Wild Red Leaves

They reached the forest just in time to see te sky turn crimson behind the elm trees. The loose pebbles covering the dirt road bounced up against the car, scratching the paint and sticking in the tires. Kate drove as far in as she could before the road disappeared, and she had to brake.

"This is it," she said.

"You're joking." Silas looked out the window, examining the landscape. Two squirrels chased each other up a tree; a low-hanging branch looked as if it were about to crush their vehicle; a gust of wind made the leaves dance in mid-air, before they settled back down to the ground. It was a friendly forest, but she could tell that he was uncomfortable surrounded by nature - her nature. When he turned back to Kate, there was something almost dangerous in his eyes. "You're crazy, Katelyn."

"You wanted to see my home." She flicked a curl out of her eye; the black lock of hair simply bounced against her forehead and reclaimed its place.

Silas traced his finger where the rip in her jeans exposed a circle of dark brown skin. "I don't believe you," he said.

Kate shrugged. She adjusted the seat so that she was lying on it almost perfectly straight and stared up at the sky through the car's sunroof. The sunset light gave her a muted red glow, shining down through emerald tree-tops and rouging her t-shirt. Now that the sun was going down, she wished she had a jacket. "It's cold."

Silas's hand began to crawl up her thigh, leaving a sparkling residue where he touched her. "I could warm you up," he said. He shifted somehow, sinuously, so that he was on top of her in the driver's seat, while his fingers worked to undo her jeans.

"Don't."

He ignored her, kissed her neck.

"Don't," she repeated, louder, and tried vainly to shove him off.
"Hold still," Silas murmured into her ear. He groaned. His pants were somewhere on the floor of the car, under the glovebox. His hands slipped beneath her practical bikinis, slipped them off. For a split second, she thought she wanted him more than anything, but then Kate shut her eyes, tried to block it out. abcdefghijklmn...

Very suddenly she felt something wet move between her legs and then Silas' weight lifted. A large, hissing snake was winding itself around her lower half; dimly, she noticed that its skin was the same shade of golden that Silas' hair had been, and the sly look in its bulbous, red eyes was one that she had seen in his many times. It had driven all the girls crazy when he gave them that look.

Kate had never been one of them. The snake's tongue was flicking in and out; she scrambled for the door handle, panicked, to get it out. Her hands scratched at the window.

And then there were no hands, but only large, clumsy paws.

Paws. Coarse black hair - not hair, fur - everywhere. The reflection in the glass revealed ferocious canines, long whiskers, cat eyes. She smashed one of her gigantic, ugly paws at the window in anger and smashed it: shards exploded out like a bomb blast. One of them slit her perfectly triangular nose before falling, covered in blood, on the floor of the car.

And then there was no car, only the forest. The forest with its new panther, trailed by a golden snake with poison in his eyes.

{for Cal's Some Kind of Chorus contest:
song: Devil in Me by Kate Voegele - lyrics
word: 001. deus ex machina
the title is from Carl Sandburg's Under the Harvest Moon}

Woah! Did not see that coming! Very good. I'm not sure if you are deciding to continue this, but if you are please PM me. I would very much like to know what happens next!
Please help me on this though.
Where did they come from? School? Or is it Summer? I know this is not important, but I would like to know.

Hey Mars-- thanks for the review on my entry; it was indeed helpful, and I did edit some. ^^ Thought I'd take a look at yours!

Alright, so. I was going to critique this yesterday, but I got sidetracked somehow and didn't end up doing it. But! I noticed you changed the dialogue from the way you had it before, with the little dashes, to more traditional quotation marks? Yes, well. I'm not sure quite what the reason for that is, but I actually kind of liked the original way you formatted the dialogue. Maybe with italics, too. It was interesting, and I think I could appreciate it even more towards the end-- when I knew that they weren't just regular humans, they were something supernatural, perhaps they deserved a more supernatural way of speaking. But, that could be just me.

And you obviously changed a lot of other things since I read it the first time. So. Let's see.

Next:

She flicked a piece of fringe out of her eye; the curly black lock of hair simply bounced against her forehead and reclaimed its [s]former[/s] place.

Using 'reclaimed' and then 'former' is a bit redundant, and I don't think you need the latter.

And, secondly: A piece of fringe? Hmm. Not my ideal word choice, to be honest. Couldn't you say something like, "She flicked a curl out of her eye; the black lock of hair simply bounced against her forehead and reclaimed its place."

