The Path

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The Path
Note- This was inspired by my godmother's death, she was like a second mother to me. She always supported my writing; this is for her, thank you Becky! I hope you all enjoy, please review!

It was with quiet reflection that he gazed along the barren path. The depth-less expanse, so resoundingly silent, repulsed him. It was the unknown, personified before him; the fear we all feel when so abruptly faced with it, was manifesting itself within him.

It was an alien feeling this fear, it was not sheer terror, it did not suffocate, nor did it wholly consume. Rather it grew; twisted, writhed and clawed. It wrapped its black tentacles around his heart, gripping it in a cold, relentless embrace, the warmth of feeling fleeing from its touch.

The feeling of isolation weighed heavily on his chest, crushing the very air from his lungs. It brought him to his knees, his shoulders slumped and for the first time since beginning his journey, he gave into despair.

As he sat, shoulders shaking, his tears falling into the dust below him, he thought of her. Her determination that was the fuel to the fire always alight in her amethyst eyes. Her stubborn chin that she had inherited from her father, a contrast to her delicate jaw, that when set emphasized her unwavering dedication to her latest idea or decision. They were a pair that always argued; she was forever contradicting his reasoning and always winning no matter how irrational her case was.

She would have laughed at him now; shake her head, as if he were just acting like the child she had known throughout her own years as one. She had always been the more adventurous spirit, the one that pushed his rule abiding nature to leap when all he wanted was to hop.

She would have told him to get up, to stop acting so defeated. She would have hoisted him up by the arm, and pulled him down the path. She would have grinned when he stumbled and as always run ahead, daring him to catch her.

But she wasn’t there to. She wasn’t there to help him up, she wasn’t with him to help him find the will to begin and she couldn’t run ahead, leading the way. Her smoldering eyes where not there to cast their determined gaze and ignite his heart.

And yet his sobs quietened, the vision of her laughing face setting in him a new determination. She was waiting. Slowly he rose; squaring his shoulders he took his first steps, the first steps into the unknown, the first steps down the path…


The darkness engulfed him, threatening to consume him. He struggled to break free, refusing to lose himself to the misery that was tugging at the very edge of his being. He felt himself being pulled in a thousand different directions, and as he was about to succumb, he felt himself break free.


The light was blinding, so pure and radiant. Surrounding him, encasing him in its gentle glow. A backward glance rewarded him with the sight of the path he had taken, winding, twisting, and turning. At the entranced there lay a figure, unmoving, its position one of a broken man. In an epiphany he realized that the defeated figure was his own. It was the self, the shell he had discarded and left behind.

He turned his face to welcome the light, now embracing its warmth, there lay the end of the path. At it stood an incandescent figure, one illuminated in light. As he drew closer, the women’s features became clear, they were familiar. Her amethyst eyes, smoldering still with their fires, were once again cast at him.


She was smiling, her head slightly tilted, as if to ask ‘what took you so long?’ Her hand reached out to his.

He returned her smile with a slight shrug of his shoulders, silently replying ‘sorry, I lost my way. But I found it… because of you.’
Last edited by Imagination'sQuill on Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:49 am, edited 2 times in total.
~Quill
"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players..."
-- William Shakespeare




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Hello, I will go through my little corrections first, I seem to have quite a few, but I might have just been being pedantic... xD


It was an alien feeling this fear, it was not shear terror,


A typo I presume, seeing as you spelt it right in the next paragraph! :P


The sheer feeling of isolation weighed on his chest, crushing the very air from his lungs.


The fact that you've used 'sheer' twice in quite quick succession kind of takes away from the feeling you're trying to convey. Try switching one of them, I think it will read better that way! :]


Her determination that was the fuel to the fire always alights in her amethyst eyes.


This caused a bit of confusion for me, I think you mean 'alight', because otherwise you are using the verb form of alight, which would be saying 'Dismount, descend, notice something accidently'.


They were a pair that was always in an argument; she was forever contradicting his reasoning and always winning no matter how irrational her case was.


I think the first part (before the semi-colon) doesn't seem to flow that well. I think you should tweak it a bit, maybe along the lines of 'The two of them were always in an argument', or 'They were a pair that always argued'.

She would have told him to get up, to stop acting so deveated


Defeated?


She wasn’t there to help him up, she wasn’t with him to start him down the path


The thing with this sentence is that you'd already used the phrase 'down the path' at the end of the paragraph before, I don't think the repetition works.


