Too much imagination

So here it is. I only came across the contest today, so here's what two hours of non-stop writing has produced. Reviews and comments will be greatly appreciated. Hope you like it =]

p.s. I know the title sucks, ideas for an alternative title welcome!


Jenny stood silent, watching impatiently as the rain ran down the window. The pounding sound of the droplets of water resembled her heart beat; slow and steady. She raised a pale finger, pressing it softly against the cool glass, and began tracing the path of the water as it slid effortlessly down the window.

She sighed. He was always late. She glanced irritably over at the grand father clock in the corner of the brightly lit hallway. 11.30am. Thirty minutes later than yesterday. She shifted on her feet, her left leg aching from where she’d been resting the majority of her weight on it.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Jenny muttered, her voice full of dejection. She was tired of waiting, having already been rooted to the spot beside the door for a good hour.

She had almost given up hope, when she heard signs of movement outside. The rustling of leaves and the creak of a rusting garden gate. The dull thudding of the rain against the porch roof had nearly disguised the footsteps, but peering through the side window her gaze fell upon the person she’d been eagerly awaiting. His dark hair was stuck to his face with damp, but she didn’t care for his appearance or for his person at all for that matter. All she wanted was the package he had gripped in his left hand. Her eyes widened as he approached and she backed against the wall so as not to be seen through the window pane.

Her mind started to race through possible outcomes of what the letter would say. Had her manuscript been good enough? Did the publisher accept scripts from writers without literary agents? Her heart thumped against her ribs; she placed a hand on the soft fabric of her dressing gown over her chest in an attempt to calm herself. She’d always wanted to go into creative writing and her mother was always saying that she had the biggest imagination of anyone she’d ever met.

Gazing back out to the path, her heart dropped when she didn’t see him. Immediately checking the ground behind the door, in case she’d missed the sound of the letter clattering against the rough, brown doormat, her crimson eyebrows furrowed when she saw nothing. But surely the envelope had been for her. The publisher had promised to get back to her within a week and including today, it was nearing a fortnight.

Without thinking, she thrust her hand off of her chest and onto the silver plated door handle. Wrenching the door open, the hinges creaking in protest at her force, she stepped out onto the porch. Gazing through the rain that seemed to be falling with less vigour now, she saw no one. He’d disappeared. Feeling disheartened yet again, she turned sluggishly to step back inside when her peridot eyes fell upon a small, grey backpack. She automatically reached forward, her inquisitive nature taking over. Picking up the bag she realised it was bone dry, having been sheltered from the rain by the overhanging porch roof.

Shutting the door behind her, Jenny placed the bag on the kitchen work-top and flicked the switch on the kettle. She tried busying herself with needless tidying of the cutlery drawer, but her curious mind kept returning her gaze to the bag sitting alone on the marble counter. Pursing her lips, she stepped towards the backpack and with one swift movement unzipped the main compartment. Her eyes immediately widened as she took in the contents of the bag. The crisp, green notes were unmistakable. Money. Lots of money. Gazing inside, she saw stack after stack of 10 dollar notes. The sound of the kettle clicking made her jump and she spun around with a start.

“Don’t be stupid Jenny,” she chided herself, returning her attention back to the mysterious bag. Questions now filled her ever probing mind. Why had someone dumped it? And why outside her house? Her thoughts became overwhelmed with a mass of possibilities as she ran her fingers over the top bundle of notes. Picking it up, she thumbed through curiously. Five, ten, twenty notes per stack. Her eyes widened again.

“There must be at least ten thousand dollars if not more,” she breathed, placing the money back into the bag. She let out a low whistle at the size of the fortune in front of her. Only then did she notice the small card hanging limply by a thin braid of rope. Intrigued, she flipped the cream coloured tag over to see a scrawl of messy writing. She bent closer in an attempt to read what it said. Her heart seemed to jump to her throat as her eyes scanned the lettering.

Mary,

Here is your money as promised.

Lewis.

Jenny stood back up straight, both hands raised over her mouth in shock, letting the card fall back against the side of the bag. She couldn’t believe what was happening. One minute she’d been minding her own business waiting for a letter and the next minute there was a bag outside her front door filled to the brim with money.

“Whoa,” she whispered. She definitely wasn’t Mary and as far as she knew, there weren’t any Mary’s living in the street either. Or Lewis’s for that matter. She should know, having lived in the quiet suburban street for all seventeen years of her life.

A sharp knock at the door brought her out of her pondering. Startled, Jenny immediately stashed the bag into the wooden cupboard underneath the sink. Who could that be? Her mum had only just left on a business trip for two weeks and Abby wouldn’t be home from her friend’s house for at least another four hours. She hadn’t been expecting anybody either. Her thoughts were diverted with another loud rap at the door.

