Heartless, a book im starting, please help with editing

The morning dampness clung to my face, and also to my own displeasure, my hair.(Like I actually wanted to flat-iron this mess again)But I paid no mind to that. I was enjoying the "moment in time" way to much to be caught up in silly petty prep girl things.It was about, I don't know, lets say 5:30, and I was on one of my adventures. Its times like these where I think "The world is mine", and "I'm untouchable". But then it dawns on me, sometime later,that the world is not mine and I am not untouchable, unbreakable(because I'm actually kinda fragile....mentally of course)or indestructible. I'm just Summer Night, 5"6, brown almost black eyes, shoulder length black hair,very normal, but in some ways very not.
Unlike many girls my age, which is by the way 14, I like it when it rains. When it rains I'm hypnotized by the sound and the look. Rain makes me think, makes me write, makes me wanna run out and scream in pleasure, MAKES ME WANNA!!!!!...........uh anyway, I'm not freaked out by split ends, I actually think mine are somewhat cute, and lastly, my favorite colors are not pink and yellow, but in fact they are red and black. Well I also like neon green, highlighter orange, and dark purple but only when paired up with black. Those colors could never work with me unless with black.
Well I guess that's not all of what makes me different. There is also the fact that I keep seeing things that aren't there, and no not you're typical corner of the eye crap, I actually SEE things! Now please don't think of me as crazy, no, think of me as observant, and second don't think I'm gonna go on and on about the things I "see" because I really don't see things often, but when i do, oh when i do, its well, really something.
Yeah, well the other reason I'm not a normal teen is my overactive conscience.Like, if I'm going the wrong way or making a fatal decision my legs lock up, I start shaking, I start to sweat, and a voice yells "No! Wrong Way! Don't Do It!!", or something like that. That somewhat explains why I have straight A's. I mean how can mark a wrong answer with a voice screaming at you "No! The answer is not B its D! D i tell you! D!!"
Yeah, well I also (yes there is more) have a very good sense of hearing...when I try. Like if I just sit and listen I can hear practically everything. Everything is so clear, not loud but clear. Now, I can't hear a ant's heartbeat or anything like that, but I can hear a lot. Details of what's happening. Which is why I like the rain. I like hearing each drop hit the pavement, and grass. I can hear even better when i close my eyes. But my hearing has jacked up my seeing, which is why i have these black and red thick rimmed glasses. I don't care because they look good on me.
I threw my head back to look at the sky. The usual pink/purple-ish tint of the usual early morning sky was replaced by various shades of grey and black. My spirits lifted because that usually signaled rain,thunderstorm or no thunderstorm, I don't care, there will be rain. I sat swinging back and forth with my head thrown back counting the different shades of grey, waiting for the rain to start.
"15,16,17,18", a drop of water hit my face, and I smiled,"19,20." As I counted the clouds shifted and it rained harder.As soon as I could hear the satisfying roar of water I got up and walked.
I stuck my hands in my plaid skinny jeans and started off through the giant park. I walked to the intoxicating sound of each drop. Splash! Drip. Drop. Splash! If I stopped trying to hear so closely the rain sounder like a dull roar, which was also calming. Something drew me away from the captivating noise of the rain. Quick intakes of breath. I turned towards the sound. Through the curtain of rain, there was a figure on a nearby bench.
"Needs help!" The voice...My voice came back again. I f my conscience says to help....I help. I walked to the person noiselessly. I t was a boy, I could tell, and, even though he was soaked, I could see his hair was ash black.
"Um. Excuse me." He lifted his head slowly. I caught sight of him and couldn't breath.His eyes were beautiful. White on the rim until darkening to grey and then a deep black in the very middle . His hair stopped just below his ears. He was well perfect, in my eyes anyway. He was staring, no, gazing at me actually. It made me feel uncomfortable. Even though his eyes were red tinted and puffy, and his nose was red he was...well.... I don't know. He wasn't cute or hot, but somewhere in between. And it seems that in between is better than anything I have ever saw in my life.
"Oh! Um, uh . I was wondering if..uh..." He laughed a broken little laugh, it made my heart flutter.
"Well hi. My name is Demetri Fox." I gasped, even his name is amazing. He patted the spot next to him and I shakily went to sit.
"Oh! Uh, I'm Summer Night." He took my hand and smiled before gently pressing it to his lips.
"Very nice name. Nice to meet you Ms.Night." We just sat there. Him holding my hand. Me holding his eyes.
"I was just wondering what you were doing out alone ...so early...in the rain. He dropped my hand to smooth his hair.
"I could ask you the same thing." I smiled.
"But Mister Fox I asked first." He sat up more erect and I pulled my self up to sit cross-legged facing him. He turned his head my way and laughed. The sound made me dizzy.
"Interested?" I shook my head yes.



well that is all i have on this story sofar and as you can see i need help...a lot of help so please help

Hi,
Welcome to YWS! First things first, we have a little rule here that you have to review two stories for every post, just to make sure that everyone's work gets reviewed. Now, onto your story. This was an interesting piece, although it needs a little work, but that's what I'm here for It was posted a little oddly, maybe it's just they way that you copied and pasted it, but I would check on that.