But his sobs quieted, the vision of her laughing face setting in him a new determination, she was waiting.


I think you mean 'quietened', it would certainly fit better anyway...


In an epiphany he realized that the defeated figure was his own, or had been.


I don't think you need to include 'or had been' at the end. As a reader, my mind already jumped to that conclusion, stating it seems to take away from it a little!


The stubborn chin, her amethyst eyes, smoldering with their fires, fueled still by determination, were once again cast at him.


This sentence doesn't seem to fit together very well to me, it's very descriptive, but perhaps there are too many clauses. Maybe you should consider separating it into two sentences?


She was smiling, her head slightly tilted, as if to ask ‘what took you so long?’ Her hand reaching out to his.


I think 'reached' would fit better here.


He returned her smile, with a slight shrug of his shoulders, as if to reply ‘sorry, I lost my way. But I found it, because of you.’


I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with this sentence, but it doesn't fit together as well as it it could, mainly 'as if to reply' and everything prior. I definitely think it would work better by changing 'as if to reply'...


Well now I've finished being pedantic, I have to say that I enjoyed reading that! It was a lot of potential with some minor tweaks, and maybe a little more detail into the past of the relationship? But the descriptions were good, and on the whole, a solid piece of writing! And it goes without saying (but I will anyway): keep up the good work!
"Nostalgia's just not what it used to be..."




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Hey there, I'm The.Dreamwalker, but most people call me dreamwalker or DW or even TDW but you can call me whatever you like :D. And I'm going to give your a few pointers really quick. Nothing to crazy cause it seems Plus-One already did the job for me ^_^

So let's get started.

The imagery in this piece is very intimidating XD. Just thought I would get that across first. I found that a lot of the descriptions were strange in the way the sentence structure worked, which made me back track a few times. Dont get me wrong, the language was flawless other then the few remarks made by Plus-One, it was just very confusing when it came to how things were laid out.

It wrapped its black tentacles around his heart, and like the wind, snuffed out the flame of determination and hope within him.


For example, this bit here has a whole mess of imagery. It changes from this idea of black tentacles squeezing this heart to the wind snuffing out a fire. It jumps really quick, and in that becomes a very wide base for confusion in your readers.

A way to fix that would probably be to keep with the same theme's in sentences like this. Go on a bit about the black tentacles and the heart. Add some more imagery of that scene then jump to the next paragraph or so, for I found this terribly intimidating to catch hold of all of it in such a small piece.

Overall

Other then that, brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. You, my friend, have talent that some writers older then I couldn't possibly find within themselves. Your vocabulary is absolutely phenominal and the imagery was absolutely beautiful, if not intimidating.

I give you an obvious gold star for a wonderful and emotional piece :D.

Sorry for the short review though XP.

~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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"The darkness engulfed him, threatening to consume him. He struggled to break free, refusing to lose himself to the misery that was tugging at the very edge of his being. He felt himself being pulled in a thousand different directions, and as he was about to succumb, he felt himself break free."

I'm sorry, but i love that part! i liked this alo




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Yay! You wrote more!
Kay, well, on the the reviewing/critiquing:

It was an alien feeling this fear, it was not sheer terror, it did not suffocate, nor did it wholly consume


It was an alien feeling, this fear. It was not shear terror. It did not suffocate, nor did it wholly consume.

I think this sentence should be two. Or more. It doesn't flow right to me. And even when I correct, it still doesn't flow right.
It needed a comma after feeling. Shear was spelled wrong.

that when set emphasized her unwavering dedication to her latest idea or decision


You need a comma after set.

And yet his sobs quietened,[/qoute]

Is that a word? I don't know. But I would put quieted in there instead. It helps the flow.

The darkness engulfed him, threatening to consume him.


Threatened instead of threatening. Again, it helps the flow.


All in all, I love it!
Makes me kinda sad. Teary eyed, you know?
Amazingly done, Cara.

-Aly.(:




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Cara! My love!
This is just as magnificent as when I read it the first time.
(personally, I fell honored that I was the first of all these people to read it!)
I love how your angel seems so haunting and welcoming at the same time!
I can see her now, looking down upon him, then greeting him in such a loving manner.


Very good work Cara, as always(:
-Whisper words of wisdom...[b]let it be[/b].



#longlivebigbrother
— alliyah