The Cabinet

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Out of all the days in the week, Wednesday had to be the worst for me. Right in the middle. That’s where I was now, in the middle of class distracted by the fly buzzing around the ceiling and coming dangerously close to the fan. Secretly I wanted it to hit the fan, desperate for something to happen.
Towards the front of the class was our teacher, Mr. Gregory, weakly pacing back and forth.
Mr. Gregory should’ve retired many, many years ago. His throat sounded like it was on the brink of collapsing and most of his hair had fallen away with the years. He’d taught faithfully for so long that the school board didn’t have the heart to let him go, even though his memory had a few semesters before I came. He was talking about chapter fifteen when we started twenty two days ago.
I slid my sandy ponytail back, my hair had started sticking to my neck, the small beads of sweat forming a type of glue between them. I eyed the clock again, it’d been three minutes since the last time I glanced at those black hands. I glared at them; they weren’t on my side.
Mr. Gregory stumbled over to his seat, out of breath and hopefully done with his speech. I looked at the other students to my right. Every body was slumped, heads dangerously close to their desk and on the brink of sleep. The left side was a mirror image, except for Dylan.
Dylan was always attentive. Not bright and happy, but you could tell he was aware and listening. Nothing got by him.
When he first arrived at Milwaukee High, everyone was interested. New students to us are like diamonds. Immediately rumors started from our school’s miniature clique. Claire started the one about him being in jail, with his bad-boy looks and dark hair, everyone believed it, even me.
He always avoided the clique and eventually they lost interest. He proved all their rumors wrong, but in subtle ways. There was no possibility such an excellent student could ever have gone to jail. I used to think he was cold, but he helped me when I dropped all my papers by picking up my binder upside-down.
“Thank you.” I told him in awe of being so close to him. He was so quite it felt like he wasn’t real.
“You’re welcome.” He mumbled bluntly.
He never seemed to look at anyone, not even the teachers when he was called on. I felt like the only survivor of being intrigued by him. People lost interest after two years and no show. I still had faith in him; I knew he was special.

My eyes were still on Dylan when I noticed his black ones slide over to me then jump away at the contact.
I sighed and returned to watching my fly. I traced patterns on the ceiling following it’s flight. The students were silent, even though we had permission to talk, no one had the energy. Too hot.
Forty five ticks after meeting Dylan’s dark eyes, my fly braved the fan. I gasped as the fan won, loosing sight of the poor insect. My gasp was loud in the hot silence and a few heads turned, two even raised up. I felt my bottom lip stick out farther than usual and I looked down at my thumbs.
I jumped at the near deafening screech of Dylan’s chair being pushed back. His body was tense, his hands balled into fists. Lazy heads turned from me to his direction watching as he stalked over to the back of the classroom. Despite Mr. Gregory’s protests, Dylan continued.
My eyebrows knotted in confusion. Where was he going? I thought. There’s nothing, but extra microscopes and empty cabinets back there.
Judging by his posture, Dylan knew what he was doing. He impatiently threw open one of the cabinet doors and stepped inside. My eyebrows raised.
“Out! Get out of there right now, Mr. Turner!” Mr. Gregory was trying to yell, but barely got over a whisper. I doubt Dylan even heard him.
He turned around in the close space, the cabinet perfectly fitting his height. For the first time in my life I saw the corner of his lips pull up at one side. He waved slightly in my direction, then closed the squeaking door.
The class seemed unfazed, probably thinking this was all a dream. Anthony even laid his head back on the desk, as if nothing happened. The loose skin on Mr. Gregory’s red neck jiggled as he stormed to the back of the class.
“What on Earth?” He wheezed, trying to open the door, but his crippled fingers failed him. “Luke, come open this.”
Luke dragged his feet over to Mr. Gregory and opened the thin metal door with a click. He let it swing open and I craned my neck trying to see around them, to see Dylan.
Our ancient teacher started to sway and Luke caught Mr. Gregory before he could reached the floor. My eyes ignored them, too busy staring at the empty metal cabinet.