So, onto the review. All my edits, concerns and comments will be in bold:

The morning dampness clung to my face, and also to my own displeasure, my hair. -Brackets make work like childlike Like I actually wanted to flat-iron this mess again, but I paid no mind to that. I was enjoying the "moment in time" way too much to be caught up in silly petty prep girl things.

It was about I don't know, lets say 5:30, and I was on one of my

adventures. Its times like these where I think "The world is mine",

and "I'm untouchable". But then it dawns on me, sometime later,

that the world is not mine and I am not untouchable, unbreakable -- because I'm actually kinda fragile....mentally of course -- or

indestructible. I'm just Summer Night, cool name, I

know. 5"6, brown almost black eyes, shoulder length black hair,

very normal, but in some ways very not. Unlike many girls my

age, which is by the way 14, I like it when it rains. When it rains

I'm hypnotized by the sound and the look, makes me think,

makes me write, makes me wanna run out and scream [b]I'm

pleasure, MAKES ME WANNA!!!!!- This all here is a bit awkward, maybe try rewriting it[/b]...........uh anyway.I'm not freaked out

by split ends, I actually think mine are somewhat

cute, and lastly, my favorite colors are not pink and yellow,

but in fact they are red and black. Well I also like neon green,

highlighter orange, and dark purple but only when paired up with

black. Those colors could never work with me unless with black.

Well I guess that's not all of what makes me different. There is also

the fact that I keep seeing things that aren't there, and no not

you're typical corner of the eye crap I actually SEE things!

Now please don't think of me as crazy, no, think of me as

observant, and second don't think I'm gonna go on and on about

the things I "see" because I really don't see things often, but when I

do, oh when I do its well...really something. Yeah well the other reason I'm not a normal teen is my overactive conscience. Like if I'm going the wrong way or making a fatal decision my legs lock up, i start shaking, i start to sweat, and a voice yells "No! Wrong Way! Dont Do It!!", or something like that. Which explains why I have straight A's. I mean how can mark a wrong answer with a voice screaming at you "No! The answer is not B its D! D i tell you! D!!"Yeah well I also

(yes there is more) have a very good sense of hearing...when I try.

Like if I just sit and listen I can hear pratically everything. Everything is

so clear, not loud but clear. Now, I can't hear a ant's heartbeat or

anything like that, but i can hear alot. Details of what's happening.

Which is why i like the rain. I like hearing each drop hit the pavement,

and grass. I can hear even better when i close my eyes. But my

hearing has jacked up my seeing, which is why i have these black

and red thick rimmed glasses. I dont care because they look good

on me. I threw my head back to look at the sky. The usuall pink/

puple-ish tint of the usual early morning sky was replaced by various

shades of grey and black. My sprits lifted because that usually

signaled rain, thunderstorm or no thunderstorm, I dont care, there will

be rain. I sat swinging back and forth with my head thrown back

counting the differnt shades of grey, waiting for the rain to start."15,16,

17,18", a drop of water hit my face, and i smiled,"19,20." As I counted

the clouds shifted and it rained harder. As soon as I could hear the

satisfying roar of water I got up and walked. I stuck my hands in my

plaid skinniesand started off through the giant park. I walked to the

entoxicating sound of each drop. Splash! Drip. Drop. Splash! If I

stopped trying to hea so closely the rain sounder like a dull roar,

which was also calming. Something drew me away from the

captivating noise of the rain. Quick intakes of breath. I turned

towards the sound. Through the curtain of rain there was a figure on

a nearby bench. "Needs help!" The voice...My voice came back

again. I f my conscience says to help....I help. I walked to the person

noiselessly. I t was a boy, I could tell, and, even though he was soaked,

I could see his hair was ash black. "Um. Excuse me." He lifted his head

slowly. I caught sight of him and couldnt breath.His eyes were

bueatiful. White on the rim until darkening to grey and then a deep

black in the very middle . His hair stopped just below his ears. He was

well perfect, in my eyes anyway. He was staring, no, gazing at me

actually. It made me feel uncomfortable. Even though his eyes were

red-tinted and puffy, and his nose was red he was...well.... I dont know.

He wasent cute or hot, but somewhere in between. And it seems

that in between is better than anything I have ever saw in my life.

"Oh! Um, uh . I was wondering if..uh..." He laughed a broken little

laugh, it made my heart flutter. "Well hi. My name is Demetri Fox."

I gasped, even his name is amazing. He patted the spot nex to him

and I shakily went to sit. " Oh uh im Summer Night." He took my hand

and smiled before gently pressing it to his lips. "Very nice name. Nice

to meet you Ms.Night." We just sat there. Him holding my hand. Me

holding his eyes. "I was just wondering what you were doing out alone

...so early...in the rain. He dropped my hand to smooth his hair. "I could

ask you the same thing." I smiled. "But Mister Fox I asked first." He sat

up more erect and I pulled my self up to sit cross-legged facing him.

He turned his head my way and laughed. The sound made me dizzy.

"Interested?"

I nodded my head yes.

I cannot stress how important checking your work is. You have so, so many spelling mistakes that I could not fix them all. If you would like me to I can, just PM me. Don't let what I'm telling you discourage you, I know when I posted my first piece I was horrible for not checking, I just got too excited and wanted to post my work for people to read. Please try to check your work for spelling mistakes, it will look much cleaner.

You have a lot of potential with this story. Please keep writing. I want to see what happens to Miss Summer Night, love the name btw.

PM me if you need anything!

Love,
N

I know. I know. Im sorry, I sould have checked my work. -and by the way Summer Night is my real name -

Hey Loveless! Are you named after the anime? I love that show!

Anywayyy, onto your review!

Welcome to YWS! First, I must tell you that we have an absolute rule about no chatspeak. This means no abbreviations such as "plz" for please. We are a community of writers -- so we write correctly.

Sorry, but there are far, far too many errors to give this a proper critique. Instead, let me give you some hints!

--Always. Always. Always. Capitalize I. I cannot stress this enough.

Correct: I went to the store.

Incorrect: i went to the store.

--Use apostrophes in contractions.

Correct: Don't come in, I'm sick!

Incorrect: Dont come in, im sick!

--Use spell check. It's your friend.

--Whenever someone new speaks, start a new paragraph. Your work is about three paragraphs, and noting the dialogue, it should be several more.

PM me if you have any question!

--Antigone

Yes. I know. Very sorry. You see I write for fun, and often forget how important editing is. I should pay more attention to my work. Thank you for the advice. ^^

Hi there. you've had soem thorough crits already so I'm not going to go all the way through. my pointers would be on making sure that the intro. doesn't drag. Also, I sensed some textspeak invading your work, and this is not tolerated here.

Still, I did enjoy it. I'd like to read the next draught, I think, to be less distracted by the grammar issues.

I came to read your piece, thoguh, because I have written a book and called it Heartless. Am I going to have to fight you for the title?

Hello LoVeLeSs! (That was fun to type!) XYZinnia here to review!

Warning: I might say something that Templeton, Lakegirls, or Antigone might have already said. If so, I’m sorry!

It would appear you already got the grammar lecture, so I’ll skip that part. So, here we go!

The morning dampness clung to my face, and also to my [s]own[/s] displeasure, my hair.

That “own” sounds strange to me. We already know it’s you your talking about, so I would get rid of that.

I was enjoying the "moment in time" way to much to be caught up in silly petty prep girl things.

Wait, not a moment ago you said she was upset her hair was wet. So somewhere in the back of here mind, she is getting a little caught up. Also, the last bit sound strange to me. That “silly petty pep girl things” part. I think there are too many adjectives. You would still get your point across if you left out “silly”.

It’s times like these where I think "The world is mine", and "I'm untouchable".

I think “this” instead of “these” would sound better.

I am not untouchable, unbreakable(because I'm actually kinda fragile....mentally of course)or indestructible.

Like said before, I would get rid of those parenthesis. It kinda ruins the sentence.

I'm just Summer Night, 5"6, brown almost black eyes, shoulder length black hair,very normal, but in some ways very not.

Summer Night is your real name? That’s so cool! Unfortunately, when people have awesome names like that in books, it comes across as childish. Almost like a fairy’s name. Also, it fells like your cramming too much information in this sentence. You might want to let information fall into place. Before you mentioned her hair, right? So why don’t you let it slip in her hair is black? Another thing, that last bit of the sentence is bugging me. I like it, but I feel like I was expecting more from it. Almost as if it left me hanging there. But that’s probably just me.

Unlike many girls my age, which is by the way 14, I like it when it rains.

The “which is by the way 14” reads a little funny to me. Also, I know a lot of girls who love the rain. Most do, actually.

MAKES ME WANNA!!!!!...........Uh, anyway, I'm not freaked out by split ends, I actually think mine are somewhat cute, and lastly, my favorite colors are not pink and yellow, but in fact they are red and black.

Ok, the whole “MAKES ME WANNA!!!!!” makes this look very unprofessional. Kinda like your not telling a story right now, but a Biography. Also, more info dumping.

Well I also like neon green, highlighter orange, and dark purple but only when paired up with black.

I don’t see how this is relevant to the story.

Well, I guess that's not all of what makes me different.

Yay for commas!

think of me as observant. [/b][s]and [/s]S[/b]econd, don't think I'm going to go on and on about the things I "see"

Slang isn’t very good for books unless a character is talking. I suggest you don’t use a lot of it.

Yeah, well the other reason I'm not a normal teen is my overactive conscience.

“Yeah”, that word doesn’t sound good. It sticks out. You should be writing a story, not talking about yourself.

"No! Wrong Way! Don't Do It!!"

One “!” on “Don't Do It" would get the point across. Any more then one exclamation point looks unprofessional.

I mean, how can I mark a wrong answer with a voice screaming at you "No! The answer is not B it’s D! D I tell you! D!!" ?

Fixed ‘er up.

Yeah, well I also (yes, there is more) have a very good sense of hearing...when I try.

There’s that “Yeah” again.

Everything is so clear, not loud, but clear.

Comma!

But my hearing has jacked up my seeing, which is why I have these black and red thick rimmed glasses. I don't care because they look good on me.

“Jacked up” is not the best way to put that. I thought that last sentence was a bit blunt. Maybe you could say how she ignored the mean comments?

The usual pink/purple-ish tint of the usual early morning sky

Slashes aren’t good for stories, either.

I sat swinging back and forth with my head thrown back

Er, I don’t recall you saying she was one a swing. If she’s not, “swaying” would be a more appropriate term.

“15,16,17,18", a drop of water hit my face, and I smiled,"19,20."

Ha! When I first saw this I thought it said “15,161,718”! I suppose to avoid further confusion, put spaces between the numbers. (So it’s 15, 16, 17, 18, instead of 15,16,17,18,.)

As soon as I could hear the satisfying roar of water I got up and walked.

Walked where?

I stuck my hands in my plaid skinny jeans and started off through the giant park.

When did she get to the park? You should probably say she was at the park before now.

I walked to the intoxicating sound of each drop.

Ok, rain falls all over the place. It doesn’t lead in one direction. So, she can’t walk toward the sound of each drop.

"Needs help!" The voice...My voice came back again

I think “He needs help!” or just “Help” might sound better.

"Um. Excuse me." He lifted his head slowly.

I know it’s pretty apparent who’s talking, but you still might want to say it’s her.

His eyes were beautiful.

How could she see his eyes if it was so rainy?

White on the rim until darkening to grey and then a deep black in the very middle .

I think that’s impossible for eyes to look like that. Is this a fantasy book? I can’t tell. Again, I find it hard to belive she can she in such detail through this rain, especially since her eyes are bad and her glasses should be fogging up.

He was, well perfect. In my eyes anyway.

I’m a punctuation freak, I know.

He was staring, no, gazing at me actually.

Isn’t that the same thing?

and his nose was red he was...well.... I don't know.

I don’t think she could see if his nose was red or not.

"Oh! Um, uh . I was wondering if..uh..." He laughed a broken little laugh, it made my heart flutter.

Who’s talking?

"Well hi. My name is Demetri Fox."

Demetri, nice. However the “Fox” part is kinda fairyish too.

Him holding my hand. Me holding his eyes.

Lovely line! Maybe “I” would sound better than “Me”, though.

"I was just wondering what you were doing out alone ...so early...in the rain.”

If his head was down the whole time, when did he see her?

"But Mister Fox I asked first."

Up until this point I thought Demetri asked first. Remember to say who’s talking!



Anyway, I thought this was very good. If you just fix the grammar and punctuation it will be even better!

See ya around!
-Y

Heya
I'm not very good at this reviewing, but i think other people have done a good job.

I think this is a very good story very captivating

I really liked it and it made me laugh a couple of times.


I like the name Summer Night, it is very umm


I'm not sure how to describe it but i like it.


I like how you described the boy, and how you said he was Perfect, well in her eyes.


Since the girl has your name is it written about you??Or just got your name and made up??


You can PM me the answer if you wont because i porbably will forget to come back on, to your story. Lol


I will go and read part 2 now.
Borntoshop.