Play-Pretend

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Let’s play pretend, darling. Just like we used to, remember? I suppose not. It was back then, remember? Back when you could still look me in the eye and tell me you loved me and really mean it.
Let’s play house. I’ll be the loving wife that I’d always promised I’d always be for you, and you can be the adoring husband that wouldn’t even think of looking away from me; the loving husband who would come home every day right after work ends, who would look at our kids with pride and not a touch of disdain.
You can pretend to be the husband that stays by the side of his loving wife when she’s pregnant, that gives enough of a damn to be there when his wife is in labor. You can pretend to be the husband that wouldn’t dare hit his kids in drunken rages, the husband that wouldn’t make his wife lie to her own mother about how wonderful he is.
You can pretend to be the husband that would look away from the goddamn television long enough to see that his kids have to scrounge for weeks just to afford a fistful of bread, and be the husband that knows that his kids are starving enough to stop spending their last savings on whores that make his wife want to tear her heart out and just wish that it beat a different way, wish that she loved one that was didn’t beat her, beat the kids, got drunk, that she loved one that didn’t make her play pretend every time she wanted to be happy.
No, darling. Maybe it’s best that you keep playing your own pretend games where I’m a wife that doesn’t love you, that deserves to be punished, to be left all on her own, with just her games of pretend.




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This piece is quite moving. It makes one wonder where the inspiration for it came from though. For your sake I hope the character of the wife is not one you can actually relate to. Especially seeing as your only 16 years old.

Only a couple of typing errors such as this one:

"wish that she loved one that was didn’t beat her"

I assume the word 'was' wasn't meant to be there.

Apart from that. Good job.
Dreams are whispers from the Soul




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Oh my, this is impressive.

Let’s play house. I’ll be the loving wife that I’d always promised I’d always be for you, and you can be the adoring husband that wouldn’t even think of looking away from me;

I think that you should make this a little more personal. Play on your reader's emotions. Change the "that"s to "who"s. I'd make this change throughout the piece. "That"s just aren't as personal. While this might have been the effect that you were going for, I can't help but feel that you would achieve even a better effect from a wife who really fantasizes that her marriage could be like it used to, but knows it's a fantasy.

Aside from that, I didn't find anything that I think was out of place, so well done for creating something so interesting...

Have a good one :)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522




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Hey =]

I agree with ..:Ced:.. in that I think that this piece is really moving. Even though the concept is sad, I enjoyed reading it. I think you have a lovely style of writing :)

The only thing that I could find to point out is this;

You can pretend to be the husband that would look away from the goddamn television long enough to see that his kids have to scrounge for weeks just to afford a fistful of bread, and be the husband that knows that his kids are starving enough to stop spending their last savings on whores that make his wife want to tear her heart out and just wish that it beat a different way, wish that she loved one that was didn’t beat her, beat the kids, got drunk, that she loved one that didn’t make her play pretend every time she wanted to be happy. - Is a very long sentence. Although you have used commas in it, I still think that it can stand to be broken up a bit more. I found it a bit hard to read as it is.

Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this :D

Great job!

xDudettex
Last edited by xDudettex on Tue Mar 31, 2009 7:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you love this site as much as I do :)
This piece is truly intriguing. I really hope that this is not based off your own life. I didn't notice anything to be wrong, except for that slightly long sentence that xDudettex commented about. I really enjoyed this piece. Although, it could be expanded a bit, to give us more info it was well done.

PM me if you need anything!

Love,
N
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem



If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb