Ouroboros of Heaven

Ouch!

Move along.

Hello. This looked lonely so I thought I'd come give it some company.

Ok, I won't lie--this confused me a lot. It felt to me like a long list of almost philosophical statements, developing a character who we neither know nor care about. I mean, you'll need to take a step on this one. Ask yourself, quite plainly, about what an earth is going on. I wasn't engaged. I felt that, although your writing flowed -- you used your vocabulary well and the words didn't randomly overflow -- there was a lot of excess. The thing is, there's no spine on this piece. It's just flesh and fat and unflexed muscle. Try communicating your idea through simpler tones and voices, smaller words that are more common in your head than a thesaurus. As it stands, it reads more like an essay than a story. Or even character recognition/development.

You begin talking about a name, and then you say it's mysterious, and then you start describing things appear to me to bare no resemblance to the sentence two lines before--a long list of distractions this seems to be. Take this one example:

Maybe it is self-deprecating to use the communication device to which I claim to be limited for expression of a state of mind [1] which might be considered a hell by some [2], but I have no method other than this at hand [3].

Right, those three formats are what I want to talk about.
1: Dragging on with nothing of much relevance. I think this is a face that you're going on about. You spend 16 words writing the definition of a face. I think. I can barely tell. It seems as if you're referring to a face, but what you say are just things that we think of when we hear "face" anyway, so nothing is contributed, really.

2: I have no idea what you're going on about. Are you calling your face ugly, or something? I took me several reads to get that picture, and even it's not true, you don't want that--poetry has a meaning that readers are more willing to read in order to find, but prose is different. It needs real life characters that breathe and talk and walk and speak. After this, I really am wondering whether, as you said at the start, this character even needs to exist. And you don't want that, even if it's just to create effect.

3: "It's all I have." It uses fewer words to communicate an equal message, and it's blunt and easier to read. A lot of writers do this. What you think at the time that you write isn't what first springs to mind when we read. We have to have clear identification, not excess bulk. We need a story--bring in an event and expand the ideas, don't tell us about a character's sadness, but show us, and then you can leave room for words like this.

You have the potential to be a decent writer, but don't waste it. It feels as if I can't penetrate the pebbles on the beach, and so my eyes just skip over them. Draw us. Show us, with words, bones and a story.

I hope I have helped.
Blinky