“I’m coming,” she called, trying to keep her voice from cracking as she hastily approached the front door. Quickly glancing out of the side window, she was surprised to see a girl of around ten standing in the porch way. Taking a second to re-tie her pale pink dressing gown and compose herself, Jenny opened the door with a smile.

“Can I help you?” she asked, trying not to act interested in why the girl had decided to call at her door.
“Hello,” the girl smiled, her blue eyes sparkling in the now brightly shining sun. Only then did Jenny notice that the rain had ceased. “I’m Mary.”
Jenny’s mind accelerated as she heard the name. Mary didn’t seem to notice though.
“I think you have something of mine.”
Her suspicions confirmed, Jenny fought to keep the shock from leaking to her face. How on earth did a ten year old girl manage to get her hands on that amount of money?
“Do I?” she asked, willing Mary to make the link herself. The girl smiled back and Jenny noticed that Mary’s voice was a perfect match to her angelic face, framed with a crop of blonde curls.
“Yes,” Mary replied, nodding. “My friend Lewis was supposed to drop my back pack off at my house, but he can’t seem to read street signs very well.” Her face screwed up in obvious agitation at this point.
“Oh right,” Jenny said numbly, her mind still not allowing her to believe what was happening. Her head began to spin. Surely this kid wasn’t capable of robbing a bank, but how else could she get that much money?
“So can I have it back?” she asked. “It’s just that I need it real soon.” Her voice startled Jenny, making her jump. “Are you alright?” Mary asked, her eyebrows raised.
“Uh, yeah. I’m fine,” Jenny stuttered back.
“Well?” Mary asked, obviously wanting to know if her back pack would be returned.
“Sure,” Jenny nodded with a sudden urgency. Surely whatever was going on here wasn’t legal. The quicker she got rid of the back pack, the sooner she could forget about all of this.

Jenny rushed inside, grabbing the backpack from under the sink and quickly zipping it back up.
“Here,” she smiled, handing the bag over to Mary.
“Thank you,” Mary replied excitedly.
Seeing that Mary had gotten what she wanted, Jenny stepped back inside and began to shut the door, but not before a sugary voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Hey!” Mary exclaimed. Jenny peered back around the door to see Mary scowling into the bag. She didn’t seem to notice Jenny’s reappearance though as she pulled the top bundle of notes out of the back pack.
“What an idiot!”

Jenny was taken aback by the sudden change in Mary’s voice. The syrupy niceness was gone, replaced with a bitter tone.
“I can’t believe him! I told him it was an ‘a’ and not an ‘e.’”
Jenny watched with interest as Mary pulled a single note from the stack and held it up to the light that was streaming down from the sun.
“Seriously, who spells dollar with an ‘e?’ How am I supposed to pass this off to the ice-cream man as real money when he can’t even spell dollar. I knew I should have gone to Josh. He draws the presidents with square heads, but at least he can spell dollar.” She threw the lone note onto the floor before storming off in a rage.
Mary’s ranting continued on down the path and out of the garden gate. Jenny stood in the doorway, her eyebrows raised in bewilderment.

“But it had looked so real,” she whispered to herself. Her mind ached with confusion as she picked up the note that Mary had angrily abandoned. Inspecting it closer, she smiled to herself. ‘10 dollers,’ was scribbled across the middle of the paper in what looked a lot like wax crayon.

“Honestly,” Jenny sighed, the piece of paper still in her hand. “I need to do something about my wild imagination.”


Thanks for reading!

I can't believe no one reviewed this! Must be because they were too intimidated...

xDudettex wrote:Inspecting it closer, she smiled to herself. ‘50 dollars,’ was scrawled across the middle of the paper in what looked a lot like wax crayon.
“Honestly,” Jenny sighed, the piece of paper still in her hand. “I need to do something about my wild imagination.”

'Kay I think that you meant '50 dollers' was scrawled...that was my only nitpick! I rarely have less than 3 so automatic gold star for that!
This was a really good story! I can't believe you wrote this in one day, so excellent job...Hehe, I know that this review isn't very helpful, but I don't have any suggestions! So, good job on this and gold star for you!
Oh and welcome to YWS!

Hiya! Saw your entry to that contest and thought I'd check it out!

against the cool glass and

Comma after "glass."

She glanced irritably over at the oak grand father clock in the corner of the brightly lit hallway.

"Oak" in this sentence feels like you're just adding on another descriptive word for the sake of it. The extra word can also make this hard to read. You could delete it.

The dull thudding of the rain against the solid wood of the door had nearly disguised the footsteps

You contradict yourself in a later line when you say the door is covered by a overhanging porch roof. Re-work this line or the line where you mention the roof (it's when the backpack first shows up).

the stone wall

I don't know. I don't really see inside walls as being stone.

Her heart thumped against her ribs and she placed a hand on the soft fabric of her dressing gown over her chest, in an attempt to calm herself.