"You're so hot,"

Meh. I don't know, 'hot' isn't the word I'd think of if he's being the sexy, seductive type. It seems too immature for this scene, like gossiping high school cheerleaders instead of dark, lovely words. Perhaps rephrase into something more along the lines of, "I want you." Or something. That's only marginally better, so you'll have to toy around with it.

He shifted somehow, sinuously, so that he was on top of her in the driver's seat, while his fingers worked to undo her jeans.

and then Silas' crushing weight lifted.

If his weight is crushing her, she'd have noticed when he first got on top of her, maybe gasped at the pressure. You either need to mention it in that first section or scrap the adjective.

And then there was no car, only the forest, with a new panther, black as night, trailed by a golden snake with poison in its eyes.

This sentence drags along, which is not good given the fact it's your closing. There were too many commas and too many 'withs' connecting it into a run-on. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, but start by chopping it up--maybe something like this, although this certainly isn't the best rewording:

And then there was no car. Only the forest, empty but the panther, black as night-- and the golden snake trailing her with poison in his eyes.

I changed the 'its' to the gender-specific pronouns only becuase I think it makes the trasition between human into animal here even clearer, which the readers kind of need.

Overall, good job on this! I thought it was a little short, maybe, but the idea was probably best explored quickly and to the point, so I won;t complain too excessively on that. I think Kate could use more emotion in the beginning (and, for that matter, throughout the whole story) just because I wanted to know more of what she felt, showing a guy she thought was human another side of her that was different, obviously a side that she resented. Explore that resent for her being different a bit more in the beginning, perhaps?

Good luck in the contest! ^^

~Evi

It's really good, but I have one problem with it. you describe too much. Every little detail is described, so much that you forget whats going on and it takes away from the story.

Peach! <3 I give you... ... ... {aren't you glad I love ellipses?} ... ... ... MY 150th REVIEW! <3

I. Little Things

They reached the forest just in time to see te sky turn crimson behind the elm trees.

Well, I'm sure you meant 'the sky'. ;D Also, when we think of this as an opening sentence, it doesn't really have any interest-value in it. What about that sentence makes me want to read more? They got somewhere when it was getting dark. Okay. So what? It's pretty, but I think you could start with the action-y description of the car. =]

The loose pebbles covering the dirt road bounced up against the car, scratching the paint and sticking in the tires. Kate drove as far in as she could before the road disappeared, and she had to brake.

I think 'loose pebbles on the dirt road' would work better. And I don't think you need that last comma. I do like this part, though, because it's got a lot more gritty/pebbl-y action than the other sentence does!

The sunset light gave her a muted red glow, shining down through emerald tree-tops and rouging her t-shirt.

The way you structured this, it gets confusing because the subject focus goes from the sunset to her, but then you keep on describing the sunset, even though we're already thinking about her now. Also, if it gave her a muted red glow, it's obviously going to do the same to her t-shirt, so you don't need to describe both. =D So, you could do something like 'The sunset light, shining down through emerald tree-tops, gave her a muted red glow.' -shrugs-

His hands slipped beneath her practical bikinis, slipped them off.

Bikinis? I'd say like bikini underwear? Otherwise it sounds like there's multiple, even though I know you're just referring to a 'pair'. Huh, it just gets awkward.

The snake's tongue was flicking in and out; she scrambled for the door handle, panicked, to get it out.

To get what out? The snake? Maybe you could say she was just panicked to get out, because surely she could also just get out and it would do the same thing? xD

The forest with its new panther, trailed by a golden snake with poison in his eyes.

Ewwie. I don't like this description of the forest as possessing the panther, or of the panther as new. I LOVE the 'golden snake with poison in his eyes', though. That is fantastic. Maybe just find a different way to describe that the panther was now in the forest blah blah. Vest my panther. <3

II. Overall

I like this piece, but Twilight has ruined the world. Now when I see genuine characters that suddenly turn into other things, it's like 'omg Jacob, whut?'. I think this comes from the fact that you killed the characterization after the characters went into animals. I mean, no, they shouldn't talk, but maybe describe certain actions that they performed that fit with their personality. You did some of that with the snake, but it was only in the looks, which is kind of generic.

I know it's just a short piece, too, so it shouldn't require too much elaboration, but the ending doesn't really leave me with any kind of feeling at all, ambiguous or not. They left. Okay, now what? <3

I love you, Moomars. PM me or like, MSN me if you have questions.

NEW STAR FOR ME~~~~~~~~

-Hannah-