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This surprised me. It was actually different from the others. Congratulations.

“Thank you.” I told him in awe of being so close to him. He was so quite it felt like he wasn’t real.


There should be a comma after 'you', not a period.

“You’re welcome.” He mumbled bluntly.


Same with this one. It should look like this: "You're welcome," he mumbled bluntly.

Anyway, I liked the whole 'defying expectations' thing, and I thought your descriptions were astonishingly clever; I just want more of them. What does the classroom look like (besides all the dozing kids, which I liked)? and what color is the sky out the window? and does the kid sitting in front of her have a fake tattoo of a raccoon on his neck?

I also want to know more about the main character. Not too much, since she is not the focus of the story; not really. But enough that I can see her. Is she one of the invisible kids? Is she vaguely popular, or incredibly lame and nerdy? What does she look like, and why does she hate the color purple? Or stuff like that.

Other than that, though, this was really good and I liked it. More? I'm curious.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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Twigg
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I noticed just the one spelling error 'rumors' which you only missed out the 'u', so it should be rumours.

Apart from that I didn't notice any other mistakes, or anything significantly wrong with grammar etc. I really do like this story and it really has made me curious like ChernobyllyInclined had also said. I do hope there is another part. :D




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Hi,
Welcome to YWS. First off you should go do two reviews right away. It's sort of a rule, so that everyone gets an equal amount of reviews and all that stuff. Second, you have a superb talent. You had me totally surprised at the end. I really hope you write more, because I will defiantly read it.
Now, on to the good stuff :wink: All my edits, comments and suggestions will be in bold.

:arrow:
Out of all the days in the week, Wednesday had to be the worst for me. Right in the middle. That’s where I was now, in the middle of class distracted by the fly buzzing around the ceiling and coming dangerously close to the fan. Secretly I wanted it to hit the fan, desperate for something to happen.

Towards the front of the class was our teacher, Mr. Gregory, weakly pacing back and forth.

Mr. Gregory should’ve retired many, many years ago. His throat sounded like it was on the brink of collapsing and most of his hair had fallen away with the years. He’d taught faithfully for so long that the school board didn’t have the heart to let him go, even though his memory had a few semesters before I came. He was talking about chapter fifteen when we started twenty two days ago.

I slid my sandy ponytail back, my hair had started sticking to my neck, the small beads of sweat forming a type of glue between them. I eyed the clock again, it’d been three minutes since the last time I glanced at those black hands. I glared at them; they weren’t on my side.- Love this line

Mr. Gregory stumbled over to his seat, out of breath and hopefully done with his speech. I looked at the other students to my right. Every body was slumped, heads dangerously close to their desk and on the brink of sleep. The left side was a mirror image, except for Dylan.

Dylan was always attentive. Not bright and happy, but you could tell he was aware and listening. Nothing got by him.

When he first arrived at Milwaukee High, everyone was interested. New students to us are like diamonds. Immediately rumors started from our school’s miniature clique. Claire started the one about him being in jail, with his bad-boy looks and dark hair, everyone believed it, even me.

He always avoided the clique and eventually they lost interest. He proved all their rumors wrong, but in subtle ways. There was no possibility such an excellent student could ever have gone to jail. I used to think he was cold, but he helped me when I dropped all my papers by picking up my binder upside-down.

“Thank you,” I told him in awe of being so close to him. He was so quiet it felt like he wasn’t real.

“You’re welcome,” He mumbled bluntly.

He never seemed to look at anyone, not even the teachers when he was called on. I felt like the only survivor of being intrigued by him. People lost interest after two years and no show. I still had faith in him; I knew he was special.

My eyes were still on Dylan when I noticed his black ones slide over to me then jump away at the contact.