I would replace "and" with a semicolon and delete the comma after "chest."

her red eyebrows furrowed

I find that "red" is just description for the sake of it. Nice touch with dropping her description in slowly, but, personally, in a short story I don't particularily care to here what the person looks like unless it's important to the story. If that's your style (which it seems to be) then fine, but just make sure you're not trying to wedge in what she looks like just for the sake of it, okay?

the hinges cringing in protest at her force,

I think you mean "creaking" instead of "cringing." I usually think of "cringing" as a faceal expresion.

step back inside, when her peridot eyes

You could delete this comma.

Her almond shaped eyes immediately widened, as she took in the contents of the bag.

You could delete the comma after "widened" since you don't need a pause there.

“Don’t be stupid Jenny,” she chided herself,

I sort of wish you had referred to her as "Jenny" before.

a mass of possibilities, as she

You can say goodbye to this comma.

Read this over and make sure you only put commas were a pause is needed. As of right now, you have a lot in places they don't need to be. I won't nit-pick another missplaced comma, unless you PM me and ask me to, of course.

Or Lewis’s for that matter and she should know

I would delete the "and" and replace it with a period for more punch.

Abby wouldn’t be home from Becca’s house for at least another four hours.

Who is Abby? Her sister? Just let us know who "Abby" is and readers should fill in the rest. If you don't want to risk readers not filling that in, then after telling us who "Abby" is you can replace "Becca's house" with "her friend's house."

Taking a second to re-tie her pale pink dressing gown and compose herself, she opened the door with a smile.

Since you just mentioned "the girl" in the lines before this one, it can take awhile to realize you're suddenly talking about Jenny. Use proper names to avoid that confusion.

How am I supposed to pass this off to the ice-cream man as legal tender when he can’t even spell dollar.

"Legal tender" doesn't seem to fit with the vocabulary of a ten-year-old. It sounds like something a world-weary adult would say.

His draws the president's with a square head,

"His" should be "he"; "president's" should be "presidents."

Quick question: Who is on the British dollar bills? I would think it's the prime ministers, not presidents.

~~

Commas: You use one every time "as" shows up in the sentence. You can get rid of most of those, if not all. Really read this over and delete any extra commas. To help, you might want to check out this article and this article for tips.

The prompt: I like what direction you've taken with the prompt! It's new and different, which I'm sure will get you brownie points

Something I'd like to see though is: when she's looking at the money, say what the bills are worth. Are they worth 1? 10? 50? A mix of all of them?

Also, when you do give the amount, it seems a little high for a kid trying to trick the ice-cream man. I would believe a twenty, maximum, would be the amount.

Description: So, as I mentioned in one of my nit-picks, you tend to add in one more descriptive word just to show how the character looks or what she's wearing. That's fine, but you really have to ask yourself if it's adding anything to the story knowing what she looks like and what she's wearing. If you want to keep how she looks in, that's fine though. I'm just pointing out that in some places, when it's more then one word (sometimes even that one word) it can bog down the sentence.

And the fact you don't use Jenny's proper name for half of this but then use it normally in the other half put me off. If you're going to refer to a person using pronouns only, make sure you're consistent. Throw "Jenny" into the prose a little earlier to make the transition less sharp.

Overall: Nice work! With just a few comma clean ups, I think this was really original and a definite contender.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Hi there I love the twist to this story! I like the idea and I really enjoyed how you have written this- there's not much editing at all that needs to be done

The pounding sound of the droplets of water resembled her heart beat; slow but forceful.

I like the comparison between the rain and her heart beat but 'forceful' doesn't seem right to me. You don't generally say you have a forceful heartbeat- I think you could use a better word here like steady (changing the but to and).

began tracing the path of the water as it slide effortlessly down the window.

slide should be slid.

She shifted on her feet, her left leg having started to ache from where she’d been resting the majority of her weight on it.

I'd get rid of 'having started to' and change ache to aching. To me that makes the sentence flow a bit better

Her eyes widened as he approached and she backed against the wall as not to be seen through the rectangular window.

I think you need a so before 'as not to be seen'. I'm not that keen on rectangular window- I think it might sound fine leaving out the rectangular and maybe adding pane onto the end of window.

She’d always wanted to go into creative writing and her mother was always saying that she had the biggest imagination of anyone she’d ever met.

This is a good sentence to add in, I'm liking the hint

her red eyebrows furrowed when she saw nothing.

red doesn't sound right to me here- scarlet or ruby or another more descriptive word might be better.

Her almond shaped eyes immediately widened as she took in the contents of the bag.

I like how you add in bits about her appearance throughout the story but 'almond shaped' seems a bit out of place here, I'd leave it out.

Questions now filled her ever probing mind. Why had someone dumped it? And why outside her house? Her mind became overwhelmed with a mass of possibilities as she ran her fingers over the top bundle of notes

I'd change one of the minds to thoughts.

