurrected, carrying the child back to the village *on the edge of the forest.

*At the edge of the forest

Children are *warned away from the darkness beneath the trees, for that is where the enchanting siren of curiosity composes her most beautiful melodies.

I don't think "warned" is the right word here. Maybe "kept" or rewording to make "warned" fit in.


[s]But[/s] sometimes, when the trees called his name on the wind, he had no choice but obedience.

You're beginning a lot of sentences with conjunctions, and it's really not necessary.


As he lifted a hand to wipe his eyes dry, he felt the weeds draw their *tricky fingers out and tighten them around his ankle, and then he fell, crushing ever more of their brethren.

*tricky doesn't seem to fit a description of a weed.

He paid for it with blood that ran from his nose and into his mouth, where he tasted its sharpness.

The weeds, unsatisfied, cried to the trees: “Oh, punish him! Punish one of those who dance on our graves!”

The wind blew and the rumour of knowledge of wet appetites for the long sought chance to walk the world’s surface.


The young trees bent their branches towards the scent of blood, straining to reach such a valuable key to escape.


The end of this sentence needs some rewording. It would be better as:
"The young trees bent their branches toward the scent of blood, straining to reach the key to escape."


[s]And[/s] a silver birch called his name.


For where once her spirit dwelt, a boy was sleeping: frozen in wood.


Jetpack, although you may not have much character development of plot, this was a really good story ^^ It's like the telling of an old legend.

@_@ I'd go over the positives and negatives again, but my right hand is, ack, fail.

Hope this helps ^^
-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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Bon soir, Jetpack. :D
Here as requested! Please not that I'm super lazy, and I tend not to read the critiques before mine. Repeating of things is often common in an Antigone review. =P
And and and! You asked for a shred, so I am not responsible for anything I say that you take harshly. ^_^

Onto your review, dah-ling!

Sometimes the trees called his name on the wind.



So this --was-- a good hook. It made me want to read more, but!

Then we get this little bit:
Their voices echoed a dying soldier,


Which confuzzled me. So, these trees are calling his name, but they are echoing the voice of a soldier.
So are they calling the soldier's name or someone else's? Is the soldier siting there screaming, "JamesJamesJamesJames!"
Ha, maybe it's just me. But I would clear that up a bit.

For trees are trapped within their own concrete biology, doomed to live and die in the same spot.


Take out for. For means that this sentence related to the last, and it doesn't.
It's like saying: I like kittehs. For ice cream is often good at Baskin Robins.
Non sequitur. So no for.
But if I had: I like kittehs. For when I was a child a magical kitteh saved me from certain doom.
Those relate. xD

The forest holds its rattling breath when footsteps are suddenly silenced, murdered in broad daylight


What? So people are randomly murdered in this forest... often?

The trees can feel fear, and they beckon it closer.


Is there a specific reason they like fear, or are they just bored? =P

So I hate my computer. It screws up. I'm afraid I'll have to leave here and review the rest later, sorry.

--Antigone
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85



not to be woke but i just can't go around eating houses
— chi