Love, Death, Coming of Age

Here's a little known fact : You are going to die.
It's not always clear how. But one things for sure, you will.
It's funny, because I used to wonder, just as you may be now, how I would go. But ever since I learned about this cancer thing, I have had a pretty clear idea.
I remember when my dad and I first stepped into the hospital. It was the first time for both of us since that day 2 years ago when it was my mother being checked on. I shudder to remember how little time she had spent there before she checked out for good.
I remember that it smelled like hand sanitizer and bottled water. I remember how the doctors took me into the waiting room, and left with my dad to look at some paper work. I remember them taking me into a room and setting up the x-ray machine. I remember them looking right into my chest and a gasp coming from the doctor's lips.
I had lung cancer. I thought that would have been obvious, my mom had been a vicious smoker, and she had died from it. You would have thought the first time i coughed up blood that my dad would have caught on that there was something seriously wrong with me. But he waited a whole month until we entered the hospital to check me out, and what do you know? Right off the first test I am known as sick.
And now, as I tell you my story, I can see my hands shaking with fear, but I have to get my story published. It's the last thing I wanted out of this world.

Hello, I'm Angel of Death but you can call me Angel!

Welcome to YWS!!!

Okay, this was a good start. Its not original, I can tell you that, but you have a very neat way of writing, so hopefully you'll continue this and make this your own.

There were a couple of nit-picks:

Here's a little known fact : You are going to die.
It's not always clear how. But one things for sure, you will.
It's funny, because I used to wonder, just as you may be now, how I would go. But ever since I learned about this cancer thing, I have had a pretty clear idea.

This was a great way to set off this prologue or preface or whatever you'd like to call it. Though I was kinda put of by ' but ever since I learned about this cancer thing' Thing is a immature word, and it messes up the seriousness of this piece. I'd nix it because its a matter of life and death for your MC, and this can not and should not be taken lightly.

It was the first time for both of us since that day 2 years ago when it was my mother being checked on. I shudder to remember how little time she had spent there before she checked out for good.

These were good, but when writing, if its not the date, it is always best to use the word 'two years ago' instead of writing '2 years ago'

I remember them looking right into my chest and a gasp coming from the doctor's lips.

The doctor gasping doesn't seem realistic. I mean, he's a doctor who has probably seen many a cases of lung cancer and that's just horrible he would do that because it will hurt the patient...nix please.

And now, as I tell you my story, I can see my hands shaking with fear, but I have to get my story published. It's the last thing I wanted out of this world.

I don't know how I feel about these last couple of sentences. They were okay, but I feel you can do so much more with this. And the 'but I have to get my story published' bit should be done away with because it messed up the flow of everything.

All in all, this was, as I said, a good start. There could be more to this but you should definitely continue this. PM me if and when you do!

Also, you say the mother has lung cancer because she smokes? If that is the case, lung cancer would not be hereditary. Hmm, I'd do a little bit more research to clear this up a bit.

Hope I helped!

~Angel

Welcome to YWS!
I don't know someone has already told you this but we like to keep a 2:1 ratio here with reviews and posts. aka before you post anything else (which i look forward to) you need to make at least 2 reviews of someone elses work. Which can be kinda fun actually.

Oooh. The first thing that came to my mind when I saw this was the The Book Theif by Marcus Zusak. One of the lines in the beginning says "Here is a fact: You are going to die" Don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing you of plagiarism. if you haven't read it, you should.

Finally for my review:

But one things for sure, you will.

Thing's not things

It's funny, because I used to wonder, just as you may be now, how I would go.

This may be just me, like many things are, but ending the sentence with "go" was a little confusing at first because I didn't know that you meant "how I would die". its up to you if you want to change it.

Angel already said about the "cancer thing".

It was the first time for both of us since that day 2 years ago when it was my mother being checked on.

This is a funny sentence. I'm pretty sure there's some grammar rules broken here. Try to fix it around.

And now, as I tell you my story, I can see my hands shaking with fear, but I have to get my story published. It's the last thing I wanted out of this world.

Same thing what Angel said. Its kinda confusing. I get what you are getting at, but it threw me off from the story.

I also agree that the lung cancer thing wouldn't work because it isnt hereditary. though, you could say that her mom smoked while pregnant. i don't know if that would work for sure because usually the symptoms would be evident when the child was born.
PM me about it, I'll be glad to help with the research (I love that kind of stuff)
see you around the forums!

Hi! This was very short, but I think it works fine as a prologue of something bigger. It was easy to read, and the first lines definitely caught my attention.


They don't check for cancer with an X-ray. I'm the last person to ask about medicine, but from what I've gathered through watching House, it's usually an MRI.

I had lung cancer. I thought that would have been obvious, my mom had been a vicious smoker, and she had died from it. You would have thought the first time i coughed up blood that my dad would have caught on that there was something seriously wrong with me. But he waited a whole month until we entered the hospital to check me out...

I really do think you need to do more research about "the whole cancer thing." When your M/C has a life-threatening illness that defines every single thought and action, it's kind of important that you know all there is to know about it, sa?

And now, as I tell you my story, I can see my hands shaking with fear, but I have to get my story published. It's the last thing I wanted out of this world.

While your first line was pretty cool, these last lines wern't. "Hands shaking with fear"? Quite apart from anything else, how can anyone write/type with shaky hands? It's kind of cliched, and reminds me of an Animorphs style ripoff.


As others said, do please keep to the 2:1 ratio for reviewing. Also, it's generally frowned upon to put a poll with your work. It encourages some people to automatically press the "no, don't continue 'cause this thing sucks" option.

PM me if you have any questions!

Welcome to YWS!

Right-o, I know that this little piece has already gotten quite in-depth reviews but I shall add my two-cents worth as well...

Here's a little known fact : You are going to die.
It's not always clear how. But one things for sure, you will.

Awesome way to begin.

It's funny, because I used to wonder, just as you may be now, how I would go. But ever since I learned about this cancer thing, I have had a pretty clear idea.

I would split this up a little, and change the 'cancer thing' bit.
Maybe: "It's funny. I used to wonder, just as you may be now, how I would go. Ever since I learned about this cancer thing, I've had a pretty clear idea."

I remember when my dad and I first stepped into the hospital. It was the first time for both of us since that day 2 years ago when it was my mother being checked on. I shudder to remember how little time she had spent there before she checked out for good.

I think this bit is a little too wordy. Also, I think it would flow much nicer if you said "my mother being checked out." and just say 'time she spent there' rather than 'time she had spent there'. I do like how you bring in the mother's death there though.

I remember that it smelled like hand sanitizer and bottled water. I remember how the doctors took me into the waiting room, and left with my dad to look at some paper work. I remember them taking me into a room and setting up the x-ray machine. I remember them looking right into my chest and a gasp coming from the doctor's lips.

Small cell lung cancer shows up on x-ray. A good site on this if you want to continue this piece, (doctors would do another test to confirm) is [Link] . I really like the mention of the smell. I think it would do you well to expand on this and mention what the MC could see and hear like the harsh lighting, white walls, beeping machines etc. I also like the 'looking right into my chest' bit, it was just perfect imagery for how it feels to have the doctors looking through their little machines. The gasp from the doctor has already been mentioned by other reviewers, how about the doctor's solemn face instead? I'm just a sucker for repetition of 'I remember' in paragraphs, so good job on that one!!

I had lung cancer. I thought that would have been obvious, my mom had been a vicious smoker, and she had died from it. You would have thought the first time i coughed up blood that my dad would have caught on that there was something seriously wrong with me. But he waited a whole month until we entered the hospital to check me out, and what do you know? Right off the first test I am known as sick.

I think 'I had lung cancer' shouldn't be in past tense; unless, of course, the MC has been cured, 'cos cancer isn't like the flu. This paragraph just doesn't sit right with me... I think it needs to be restructured, the content is good, it just needs to be presented slightly differently. Also, it needs to be mentioned that the mother smoked in the house or something 'cos then at least you have the second-hand smoke reasoning. I'm intrigued as to why the father didn't take the MC to the hospital at the first sign of sickness, especially considering his wife/the mother of his child died from lung cancer. You either need to expand on this here, or make sure that you bring it in later in the story, it could be a good opportunity for some foreshadowing or something of the sort!

And now, as I tell you my story, I can see my hands shaking with fear, but I have to get my story published. It's the last thing I wanted out of this world.

Ok, so is the MC writing this from the grave or what? If so 'hands shaking with fear' is not really appropriate, dead people don't generally have shaky hands... If you change the middle sentence to make it as if the book is spoken, like the MC is telling the story to a friend over the phone, then hands shaking with fear would work well. Perhaps you could convey the fear in a different way though, like feeling it in the stomach or something, that's usually where people feel fear, sick with fear.


Overall:
You have yourself the beginnings of something good. I like it and I'm interested to read more, which is a testament to your writing. I feel as if the MC is someone I know and want to listen to. PM me if you choose to continue this and I'd love to critique it for you!

Happy holidays!
dreamintechnicolour