Suddenly, her gaze was broken from the bag when she heard a sharp knock on the door

To me the suddenly doesn't seem right here, if you rearranged the sentence so that the sharp knock at the door was first it might work better aswell, so something like this- 'A sharp knock at the door snapped her out of her gazing'.

Her thoughts were diverted with another loud tap to the door

Tap makes me think of something quite delicate- rap could be a replacement. to should be at.

she asked, not having to act interested in why the girl had decided to call at her door

Do you mean trying hard not to act interested? That would make more sense here I think.

Jenny’s mind accelerated as she heard the name. Mary didn’t seem to notice though and the sound of her sickly sweet voice cut through Jenny’s thoughts.

As you've already mentioned a couple of times about Jenny's thoughts being diverted due to the door I'd miss out the last bit of this sentence leaving it as just 'Mary didn't seem to notice though'.

The girl smiled back and Jenny noticed that Mary’s voice had matched perfectly to her angelic face, framed with a crop of blonde curls.

'was a perfect match' might work better than 'had matched perfectly'.

“Thank you,” Mary replied, her voice full of excitement.

You mention voice a few times but I think it could be changed here to just 'Mary replied excitedly.'

“Honestly,” Jenny sighed, the piece of paper still in her hand. “I need to do something about my wild imagination.”

Love the ending!


Overall I think you have a really good piece here, I'm sure you'll do well in the competition!

Hi! I'm here to give my review, so here goes! (Beware of the nit-picks though!)

She glanced irritably over at the grand father clock in the corner of the brightly lit hallway.

Should be one word. 'grandfather'.

11.30am

11:30 AM

His dark hair was stuck to his face with damp, but she didn’t care for his appearance or for his person at all for that matter.

Confusing sentence. Try rewording it.

That's all that I can find to nit-pick at! Great job! I loved the twist ending. Good luck in the contest!

This is one of the two complimentary critiques you get for entering CIA's money contest. The other will come from Bittersweet, CIA's guest judge.

So, I know this is a critique and I'm supposed to tell you all these things you did wrong, but frankly, I can't find anything! At least nothing major. My first read through sounded wonderful.

However, there are always small things wrong with even published stories, so I'll reread this with a more careful eye and try to pick up some of the tiny things so you can make this even better, si?

I'd like to see Jenny's age a little more clear. I know she's somewhere between 15 and 25, but I can't tell where. Try to clear that up a bit with little hints – is she done with college?

Also, I'd rather see a little less time spent on the play at the beginning, as you never return to that subject. It's fine for a while, but unless you will bring it up later you shouldn't stress it so much.

Other than that, I loved it, especially the end. It made me end with a smile. =]

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Here I am, the second judge for the CIA contest! Anyway, I'll proceed. I didn't find many mistakes except for maybe a misplaced comma here and there. But I won't point those out.

She’d always wanted to go into creative writing and her mother was always saying that she had the biggest imagination of anyone she’d ever met.

This sentence is kind of long. You may want to separate it into two sentence instead of one.

Immediately checking the ground behind the door, in case she’d missed the sound of the letter clattering against the rough, brown doormat, her crimson eyebrows furrowed when she saw nothing.

Again, this sentence is really long and confusing. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you might want to use a little less detail. We don't really need to know what the doormat looks like, yes? So maybe you ought to make this sentence "Immediately checking the ground behind the door, in case she'd missed the sound of the letter clattering against the doormat, her eyebrows furrowed when she saw nothing."

CodeSelect all

Jenny stood back up straight, both hands raised over her mouth in shock, letting the card fall back against the side of the bag. She couldn’t believe what was happening. One minute she’d been minding her own business waiting for a letter and the next minute there was a bag outside her front door filled to the brim with money.

I feel like this paragraph should have happened earlier on in the story, like when she first found out what was inside. Because I can't comprehend what makes the note more shocking than actually realizing there's a ton of money in the bag? She didn't react nearly as much when she saw the money!

Anyway, that is all I had to point out. Now on to the good stuff.

My favorite part, by far, is the beginning. I love your descriptions; it's easy to imagine all of it. I'm not entirely sure if I liked the ending quite as much, however. It happens way too fast and I, personally, was a little confused. I still really like the story, though. It was very well written and I thought you had some very good emotion. I noticed, just by reading this, that your strongest point is definitely description. I often like a balance between dialogue and description, but your description is so good I think little dialogue worked for this.

I want to say again, though, that you probably need to slow down the ending a little a make it more clear as to what's really happening. And I agree with Jen, maybe, the mailman should come at the end with a letter?

Overall, I think your story was wonderfully written and didn't need too much work! Good luck for the contest, and keep writing!

-Holly

hahahahhaha LOVE IT!! Awesome twist at the end! Wasn't what i was expecting!