A silly vampyre story x

‘I felt the icy hand on my neck. Shivers ran through my whole body, my breathing came in quick ugly gasps. Tears were slowly escaping my eyes. I wanted to beg, to plead but no words would come up past the huge lump in my throat. My heart was trying to jump out of my chest. I felt warm lips on my neck, sharp teeth, and then my body shook softly and the pain slowly started to ebb away, the pain, the terror it all went and was replaced by the hunger. He’d come for me. He’d said he would come. He came and he stole my life, my breath and now I will kill him. But he won’t have another life after death. This time, this death, this one was permanent. I felt my nails grow and sharpen. I spun around lightning fast, and sliced my nails through his flesh. He screamed in pain, grabbed his throat, and fell. He looked up at me with pain in his eyes and asked why. I stood back and laughed at him. I told him he was stupid to have turned me, he should have just killed me. It was then that he started to laugh. He moved his hand. He wasn’t dead, Oh CRAP.’


I got bored a few weeks ago x what do you think?

You should put a dot after dead, makes it more dramatic. other than that, I think that you should tell more specific thoughts. Such as, coming to terms with the fact he had come, or boiling rage or, what? We're not sure what your MC thought about him coming and turning her...
I liked it. I wish you could write more, because it was really interesting. Your prologue was interesting, even if it was short. I loved the end, it gave your character more voice!
If you post more then please PM me,
ofir

I felt the icy hand on my neck.

Good hooky beginning. ^^

Shivers ran through my whole body, my breathing came in quick ugly gasps.

I think it would be better if you connected these two with an “and” instead of just a comma.

Tears were slowly escaping my eyes.

This is rather passive. Have it more direct: “Tears slowly escaped my eyes.” The “slowly” lets it down though. Make it more colourful and emotional, perhaps with a different verb? “Tears streamed from my eyes.” Or something like that.

I wanted to beg, to plead but no words would come up past the huge lump in my throat.

Comma after “plead”.

My heart was trying to jump out of my chest.

I think it would be more dramatic if you described her heart beat. “Jumping out of my chest” is a bit clichéd and immature. Perhaps, “My heart was fluttering against my ribs like a bird beating frantically against the bars of its cage.”

I spun around lightning fast, and sliced my nails through his flesh.

“Lightning fast” is also clichéd and immature. It reminds me too much of song ‘The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny’. Just have it as, “I spun around and sliced my nails through his flesh.” Or maybe, to give more of a sense of motion: “I spun around, sliced my nails through his flesh”?

He screamed in pain, grabbed his throat, and fell.

A bit anticlimactic, don’t you think? Spin the moment out, add a simile, some imagery so we really get the impact.

He looked up at me with pain in his eyes and asked why.

Bit boring. He’s been slashed and he shows “pain in his eyes”?

He wasn’t dead, Oh CRAP.

I have to say, that is one of the worst endings ever. Sorry. But it really is. “He wasn’t dead, Oh CRAP”? First off, all caps look pretty unprofessional. And as you’ve been going for quite a serious tone previously, an “oh crap” seems really teenage. Coupled with the very important information that should come as a real shock, it’s a real let down.



This was very well written. You have a nice smooth style. However, it seems as though you started off all excited about this and then you got bored and decided to finish it off in a hurry. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but that’s how it seems. It’s only the last few lines, but these are still crucial. They contain the information that the guy is (I assume) a vampire who isn’t dead or anything, and you just plonk it down and expect us to go “Ooh!” and “Ah!” without you making any effort at all. To quote multiple people but especially Sam Tyler, “God is in the detail.” And there are no details! It’s like, “so I laughed at the guy and then it turned out that he wasn’t dead after all, which was a bit of a bummer.”