Sam, you are writing this in more like a poem then a story, its mostly just imagry and metaphors not actual story. Try adding more dialouge, remember you need to keep an even balance of dialouge and story. This critwue is for all the segments, not just this one. But this is good, but with all the metephors and stuff I'm losing intrest in the actual story.
I agree. The whole phrases and lines were just too short. It seemed more like a narrative poem than a story. I think that stuff here is just happening way too slow, and theres a little bit too much description, which can bore the reader at times. Apart from that, make more stuff happen with less description, and add more DIALOGUE.
Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea.
May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death. — An Unknown Bride, Leap Year
Love ya'll.