I sighed and returned to watching my fly. I traced patterns on the ceiling following it’s flight. The students were silent, even though we had permission to talk, no one had the energy. Too hot.

Forty five ticks after meeting Dylan’s dark eyes, my fly braved the fan. I gasped as the fan won, loosing sight of the poor insect. My gasp was loud in the hot silence and a few heads turned, two even raised up. I felt my bottom lip stick out farther than usual and I looked down at my thumbs.

I jumped at the near deafening screech of Dylan’s chair being pushed back. His body was tense, his hands balled into fists. Lazy heads turned from me to his direction watching as he stalked over to the back of the classroom. Despite Mr. Gregory’s protests, Dylan continued.

My eyebrows knotted in confusion. Where was he going? I thought. There’s nothing, but extra microscopes and empty cabinets back there.

Judging by his posture, Dylan knew what he was doing. He impatiently threw open one of the cabinet doors and stepped inside. My eyebrows raised.

“Out! Get out of there right now, Mr. Turner!” Mr. Gregory was trying to yell, but barely got over a whisper. I doubt Dylan even heard him.

He turned around in the close space, the cabinet perfectly fitting his height. For the first time in my life I saw the corner of his lips pull up at one side. He waved slightly in my direction, then closed the squeaking door.

The class seemed unfazed, probably thinking this was all a dream. Anthony even laid his head back on the desk, as if nothing happened. The loose skin on Mr. Gregory’s red neck jiggled as he stormed to the back of the class.

“What on Earth?” He wheezed, trying to open the door, but his crippled fingers failed him. “Luke, come open this.”

Luke dragged his feet over to Mr. Gregory and opened the thin metal door with a click. He let it swing open and I craned my neck trying to see around them, to see Dylan.

Our ancient teacher started to sway and Luke caught Mr. Gregory before he could reached the floor. My eyes ignored them, too busy staring at the empty metal cabinet.


This story is very good, but it could use a little more description. Tell us what the classroom was like, a little more about Dylan and how he looked going into the cabinet. Otherwise you have done an excellent job :D

If you need anything PM me!

Love,
N
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem




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Hey there, JessaRose! Welcome to YWS!

Before I begin this review, I just want to mention that YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, which means that for every story/piece you submit, you should review at least 2 pieces prior to your submission. Please review two pieces as soon as you can. :)


Now, for your story:


The beginning was excellently written. Quite effective in setting the tone for the story. Nice job on that.


I'm going to point out a few things I noticed:


My eyes were still on Dylan when I noticed his black ones slide over to me then jump away at the contact.


What do you mean by "black ones" here, dear? Shoes? Binders? Clarify yourself, so that the audience has a better grip on the story. ;)


He was so quite it felt like he wasn’t real.


I believe that quite here should be quiet, dear?


Also, I just want to make a note on what Twigg pointed out: The English/UK spelling of rumor is rumour, but the American spelling lacks the U; she noted it as a typo, but your spelling is correct.


You've done a wonderful job here. Everything about this was monotonous until the very last moment. Your description was great; we could feel the boredom of the Main Character as we read. I love how you produced a subtle, yes astonishing climax to this.

Thanks for the read. Nice work on this, dear, and welcome to YWS!
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!

Wow, that was absolutely amazing!
Was this a short story?
If not I would love for you to PM me if there is more!


Well, that's it! Bye!!
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.




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Wow. I luv it but more description about Dylan. Other than that...WOW!
Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing. -- Benjamin Franklin




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I really like the story. It is very suspenseful there are a few grammar errors. Other than that it is really good. I hope there is another part.

Mr. Gregory should’ve retired many, many years ago. His throat sounded like it was on the brink of collapsing and most of his hair had fallen away with the years. He’d taught faithfully for so long that the school board didn’t have the heart to let him go, even though his memory had a few semesters before I came. He was talking about chapter fifteen when we started twenty two days ago. I love this part.
Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing. -- Benjamin Franklin



A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac