That Summer On The Edge

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It all started last summer. When I was on the edge.

I’d been outside for a good half hour, standing against the railings that separated Globe Street, my neighbourhood from Talent Avenue, the next one along. It was June and the smell of summer was on my skin and the sky was turning into black, black and nothing else. From the bangs and rattles of car exhausts back-firing in distance streets, to the way those alley cats like to stalk out from the bushes and brush along your legs when they know you’re out on your own, my heart was hammering like no tomorrow. I’d woken up that morning feeling like I was just about to fall off some thin edge, and I hadn’t been able to shake it off all day.


Globe Street itself wasn‘t a good hiding place. You could always hear everything that everyone is getting up too, toilet business included. The old fashioned street lights that were so old they were like gas burners, and the black benches and the whisper of the trees you always had the feeling you were standing on some kind of stage. I heard the scraping of dinner plates, the bleating of crickets in the overgrown gardens, the barking of tired dogs and the worry of a bunch televisions tuned to the same news programme and most importantly my best friend’s sneakers screech across the pavement.

Luck Disney. Two months younger, two inches shorter, light years behind. A worried face and these great big nervous eyes that were always kind of darting around in crazy directions when he spoke to you. He wasn’t well liked, I mean, he was known and all, but not well liked. But he was kind, and he was hardworking and loyal, he was loved. That kind of stuff you can’t really contend with. That, I couldn’t contend with. He ground to a halt in front of me and wiped sweat off his brow and said

‘Before you go blowin’ the top- I’m sorry, I really am-’

‘You’ve got five seconds. What the hell you got me waiting out here for you all night?


‘Wednesday, tonight,’ he puffed, ‘Family night. I couldn’t get away. I tried.’

I laughed at him. He flinched, stared at the ground with his lips pursed in humiliation.

‘Family night should be the last thing on your mind,’ I said ‘I mean, are you crazy?’

His eyes narrowed.

‘We’ve been through this. I thought we had. I didn’t do it, Che!’

‘I can’t ever know that for sure. You’re not taking seriously.’

‘Seriously?’ he cried, loud enough for the family in the nearest house to hear ‘I’ve been threatened by a pack of drug dealers that are going around saying they’re gonna kill me. You don’t think I haven’t taken it just a little bit seriously? I haven’t slept in a week, Che. You any idea what that’s like? How lonely I feel- day in, day out, all these thoughts and voices…I can’t eat…I can’t tell my Mom what’s really wrong, or my Dad, ‘cause they’ll call the police-’

‘You know why that’s out of the question,’ I said quickly

‘Oh, yeah,’ he laughed emptily ‘I know. We don’t want you getting into any trouble over this. I get it. Hell, I got it a long time ago.’

‘You make me sound like a traitor,’ I said ‘when really, you’re the one-’

‘I toldya already, I had nothing to do with that phone call! Why would I want to rat out them if you were involved? If you were any type of friend you’d….’

‘I’d what? Risk my own back waiting around to warn you to get the hell outta here before they come for you? In the cold, for an hour, oh wait. I’ve already done that.’

A nasty silence. Well, it was until a crazy old cat started screeching somewhere in the folds of greater New York. I wondered why I could feel tapping on either side of my legs until I looked down and realised my fingers were twitching like hell. I took out my cigarettes.

I didn’t bother offering him one. Even if we’d been on good terms he wouldn’t have taken it. Clean living, was my old pal. It was while I was lighting up that I saw that his jacket was inside-out. All of a sudden I felt this terrific swelling in my goddamn throat so I said

‘Be smart. Go home, get a bag, clothes, any money you have, passport. I’ll get you out of here. For good.’

He mumbled something to the dirty sidewalk.

‘What?’

He looked up at me.

‘I said, you were the one who wanted to leave here. If it’s so easy for you to get me out, why haven’t you left before?’

‘For you- it’s easy,’ I said, flicking my match on the ground and stubbing it out ‘me…not so much. I’ve got stuff to do around here that’ll never be finished. Then there’s Mom. Money. It all adds up. You, on the other hand-’

‘I’ve got an audition tomorrow! And a family, just like you!’

‘I’ll get you to the audition. You’ll get the part- earn money, move your folks outta here too.’

‘You make it sound simple.’

‘Well it is, isn’t it?’

He looked close to tears.

‘I don’t think so. When did it happen, Che? Us, you and me.’

I felt myself going red. He was always talking like that. Straight to the embarrassing, feelings stuff.

‘Don’t be stupid, Luck. We’re still fine, you and me. I ain’t got a problem with you- you know that. But when the guys get an idea in their heads-’

‘I don’t mean that, I mean…us, this, everything. Globe Street. Look at you. Now look at me. What do you see?’

‘What do I…? Luck…what are you…’

‘Tell me what you see- Che,’ he said, sharply. I looked around.

What did I see? I saw a claustrophobic snow globe of suburbia, only, without the money and the good cars. Just a bunch of shack-like houses jammed together, a bunch of losers stuffed into the crummy dens and kitchens, eating their stupid dinner, sighing in their loveless marriages, too sickened to accept their doom, too scared to go anywhere else. I saw, filthy gutters and the shining orbs of light that the streetlamps held, I saw shadows saunter down the sidewalk and disappear, I saw Abe Gamford’s old corner store, where I first got lifted by the cops for stealing. I saw my car, I even saw my little yellowish house. Suddenly, Globe Street had never looked so small, so childish, like an old jersey too small to stretch across me anymore.

‘I see…..home,’ I said.

‘Che,’ said Luck, and he took hold of me by the front of my jacket and drew me in close to his face. I was so shocked, I was immobile, ‘this doesn’t have to be it,’ he said in a whisper ‘this. You. Che Fitzgerald, eighteen and still living with his mother, smoking weed with his friends and playing who’s life on Globe Street will we fuck up next, you know? Screw you trying to help me- let me help you for once! I’ll get us both out here!’

Despite everything, my stomach swooped upwards. And then, it crashed.

‘How. How the fuck can you get me out of here. What’s wrong with you Luck? When are you ever going to open your eyes and see that you and me are not the same. You’re gonna be a good boy, get the hell outta here before you’re killed- and I, well….’

‘What?’ he took my cigarette out of my mouth and crushed it under his foot. I could have head butted him easily, but I didn’t. Instead I held his gaze until he backed away.

‘What the fuck else is there to do for me?’ I said, throwing my arms up ‘I’m the idiot who couldn’t understand a word the teacher ever said- no money, nothing. Let me tell you what I’m gonna do, Luke. I’m going down with this fucking ship.’

‘I won’t let you,’ he spat ‘and don’t ever call me Luke.’

‘It’s your name, isn’t it?’

‘It’s Luck. What, you too frightened of your friends now that you can’t even call me by the name you gave me?’

‘Don’t be gay. Don’t speak to me anymore- go home and get your stuff.’

‘No. Look, I’ve got it all worked out, you come with me to New York, we can do the auditions together! You were always better than me, you know that. At the singing, at the act-’

‘Luck, fuck up right now.’

‘Don’t be so touchy-’ he put a hand to my shoulder.

‘I said FUCK,’ I went for him, ‘UP right NOW!’

I went to hit him , but I stopped just in time. He kind of wilted against my arm. I shrugged him off and he staggered, dazed, backward onto the street.

‘I don’t have time for this gay shit. Fuck you Luck. I’m not gonna ask you again-’

‘Is this what you do? You people?’ and suddenly it felt like someone had thrown a bucket of water over me, except the water on my skin turned to ice. He was crying. He bent over onto his knees for a minute, and I thought he was going to throw up or faint or something, but he just wiped his nose on his sleeve and stood up. His expression had changed. He seemed to be realising something terrible.

‘Luck, I-’

‘Is it? The whole- I don’t give a shit about anyone, except the people I love- yeah, anyone who gets too close can get abuse and wish they never met you! What is wrong with you? I’m not fucking leaving my own street just because you don’t have the balls to defend your best friend! I’m your only friend Che!’

He turned and walked away

‘Where’re you going? They’ll come for you! Please, look, I’m-’

‘But you don’t care, Che. Isn’t that right? You don’t care about anyone. I’m going home, Che. I’ll see you around.’

‘You can’t!’

‘I love you, d’you know that?’ he was on the other side of the street then ‘I loved you like my own brother since I was four. Take it whatever way you want too- but it’s true. I only hope some day, somebody will come along and hit you deep enough for you to be sorry when you punch their lights out. All I hope.’

‘LUCK! WAIT!’

He just turned at the bottom of the street and waved, which was our secret signal to each other that whatever had just been said was dissolved, waved and disappeared. Somehow though, the wave had changed into something bitter, superficial and fragile.

I stood there for a long time, listening to sounds of dinner and my own solitude rise up around me again. Then I left. And as much as I don’t want to have to say it, that was the last time I ever saw my best friend again.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.




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Hi, Eimear! I don't think we've met. ^_^
I'm Pop, and I'm just going to give a quick review of this today.

A line-by-line of this would take far too long, but please keep in mind that this needs a bit of work (grammatically speaking).

First off, I'd suggest running through this again - there were quite a few areas where you left out a period and completely disregarded punctuation. This is a pretty rough draft, so make sure you double-check your stuff before you feel completely content with it.
It's small grammatical errors that add up and really distract from the essence of a piece. For me, this would've been a much more enjoyable read had there not been so many simple punctuation mistakes. It really helps to read over your work at least a day after you've finished it - that way, it's easier for you to go through and edit, since what you've written isn't completely fresh in your mind.

Alright, so this wasn't half bad. A tad confusing at first, but overall, a nice idea. Your description in the opening paragraph was the best by far, and I particularly enjoyed the instance where Che was describing what he saw - or, "home".
The only thing I have to critique description-wise is Che himself. Other than the average 18-year-old pothead, I don't have much of an idea of his personal appearance. I guess that's alright though, seeing how well you make up for it via character.

Ok, so I've got a pretty good idea about Che's personality, as well as Luck's, but there are a few things that would probably be best if cleared up. For one, in your opening descriptions of Luck Disney, you mention he wasn't very well liked. Why not?
That's a prime example of telling, not showing. Rather than showing us through his actions, you've just said people don't like him. But, just after that, you go onto say how he's loyal, kind and loved. That idea seems a bit muddled to me.

And (I'll just throw this in) maybe this was just me, but I have no idea about what kind of situation Luck is in. Obviously, it's a life-or-death consequence with drug dealers, but I have no idea how he got into that mess. I think if you were to somehow at least give a hint as to how he ended up in that situation, then you'd have a lot more to work with character-wise. On one hand, you can show the sneaky side of Luck and his affiliations with drug dealers. On the other hand, you can show an innocent Luck, who just so happened to get caught up in something awful.
Ok, so those are bad examples, but you can get creative! Expand on your ideas.

Also, I really liked the relationship between the two. You pulled this off very nicely; the dialogue was perfect. I definitely can picture two old friends talking to each other as I read this - there was nothing formal about it at all. Nicely done.
I also very much liked the element of the audition in New York. That was a nice touch - you managed to not only show a different side to Luck, but to Che as well; all because Luck mentioned he had always been better at singing and acting. Character development-wise, that was a fantastic move, and you managed to show that effortlessly through dialogue.
Character interactions definitely seem to be your strong point. Spectacular work!

That's about all I have to say about this. Overall, it's a really morbid sort of story; simply because it's so real. These kinds of relationships and events really do happen, whether or not people want to accept it. You gave this whole scene a lot of life and a lot of power. Again, nicely done!


Pop
...Bitter cold, it grows
changing holds
cynicism the new norm...

-Libretto




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Hello there,

You'd be my very first critique-ish project in a very long time, and I'm on touchpad and just the slightest bit uncomfortable, so I'll start with the nitpicks, aye? After a tiny wee commentary.


The beggining is a very good one, I have to say that. In way of an intro, it was fantastic, since it set the scene pretty nicely, musing almost, not just throwing words. And so the reader is drawn in carefully, subtly, and there is no need for some action packed scene to make the first few paragrahs interesting. I like the merging of the morning, of the waking up with the 'now' of the waking up. Very, very nice.


***

quote:
The old fashioned street lights that were so old they were like gas burners, and the black benches and the whisper of the trees you always had the feeling you were standing on some kind of stage.

Run-on.


quote:
the barking of tired dogs and the worry of a bunch televisions tuned to the same news programme and most importantly my best friend’s sneakers screech across the pavement.

