True Recollections : The Memoirs of Laura Creyton [Preface]

As the leaves fall and the temperatures drop – It becomes September, the month that changed my life forever. Despite the passage of 75 years- The events of my teenage years have stayed with me all my life.

It was hard to imagine that something of such great magnitude could happen to me, but you could almost say I needed a wake-up call into reality. When I was younger, I was one of the 'cool kids,' but as I come to see it now, I was really just being a bitch to everyone around me. I took everything I had for granted. It took the one person I came to know the greatest to help me to change by ways.

But now, to begin, I must take a walk through the section of Rosewood where I lived. Although the area has since been modernized and changed- Every time I walk along it- I envision the land where I grew up. I am waking in the town square, which slowly merges from platinum steel businesses of big corporations to the red brick, family owned businesses. People walk across the street plagued with braces and glasses, diabetes and AIDS. The metal lifters on the street for the hover cars disappear- and cars roll slowly to the ground, gasoline puffing out of the engine.

I walked passed the real estate center, which was The Crown Café, where I would go with this person and my other friend on Wednesday afternoons for Cappucinos and Muffins.

I inhale as walk further. I pull the photo album out of my purse and take out my laptop as I sit down on a patch of grass. Looking through the album, tears shed my eyes. My memories become crystal clear, and I am ready to begin.

This was good. So far as all the prefaces I've read, this was certainly one of the better ones. It gives the reader an idea of what the story is going to be about and gets them hooked without going into too much detail. Often times writers will write a iography at the beginning of the book, and congratulations! You didn't do that! You were able to give us an insight into the characters thoguhts and feelings, describe the setting, and describe the character without any long-winded monologues. The main thing I noticed, however, was that you used dashes incorrectly. They should really only be used if dialouge is being interrupted, or if you are adding a thought that is acting more as a side note. You seemed to use them in place of commas.

As the leaves fall and the temperatures drop – It becomes September

That should be a comma. I also think it should be temperature drops.

Despite the passage of 75 years- The events of my teenage years have stayed with me all my life.

That should be a comma.

It took the one person I came to know the greatest to help me to change by ways.

This sentence seemed a little bit odd to me. I think you meant "my", not "by", but besides that the sentence was just phrased awkwardly.

Although the area has since been modernized and changed- Every time I walk along it- I envision the land where I grew up.

Those should be commas.

where I would go with this person and my other friend on Wednesday afternoons for Cappucinos and Muffins.

I'm not sure why you capitalized cappuccinos and muffins. Also, cappuccinos should have two "s"s.

Other than those few little things, good job!

Hello,

I'm in a rush but I wanted to give a quick review!

thedelphinater did a good review and there isn't much else to be said. I definitely agree, PLEASE use commas instead of the -'s.

the red brick, family owned businesses.

the Red Brick, . And the family owned business part I guess could run smoother with a group of corporate family businesses or something.


I'm sensing that this is an elderly woman reflecting on a time in her past, our present? It is very nicely written but remember that this is a 75 year-old woman so some maturity in the way she explains her surroundings in her present should be that. I am assuming that it is rated R for future chapters or parts?

Awake wrote:Hello,

I'm in a rush but I wanted to give a quick review!

thedelphinater did a good review and there isn't much else to be said. I definitely agree, PLEASE use commas instead of the -'s.

the red brick, family owned businesses.

the Red Brick, . And the family owned business part I guess could run smoother with a group of corporate family businesses or something.


I'm sensing that this is an elderly woman reflecting on a time in her past, our present? It is very nicely written but remember that this is a 75 year-old woman so some maturity in the way she explains her surroundings in her present should be that. I am assuming that it is rated R for future chapters or parts?

Yes, I'm sorry. This a very rushed, uniedited first draft, and I need to work on it a little more. I don't really have insight to what the future might be like- just the generic things i need to work on. For the quote, its supposed to be "the red brick, family owned businesses" like the family owned buisnesses are red brick. you are correct about its rating. Later on it gets a little icky -.-

Hi again,

Maybe I wasn't clear on what I was saying about the quote;

Not to be sounding like in in a snit but your family owned businesses can not be a red brick. Family businesses can not be bricks. The family owned businesses can be held in tall, old and well respected red brick buildings but they are not red bricks. The name of the family businesses can be red brick, if the name of the family owned businesses is red brick then Red Brick should be capitalized.

Anyway, I think we need to step back and open-minded look a just that sentence and tr y to make it run smoother, perhaps, using different wording. Even when I'm writing my own pieces I also have come across such sentences.

If there is anything further you need, just PM me.