'bunch of televisions'. Add commas to that last interference (and, most importantly, my (...)).


quote:
He wasn’t well liked, I mean, he was known and all, but not well liked.

Add a hyphen up there: "well-liked". Also (just a suggestion) to vary sentence structure, to emphasise the sentence - add that little thing before my "add". Dash, I guess, and so a longer version of the needed hyphen before.


quote:
But he was kind, and he was hardworking and loyal, he was loved.

Add another and before the "he was loved"? Without it, the sentence seems wrong, run-on. You could always get rid of the pronouns, I suppose, but this way the sentence would be fixed with little interference, and would remain in the style it was written.


quote:
That, I couldn’t contend with.

Shrieking little comma, not really doing much - I'd kill it off. In fact I'd backspace the whole sentence, the argument being 'it just looks odd and I don't like it', but that's just a suggestion.


quote:
He ground to a halt in front of me and wiped sweat off his brow and said

Dialogue punctuation. Comma.


quote:
‘Wednesday, tonight,’ he puffed, ‘Family night.

Period instead of comma after tag.


quote:
Well, it was until a crazy old cat started screeching somewhere in the folds of greater New York.

I don;t like the "well comma blah blah" sentences, I just don't.


quote:
Clean living, was my old pal.

Sentence structure familiar, theoretically fine, but it has an awkward ring to it. Consider rephrasing?


quote:
I saw a claustrophobic snow globe of suburbia, only, without the money and the good cars.

No comma after 'only'.


quote:
I saw, filthy gutters and the shining orbs of light that the streetlamps held, I saw shadows saunter down the sidewalk and disappear, I saw Abe Gamford’s old corner store, where I first got lifted by the cops for stealing.

No comma after 'saw'


quote:
with his friends and playing who’s life on Globe Street will we fuck up next, you know?

Whose.


quote:
What’s wrong with you Luck?

Comma before name.


quote:
I could have head butted him easily, but I didn’t.

Hyphen, although yes, I suppose it depends on where you're from ;3


quote:
anyone who gets too close can get abuse

?

quote:
I’m your only friend Che!’

Comma before name.


***


With that wonderful, already commented upon intro I was a bit dissapointed with the dialogue punctuation. It destroyed a perfectly nice narrative. Google where to put commas, where periods, etc. Work on that.

I very much liked the way you ended, almost as much as the sentence after introducing Luck Disney, the "two years" part. Although I have to admit, the Disney threw me off - for a moment I was a bit confused, I duly report, asking myself where the heck did Disney come from. And me, I never liked Mickey Mouse somehow.

To the dialogue, then. I'll not nag again about dialogue punctuation, I promise. But the dialogue itself - it gave the reader a good sense of who is who, who acts how, etc. However, I felt that it could be shortened. It was not exactly boring, no, but it could have been shorter, with still the same amount of info about the characters, situation, and so on. The length of the conversation is not neccessarily a bad thing, but on the other hand, it isn't neccessary after all, either. That's just my opinion.

I'm not usually into the drugs kind of stories, so I may be a little biased, but I'm a critiquer and I get to be biased from time to time (though yes, it's easy to argue against that): that aspect struck me as a bit... melodramatic, so to say? It was stated a bit blunt, and I somehow couldn't find it in me to be afraid, concerned for him...

The person above me praised character interactions - I second that. All in all - clean up the punctuation, and I'll be looking forward to more.


Cheers,
Esme




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It seems like your grammar is in check, so I'll just skip to the main overview~

This story was really deep and beautiful and flowing. You're details were very good, especially in the first paragraph.

One: Being About a More Extensive View
But, I would like to know more about the characters. This being a short, you need to give the narrator more feeling and thoughts. The blunt words they speak aren't really enough. So I'd enjoy looking a bit inside the narrator's head to see what he's thinking. Adding this to the narration style you already have, is very vital to the story.

Two: Being On A Sturdier Plot

Also, you need to really explain the situation, because otherwise, the readers can't understand the story line. I was pretty lost as to what exactly was happening. I got the main point, but you need to add on to this so that we can understand more.

Overall, this is a very good story, but if you could give thought to any of my suggestions, that would be great.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes”
~ The Little Prince~



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables